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There are so many things Fluttershy has a hard time explaining. Like, why the new stallion in town won't leave her alone; or, why she decided to break off her new relationship with Rarity after only a month; or, why she isn't sure she did the right thing. Maybe the right setting and the right dress will be enough to make everything clear. Maybe it will be enough...maybe.
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Bravo.
'Nuff said.
8610441
Thank you very much
This. This is good.
8610831
Thank you
Oh, my! So much feels! I never thought of Rarity and Fluttershy together. But this....this was simply beautiful. Well done!
8610998
Thank you so very much!
Enjoyable for sure, though i have to wonder what happened to the stallion. With him being in the description i would of thought he would have had a more prominent role.
8611428
The stallion is nothing more than a footnote in the description. The description is 90% Rarity and 10% stalking stallion, taking into account this is a one shot and it specifies a dress making things better it can be concluded that the stallion is nothing more than a stage piece in this story.
8611428
He's not really of note, much like the stallions that carted Rarity to the Gala. His main importance is his refusal to accept rejection and the reaction he provokes from Fluttershy and Rarity,
8611428
I can see your point. It would be interesting to see how he reacts to being dressed down by the town dressmaker. That just wasn't the story I was trying to tell here, especially because I was writing from Fluttershy's perspective and she had zero interest in him. She just wanted him to go away.
This was an enjoyable read, and I found myself very invested from the moment I started. The slight teasing at the beginning between Rarity and Fluttershy was a brilliant way to pull me and I imagine many other readers in. From there it was a pleasant ride alongside Fluttershy as she worked through her own feelings. I also commend your use of present tense, and keeping it up throughout the whole fic. It definitely allows for a different perspective and a fresh way of looking at things. So kudos to you on that.
From what I could tell everyone was in character, each having their own little role to play in trying to bring Rarity and Fluttershy together. The pain both are going through, different pains but so similar is touching. You do a good job of portraying what everyone is going through, through their dialogue. A small thing to maybe improve on would be to try and incorporate the other senses into your descriptions. You use sight well, and sound but bringing in more touch, smell into your writing could be interesting. The last scene was example, was Rarity warm? Did her lips feel soft? Things like that can really bring a scene to life, just as much as colour or light can as well.
There are also a lot of scenes for such a short story. This could easily be a personal gripe, considering that I can't shut myself up when I get going, but a little more flow can really make a story feel natural. Instead of cutting to Applejack, maybe have Fluttershy think to herself that she needs someone who she cannot lie to. That way she can go to Applejack without a somewhat jarring scene break. Not every scene break is avoidable and some times you need them to remove pointless nonsense but it pays to take each one with a grain of salt. Think very hard over each one and try and eliminate them unless you absolutely think they are necessary. If you think all of these were, that's absolutely fine I'm just throwing it out there.
Okay I hope that this was at least somewhat coherent, If it wasn't, I apologise profusely. I get a little rambly sometimes, okay all the time. I'll wrap this up so you can get on with your day. Like I said before, I really enjoyed this and for your second fic on this site it's amazing. I think the site can expect really big things from you in the future. Good luck with all of your future endeavors. Have a nice day!
8611907
I am absolutely thrilled, humbled, and grateful for your comment. So, thank you very much.
In this and my other published story, I have favored a vignette style. For some reason, it's just how my stories flow from my brain. In other things I'm working on, I'm trying to make the transitions between scenes smoother. In this case, I liked the feel of leaving some of Fluttershy's introspections left unknown, but I definitely see your point about the scene breaks.
Thank you for giving me specific places to look at for improvement. Your notes about using other sensory imagery are spot on. Especially when writing in the first-person, I tend to favor auditory and visual imagery because I am primarily an auditory and visual person. Remembering to add those other rich details is definitely something I want to improve in my writing.
Again, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to give me such detailed feedback. It was wonderfully coherent and helpful. Feel free to ramble on any story of mine.
8612092
That's all fair enough. Scene breaks aren't bad but telling a little bit of what Fluttershy was thinking can help get rid of some expositiony parts of the story.
That bit is very expositiony. You're taking the reader out because you feel the need to tell them why Applejack would help her friend. Compare that to something like this.
"I'm lying to myself, I know that. Perhaps what I need is the one pony to whom I can never lie to, no matter how hard I try. With that in mind, I find myself angling towards Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack would be working hard as always, but she had yet to turn me away when I need a talk or a shoulder."
Not perfect by any means and certainly a lot wordier but it lets the reader stay a little more with Fluttershy. Having her say that Applejack had taken time out of her day when they are already into the meat of the conversation takes everything a little bit away from the story. The information isn't even particularly needed, but it isn't unwelcome either. It's all about how you put it in. Now, I'm really not versed in the first person or present tense so you can probably find a better way than the example I posted above. It's all about context. Just like with scene breaks, extra information is all about how you use it.
Hehehe, you probably shouldn't give me permission because I will take it and run with it.
Short and exquisitely bittersweet. Very nice
8613190
Thank you very much
8612117
I want to double like your comments because they are so super helpful. Thank you!
8613808
Hehehe, always happy to help. My rambling nature might as well be useful.
This felt less like a flowing story and more like a collection of scenes, but they were nice scenes and I appreciated them. There was a little more to it than fluff. Rarity's emotions felt quite real.
8618749
Your description is very apt. It isn't a classic or typical narrative format. I'm so glad you found it worthwhile just the same.
Just read a second time. Still one of my favorites.
She sure took her time, yeah, but in the end... she was the one to take the first (or rather, second) step, she came to her, she implied everything that needed to be implied, she kissed her... way to be assertive, Shy!
Thank you.
8753576
I have just read this story for a third time. I wish I could add more likes to it, the last few paragraphs still bring a tear to my eye.
So, what happens next? Will Fluttershy keep giving to make Rarity happy or will they find some balance?
Find out soon on next week's episode of Chasing Tail.