Hello! My name is AshleyH from youtube! Here you will find various different short tales and the written version of my audio drama Remembrance
Rara never realized that changing her image meant a whole new road of troubles. With the backlash of fans and mountains of hate it becomes harder to remain focused on her original goal. She slowly realizes that change isn't so easy. Will she be able to find that light in the darkness that is the path she's chosen? Based on my parody called "My Time" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOVtiRkw_Ys
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I think you meant to put a ‘she’ Between room and had. ^^’ or something to make it sound better.
*she
Actually this time is if you need that second sentence. It’s already established she’s thinking to herself, so is a tad redundant
‘where a thousand other of the same type of letters lay’
Try rewriting to just ‘where thousands of others lay.’ Flows off the tounge a bit more while simpflying things.
‘When the letter finished Rara wiped a couple tears from her face and smiled to herself.’
Eh, defiantly would polish up if you went this far with my grammar nazisum ^^’ something like;?
When she finished the letter, Rara wiped a couple of tears from her face, and smiled.
Okay, overall, not a bad story. Had some time and drive to want to proof read something for practice, and this didn’t seem too long, which might be the problem. I can understand if this wasn’t meant to be too fleshed out and was just an idea you wanted to put to words, and for that it dose it’s job and dose have some emotional impact. That said, from experience, it could of had a little more set up and a little less telling of how Rara is feeling. Though I’m glad you used actions to show most of the emotions rather than just saying she’s was happy or sad.
There’s a story called Weight of a wasted year that dose just about everything I think you tried with this story a little better if you have time. Did a dramatic reading, but the written version is better.
Overall, this isn’t a bad story. Just a short little sad slice of life that dose it’s job if you honestly want to leave it as it is. could have been a bit exspanded or polished if you want to, just keep up the good work :)
And I really hope this has been helpful ^^’ can’t say I’m the best writer in FIMFiction, but I’ve learned from some of the best ^^’