• Member Since 13th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 24th, 2014

Invictus_rising


T

It all fell apart so quickly...Where did the world, My world, Go wrong? My name is Twilight Sparkle, and this is just the beginning.

No connection with the Alternate Universe portrayed in Losing Sight

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 35 )

Hey guys! So this is my first story, and I'm using the Prologue to get a feel for writing (Oh Celestia its fun) :pinkiehappy: Feedback pleeeaaasseeee! cant wait to see what you guys think, Ill be writing the second half of the prologue soon, and than ill see how it goes from there! enjoy! :heart:

P.S. there will be romance later :raritywink:

Hrm... Sounds like an interesting concept. I shall read it when I'm not falling asleep at the keyboard, and I will edit this comment later. Oh, and I will say this: I would advise you not to break up the Prologue into two parts. Just keep it as one entire part. I would also suggest to have your chapters quite lengthy; most readers enjoy the longer chapters. Like I said, will read later and leave more feedback. Until then, have a :moustache:

Sorry for the current formatting, the Chapters will be better formatted and longer i promise :heart:
Expect a new chapter every few days (atleast to start with! :D ) Hope everyone likes it :twilightblush:

interesting... a little dark defently lived up to the tag.... but seroiously did you have to kill off the CMCs so soon?:pinkiesad2::pinkiesick:

It's necessary, and I'm one of the guys that hates having them die, but I needed a catalyst :3 trust me, I'll try not to disappoint.

It looks great so far keep up the good work, cannot wait for the next part! This is Abigail btw :D

OHMAGOSHOHMAGOSHOHMAGOSH!!! I love this story already. Make moooore!!!
Mah rating:
11/10:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::rainbowlaugh:

awww! thanks yato :yay: And youll just have to be patient :3 tomorrow or tuesday, be expecting ^.^ right now im just so bloody tired though :twilightsmile:

Okay guys, the chapters will be longer soon! Promise :pinkiehappy: But for this one, it was just such a good leave off point :pinkiegasp:!!! i hope youll forgive me, and the next one will be up faster. Enjoy! -IR

Oh dang wonder what happened between spike and the CMC, definitely a :pinkiegasp:

i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/343/459/825.gif
Worst cliffhanger type ever! But, make MOAR!!! Thank you :3

962995 that guy has a lot of sunglasses :pinkiegasp: and thank you very much :3

Sorry it took so long to read. I had other stuff going on :pinkiesad2:

But I read it and I like it :twilightsmile:

Can't wait for more.

Alright guys. Yeah, it's been dark. But!
Soon. I dont plan to make this all tragic and dark, but as a fic based on war, yeah, you guessed it.
Thanks everypony for reading.
Reviews welcome as always

not bad i will give you that... as for any grmaticall errors i cant see any but then again i am not the kind of person that looks for that kind of stuff, if it can hold my interest long enough i consider it a good chapter

1089699 thank you. Sorry bout formatting, hard to do that from my iPod. I'm really enjoying writing this, just need to stop slacking >.<

Couple of errors but apart from that good chapter. It must be hard doing a first person fic with Twilight. I'd imagine it to be quite difficult :twilightblush:

I look forward to more :twilightsmile:

1112465 yeah, its been a source of hardship so far but i think itll be worth it :heart: thanks Dark!

1116375

No problem :twilightsmile:

I'm sure it'll be worth it :heart:

Hi its Abbie :D, I loved it! Like others have said, a few errors but nothing too bad. Also i love love loved how you put Princess Luna in this chapter she is my favorite pony! Keep up the good work!

calm "town" (tone)

As for the story, I like it so far. There seems to be a lot of mention of death very quickly. You could compound the feeling of the CMC dying if you left mentioning Trixie's death until later or Big Mac. These are good parts of the story and you wanted to make it dark, but the reader would feel even worse if there wasn't already so much death right away. That's just me though. I still like it so far. Just remember that whaen you have interesting plot points you can spread them out between chapters.:twilightsmile:

1789739 Thanks! This is actually helpful.
I've got nothing planned for this story at the moment and I'll probably be rewriting parts of it later on. It was my first story on here but right now it's on hiatus while I work on some newer stuff.
Thanks Spanner!

Interesting chapter. The way you had Pinkie React is interesting to be specific. I feel like Applejack might be the type to be disgusted with revenge, as it would change nothing. She is really level headed that way. Twilight seems to be in it for justice, which I agree with. Rarity is pretty passionate and dramatic. I can see her wanting to make them pay, maybe even going a bit too far. Rainbow would be unsure when it came to taking life (as all of the mane sisx should), but maybe get over it through loyalty to friends and the princess. She may get something like PTSD for following orders no question's asked. I can see RD acting like a warrior on the outside while being torn on the inside. Fluttershy, I don't think will ever be able to take life and would be destroyed if she did. She may be able to pull light a cannon so to speak, but never look a living thing in the eye and end it.

