• Published 28th Nov 2017
  • 2,068 Views, 31 Comments

Celestia's Chosen Hero... is Carl? - Joey JoJo Shabadoo



To prepare for an oncoming threat, Princess Celestia summons a being from another world. His name is Carl and somehow, this surly, sardonic, sullenly little pony is supposed to be the key to saving Equestria?

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Part 3: The Last Thing I Need is Lightning Bolts Up my Ass

Even as the clouds rolled in, it was still a relatively beautiful day in Ponyville. The citizens were all busy tending to their own various chores and errands, keeping the town abuzz with chatter and energy.

Unfortunately, this plucky and cheerful sentiment was not shared with Princess Twilight and her associate Carl, who were still bitter towards each other. They didn’t so much as utter a single word upon leaving the castle. Carl wasn’t even informed about where they were going.

At least this gave Carl the opportunity to experience the rush of early afternoon Ponyville for himself. Seeing all the ponies hanging out in their own social circles, enjoying lunch in the company of friends as they all went about their daily routines, reminded Carl of home.

It still felt strange seeing horses doing human activities, but still in a very horse like manner. For example, the logic behind having horse drawn carriages in a town populated by horses, greatly confused him, but despite those minor oddities, this world didn’t feel quite as alien as he anticipated.

Even so, Carl still had questions about how this new world worked, but hesitated to say anything as Twilight hadn’t even looked at him for the past ten minutes and he didn’t want to accidentally trigger her. Of course, this only grinded on his nerves, angered over the idea of Twilight possibly getting upset over some minor questions. Eventually he stopped caring about that possibility and just blurted out his thoughts anyway.

“Hey!” He called. “So, what’s the deal with the horns and the wings? When do I get some?”

Having been focused on trotting forward for the past ten minutes, Twilight finally came to a stop. She turned to Carl with a stern look in her eye, like a mother dealing with her bratty child. She wasn’t sure whether he was looking for a genuine answer or if he was just looking to start trouble, again.

“Look, Carl.” She rigidly warned him. “If you want my help, then you’re going to have to make a few adjustments to that attitude of yours.”

Growing impatient, Carl ignored Twilight's advice completely. “Oh, forget it. I’ll just ask someone else.” He turned to a random unicorn, minding her own business and immediately started yelling at her. “Hey, lady! What’s with that horn on your head!?”

Before he could cause a scene, Twilight quickly dragged Carl away from the poor, defenseless mare with her magic. “I’m sorry, he’s an idiot.” She apologised before turning back to Carl. “What do you think you’re doing? You can’t just go around screaming at ponies like that.”

“Geez, Twinkle. I was just asking her a question. We're on a busy high street, what was I supposed to do, ask for her consent, first?”

“Just... “ Realising that she may have slightly overreacted, Twilight freed Carl from her grasp. “...don’t talk to anypony…”

“But, how am I supposed to discover the magic of friendship if I can’t talk to anyone?”

“Wipe that smirk off your face, you know what I mean.”

Twilight was about to carry on her way, but the moment she put her hoof down, Carl yelled for her again. “Trite Light!”

“It’s Twilight.”

“Whatever, anyway, you didn’t answer my question.”

“Are you talking about the horn thing, again?”

“Yeah, when do I get one?”

“You don’t, Earth ponies don’t have horns.”

“What!? That’s fuckin’ horseshit!”

There was an audible gasp among the crowd of ponies. Carl’s strange behaviour already drew some attention, but his tone and aggressiveness was causing a commotion.

“Carl!” Twilight pleaded. “Can you at least try to behave yourself!?”

“Behave myself? I don’t give a shit about that! Where’s my horn!?”

While some ponies were slightly intimidated by such zealous vulgarity, others immaturely snickered at the absurdity of it all, but some were clearly offended by Carl's rudeness, with one mother even covering their innocent impressionable child’s ears.

“For Celestia’s sake, Carl! Stop!” Twilight begged.

“What the fuck does Celestia have to do with this!? I just want my horn, dammit!”

“CARL! THAT’S ENOUGH!”

“NEVER! If I’m gonna be stuck in this shitty town for god knows how long, the least you can do is let me do some cool magical shit! Now, make with the horn, already!”

