• Member Since 14th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Yesterday


Not a changeling.


Twilight Sparkle only wanted to go off-script in her Harvestfeast speech to talk about books — upending the Equestrian calendar wasn't the plan. But there's no stopping an idea whose time has come.

She and her friends just invented Black Friday.

Celestia help them all.

Written for the "Here at the End of All Things" Writeoff, and lightly edited for FIMFiction.

Cover art by karpet-shark.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 55 )

I traditionally reserve first comment for author's notes. If I write up that retrospective over in Writeoff-land, I'll link it in here.

The epilogue primarily exists to meet the Writeoff prompt. I felt like the story ended a little stronger without it, but I wasn't quite willing to commit to deletion — so I moved it into a "bonus chapter", if you will.

Archy-princessism anarcho-primitivism!

...what kind of world is it where I wound up with the less destructive version?

...*does exactly what Starlight did*

I... this... this thing right here... is a train wreck, almost literally. I love it.

Glorious madness through and through, especially the fantastic representation of what it is to be Pinkie Pie. It makes me tremendously glad that back when I was in retail, I started in January and quit in August.

Though I will say that I prefer Courier Nova as a name for maddened, literacy-themed Twilight.

In any case, thank you for this. I really do need to get back in the Writeoffs at some point.

I see a red door. . . .

I'm going to repost this part of my comment from the Writeoff because I liked doing it.

I see a fresh cake and I want it at half price
One mug of cider and I will be coming twice
I see a filly pass by dressed in fancy attire
One more complain and I'll set them on fire

I see a line of ponies, frenzy in their eyes
With pockets full of bits, the tension's on the rise
I see them flock inside and quickly lose control
Like a writhing mass of instinct with no heart nor soul

Joyful story, horizon. I'm still miffed that Twilight didn't prepare the whole town for Big Friends-day Sale, only for her efforts to fail regardless when faced with the consumerist crowd.

"I've already got a costume design picked out for Nightmare Grapheme," she whispered.

Now there's a friendship letter I'm waiting on.

Dear Princess Celestia,
Reflecting upon recent events has left me with only one conclusion. Although friendship is magic, there are times where friendship has its limits, and pure, ravaging destruction is the only answer.

I have reached this point today.

With this in mind, I would like to request a leave of absence as an Equestrian Princess for a destructive rampage of respectable duration, followed by suitable thwarting by ponies of your choosing. In order to allow proper evacuation of the rampage zone, as well as time to prepare the paperwork, I have prepared a short list of prospective targets. Please check one and return by dragon post.

Princess Nightmare Grapheme

Prospective targets (Select one or more)
☐ - Canterlot Royal Art Museum (the one you said you hate with all the rump-first paintings of you)
☐ - Baltimare Dockyard (because Spike wanted to see the sailing ships)
☐ - Neighgra Falls (planned post-rampage over-the-falls barrel to make up for the one I missed)
☐ - Yak Villiage, YakYakistan (honestly, I don't know if they'd notice)
☐ - Big Rocky Mountain, Dragonlands (Spike says Ember likes to rampage there)
☐ - Neigh York City (with growth spell, at request of the Ponyville Elementary AV Film Club, for a class disaster movie project)

(Now if we can get that *other* Writeoff story of Horizon's posted...)

8603856 Obviously...

Oh, the chaos!
At least the Apples made out like apple bandits, and Dash got (more than) enough cider this time. :ajsleepy::rainbowwild:

I'm surprised Discord wasn't mentioned laughing his ass off somewhere. :rainbowlaugh:

Cool they all got punished for their exceedingly stupid idea

8604027 God bless the Rolling Stones.

Since no one posted this video yet:

:rainbowlaugh: This is everything I thought it would be, and/or didn't know I needed.

I'd like to imagine that Celestia returned the letter with check marks in every single box and about fifteen suggestions besides. Plus seven tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala ("one for you, and six for your thwarters-to-be").

Thank you!

Yeah, it is possible to win at Black Friday — mostly if you're a big retailer, but there are some fantastic deals to be had.

And given what happened in the last story I wrote in which Dash got drunk [n.b.: link to listing for Mature story], I think she was overdue for a drinking win. :rainbowkiss:

Glad you're reposting the little filk! That was far and away the Writeoff comment I most appreciated. I did my best to address the OOC complaints with a little more context in the beginning scene, too.

I'm still miffed that Twilight didn't prepare the whole town for Big Friends-day Sale …

The edits hopefully should have made it clearer that she got nerd-sniped by setting up some sort of holiday reading program, only to have her plan coopted on short notice and take on a life of its own.

On the other hoof, this is very much a comedy of exaggeration, and at some point it requires giving up and accepting characters playing to larger-than-life caricatures of themselves. I mean, yes, the "real" canon Twilight Sparkle undoubtedly would be heartbroken by how wrong things went, but that's a lot less funny than her tracking her reading down to the word and going all Nightmare Grapheme on Equestria's plot. :trollestia:

Sleep deprivation is indeed the second best thing to liquor when you want to lose all sense of the world.

Why can't I like it twice?

I could see Discord laughing his ass off (literally) at the chaos of it all, while munching on popcorn and wondering why he didnt think of this.

