You Scream, We Scream
The day ended like most did: with a sunset. This prompted everypony to ease themselves down for the day, retiring to their homes for those final few nocturnal activities before sleep overtook them.
And causing this sunset was the illustrious Princess Celestia, sovereign of all Equestria. She stood on the balcony of her castle, gently swaying as the magic leaked out of her horn like water from a tap.
“Mmm…” she said as the sun dipped below the horizon. “That should be alright.”
She looked beside her to see her sister Luna, who nodded in approval. With that, her own horn lit a dark blue and the Moon began to raise in the sky. Higher and higher it went, until it stopped right where the Sun had once been.
“Fantastic job as usual, Luna,” Celestia said with a smile. “I’d forgotten how smoothly you could raise the Moon.”
Luna smiled. “Your abilities are far from paltry as well, sister.”
The leaders turned and made their way back into the castle. They walked down the long hallway, one of many in the labyrinthine castle.
“What a day,” Celestia said, a soft sigh escaping her lips.
“Indeed,” Luna said with a nod. “Even without your duties, I feel quite tired from today.”
They turned a corner and came to a set of illustrious golden doors. The two sisters’ insignias stared back them, engraved in the metal.
“Well, let’s see what the kitchen has for us today,” Celestia said, pushing the doors open. A long, white table stretched across the room, covered with too many foods to count.
Luna took a long whiff of the air. “Mmmm, strawberry jam!” she said, trotting over to the closest chair. “A delicacy I haven’t sampled in a long time!” The moment she sat, she began levitating as many of the goodies onto her plate as possible.
Celestia walked towards the table, but even she struggled to contain her excitement at the dinner stretched before them. Fried beans, peanut butter celery, crisp salad; the list of delicacies went on and on.
Sometimes, it’s good to be a Princess, the elder Princess thought. She soon took her seat and joined her sister in ravishing the meal laid before them.
***
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
“Absolutely delectable!” Luna said, the last bit of fruit salad leaking out of her mouth.
“Very good,” Celestia agreed. She covered her mouth before a little burp leaked out. “Now, Chef Hays…what’s for dessert?”
The blue-maned chef clopped her hooves, and two magenta mares pushing a trolley came out. “Ice cream, Your Highnesses. Vanilla bean, to be specific.”
“Ah, a classic,” Luna said. “I remember when we had this flavor as foals.”
Ploop! A mighty scoop of the treat flopped into Luna’s bowl.
“Indeed,” Celestia said.
Ploop! Celestia’s bowl filled with a similarly hardy scoop. Celestia thrust her spoon into the treat. A few seconds later, she let out a euphoric moan.
“Delicious,” Celestia said. “And I think you agree, Luna.”
Luna nodded, her cheeks puffed out and lips dripping rogue droplets of cold sugar. “Ith goot,” she said.
Celestia smiled and returned to her own serving. For a few minutes, the duo simply sat there, eating as the servants waited and looked on.
“Well,” Luna said, dropping her spoon into her bowl. “That was delectable.”
“Yes,” Celestia said. “So much so that I think I’ll have another scoop.”
The room froze.
The wind outside stopped.
The chef and the kitchen mares looked on, fearful expressions filling their faces.
Luna looked on in gaping awe.
“Come again, your Highness?” one of the ponies eventually asked.
“I’d like another scoop,” Celestia said once more.
The mare cracked a nervous smile. “Yes. A very amusing joke, your Majesty.”
Celestia looked confused. “Joke? I’m asking for another scoop of ice cream.”
The mare’s face fell. “You’re…you’re serious?”
“Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”
The mares looked at each other. Thin beads of sweat began to trickle down their brows.
“Sister…” Luna said. “I think you need to really consider your options.”
Celestia looked confused. “What are you talking about, Luna?”
“We…we don’t ask for two scoops of ice cream.”
“Why not?”
Luna’s own sweat began to build. “Because… because he appears.”
Celestia looked even more perplexed. “Who?”
“Him.”
Celestia’s mind went for a beat. “Luna, what’re you-?”
“Trust me, sister. Stay your hoof on that second scoop. Equestria will thank us for it.”
“Why?” Her voice betrayed an annoyed tone. “What could possibly be summoned by having another scoop of ice cream?”
Luna put her hoof down on the table. “Celestia, back when I…when I wasn’t myself, I wanted to make the night eternal. I wanted to make the whole world bow to my will. I wanted to make darkness the only thing every being in this world would ever see.
“But there was one thing that even in my hate-filled madness I would never, ever do.” She motioned down to the ice cream bowl. “And that was have an extra scoop.”
Celestia stared at her sister for a few moments.
