The Sandwich Sorcerer
Admiral Biscuit
There were a lot of restaurants around my hotel, ranging from quite fancy to rather bland. Thus far, the plainest I'd encountered was the Thermopolium, which sold two kinds of porridge and two kinds of bread. The choices varied by day, and it was quite popular for laborers and taxi-drivers. The most exclusive one as far as I could tell was La Valette du Var—the doorpony just shook her head as I glanced at the menu.
Judging by the fact that they had a doorpony, it was probably out of my price range, anyway.
There were plenty of other choices, though, and I made an ever-widening culinary circle of my neighborhood in Manehattan.
I'd passed The Sandwich Sorcerer several times before I finally went in, mostly because I hadn't realized it was a restaurant. There wasn't any outside seating, and it was on the second floor, which was not where I'd expected to find a restaurant.
The dining area was best described as Goodwill chic—none of the furniture matched, and the walls were covered with slightly garish pictures of unicorns. The only thing that they were lacking was a velvet pony-Elvis painting.
Nevertheless, they seemed to have a decent clientele, mostly of young college-aged unicorns. Some of them were still sporting backpacks, and over at one table, a small group of students was studying together while eating lunch.
Every head in the place turned when I walked in—I guess this restaurant didn't get too many human customers—and a moment later, there was a unicorn who was so attentive that she could only be the owner.
I honestly liked it better when I got a more jaded waiter, who didn't feel the need to ask if I wanted to use silverware or if humans could drink apple juice. But I couldn't hold it against her; she was completely sincere.
I'd been in a few themed restaurants back on Earth, and I also hadn't gotten fully accustomed to pony menu conventions, so the fact that the sandwiches all had names didn't strike me as all that odd.
But as I kept looking, I didn't see what I'd consider standard sandwiches on a pony menu. Things like a daisy sandwich, which was their version of PB&J, simply weren't on the menu, but there was Burning Heart's chocolate and onion sandwich (not as strange as it sounds) and Cayenne's hot hot pepper on spicy sriracha bread (it's hot!), neither of which sounded terribly appealing. Star Swirl's coffee bean butter on thick pumpernickel bread (keeps you up all night), Mistmane's asparagus, egg and blue cheese sandwich (tastes better than it looks), and Snowfall Frost's old bread and hay sandwich (cheap). Besides the parenthetical notes after each ingredient list, there was a number.
I could have asked what she'd recommend, although I had a deep dread that that would turn into a long Q and A session about what humans ate, and there was the possibility that I could die of starvation before she finally recommended a sandwich.
So instead, I pointed to Zesty Gourmand's toast on bread sandwich and asked her if anypony actually ever ordered it.
“Of course,” she said brightly. “It's the quintessential sandwich, don't you think?”
“It's toast on bread. That's not a sandwich.”
“But it is! That's why it's so genius; it reduces a sandwich to its most basic elements. And it was a very daring choice for her to make.”
“Okay.” I held up my hand and ticked off the problems with the sandwich on my fingers. I should have considered a different gesture; I think she was paying more attention to my finger counting than my point. “First, it's bread on bread. On Earth, we call that a loaf of bread, and that's how it comes from the store. Second, that's the most boring sandwich ever. Even Snowfall Frost's old bread and hay is gonna have more flavor. Third, do you know what a hipster is? And fourth, what do you mean by daring? A three-year-old could do better.”
She rolled her eyes. “Zesty Gourmand is the most brilliant restaurant critic ever. Just because you don't understand the genius and daring of her sandwich doesn't make it any less great!”
I held up my head. “Maybe we're misunderstanding each other here. I don't mean to insult your sandwiches, but—“
“My sandwiches? Mine isn't even on the menu. I thought. . . “ she wrinkled her muzzle. “Well, if you must know, I thought that I didn't deserve to be in such good company.”
I was completely confused. “Such good company?”
“You know.” She motioned around to the paintings on the walls. “Starswirl? Clover the Clever? Mistmane? Zesty? Where does little Spuckie fit among them all? I haven't done anything great; all I know how to do is make sandwiches. I flunked out of Canterlot University.”
“What does that have to do with sandwiches?” She'd lost me somewhere along the line.
“What does that have to do with sandwiches? That—that was the one test that I did pass. Every unicorn's got to invent food to graduate from a proper university.”
“Invent . . . food?”
“Yeah. Like, a sandwich or salad or dessert.”
“That doesn't make any sense.”
“Sure it does.” I could see as Spuckie shifted into lecture mode. “Back when the Wendigos first started freezing everypony out, but before it got too bad, Princess Platinum realized that to be a proper unicorn, you had to be able to feed yourself, and the only way that you could prove that you could do that was to invent some kind of food.
