- Member Since 6th Dec, 2017
- offline last seen Jun 16th, 2022
Mr or Mrs BlackRose
Im BlackRose, most ponies assume I am a mare but I don't identify as mare or stallion. Im both actually.
Mr or Mrs BlackRose
Joined 6th Dec, 2017 ·
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i think i would be good on cinema sins, and i'll prove it.
(disclaimer: i don't mean to discourage anyone from writing. i only wish to encourage intelligent design in characters, story, and art, as well as improve people's writing capabilities. we all started with a terrible OC or a terrible story.)
1. your oc is literally gender fluid. you didn't have to make that a major part of their character, but i suppose you're probably part of the generation that is growing up during the cancer that is the feminist movement. now that i think about it, is this just a joke?
2. your oc's name, black rose, refers to their ability with flowers. gee, i could tell that without even reading the story. also, red and black with a white body coat? come on, i can think of several better color schemes off the top of my head. Also, your character has no cutiemark and is obviously just a fluttershy recolor. commissions are only about four dollars on deviantart.
3. you really need an editor. your grammar and spelling is quite awful.
4. also, your ADULT OC gets a cutie mark not ten paragraphs into the story. also, i can already tell that the character is going to become the grim reaper or some subsect of death's role. that's pretty edgy, and you don't yet have the skill to pull off an edgy story that provokes thought. one more thing. in the same wall of text, you move from cutie-mark to your other OC, who apparently isn't important enough for a title appearance. there's a thing called pacing, and i strongly recommend you working on it.
5. " "Oh some old guy gave them to me, said that I would pay the price later what ever that means." he said, "Strangely there's only one ticket back, guess we got to buy one for the way back when we leave the mountain." " do i detect bootleg bill? do i also detect a pretty stupid decision? we've established that this character is stupid and forgetful, and that he's also pretty unobservant, as he hasn't noticed that his best friend HAS JUST GOTTEN HER CUTIEMARK.
6. Finally, the end of this... MASTERPIECE's first chapter. so basically death comes up and says, "hey, i'm gonna be creepy and not ease you into this thing i've had to do for millenia, don't mind me. also, i'm basically going to say that this job is like working at a disney park, so you better be ready or something spooky woOoOoOo will happen."
in conclusion, you desperately need a creative assistant and an editor.
How does one be "gender fluid"?
Wow this is great for a first try. I would suggest getting different cover art. It seems that Pony creator is frowned upon for reasons uknown and add more descrption in where the story is taking place. Anyways you have potential dont give up!
8598920
Truly the only compliment one can give when they can’t give a real one.
8599404
Well its better then most crap on this site and yeah its not a great fic but I see heart.
8599459
thanks for the compliment foal star and your awesome
8599459 I assume you're going to say that this story's going right on your fridge next?
8600570
No, I do, just non-constructively so.
Well, from your half-hearted criticisms and empty positivity, you could have fooled me.
Problem is that BlackRose can't do anything with that information if you don't tell her what it is. You saying "she has potential" and that "you see heart" is like, whoop-dee-do! How does that make her different from every other writer on the site, and more importantly, how is that supposed to fix the problems with her story?
Not if you keep feeding her unhelpful non-compliments.
Sorry, but "potential" doesn't get you upvotes on here.
8600641 I know enough that "potential" (at least in your terms) matters even less.
I could explain why this is bad, but I'll just leave a red thumb and watch this comment section blossom.
8600625
the author of the story clearly doesn't understand some of the basic concepts of writing. i wouldn't even call this worthy of a dime-novel or a crappy 3rd-world comic. but i see their point about heart. this author wants to learn how to write better, but doesn't know where to start.
we all started like this, and we all needed encouragement and discouragement to start on our path. but yes, the comment wasn't constructive. it doesn't matter, though, because others are giving constructive criticisms.
8600844
I understand and I get it. But next time I'll just keave my opinion and just go. Im no good at giving advice and Im worse at arguing. I just liked the story. Thats it. My anger took over with the other guy. Thats why I deleted those comments anyways. Im done.
8600902 I really wouldn't say I saw "anger" in your comments (trust me, I've seen angry on this site and that wasn't it).
The thing is, potential is like a bicycle. You can say that someone has a bicycle, but you and I can both agree that if that someone took their bicycle, held it over their heads and ran with it, he'd be using the bicycle improperly. Clearly, you can say that he still has a bicycle and it wouldn't be an inaccurate statement, but that doesn't fix the problem that he's not using the bicycle properly.
Potential works exactly the same way. You can say that a person or story has potential, but if the potential isn't being channeled properly, simply saying that "they/it has potential" is moot and doesn't solve the problem at hand.
8601006
I was there before I used to write terribly and encouragement helped with me as I was determined to get better. So I studied and read the writers guide on fimficton. I found editors and friends etc... it all began really beacuse one person took the time out of their to say I had potential. So I was going off of my own personal experience and was why i got so flustered anyways thats it.