“Ba-hah!” she chortled. “Oh Lulu, you’re so good! I was worried you would be so serious for the rest of our lifetimes!”
Luna’s face soured. “This is no laughing matter, Sister! The end of Equestria as we know it could occur due to your gluttony!”
Celestia’s laughter ceased, and her face contorted into pure anger.
“Fine! Then I’ll take it myself!” A golden aura covered the ice cream scoop, and the next scoop of ice cream flew into her dish.
“NOOOOOO!” Luna cried out.
All was quiet. Only the wind could be heard.
Celestia smiled. “You see? Nothing to worry about. I’m shocked that all of you-“
“Two scoops?” a faint voice called out.
“Did you say something, Luna?”
Luna’s eyes went wide, and she shook her head.
“Twooo scooooops?” the voice called out.
Celestia looked toward the chef and the two maids. They were hugging one another, eyes bugged and bodies trembling.
“Twoooooo scoooooops?!” The voice was louder now, almost as if it was just down the hallway.
“Who’s saying that?” Celestia called out. She turned back to Luna. “Sister, this prank has gone on long enough.”
Luna shook her head. “This is no prank, Sister. This…this is the end.”
Confusion filled Celestia’s face.
Then the ceiling burst.
“TWOOOOOOOO SCOOOOOOOOOPS?!” The voice vibrated throughout the room, penetrating every surface of Celestia’s body.
Celestia’s lightning reflexes allowed her to look up to the broken ceiling and the oncoming figure for a split second. She threw up a shield just in the nick of time.
BAMF! The figure hit the force field head-on, and Celestia fought with all of her might to keep the shield up. It ricocheted off of the surface and flew across the room, impacting the opposite wall.
Celestia dropped her shield. “Who are you?!” she shouted. A hint of fear inched through her firm voice.
The figure stood up. The dust began to fall, as did Celestia’s face.
“What…?” she said. “What are you?”
The figure stood tall, a thin body supported by long legs and a round head on top of it all. A fancy three-piece suit covered its whole body, with dress shoes capping off the rest of the outfit. Loose black hair hung from its head, and black-rimmed glasses masked the eyes in a reflection of light.
The figure smiled. A faint glimmer shone off the teeth.
“I am your reckoning. Your ultimate nightmare. The greatest night show host to ever exist…Stephen Colbert!”
All at once, a large band began to play to his right, filled with a large ensemble of the Canterlot Orchestra. Smiles filled all of their faces while they belted out the strange tune, their limbs flying across the instruments at a brisk pace.
“Woo-hoo!” a plethora of voices called out. Celestia turned, and saw the entire castle staff sitting in chairs, cheering and clopping their hooves together in glee. Everypony, from the maids to the guards, sat in newly formed bleachers and gazed at the strange being in anticipatory glee.
“What is this?!” Celestia cried out.
The music stopped. Celestia felt a hoof on her back, and she turned to see Luna. The pained look in her eyes told a story not even a thousand years in the Moon could equal.
“Sister…Stephen Colbert is a being from another reality. He’s summoned whenever somepony takes an extra scoop of ice cream, and he conquers all he sees.”
A hushed ooooh rose from the crowd.
“Yeah, just like how you conquered those Saturday morning ratings, eh, Celestia?”
“Ha ha ha ha!” the group chortled.
“What are you doing?!” Celestia shouted to the audience. “Run! Get away from this madman!”
“Mad Man?” Colbert grinned. “More like ‘Mildly Irritated When Wet’ Man!”
“Ha ha ha ha!” the group laughed again.
“Celestia, Colbert uses his powers to mock and deride the rulers of the realms he enters,” Luna explained. “He…he can’t be stopped.”
“That’s Conan O’Brien, actually,” Colbert said.
“Enough!” Celestia turned and flared her nostrils. Another ooooooh escaped the crowd. “I don’t know what you’re doing to my subjects, but I will stop you!”
“Just as I’ll stop you, Horsey Face! Your tyranny against vanilla flavor ends today!”
The crowd cheered.
“Princess Celestia?” he said with a sneer. “More like ‘Princeless in Middle Age-Stia!”
The crowd howled in delight. Celestia’s face went red, first from embarrassment, then anger.
“Seriously Celly, you’re the only pony I know whose midlife crisis lasts hundreds of years!”
The crowd laughed again.
“You...” She launched a blast of magic toward Colbert, who sidestepped it like a dodgeball.
“Fireworks come after the show!” he said. He launched his own magic at her, comprised of pulsating red, white and blue energy.
BANG! Celestia dodged just in time, dragging Luna with her.
“Luna, help me!” Celestia said. “Together, we can defeat him!”
Another oooh.
Luna shook her head. “I’m sorry, Sister. He’s invulnerable. He uses his powers as a masterful manipulator of truth to fuel his comedy powers.”
