- Member Since 3rd Dec, 2017
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
An Intricate Disguise
Selling out has never felt so dirty.
An Intricate Disguise
Joined 3rd Dec, 2017 ·
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Three for three.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Can I just say how confusing it is reading a first-person narrative of Trixie while she refers to herself in the third-person?
8600208
I've actually mixed the persons based on her feelings and actions throughout, kinda like code-switching. It's either a new and innovative interpretation or irritating as hell, I'll let you decide.
8600216
A bit awkward, I found, but otherwise ok.
~Skeeter The Lurker
8600221
Glad to hear so! Thanks for reading, glad it was tolerable.
8600216 I could tell that it was intentional at least, which is good. But I didn't understand the pattern. The clarification helps a bit, but I would probably advise against it in the future.
Still, kudos for at least trying something new and innovative!
8600265
Thanks for the honest opinion, it's appreciated! Yeah, it was something of an experiment, and I'm unlikely to repeat it, but thank you! I like to try my best to be inventive with my concepts and execution.
8600216
That was pretty immediately apparent upon reading it and really added to the story. Though it's nice as a rare thing, it would become immensely annoying in an longer fic/more fics.
Are you plotting to make my dick explode?
Is that your plan? Who sent you? KGB?! Volgin?!
I hope you plan on making a twidash ending/epilogue because I'd love that.
And about the whole first person/third person I don't really have an opinion, it was weird, but it didn't really disturb me nor was it 'good'.
It does make sense on Trixie, but I'd personally go with her always calling herself in third person when speaking to herself, and going to first person when 'messups' happens, as in something surprising and/or something requiring her entire attention happens. Just the way she does it when speaking out loud, really, always referring to herself in the third but from time to time slipping an 'I' in there by mistake.
Idk, I don't really care anyway so you do you, but please don't stop writing, ever.
Another greatly enjoyable vouyerism fic for my favorites shelf.
As someone who doesn't know a lick about writing, I found the switch in person fitting with the character of trixie and the general tone of the story. While reading, its inconsistency stroke me as something new that did not hinder the flow or break immersion, but rather as an original and effective way to point out a peculiar trait of the character. That's a all good in my book and, if there will ever be more, I'd be down for that.
How do write gud words fast like you?
And dang, you're really into voyeurism, aren't ya?
Oh shit, all your voyeurs really need to hide themselves better.
Now we've got 2 arcs going on. I think I like this universe.
-----------------
Delete comma
I see in another comment that you do this on purpose depending on her emotions. I have edited this comment to say that I don't agree. This really is annoying as hell. I won't push the issue though.
Trixie's head, as she
how hard I tried. (??)
Does "decisively" even work here? Maybe "definitively"? And definitely "definitely".
Decapitalize "slowly"
See, the problem I have with you switching how Trixie thinks is that when you play the Pronoun Game, it can get confusing for the readers.
beginning to husk as she nipped at my ear
"Thought you might be," Starlight laughed
8601700
Horrible grammar advice. Many of your suggestions are flatly incorrect.
8602128
Like what? I want to get better at this, yeah?
8602144
Both commas you said to delete were valid, if optional.
The one you suggest adding would be incorrect.
How I tried is a valid formulation of the phrase.
Decisively does technically fit, though other options exist.
Your other error catches were ok.
Regarding the nibble pronouns, it's useful to remind authors that they can avoid confusion through adjectives. There's no guessing necessary if the ear's color is noted, for example.
8602167
Ok, so the two deleted commas.
Clinging is referring to how the smile was on the muzzle, they shouldn't be separated.
For similar reasons, the second comma is unnecessary too.
Adding the comma after Trixie's head makes this an appositive phrase and allows the reader to more concretely imagine Trixie's head as "askance". Otherwise, we'll just see the "askance-ness" being separated.
"how hard I tried" definitely has some question marks after it because I was unsure if the original was alright.
"Decisively" doesn't fit there because she because she didn't regret her actions afterward and because that sentence is looking back at her previous actions. This means that "definitively" doesn't work that well either, but I also did recommend "definitely".
8602221
The lack of comma when it comes to the askance bit does more to associate her head's angle with her forward motion.
Great story! I loved it!
The fact that 'Trixie' is a warning, made me laugh so much harder than it should have
8602454 Glad you enjoyed that! Now I'm just waiting for someone to pick up on the chapter title...
Fetish that is underrated AF. We need more invisible girls.
Are you sure that wasn't a horse cry.
I loved this fic. The pairing, the plot, the things that go in the plot. Mmmhmmm. Thank you!
I dunno who you are, but you know what you doin'. 👍
very sexi
This is excellent. I think the third/first person thing works very well. It really gives a sense of authenticity to telling the story from Trixie's perspective.
The only things that felt out of place were the few instances of indirect speech.
One more thing: I really like Google's coincidental example for the word "purchase" which was used herei.imgur.com/9t82goO.png
Something tells me you're going to get your heat much sooner than you think... if you know what I mean.
8643607
I think we can all guess what the people on Google have been reading.
Personally, I really liked the mix of third and first person. Would never work normally, but it really helped characterize the narrative as Trixie’s, and with that understanding I didn’t find it confusing. You also captured their dynamic quite well throughout, though the “You and f*cking equality” line is almost definitely my favorite
8643607
Ooh yeah, I agree that is a good example :)
Your new friend, Rexy :)