Sorry for long comment. You just got me thinking is all.:twilightblush:

1789831 Well that's a good thing is it not? Fiction is, at it's core, made to get you thinking hm?
This stuff is immensely helpful though, as I haven't really done combat yet. As I said, this was my first story and I've rather neglected it for a long time.
I suppose I'll get back to it after I've got some experience under my belt, because I think this story has the potential for something massive story-line wise.

Why didn't twilight teleport? Is it dangerous to teleport injured beings?:pinkiegasp:

1789885 I think so. The magical field that creates (as showcased by a burnt spike) seems to need a willing recipient else it causes backlash. A groggy and injured being then would lack the ability to go just sort of go with it. I think it would be a very, very disruptive thing.

I continued to stare at her, making her shrink back like Fluttershy,

Anything that references the fact that the have the same VA is great in my book.

I sighed again, I hated telling her no.

The comma could be a semicolon.

"Pinkie you cant get her back like that...She is gone. Please Pinkie, I know what its like to lose a lover, but you cant dwell forever.

Two things here. First, and this will be a recurring theme, you missed some apostrophes. Second, well, looks like the dark tag is warranted.

he had been my husband after all,

Big Mac X Twilight needs to be done more often.

and trotted along to the edge of the park, checking to make sure the sullen mare was still beside me.

Verb tense problems.

click i directed

Self explanatory.

Tonight though he had left to

Should have a comma after "though".

eachother hehe. anyway, I grabbed

headed back into the living room, Pinkie had managed to make herself comfortable.

The second part could be its own sentence.

her hair poofed back out a bit and her ears perked up, she looked at me and licked her lips.

Comma turns into a semicolon.

These are delicious, you say Spike made these? ohhh

Comma turns into a semicolon. Capitalization.

since Trixie's murder,

And even more dark... An interesting ship, that one. I don't think I've ever seen that one before.

under a wagon, dont ask,

and saw pinkie give

and she sat in meeting with the

Either "sat meeting, or "sat in a meeting".

Elements of Harmony and her sister, sunshine seemed to cruelly shine

Comma turns into a semicolon.

the Ponies present.

Shouldn't be capitalized, you wouldn't capitalize "people", would you?

Fluttershy didnt often

or atleast

I should have listened...GAH for someone

This seems a little OoC of Celestia to me. I'd think she'd be the type to sigh. This is just me though.

foolish mistakes and now

Needs a comma.

and sat up, Fire dancing

let this go any longer.

Missed an "on".

I have a request. Lead these armies against them.

This seems a bit abrupt. I'd have her look all of them in the eyes or something before the "Lead these armies..."

"I dont know much

a grim look so out of place took upon her features.

I'd re-word it like this:"A grim look stole over her features; it looked so out of place on the normally happy mare."

return in 3 days time,

You really should avoid # type numbers in fiction. Typical convention is to write them out.

worst to come paled in comparison to its end...

I don't see how that is possible, wouldn't the end be the worst to come?


All that said, the opening scene was well handled.

I remember it so clearly. The day was beautiful, Celestia's sun was so bright, and the world basked in its glow. I sat on a bench in the park, reading Mystic Trivia. The book was a birthday present from the Princess. This day couldn't be more perfect, I thought nothing could go wrong...Oh boy was I mistaken.

You set up the MC, in her natural setting, then set up the mood of the story. Everything is going to go badly, and Twi is wishing that everything was better.

The train back to ponyville was rather uneventful,

matching emblems if were to be this

"we're"

suddenly vanished from thin air.

Into? If this is a saying I'm unfamiliar with it.

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash left soon after. I hadn't missed the glances at eachother during the train ride,

FlutterDash, cute.:rainbowkiss::yay:

tried to be strong but we could

Comma after strong.

sure spike

but...I dont remember

strong one, It's never easy.

Beneath his claws was dried blood, and a strand of white fur...

Well, that isn't good. They better have mind control...

Than a thought occured to me

Then and occurred.

cleanly snap someone spine

Someone's or somepony's, but you seem to not be doing that.

"Spike...I dont think

He continued to sit silent as

Silently

"I'm pretty sure I Co-own this library..."

Best princess has best entrence!:twilightsmile:

until I could

Got an extra space in there.

time's like these.

Times, the time isn't owning anything.

Knives scattered across the floor, and Spike sitting in the middle of them, holding one dripping blood across his forearm as it too bled profusely.

:moustache: suicidal?! NO!! Very dark!
Also, there should be a "was" after "Spike".

Spike was going unconcious fast and

losing consciousness

"no time to explain, grab some wheels!"

34
Wow, I'll have to look through all these when I get back home.
I take it you want me to continue this story then?
This was my first fiction, and I think I've grown a lot as a writer since then, this stuff will be superbly helpful in the revamp and continuation of this once I finish a few other projects I have going.
Thanks again!

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