Another blast zipped by them. “This sexual tension is sizzling,” Colbert said with a grin. “Just like the fanfictions I have with you two spooning!”
The crowd ooohed as Luna’s face went crimson.
“Never mind, Sister. I will not allow any being to live who hath said we should be lovers.”
With that, the two unleashed their powers at him. He dodged expertly each time, moving smoothly this way and that. The crowd cheered with each blast, their hooves clopping a tune of extreme merriment.
“Hah! I haven’t seen a comeback this bad since the Hobbit Trilogy!” Colbert said.
The audience paused, uncertain what to say.
Colbert rolled his eyes. “Ugh, that’s what I get for using that joke in a show filled with Trekkies. Read some Tolkien for once, you plebs.”
The audience still didn’t laugh. They began to look at each other, unsure about whether to laugh or even what they were doing there.
Seeing Colbert’s focus turned away, Celestia and Luna attacked. They threw their respective blasts of magic, hitting Colbert right in the chest. He still stood, but his knees shook from under him.
“Son of a bee-yatch!” he cried out. “That hurt more than John de Lancie’s singing!”
Again, the ponies didn’t laugh.
“That’s it!” Celestia hissed. “He’s telling all the wrong jokes! He’s weakening! Now attack!”
They zipped forward, smacking him with several bolts. He buckled under the weight and fell to the ground.
“Foolish mortals,” he said with a sly smile. “You forget that I have one power to match even yours.”
“What is that?” Celestia sneered.
“Network protection.” He spread his arms and clapped his hands together. “CBS Power, I summon you!” All of a sudden, a giant black-and-white eye formed around Colbert, covering him in a pulsating grey energy. The sisters threw their power towards this new figure, but the blasts dissipated with each hit.
“It’s no use!” Luna cried out. “His Network Protection is impenetrable! It’s created with the most foolproof of contract laws!”
We need to act before he starts joking again, Celestia thought. The other ponies are almost out of it now; they only need a little longer to snap out of their trance.
Then she looked down at the floor, now riddled with edible debris. Next to the table stood the dessert cart. And right on top stood the still frozen (if now slightly softer) vanilla bean.
Celestia smiled.
“Leave this to me, Luna.”
“Wha-?” Luna didn’t have time to react before Celestia was down at the cart.
“Oh Steeephen,” she said. Her eyes flared with a mischief Luna hadn’t seen since their younger days.
The upper lid of the eye opened up, and Colbert’s face peeked out. “What, Smellestia?”
A few chuckles leaked out of the crowd.
“I think I’ll have some…ice cream.”
The room went silent.
A pin dropped somewhere.
Even the audience seemed too frightened to ooooh.
Colbert’s face twisted into a fierce rage. “You wouldn’t…”
Celestia smiled wide and grabbed the scooper.
“Put it down!” Stephen cried out.
She put the bowl under it.
Ploop!
“No!” Stephen shrieked. “Don’t you dare!”
She scooped another.
Ploop!
A fire burned in his eyes. “TWO SCOOOOPS TOOO MANNNNY, SUCK-LESS-TEA-UHHHH….”
She dove the scooper in one more time.
“RRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH…” the host growled.
Ploop!
The eye shattered and plummeted to the ground like a failed NBC pilot. Colbert shot out at an inhuman speed, straight towards the sinner.
“ABDICATE NAAAAOOOOOWWW!” he cried out. He threw a punch towards her, which she sidestepped like it was nothing. He looped back around.
“ONE PERCENT OF THE POPULATION OWNS NINETY PERCENT OF THE WAFFLE COOOOONES!” He threw another punch that missed even more.
Celestia stood calmly. “Oh, and Stephen? Jay Leno was way better.”
His eyes burned, and he sped towards her near the speed of light.
“GIVE UP THE EVIDENCE OF GRYPHON COLLUSIOOOON!”
A zap filled the air, and Stephen came tumbling to the ground. He came to a rest right where Celestia was standing. Luna stood several feet away, her horn smoking and a devilish grin upon her face.
“No,” Colbert said. “I…I’m the best late show host ever. I can beat magical gods from another dimension...”
“Tsk-tsk,” Celestia said. “You of all people should know Stephen: Ego is how they go.” She nodded toward her sister Luna, who landed right next to her. “My sister and I were able to work together to bring you down. Even though she didn’t have to; she warned me not to take the extra scoops, and I passed her off.
“But she and I were still able to work together to beat you. Because it’s never all about yourself, or even about us two.” She pointed to the castle staff, who had managed to raise themselves out of their seats. “It’s about them, and doing what we can to make their lives better. Not snarking about it behind a TV screen and having a mindless audience clap along with everything we say.”