While Carl couldn’t care less about what others thought of him, Twilight was beyond embarrassed. She could hear the murmurs of the crowd, quietly judging her. Was this crude stallion a friend of hers? Are these the kind of ponies the Princess associates with? Should the Princess really be tolerating such crude conduct from a civilian?

Before Carl made everything worse by opening his big mouth again, Twilight magically dragged him away from the market to a much quieter part of town, as he angrily protested the whole way.

“What the fuck!?” He cried, still being detained by Twilight’s magic. “You can’t just drag me around like some sort of rag-doll. I have rights, goddammit!”

“Carl, I doubt you even know the first thing about Equestrian law.”

Carl giggled to himself. The idea of magical pony laws amused him. “Yeah… I might get slapped with a fine for hurting someone’s feelings…”

“Ugh... shut up…”

“Hey, don’t get all pissy with me, you should have just answered my question.”

“Your ques-? What were you trying to prove by yelling at me over a stupid horn!?”

“I don’t know...”

Twilight desperately held back her rage. She so badly wanted to scream at him, but she knew it wouldn’t solve anything, it would only supply him with more ammo. “Deep breaths, Twilight….”

Carl continued chuckling to himself, he couldn’t believe someone of such high status was so easy to toy with, she certainly didn’t carry herself with as much elegance and poise as Celestia, nor was she as patient.

Calming herself down, Twilight scowled at Carl. “Oh, I bet you’re having the time of your life right now.”

“Well, we all find ways to cope with bad situations.”

“Ooh, if I wasn’t a Princess right now, I’d…" Twilight raised her hoof. "...never mind…”

Twilight had never been so frustrated with someone before, just looking at the smug, satisfied grin on his face gave her a headache. He was clearly being obnoxious on purpose and yet, Twilight could do nothing to stop him.

“Hey, so about that horn thing?” Carl asked.

Twilight took another deep breath to gather herself. “Okay, look. I’ll try to explain this as simply as possible, so even you can understand.”

“Gotcha.”

“Right, so, there are three types of ponies: Unicorns, Pegasi and Earth ponies. Are you with me so far?”

“Three poners, got it.”

“Unicorns have horns that allow them to use magic. The pegasi have wings that allow them to fly and control weather and the earth ponies have neither, but make up for it with their physical strength and connection to the Earth. Do you get it?”

It seemed simple enough, but Carl needed details. “How does having wings let you control the weather?”

“It’s not the wings that control the weather, Carl. Pegasi just do it naturally.”

“Well, what the hell am I then?”

“You don’t have a horn or wings, so you’re clearly an Earth pony.”

"So, I don't have cool magic powers?"

"No."

"What...? Then what do I have!?"

"I just told you! Physical strength and a strong connection to the Earth!"

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"It means some ponies are just really good at agriculture!"

"Well, I haven't felt any kind of super farm powers since I got here!"

“It’s just an instinct thing, Carl. You either get it or you don’t!”

Carl wasn't satisfied with such nebulous answers. “Nah, nah, nah. There must be some magic bullshit involved in here somewhere.”

Twilight could feel her energy slowly draining away with each passing question. She should have known Carl would drag this out longer than necessary.

“Well, I guess you could argue that there’s some magic involved, but they’re not using it consciously like unicorns do.”

“So, unicorns can just use their magic to control all this shit, right?”

“I don’t know, maybe, the way a unicorn’s magic develops is complicated. They can’t just do anything at any given moment.”

“So, what the fuck? If unicorns can just do all this shit themselves, then what’s the point of the other races? This place makes no goddamn sense!”

“Carl, I’m not gonna sit here and debate with you about the ethics of unicorn magic!”

“Fine! Didn’t want to learn about your gay lore. anyway...”

Twilight felt as if she had aged a hundred years trying to get through Carl’s thick head. She regretted not bringing Starlight with her, handling this cretin on her own was far more stressful than she imagined. If it wasn’t for Celestia’s orders she would have pawned him off to someone else the first chance she got.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Carl suddenly announced.

“Oh, now what?”

“What the hell are you supposed to be? You’ve got wings and a horn.”

