“Life,” slurred Twilight as she leaned over the table, “is like a shpoon.”
Rarity gave Twilight a peculiar look and sat down on the bar stool next to Twilight, who was extraordinarily drunk, if the mostly-empty wine bottle was any indication. Rarity squinted at the tipsy alicorn, debating about whether or not to humor her before giving in with a sigh. “How is it like a spoon, darling?”
Twilight perked up. “Oh, it’s just… see, look at this spoon!”
“That’s a fork, darling,” Rarity deadpanned, perching on the edge of her seat, as though she were in a great rush to be leaving.
“Fork, shpoon, whatever. Point is, look at it. You can fill it up all the way, but theresh only so much space to fill it in. Guess where the rest of life goes?” Twilight smiled proudly at the fork, and gulped down the rest of her glass of wine before Rarity could snatch it away.
“I’m not entirely certain you’re hearing yourself correctly, and I cannot fathom where the rest of life goes.” Rarity removed the offending glass, but was a second too late in removing the bottle of wine. Twilight cradled it in her hooves, spilling a bit of it on her fur before chugging it down noisily. Rarity winced at the sight, and waved over a waiter to bring a napkin, but the alicorn was far from caring about the state of her fur.
Twilight waved the fork excitedly, knocking her half-full bowl of soup off the table. “Oh, shurely you can guess, Raridash. You know all the thinks about life, right?” She burbled and looked at Rarity expectantly, hanging on her every word.
“It, ah, spills out, darling?” Rarity suggested weakly while trying to dab away the red wine from Twilight’s chest. Twilight batted away her gentle hooves and stroked her wine bottle possessively.
“Exactamundito! It makes puddles in the quicksand of time itself, turning it into spicy mud, because life ish spicy, at least if you’re doing it right. Now, shome ponies, they only kind of fill their shpoons of life. They get not much out of it. But I’m overflowing, like, er…” She trailed off, staring at Rarity through the tines of the fork. “Raritijack, where was I again?”
Rarity looked agitated, and neatly folded the napkin as best as she could. “You were filling up a fork with the spice of life, I believe?”
“Ah, yesh. Whoa, wait, where’s my soup?” Twilight stared at the imprint of the bowl on the table in bewilderment, then at the fork in her hoof.
“It’s on the floor, darling.” Rarity mumbled, half paying attention as she attempted to tidy up the table, in a desperate hope that it wasn’t a lost cause.
“Why’d you put it there? Now see, there’s what you don’t want. Shpilling life soup everywhere, makes a mess.” Twilight nodded amiably at the soup, and then nodded amiably at Rarity, before blinking owlishly at her, coming slowly to a realization. “Wait, Rarashy, why are you here?”
Rarity cleared her throat politely, as though a subtle cough may somehow correct the situation. As one would expect, it did not. “I’m here because you’re drunk, Twilight. I do hope you will tell me why you’ve drunk so much without telling anypony where you were.”
Twilight frowned, puzzled. “Because… my shpoon is overflowing, and made a mess on the floor of my reality. So I came here to drink, becaushe… I don’t remember. I think that was the intent.” She then proceded to give the empty wine bottle a quick smooch before setting it lovingly on the table and giving it a little pat.
The unicorn sighed and arranged the bottle in the middle of Twilight’s placemat. “I don’t think I quite understand you, darling. Your… spoon is overflowing?”
“Yes. My spoon ish overflowed. Too much stress, you shee. It all goes spilling down, down, down.” Twilight’s hoof idly traced a few drips of soup as they made their way down the tablecloth and into her lap. “I’mma tell you a shecret, Raritittily. You can’t tell anypony, shwear?”
The unicorn rolled her eyes as she went through the motions of the Pinkie swear, more concerned with a drop of soup that trickled its way towards her own lap. She eyed it warily. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. Twilight, please, tell me what this is all about!”
Twilight took a deep breath before settling her hooves on the table. They were all crossed, and this annoyed Twilight, so she set them down the other way, which worked much better. “Okay, the shecret is… I don’t like my job. Or this soup.”
A few drops of said soup levitated in Rarity’s magic as she gave Twilight a quizzical stare. “You don’t like being a princess?”
“No, no, my other job.” Twilight sprawled across the table, knocking the bottle off it. It shattered on the ground, unnoticed by either mare. “Remember, the one I took to try to shee if I liked retail? As it turns out, I don’t, at all. It’s really boring. I’ve been tryink to get myshelf fired for weeks now, and it hasn’t worked, and there was this ishue with a bear, and-”
“Darling,” Rarity interjected, which was rather rude, but Twilight let it slide. “Have you considered quitting, if you hate it so much?”
