• Member Since 5th Jun, 2016
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

Matthewthawes


My name is Mathew though I answer to Matt as well my oc name is thunderous light line bolt worthy or thunderbolt for short

T

disclaimer I suck at righting, i'm not satisfied with this story. so all I ask is a little more constructive criticism. I will be removing it and redoing it once I have time, but tell then don't be a discorded Fluttershy thank you. also, my laptop computer loves it when keys don't press maybe I'll learn too as well yay*

Sweetie while trying to get something her sister was hiding from her winds up causing a desaturase chain reaction destroying her sisters work ruining a very sentimental music box and right in the middle of one of her sisters biggest orders for one of the most prestigious clients in canterlot. but maybe she won't be as mad she swallows her anger whats the worst that could happen? certainly, she wouldn't through her out on the street.

spoiler
(I'm really sorry it was real pret-mph gulp! "?")
(i'm sorry darling but I don't have time for this gulp hmmmm marshmallows) looks like she does swallow it alone with the problem
.

triggers, vore, none fatal and a terrible half backed story I would appreciate constructive criticism inspired by vore belle the rising. the story is only a startup I am willing for plot suggestions for beginning and end scripts.
an update may include some racy and saucy or to put it simply incest. this is a fetish fic, not a rape fic so don't complain at me if you don't like incest just don't read it.

Chapters (16)
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Comments ( 37 )

The description alone is full of spelling and grammatical errors. Proofread man, you gotta proofread.

8613968
Agreed. So many typos in just the prelude is a massive turn off.

8613968
I dunno if it's worth it, man. If the guy can look at what he wrote (atrocious grammar and all) and think to himself, "yes, this is good. I can see nothing that can be improved upon further", then there might not be much hope for him.

forgive my poor writing but I can only work with the equipment I have plus my systems crashed and I lost Microsoft word and everything with it, so i'm not in the mood for criticism I know it's terrible but I barely afforded high school. i'm lucky to have a cheap ass laptop that crashes gets viruses and where I lose half my work. forgive me if I dont have all the time in the world to devote myself to this and forgive me for sounding like an asshat but I can only work with what I have plus my method is to write then go back and do punctuation.

Scrap this, rewrite it from scratch. The story's rating is not doing you any justice nor yourself by making/giving excuses.

the one thing I've never understood about stories about vore like these, is Unicorns have horns and even if there not super pointy if the character within the stomach simply pushed it forward as hard as they could it's going to puncture stomach lining and after that its just a matter of tearing their way through anything else such as organs, muscles and flesh.....same with stories where Spike gets eaten.
he has Claws and teeth that can cut gems, fire that can melt steel and scales that can easily survive lave. So he could not only survive stomach acid for quit some time, but also easily cut his way out of any creature that eats him.

What is a desaturase?

8731114
You can find a spellchecker in most internet browsers as an option, let alone just taking the time to re-read your work before uploading it. There's no excuse for the steady decrease in quality in this piece as it continues, especially considering it wasn't that good to begin with.

Also if you managed to get through high school with writing this atrocious, I don't think you deserve to have done so.

8792176
no i dont i fucking thank you and fyi my computer is a peice of shit to i also flunked english and literiture so thank you for being honest but before you fucking bleach me outlet me tell this i have partail blindness in my left eye i cant smell not that has anything to do with wrighting i wright with an eye patch to help me fucking see so yeah i fucking suck

8787975
sweetie dosnt wont to hert her sister

8787922
maybe this is just a templet entell i get an editer

8730217
i know its atrociuos thank you ill work on it

8792461
That is a load of garbage.

(I apologize for cursing originally by the way.)

Comment posted by Snorlaxkid deleted March 13th

8792734
critic and no honestly i lack deepth perception plus my kebord an this laptop sucks somtimes they dont press and no i havent proffread yet and im curently useing my tablet yes my grammar sucks so kill me i'm not stupid i know its bad i'm corently taking what spare time i have to try and relearn literiture and grammar

Comment posted by Roselucky Seven deleted April 12th

disclamer i suck at righting i'm not satisfied with this story so all i ask is a little more constuctivee critasism. a will be removing it and redoing it once i have time but entell then dont be a discorded fluttershy thank you. also my laptop computer loves it when keys dont press maybe i'll learn to as well yay*

I'll fix this for you, bro.

Disclaimer: I suck at writing, I'm not satisfied with this story. So all I ask is a little more constructive criticism. I will be removing it and reuploading it once I have time, but until then, don't be a fucking dickwipe. Thank you. Also, I like to blame my PC for my own faults because my writing is shit and goes far beyond just a few characters not being inputted when I press the keys and activate the mechanical switch inside of my keyboard.

