Earthpatriot117
Joined 12th Jun, 2015 ·
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Just no.
Well, I do love Fallout and Fallout related things, so let's see where this will go!
8748504
May I ask why?
8748548
Thank you!
I know I'm not a good writer and I know this first chapter doesint have much going on in it to give people an idea of where the story is heading. Mostly it was to get me more pumped for future chapters. Xd
I'll tell you thou, it took me FOREVER just to write this.
Xd
8748685
First, self-inserting is awful and done by writers with little imagination, and you should feel awful.
Second, your story reads like a childrens book with the excessive use of capitalised bold words.
Third, self-inserting into a fan-fiction is a whole new level of silly.
While my first impressions suggest this will be yet another disaster, this is a recursive fanfic SI. Those are insanely rare and thus always worth checking. I think there are like 20 total Human in FOE, and only a couple of them are any good.
-----
Lets see. The [thought] text got annoying fast. I suggest trying to integrate those into the text better, as its kinda a break in action/time continuity.
Too much in the way of bold-ing/emphasis.
The initial reactions were reasonable enough, and honestly I go on tangents like that in my thoughts all the time. Still, try to keep those to the minimum.
Its an OK start, but I haven't seen any social interaction or character simulation so I can't really judge yet. Certainly following.
I suggest you run it through a grammar checker of some kind. There are definitely some wrongly used words. Just Microsoft word or something, run the grammar/spelling checker and confirm that every single case where it gives a warning is intended.
it should be lowercase
that should be uppercase
Run-on sentence, separate.
Lowercase in
fuck should be uppercase.
In general, stuff around your swearing/emphasis is often formed wrongly.
their should be there
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/misspelling
The humor should help remembering.
Excessively long, especially with the comment in the middle.
celling should be ceiling
I think the following sentence fragment was supposed to be joined as well. Suggest refactoring.
it's should be its
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/apostrophe
Again, great source material
And another reason to hate english....
Too long and also awkward. Suggest splitting/revising.
Commonwealth
Why the emphasis? Generally gender emphasis around here imply gender bending or similar. Something to avoid in an experimental crossover like this.
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Hope that helps. Looking forward to MOAR!
Oh, and don't get discouraged by the flood of downvotes doubtless coming in. FOE stories and SI/HIE stories often get downvoted without people trying them.
Only worry about feedback which suggests how to improve(and "throw it out and write something different" doesn't count)
I am no writing critic what so ever, But I can say that I quite enjoyed this so far. I would like it if you made more chapters but its your choice. Still though in my mind its off to a good start.
seems interesting i will be sure to put on my tracking
This looks quite promising, so i'll follow it for now.
But the [insert random though here] gets a bit annoying though.... maybe use less of it.
8748873
Isn't there a whole lot of self-insert HIE stories on here?
And the reason i used a self-insert is because as this is my first fan-fiction story ever I needed a character that would be easy for me to handle.
Unimaginative? Maybe, maybe not.
Honestly, there's nothing wrong with using a self-insert, a lot of authors who do HIE stories admit their main character is somewhat based on themselves but don't use the self-insert cause they add other things to their character to make them more interesting.
I'm just more upfront and honest about it, that's all.
8749008
Oh wow, I had no idea how wrong I was going about writing this.
I honestly should have got a proof-reader to help me out with this, but I just got so impatient after the five ones I wrote to in that proof-reading group never even ansered back after over a week of waiting.
Thank you so much for pointing these mistakes out, I call that very helpful criticism.
8749008
What are these good ones you speak of? I would really like to check them out!
8749384
Good idea. I'll do just that.
8749008
Any thoughts or advice on how to keep it from being a disaster?
8749794
Not all of these are human in fallout Equestria, but they are non-standard derivatives.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/20055/fallout-equestria-rules-of-engagement
I think you have this in your favorites list alreadyt=.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/76764/fallout-equestria-equestrian-wanderings
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/112251/fallout-equestria-ssdw
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/94431/fallout-equestria-foreigner
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/15458/fallout-equestria---just-like-clockwork
Doctor who crossover, Mature as well.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/2317/lacuna
More that it implies Fallout Equestria indirectly, without ever stating it.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/236046/38-minutes
They vary in quality, but all of these were worth reading in my opinion. Its the outside context insertion that is the important part.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/43509/outside-the-reaching-sky
Also indirrectly references and is clearly inspired by FOE
8749793
Better give advise than find another story to drop. Especially since there is unlikely to be alternatives
8749797
I can't say much, since I'm not a writer, but make sure you look at character motivations and make them interact in a reasonable way. That tends to be what I find wrong with many stories, aside from grammer/spelling/formatting.
8749877
hopefully I can figure how to write them in. xp
thank you. I will take that advice into account for the next chapters.
and thank you for the links! I got to check them them out!
Saw you around fimfic as a commenter on some of my fav story's, got bored checked your profile then "BOOM!" Found this gem in the making. Keep up the good work man I have a feeling this is gonna get gud!
8964054
Wow thanks!
Life's been very busy on my end so I haven't had much time to work on this, but now that things seem to be settling down again finding time to do it should be easier to do.
GET THIS SHIT GOING
8968818
With enthusiasm like that how can I not!? Xp
It will probably still be a while before I update a new chapter thou. Last couple months have been hectic for me and my family, but now things are settling down and i should be able to find some ample time to write, so keep your eye out. Oh, and thanks for faving and supporting my story!
How is Fallout 4 on legendary mode less dangerous that the world of Fallout: Equestria?
9054328
I have yet to play it on legendary mode so I'm mostly guessing the damage creatures in fallout equestria can make, I'll say that fallout equestria is a lot more dangerous.
Oh boy the story is not dead!
9067188
Nope! Just needed to find time and motivation is all. Xd
9068020
Well, good luck writing the next chapter.....the prologue you set up is definitely interesting!
i hope to see more of this
why?
Aaaand i hope he has the same "powers" as in the game. like level ups, nearly unlimited amount of space where you can put your shit and stuff like that. I am exited for this to continue.
Cute kanna could be your man. For the proof reading, so there isn't any misspellings
9204832
...why what?
9204841
Updates are gonna be sporadic I'm afraid, but I'll get to it when I have time.
9204851
Were there misspellings? I did the best I could with there only being me able to do it. Xd
Cute khanna?
9205675
yes cute kanna a fellow writer could be you're proofreader and there was a little bit of misspellings
Update please 🙂
:'v