The alicorn stared at Rarity as though she had mushrooms growing out of her ears. “No, shee, I can’t quit, that’s like givink up, and I can’t just say I hate what I do with every fibre of my eternal alicornious being, because that’s just complaining, and, and…” She sniffled, then took a deep breath to continue. “And other ponies have it worshe than me, and I don’t wanna sheem above them just because I’m a pwetty pwincess, and it’s not like I can’t do it, and the manager ish nice and I just don’t like how tedious it is, and-”
Twilight got no further with her train of thought, on account of the tight hug that Rarity enveloped her in. “Twilight, dearest, it’s alright to not like something. You’ve worried Fluttershy and I quite a bit, thanks to your disappearing act.” Twilight tried to hold in a sob, but it found its way out of her throat anyways. Stupid wine, she definitely blamed the wine. Pinot noir. She always hated that kind.
Rarity smushed Twilight’s face between her hooves, as delicately as she could while still holding the drunk alicorn’s attention. “Sweetheart, nopony would think worse of you just because you hate a horrible job, princess or not. You just need to march up there and tell the manager that you’ve had quite enough, and you quit. Simple as that, darling, really!”
Twilight staggered to her hooves and pried herself from Rarity’s grip. “Yesh, you’re right, it ish that simple!” She stumbled her way towards the exit from the bar, only to be held in Rarity’s magic. She flailed her hooves at the ground that was hovering a few feet away from her hooves.
“Perhaps,” stated Rarity gently, “you should wait until morning, okay?” Twilight nodded tiredly, then perked up.
“Raripie?”
“Yes, darling?”
“What happens if you puke into telekinesis?”
“I, ah, I don’t-”
“Rararifity?”
“Yes?”
“Let’s find out together! It’ll be for shcience! One, two-”
“DARLING WAIT!”
Rarity dropped Twilight on her face, seconds before Twilight vomited all over the cheap carpet of the bar. As Rarity went off to apologize to the staff, Twilight stuck her tongue out and made a face. She really didn’t like Pinot noir, going down or coming back up.
Well then.
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Thank you for your concern, but I don't actually hate my job that much, and even if I did, I'd rather have a job that I don't like than not have a job, because, unlike Twilight, I'm not rich. ^^
And I'm passionate about writing. I hope you enjoy it!
I liked the bear. Nice touch.
Welp.
dude this speaks to me on such a direct level i really wonder if you're me
Oh my god, I was in stitches over this! Noticed that "Pinot noir" thing you snuck in there, too--and I always love a reference I can catch.
Also, I really want to know what happens if you puke into telekinesis now.
I'm surprised she didn't just burn the place down. Can't have a job if there's no place to work.
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Thanks. While I was writing it, I typo'd it as "beer" and got really confused when rereading it.
8580774
I am you, you are me. You've found me out- or was it me who found you out?
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This is why I write. I'm proud that I made you smile! Your comments brightened my day!
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Bonus chapter: Harry the Bear has too much beer.
The part at the end where Twilight was like, "Lwet's find out for swicence! One... Twoo-" Lol I died of laughter
And then there is that one pony that just wont stop complaining about everything at the store. Especially that time they hired an Alicorn that turned the place on its head because the manager was too scared to fire her, much less punish her for the crazy stuff she did.
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PFFFT.
Hello? Feature box?
Everything I've ever read about retail and customer service makes me glad that I've never been forced to take to those kinds of jobs.
Loved this fic! Can really associate with the patience of the manager...well, not really😅 Look forward to reading more by this great author...
I didn't know I needed this in my life. Until now.
Wait... what DOES happen if you puke into telekinesis?
Huh. I'm doing retail as an off-duty gig. Its only saving grace is that it has fsck-all to do with my day job. Liked and fav'ed
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I'd like to think it gets hyper-accelerated to three times the speed of sound the nanosecond it touches the magic field.
Spikey? Your work here finished?
Yeah, I'm still talking with the manager
Fire me!
what?
fire me!
FOOSH!
Twilight what are you doing here? Nice of you to visit.... Cake?
The owner has a new lower price, We're right about Twilight.
Yes my Spikey Wikey after we get Twilight to apply to the other stores we can expand my fashion empire!
And only Auntie Pie knows!
again 100% accurate. awesome story.
Love it. Amazing job, had me laughing my ass off.
So I STILL don't know who thought it was a good idea to give Harry a Rewards Card, and why they did it! INQUIRING MINDS NEED TO KNOW!!
The trick is to teleport the vomit away as it leaves your mouth. Take care where you send it.
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Someone could do an entire story with this.
It had simply too much potential.
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The Diamond Dogs send their sincere thanks, with compliments to the chef.
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Meanwhile, Starswirl the Bearded is still trying to make sense of the strange puddle that appeared in front of his brand new house in Canterlot.
It seems unlikely to explode... Could it be a message? He definitely spend way too much time trapped on limbo, and has no idea how to react to this.
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Shoo-be-doo! Shoo-shooGack! Cough! What the Fluke did I just swim into?!
Well that was something. A fun way to spend a lunch break.
The most important thing to take away here is that Twilight writes ship fics about her friends.