With love, Seven.

8859285
thank you though I dont like swearing ill fix what I missed.

...Yeeeeah, this needs lots of work.

Firstly I'd reccomend Italics for thought as it's kind of difficult to tell the difference between 'thought like this' "and speaking like this." Next you want to work on your grammar. < see that? It's a period, < that is a comma. it does not end a sentence. The only instance you would use a comma to end a sentence, or dialogue is when you interrupt dialogue with narration, and the later narration is in the same paragraph. Something like

"That's not a book," Twilight pointed out. "it's a pizza." < notice I still used a period when she finished talking.

also your 'stomach' sound effects don't need to be spelled out, you don't really write sounds out at all, actually. You describe the character hearing them.

What's the point of requesting constructive criticism if you're going to lash out, formulate excuses, and delete comments? That seems a little backwards.

8792461
>flunked English

Yeah, we can tell.

Also as a reiteration of 8880999 ‘s question. Why are you lashing out? You asked for criticism.

8792461
Not trying to be that guy, but being completely blind hasn't stopped this person from releasing coherently written works.

8881528
agreed, retaking English and grammar, sorry but I flunk those classes.

8881086
if I've been lashing out just call me immature or impatient I asked to have pony's smarter than me motivate me through frustration. my spelling may be bad but my punctuation is worse.

8880999
I don't always lash out and I deleted comments because I thought I had to clear my inbox blam the lash outs on my frustration

Krimble #29 · May 25th · · · Vore ·

Jesus Christ, stop making excuses already. If you suck, then own up to it and learn how to be better. I don't care how cheap your laptop is or how many times you flunked lit, and I certainly don't care if you only have 15 minutes a day to crank out some writing. Nobody and nothing is responsible for the quality of your work except for you.

First off, do you know about grammar? Second, if you cannot find it within yourself to write properly, find yourself an editor, or even better, improve your grammar. Third(and final), if you don't actually start taking advice from others, then your ratings aren't going to change.

I'd suggest adhering to these rules, should you actually take what I said to heart. https://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp

*sees your summary* Look. I'm not gonna downvote. But you need to improve on the core mechanics of writing-grammar, spelling, and punctuation/capitilization- before I can bring myself to even TRY to read your story. You're not the worst writer I've seen-I can comprehend what you're saying. But if you want constructive criticism, here it is:

Take a free online writing course of some sort.

8964396
already am but realizing how much I've forgotten is embarrassing I normally write like I would text then go back and re-reading and such,

Nooooooooooooooooooo!
















































More please.
If you read this far good for you! Reply and I'll follow ur channel.
Have a like and a mooooostash:moustache:👍

8965337
anything you want to say oh I need a proofreader and an editor but I won't shove but would you be willing to pre-read a new story for me its only got 15,000 so far you don't have to read the whole thing

Whoa. Okay, before even reading this (or even the description beyond an initial glance), I feel compelled to attempt to correct your story's description:

Disclaimer: I suck at writing. I'm not satisfied with this story, so all I ask is constructive criticism. I will be removing and redoing it once I have time, but till then, don't be a discorded Fluttershy, thank you. Also, my laptop computer loves it when keys don't press; maybe I'll learn too as well. :yay:

Sweetie, while trying to get something her sister was hiding from her, winds up causing a desaturase chain reaction, destroying her sister's work, ruining a very sentimental music box. And right in the middle of one of her sister's biggest orders for one of the most prestigious clients in Canterlot.
But maybe she won't be mad and she'll swallow her anger; what's the worst that could happen? Certainly, she wouldn't throw her out on the street.

("I'm really sorry it was real pret-" mph gulp! "?"
"I'm sorry darling but I don't have time for this" gulp "mmmm, marshmallows.")
Looks like she does swallow it along with the problem!

Triggers: Vore (non-fatal) and a terrible, half-baked story.

I would appreciate constructive criticism. This is inspired by Vore Belle the Rising. The story is only a startup; I am willing for plot suggestions for beginning and end scripts.
An update may include some racy and saucy content or, to put it simply, incest. This is a fetish fic, not a rape fic, so don't complain at me if you don't like incest, just don't read it.

And now that I've read the description to do that, I must say I am glad to provide the constructive criticism asked, though I think I'll take it real slow with how much there is and just how bad your grammar etc. is.
The title is wrong too, it should be "Sweetie's Punishment".

:applejackconfused: Normally, when Ah give Apple Bloom a time-out Ah just make her stand in the corner, but, uh, whatever works for you Ah guess.

not as bad as Evictus but you'll soon be there

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