“That didn't work out like she'd planned, 'cause it turns out that you can't make very good food from dirt no matter how hard you try or how good at spells you are. You burn up more energy than you can make, usually, because of—well, you're not a unicorn, you probably wouldn't understand the technical reasons. Anyway, after unification she was gonna take that out of the laws, but decided to keep it as a reminder. But you don't have to enchant dirt anymore.”
“So all these sandwiches, they were literally invented by the unicorn whose name is in the menu?”
“Yup! I just went through a lot of the old records. And some of the more contemporary ones, 'cause ponies' palates have changed since the old days.”
“I see.” I glanced back down at the menu with my fresh understanding of the historical context behind the sandwiches. Maybe I would have appreciated it more as a unicorn. “What kind of sandwich did you invent?”
“Um.” She scuffed her hoof on the floor. “It was an apple sandwich with cashew butter and a little bit of black pepper to spice it up.”
“Can I have that?”
I thought she was going to come up with some reason why she couldn't make me one, but Spuckie grinned. “I'd love to.”
It was delicious.
I think that my "open faced air on toasted rye" sandwich is even more quintessential.
I also think that it's a pretty good example of the technique of demonstrating absurdity by being absurd.
Huh. That was an amusingly alien experience.
No workers or students classics?
Sugar Butty?
Lard Butty?
Hay man, these ponies, they be crazy, like.
They have to "invent" food. Does that mean that somewhere the universities record each and every dish created?
That's thousands of years of strange and unique foods created by college folk, all recorded in some library somewhere?
Moved up in the world from Physics Exchange Student to Bread Inventor.
Owner: If you know what I mean. *Waggles eyebrows*
"Joe": So... like coffee?
Owner: Oh. Yes. Just like coffee.
Oh no, I'd rather just have my kaya toast. That has 100x more flavors than that.
Five years later, Spuckie finds out that her sandwich has a devoted and rapidly growing fanbase on human-Earth, and that more humans recognize her name than Starswirl's.
8759319
I don't think they count as sandwiches if they don't enclose some ingredient in the center. Even if it's just air.
Reductum ad absurdo? (I probably butchered that Latin)
8759373
Just wait for the next installment.
8759412
Raman noodle on toast? Burnt microwave popcorn on toast (also burnt?)
Just dry toast because Sunset Shimmer was hung over when she presented her sandwich?
8759438
Well, of course, I can't say how long colleges keep records, but there is a copy of my senior project at the Kalamazoo College library. At least, they say there is. Maybe I ought to go and check.
So I take it said modern-day explorer will eventually meet the Mane Six?
8759455
Cayenne can do two things.
mlpforums.com/applications/core/interface/imageproxy/imageproxy.php?img=https://orig00.deviantart.net/b1d0/f/2017/335/4/a/picnic_in_canterlot_by_ironm17-dbveqmw.png&key=e0f03b9c822f258296ce9df68e0d2fe078a626149cf40682ea837e7a123036dd
I didn't know what that was until just now. It sounds really tasty.
8759460
Everybody knows that the path to fame and glory is to invent a sandwich.
8759511
I hadn't really made any plans for him to, although I suppose he could. This story is meant to mostly be a repository for my weird bits of headcanon that don't fit anywhere else.
8759521
Have you heard of the Fat Darrell?
So does this mean that Twilight invented Quesadillas?
That was the funniest thing I've read this week.
I'm reminded of Pam's Harvestcraft, a mod for Minecraft that adds a bunch of new food recipes (and raw ingredients), including a toast sandwich. The recipe is, sadly, only two units of toast.
That... actually sounds pretty good. I'mma try that.
That ending was absolutely cute as heck
8760105
It's the most edible sounding one.
8759506
Still got her a passing grade though, because Sunset accidentally used ingredients that Celestia thought she had hidden better.
whose
I'll be honest, given the restaurant's name, I was hoping we'd get to meet Trixie's parents. Still, fascinating look at one of the odder bits of unicorn culture.
Spuckie sounds like a very pleasant mare.
So, what did Twilight invent?
8759591
I have now
8759767
No; I think she's been scared of them since she was a filly.
pre00.deviantart.net/108b/th/pre/i/2016/027/d/b/nightmare_by_flutterthrash-d9pjf54.png
8759771
8759962
If it's only two units of toast, they're preparing it wrong.
Actually, what if you toasted the two outside pieces of bread and put the untoasted one in the middle. Hmm.
8760105
Let me know if you do!