She bent down and lifted Stephen’s chin. The rage in his eyes had died into a look of perplexion.
“Learn how to bring people together, instead of just making snide jabs from afar. You can make the world a better place that way.”
The castle stood silent for a moment.
Then, slowly but surely, the castle staff began to applaud.
“No…don’t clap,” Colbert managed to choke out. “Don’t clap…” His body began to fade, a distinct aura of magic surrounding him. In a few moments, his body was gone, vanished into the ether.
Celestia turned toward the gathered group. “Thank you, everypony. Take the rest of the night off, all of you. We’ll clean this up tomorrow.”
They all nodded and trotted off to their respective quarters, some still looking somewhat dazed from the situation.
Celestia then turned to her sister. Luna smiled.
“Thank you for your kind words, Celestia.”
Celestia hugged Luna in a tight embrace. Luna returned the gesture.
“From now on…” Celestia said with a smile. “I think we’ll stick with cake for dessert.”
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i dont get it........
preview.ibb.co/hO2A77/colbert.png
DAAAAANALD! HES HAD ONE SCOOOOOP TO MANY! DRUMPF IS A LITERERAL HITLLLLLER!
8837698
Least he didn't eat New York Pizza with a fork.
8837752
ok serious question, who did that?
8838070
http://www.cc.com/video-clips/0ect4f/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart-me-lover-s-pizza-with-crazy-broad
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i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/020/514/kanji_dawa.png
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Thanks to all who commented. I hope there was some amusement had with this rather dumb story.
8873531
:D
i.redd.it/2h0mwreamhxy.jpg
TWO SCOOPS?!
TWO SCOOPS?!?!
Seriously, though, thanks. This is the stupidest thing I've favourited in a long time, and I love it. Colbertposting is a magical, wonderful thing.
9745793
Thanks! It was an idea I cooked up back when I browsed KnowYourMeme a lot, and something about a talk show host losing his mind over ice cream seemed ridiculous enough to warrant a brief story. It's definitely not my usual cup of tea writing-wise, but I'm overall satisfied with the final result.
I'm also slightly fanboying from your response, as you wrote the single best review of the Equestria Girls Holiday Special I've ever read. I remember wanting to write/record a review for it when I first heard about it, but your examination did it so well and thoroughly I didn't bother going through with it.
Just out of curiosity, was there any moment in this story you particularly enjoyed?
9748120
Thank you. I don't do many of those super detailed reviews/breakdowns, but a lot of work goes into them, so I'm always glad to hear people appreciate them. Hopefully the season eight review will be just as well received.
As for highlights, I think "GIVE UP THE EVIDENCE OF GRYPHON COLLUSIOOOON!" in particular got the most laughs out of me.
Edit: Also, looks like some of the images on that old review are broken. I'd better go fix those, since you've brought my attention to it...
Edit 2: And done!
9748131
Heh, that was one of my favorite lines as well. I was actually kind of on the fence about including it when I first wrote this, just because I was worried integrating some of the, shall we say, political elements of the meme would alienate readers. But I eventually decided it was too good a line to leave out precisely because it was so unexpected in a relatively apolitical work. Sometimes just a pinch of edginess can make a gag work that much better.
9748165
Personally, I'm not fond of how political messages, themes, and references are forced into everything nowadays, but that's mostly because it's often poorly done, shallow, and/or blatantly agenda-driven. But in this case, it works, not only because Colbertposting already had political aspects to it (so it's not so out of place here), but also because the joke works regardless of the reader's own political stance. Colbert screaming like a madman is inherently hilarious, regardless of whether or not we agree with him.
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Your feelings towards politics in works are pretty similar to mine. I'm certainly not against people creating politically charged works, but more often than not the creators don't have the ability/talent to integrate it in a meaningful way. They become so focused on the "message" that they forget that characters and events can be nuanced and complex, and that sometimes the message doesn't fit into the world they've created.
I actually fell into this trap for a story I'm uploading to FimFic soon. My initial draft was largely critical of a certain American city, and the story was meant to highlight the city's flaws via an invasion of Equestrians. However, my editor pointed out that the central character's emotional transformation through the story felt sidelined for a basic "society sucks" message that distracted from rather than added to the story. Through revision I was able to create a more nuanced protagonist and show the city as still fundamentally imperfect, but something the protagonist oddly wants to keep around as a bulwark from the flood of Equestrian newcomers. It was a helpful reminder that any message, no matter how well-intentioned, doesn't work without a strong story backing it.
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I think I could tell a similar story about an unpublished work of my own. But regardless, I liked how this one turned out.
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Thanks for your comments, and I'll keep my eyes open for your Season 8 review!