That feel when you’ve been wanting to do a story based on a song and someone beats you to it, even if it’s just by using the song name as a title


That would work well for Muffins..

And I almost stopped breathing towards the end of the last chapter.

Funny thing, actually: I wrote that Pinkie Pie scene specifically thinking of you. (I got several complaints about it over in Writeoff-land. More fool them.) So I'm chuffed that you enjoyed the FOMEservice! :twilightsmile:

Knew I was missing something!

True story: When I wrote my Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock homage "Melt", I didn't know that Ambion had already written one of the site's most highly-rated stories under the same name.

Mine didn't get nearly that amount of attention, of course. But it ended up a while later with a Seattle's Angels feature, and it remains close to my heart. The moral of the story is: Don't let this one be a headwind! It'll be cool to see what you come up with. :duck:

I think the moral of the story is: Once horizon murders a poor innocent coffeepot, it only goes downhill from there.

None of that, now! I want you around for my next story! :twilightblush:

She began to wonder if customer immolation was anywhere on the flowchart.

It's not, Twilight, but you're a princess. Such matters transcend the flowchart, and I'm sure Rich would understand that this level of disrespect to a ruling monarch, whether they're volunteering their time for the sake of their citizens or not, is not going to go unpunished.

Nightmare Grapheme

It begins!

LOL Yes, I can just see Discord making that face :rainbowlaugh:

NO! They've doomed us all.

Oh Rarity. Hopefully you at least sold something.

As for the Apples, I don't know what they were thinking, bearing in mind from what we've seen they regularly sell out way early without discounting. Absolutely loved barn-destruction record, though. Wonder if making too many barns that just get trashed was a precursor to AJ's Rube-Goldberg episode.

Tiramisu... Tsunami...They were separated by quite a bit, but I suddenly want a story about a tiramitsunami.

Black Friday...also known as HELL

The Onion somehow made Black Friday...funny...in a morbid sense.

(P.S. They put this out EVERY Black Friday; since 2012 anyways)
The Onion...Black Friday

WARNING: Link contains descriptions of violence and death (please keep in mind that this is satire)

*Shakes head* Oh Rarity that hardly makes you ruined when you made FAR more than you discounted.

Though as for the rest....*Shivers* That is the stuff of NIGHTMARES

And so another chapter is added to the "Twilight Ruins Everything She Touches" anthology. :rainbowlaugh:

Ah, I remember my first year working on Black Friday...get use to it scrubs, it doesn't get any easier from here.

Amazing work, Discord will be pleased.

"Trust me," Rarity said. "Nothing could possibly go wrong."

*Murphy rouses from his slumber, going wide-eyed* ...I .... HAVE BEEN SUMMONED HERE...

She began to wonder if customer immolation was anywhere on the flowchart.


"Sold!" Apple Bloom shouted before anypony else could react, sweeping a pile of coins into the cashbox.

*TERRIFIED SHRIEK* Apple bloom WhatAreYouDoing?!? D:

...thirteen infants arrested for bank robbery...


Fluttershy's mouth moved, but no sounds came out. Spike sighed again. "The good news is, the seven-judge panel in The Haygue agreed that including her in the 80,000-bit purchase price would violate international anti-slavery treaties. I think Celestia's still in four-nation diplomatic negotiations over what happens if she drops the mug, though."

.... MORE of my 'Wat.' D:

Twilight grinned back. "I've already got a costume design picked out for Nightmare Grapheme," she whispered, eye twitching sporadically. "Should I write a friendship letter before or after my inevitable rampage?"


We'll see, the locati-
*reads the bracket part of last option and after a moment of thought selects it*

Ah yes...that was a PERFECT representation

I lost it several times during the course of this read. I completely lost it at the Haygue. The war analogy with the Apples, the zombies, and the sleep deprivation all get honorable mentions for gut busting.

"Yeah, that's what they tole me," the mare muttered, rubbing her nose with a stocky leg and smearing phlegm all over it. "But it's too much."

Think you mean told me, not tole

That is the word she was saying, yes, but the misspelling represents her accent (just like some people use "Ah" for "I" in Applejack's speech). Thanks for reading, though, and caring enough to mention it! :twilightsmile:

8607411 8606851
Glad you enjoyed!



I'm imagining this as something like the Equestrian Great Molasses Flood. Massive property destruction. The streets smelling of coffee for months afterward.

And Celestia begging to singlehoofedly clean it up, at which point she goes into a blissful cake coma for two weeks straight.

And Pinkie, Discord, and Cheese Sandwich would have been involved in causing it, somehow.

(I think that the Great Molasses Flood has to be one of everyone's favorite silly (but actually pretty bad) historical events.)

8608790 8608928
My favorite Earth history AU is the one in which the Great Molasses Flood was an event in the Emu War.

Many brave emus died that day… :rainbowdetermined2:

Twilight accidentally invented the worst day in existence. Funny that she never turned into Midnight.
Those types of people talking to one of their country's leaders and national hero... nothing describes how doomed they are.

[1000 yard stare] Never forget... Sales... Sales never changes...

:O Even better .... we need a fanfic where the Great Molasses Flood happened during the Emu War in Equestria :pinkiecrazy:

The emus knew what to sabotage to most harm the very fabric of Equestria: the baked goods and sweets industries. D:

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