Just FYI, I did not invent that myself . . . I saw that recipe online somewhere [it was probably this one]. Which means that it was invented by a chef . . . or at least, not a mechanic.
8760142
Thanks!
8760148
I'll be honest, I'd be willing to give the coffee bean butter on thick pumpernickel a try.
8760156
"Where did you even find my Emperor Nimbala II jerky?"
8760925
Did you say Trixie's parents?
Granted, this isn't them, but I've been itching for a place to use this image.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/7/25/383684__safe_trixie_text_peanut+butter+crackers_pinecone_bird+feeder_wood-dash-daver.jpg
8761000
I think she is. I think she'd be fun to spend time with. Plus, she's probably not shouty in the kitchen, unlike Gordon Ramsay.
pre00.deviantart.net/dc99/th/pre/f/2013/257/7/9/_mlp__gordon_ramsay_by_ookami_95-d6m8o6t.png
8761611
I don't know, but I'll tell you what she didn't invent: Eggplant fruit salad.
That came later. <-----shameless self-promotion
8760867
Dammit, I'm not sure how I messed that one up.
8766364
Ten years later, on Spuckie's first visit to Earth:
Late one night, Joe and Spuckie sat in a small restaurant named "Joe's Spuckies" just across the river from Boston, perusing the menu. Joe wasn't the Joe who owned it (though he was a regular patron), nor was the owner aware that the mare with the sandwich cutie mark and the man in the slightly rumpled sport coat were the creator of his store's signature sandwich and the bestselling author whose travelogue ignited the culinary trend.
Never underestimate the trendsetting and marketing power of kids who want to eat "what those cute ponies eat", mused Joe as he looked around. It was past ten and the tables were mostly empty, but a steady stream of MIT undergrads came by the take-out line to pick up a cheap, mostly nutritious snack.
Spuckie, meanwhile, was fascinated by the menu's variations on her sandwich. "Joe! Just look at all this! Double Spuckie: twice the apples. Choco Spuckie: adds Nutella. Vermont Spuckie: adds a slice of extra-sharp cheddar. And then there's the Avocado Spuckie, the Chunky Cashew Spuckie, the Butternut Squash Spuckie..."
Her nose crinkled. "Ewww. Chicken Spuckie? Bacon Spuckie?"
Joe took a sip of his coffee. "Those are pretty popular, actually. Especially the second one. You've got to remember that on Earth, chickens and pigs aren't sapient."
"I know, but part of me still feels...ewww." Spuckie shook her head. "It makes me wonder what other Spuckies humans have come up with."
Joe decided then never to mention his trip to Paris, where in a haute cuisine two-star Michelin restaurant, he had seen a menu advertising the "Spuckie Spuckie."
8766378
There's actually a victorian toast sandwich. A buttered piece of toast between two slices of bread with "salt and pepper to taste."
A restaurant for unicorn hipsters?
Edit: "Cayenne" ... wait a second...
Second law of Thaumodynamics is a real bitch.
I wonder what Twi's sandwich would be.
8759509
Maybe human universities should also make you invent sandwiches instead of writing papers. It's ultimately a skill with more applications.
Sandwiches, huh?
...Now I'm hungry. Damnit.
Ah! But it never said improvements or changes could not be made for new food!
And does it need to be a sandwich? Why not a wrap? Easier to hold and less likely to make a mess on the go.... Do we taste a revolution???
8768076
Until a feminist gets triggered
But then nobody takes them seriously any more
8783443
I'm not sure in what way you felt this comment would be a worthwhile or relevant contribution...
8766495
The funny thing is I could go either way on that. Like, I know that they typical reaction is for ponies to at least be uncomfortable with the idea of people eating meat, but somehow I just like the idea of her shrugging and saying, "Eh, it's not anyone I knew on that sandwich."
Maybe she could get a franchise going, too. I think a lot of people would like the idea of McDonalds losing sales to a cute little unicorn.
8766576
See, if you're adding butter and salt and pepper to taste, that's not the essence of a sandwich.
At least, that's what I think Zesty would say about it.
8767314
res.cloudinary.com/teepublic/image/private/s--a3U5yifD--/t_Preview/b_rgb:484849,c_limit,f_jpg,h_630,q_90,w_630/v1476500139/production/designs/734745_1.jpg
I couldn't miss the opportunity.
I know, right?
I don't think it would be a sandwich, personally (and note that she said unicorns had to create 'food,' not sandwiches specifically). Having watched a clip from that one episode, I think Twilight might make muffins. Probably healthy bran muffins also loaded with coffee beans.
That's really not a bad idea.
I had to write a novel, and what good has that done me?