It all fell apart so quickly...Where did the world, My world, Go wrong? My name is Twilight Sparkle, and this is just the beginning.
No connection with the Alternate Universe portrayed in Losing Sight
Chapters (3)
Invictus_rising
Joined 13th Jul, 2012 ·
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Hey guys! So this is my first story, and I'm using the Prologue to get a feel for writing (Oh Celestia its fun)
Feedback pleeeaaasseeee! cant wait to see what you guys think, Ill be writing the second half of the prologue soon, and than ill see how it goes from there! enjoy! 
P.S. there will be romance later
Hrm... Sounds like an interesting concept. I shall read it when I'm not falling asleep at the keyboard, and I will edit this comment later. Oh, and I will say this: I would advise you not to break up the Prologue into two parts. Just keep it as one entire part. I would also suggest to have your chapters quite lengthy; most readers enjoy the longer chapters. Like I said, will read later and leave more feedback. Until then, have a
Sorry for the current formatting, the Chapters will be better formatted and longer i promise
Expect a new chapter every few days (atleast to start with! :D ) Hope everyone likes it
It's necessary, and I'm one of the guys that hates having them die, but I needed a catalyst :3 trust me, I'll try not to disappoint.
It looks great so far keep up the good work, cannot wait for the next part! This is Abigail btw :D
OHMAGOSHOHMAGOSHOHMAGOSH!!! I love this story already. Make moooore!!!
Mah rating:
11/10
awww! thanks yato
And youll just have to be patient :3 tomorrow or tuesday, be expecting ^.^ right now im just so bloody tired though 
Okay guys, the chapters will be longer soon! Promise
But for this one, it was just such a good leave off point 
!!! i hope youll forgive me, and the next one will be up faster. Enjoy! -IR
Oh dang wonder what happened between spike and the CMC, definitely a
media.comicvine.com/uploads/5/52044/2060390-i_like_it_super.jpg
961901 WOOHOO! day made
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/343/459/825.gif
Worst cliffhanger type ever! But, make MOAR!!! Thank you :3
962995 that guy has a lot of sunglasses
and thank you very much :3
Nice!.
Sorry it took so long to read. I had other stuff going on
But I read it and I like it
Can't wait for more.
Alright guys. Yeah, it's been dark. But!
Soon. I dont plan to make this all tragic and dark, but as a fic based on war, yeah, you guessed it.
Thanks everypony for reading.
Reviews welcome as always
1089699 thank you. Sorry bout formatting, hard to do that from my iPod. I'm really enjoying writing this, just need to stop slacking >.<
Couple of errors but apart from that good chapter. It must be hard doing a first person fic with Twilight. I'd imagine it to be quite difficult
I look forward to more
1112465 yeah, its been a source of hardship so far but i think itll be worth it
thanks Dark!
1116375
No problem
I'm sure it'll be worth it
Hi its Abbie :D, I loved it! Like others have said, a few errors but nothing too bad. Also i love love loved how you put Princess Luna in this chapter she is my favorite pony! Keep up the good work!
calm "town" (tone)
As for the story, I like it so far. There seems to be a lot of mention of death very quickly. You could compound the feeling of the CMC dying if you left mentioning Trixie's death until later or Big Mac. These are good parts of the story and you wanted to make it dark, but the reader would feel even worse if there wasn't already so much death right away. That's just me though. I still like it so far. Just remember that whaen you have interesting plot points you can spread them out between chapters.
1789739 Thanks! This is actually helpful.
I've got nothing planned for this story at the moment and I'll probably be rewriting parts of it later on. It was my first story on here but right now it's on hiatus while I work on some newer stuff.
Thanks Spanner!
Interesting chapter. The way you had Pinkie React is interesting to be specific. I feel like Applejack might be the type to be disgusted with revenge, as it would change nothing. She is really level headed that way. Twilight seems to be in it for justice, which I agree with. Rarity is pretty passionate and dramatic. I can see her wanting to make them pay, maybe even going a bit too far. Rainbow would be unsure when it came to taking life (as all of the mane sisx should), but maybe get over it through loyalty to friends and the princess. She may get something like PTSD for following orders no question's asked. I can see RD acting like a warrior on the outside while being torn on the inside. Fluttershy, I don't think will ever be able to take life and would be destroyed if she did. She may be able to pull light a cannon so to speak, but never look a living thing in the eye and end it.
Sorry for long comment. You just got me thinking is all.
1789831 Well that's a good thing is it not? Fiction is, at it's core, made to get you thinking hm?
This stuff is immensely helpful though, as I haven't really done combat yet. As I said, this was my first story and I've rather neglected it for a long time.
I suppose I'll get back to it after I've got some experience under my belt, because I think this story has the potential for something massive story-line wise.
Why didn't twilight teleport? Is it dangerous to teleport injured beings?
1789885 I think so. The magical field that creates (as showcased by a burnt spike) seems to need a willing recipient else it causes backlash. A groggy and injured being then would lack the ability to go just sort of go with it. I think it would be a very, very disruptive thing.
1789898
My sentiment exactly.
Anything that references the fact that the have the same VA is great in my book.
The comma could be a semicolon.
Two things here. First, and this will be a recurring theme, you missed some apostrophes. Second, well, looks like the dark tag is warranted.
Big Mac X Twilight needs to be done more often.
Verb tense problems.
Self explanatory.
Should have a comma after "though".
The second part could be its own sentence.
Comma turns into a semicolon.
Comma turns into a semicolon. Capitalization.
And even more dark... An interesting ship, that one. I don't think I've ever seen that one before.
and saw pinkie give
Either "sat meeting, or "sat in a meeting".
Comma turns into a semicolon.
Shouldn't be capitalized, you wouldn't capitalize "people", would you?
This seems a little OoC of Celestia to me. I'd think she'd be the type to sigh. This is just me though.
Needs a comma.
Missed an "on".
This seems a bit abrupt. I'd have her look all of them in the eyes or something before the "Lead these armies..."
I'd re-word it like this:"A grim look stole over her features; it looked so out of place on the normally happy mare."
You really should avoid # type numbers in fiction. Typical convention is to write them out.
I don't see how that is possible, wouldn't the end be the worst to come?
All that said, the opening scene was well handled.
You set up the MC, in her natural setting, then set up the mood of the story. Everything is going to go badly, and Twi is wishing that everything was better.
"we're"
Into? If this is a saying I'm unfamiliar with it.
FlutterDash, cute.
Comma after strong.
Well, that isn't good. They better have mind control...
Then and occurred.
Someone's or somepony's, but you seem to not be doing that.
Silently
Best princess has best entrence!
Got an extra space in there.
Times, the time isn't owning anything.
Also, there should be a "was" after "Spike".
losing consciousness
34
Wow, I'll have to look through all these when I get back home.
I take it you want me to continue this story then?
This was my first fiction, and I think I've grown a lot as a writer since then, this stuff will be superbly helpful in the revamp and continuation of this once I finish a few other projects I have going.
Thanks again!