“Really, Carl? We're doing this now?” Twilight whined, desperately wishing their conversation would end already.

“Yes, really.”

“I’m an alicorn, that’s just how we are.”

“So, you’re some kind of mutant?”

“No. I was a unicorn, but I earned my wings when I became a princess.”

“Earned them? And how do I acquire the opportunity to earn these, much coveted, Princess Wings and Horn accessories?”

“Carl, you can’t just decide if you want to become an alicorn. Your chosen.”

“Chosen? What? Did you just randomly wake up with wings one morning?”

“You know what? Yeah, that’s what happened. Now, will you please stop with the questions?”

“But, how did you-”

Twilight screamed as she fell to the ground in despair. Normally, she would be ecstatic to have a student so curious about the world, but Carl was driving her crazy and the worst part was that he wasn’t even trying this time.

“Uh, I'm not interrupting anything, am I?”

Lingering just overhead was a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane. Twilight jumped up in excitement, she finally had someone to help her keep hold of her sanity.

“Who sent in the Pride Parade?” Carl joked.

“Rainbow Dash, thank goodness you’re here!” Twilight flew up to her friend and then immediately yanked her back down to earth.

“Woah, you okay, Twilight? You look a little agitated.”

“Rainbow Dash, I’d like to introduce you to a very special pony.” She directed Dash’s attention to Carl, who wasn’t sure what was going on.

“What? Is he your boyfriend?” Dash teased.

Carl burst into a loud, mocking laughter. “Fuckin’ hell, Twiggles! You’re dating life must be atrocious if I’m the best you could do!” He continued to roll on the ground, clutching his stomach, as his laughter became physically painful.

Twilight was mortified, as if she hadn’t suffered enough embarrassment already in the past hour.

“No. Never.” She bluntly replied.

“Well, if you say so.” Dash giggled. “So, who is he?”

“He’s a being summoned here by Princess Celestia, from another world.”

“He’s a what from a what now?”

“I’ll explain the details later, I just want to focus on gathering the other girls.”

“Wait, now?”

“Yes, now, come on.”

“I can’t go now, I'm in some serious trouble and I was hoping you could help.”

“Oh, come on, Rainbow. The day isn’t even half over and I already want to go back to bed.”

“But, somepony lost a Lightning Ball.”

“WHAT!?”

Carl’s laughter finally came to a halt after he overheard Twilight’s loud exclamation. The mood suddenly shifted as Twilight's agitation quickly subsided.

“Yo, who’s this ‘Lightning Balls’ dude?” Carl asked, still wiping away his tears.

“Quiet, Carl. This is important.” Twilight coldly replied.

“Hey, fuck you!” Carl detested being ignored, especially when he was actually being semi-serious. “Hey! Rainbow pony! What’s your name?”

“Uh, Rainbow Dash.” She answered, hesitantly.

“Wow, no shit…” He muttered under his breath. “Princess Purple here is being a big, blubbering, vagina. Could you fill me in on what a Lightning Ball is?”

“Hey, wait a minute!” Twilight reacted, offended that she was brushed aside so easily.

“Shut up, Sprinkles. This is important.”

As amusing as their interactions were, Dash was starting to sense some real tension between her friend and this strange stallion. “Hey, why don’t we walk and talk. I heard the Lightning Ball drifted into the woods just outside town.”

Dash lead the way, with Carl following close behind and Twilight indignantly moping along at the back.

“So for, like, the third time, what’s this Lightning Ball thing?” Carl asked, yet again.

Dash took a minute to think about it. Technical explanations weren’t really her strong suit. “Well, a Lightning Ball is what happens when a massive amount of lightning energy builds up in a single cloud and is then condensed into a small ball.”

“Fucking, what? That's not science.”

“Er.. hold on… oh, okay. Whenever we use clouds to make it rain the clouds store up a lot of lightning energy, so whe-”

“Magic, got it.”

“Uh, well, anyway, they’re super dangerous and unstable. Tonight’s thunderstorm was scheduled so this Lightning Ball could safely release all its pent up energy.”

“So, what happens if you don’t find it?”

“Total chaos, mass destruction and frizzy manes as far as the eye can see. Those things are like ticking time bombs just waiting to go off.”

“Yeah, this is all starting to sound a little suicidal, so I’m gonna peace the fuck out here.”

Car swiveled round only to be stopped in his tracks by Twilight who immediately forced him back with her magic. “Oh, what the fuck, man?”

“Sorry, Carl.” Twilight explained. “But, the Princess told me to keep you by my side at all times, so you’re coming with us whether you like it or not.”

“Goddammit…”

The ponies crossed a bridge, leaving town. This time however, Carl was the one moping behind them. As they trekked along the path and into the grove they bumped into a familiar face, at least familiar to Carl.

“Ah, Princess Twilight. I arrived as soon as I got word.”

Twilight was confused for a second. Despite being dressed as a Royal Guard, she didn’t quite recognise the stallion, nor could she put her hoof on what his name was. “Oh, yeah… it’s you… um... You.”

“I am Unis Guardna… t-the Captain of the Royal Guard of Canterlot?”

“Oh, right! You’re the one filling in for for my brother. I completely forgot.”

“But, you were at my knighting ceremony.” Unis nervously reminded her.

“Oh, sorry, I haven’t been in Canterlot much these days. It must have slipped my mind.”

“Unis, get the fuck outta here.” Carl suddenly caught up with the rest of the group and upon eyeing Unis, instantly cheered up. “Why don’t you go back to Canterlot, you posh twat.”

“What the devil are you doing here?” The small woods just outside Ponyville was the last place he expected to reunite with this vulgar commoner again.

“Celestia sent me here, don’t ask why because I don’t fuckin’ know. But, what the hell are you doing here? Are you such a kiss ass that when Celestia told you to ‘get lost’ you took it literally?”

“For your information, Ponyville does not have it’s own Royal Guard, therefore I provide extra help whenever there is an emergency.”

Carl turned to Twilight. “You don’t even have your own Royal Guard? How embarrassing...”

“Oh, please. I don’t need one.” She answered with pride.

“Clearly not with this tard at your beck and call.”

“Uh, guys.” Dash interrupted. “The Lightning Ball is just up ahead.”

“Yes, the Lightning Ball.” Unis reiterated. “We must make haste. There is a lake nearby and if that ball makes contact with the water it could spell disaster.”

“Zuh?” Carl didn’t understand what was so important about the lake.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “You see, Carl. Water conducts electricity, which is what lightning is made of. So, if the Lightning Ball makes contact with the lake, the resulting surge of electricity could travel throughout the entire lake and across all connecting rivers throughout Equestria, potentially ravaging everything in its path.”

“Sounds rad.”

“It is most certainly not 'rad'.”

Carl opted to ignore Twilight’s scolding and instead, marched straight into the wood, with the others following close behind. He didn’t really need to know where he was going as the light from the Lightning Ball lead the way, growing brighter, the closer they got.

Soon they arrived in a small grove, bathed in the hue of a purple light. There, floating just atop a large collection of boulders was the Lightning Ball, covered in tiny thunderbolts, like a novelty plasma globe.

As predicted, behind the rocks the ball was perched on was a small lake, connected by rivers. If the Lightning Ball happened to fall in, all the creatures in all of the nearby water would surely be fried to a crisp. The thought of grilling so many fish on such a massive scale was tempting to Carl, but knowing his luck he’d probably, accidentally kill a least a hundred people in the process.

“That’s odd…” Twilight pondered. “Lightning is usually a bright yellow colour. Why is it purple?”

“I don’t know.” Dash replied. “I’ve never really seen a loose Lightning Ball before.” She suddenly gasped. “Maybe, this is what it looks like when it’s about to blow!?”

Carl had no intention of waiting around, not when there was a volatile explosive in the vicinity. “The last thing I need today is lightning bolts up my ass. Just fly up there and grab it already.”

“Right.” Dash flew straight up to the Lightning Ball. Being a pegasus her control over the weather naturally allowed her to keep hold of it, at least until she could find a cloud to store it in safely, but as soon she wrapped her hooves around it for a mere few seconds she suddenly got a whiff of smoke.

Dash quickly realised it was her own hooves that were being cooked and yelled in agony, dropping the Lightning Ball. Before it could hit the ground, Twilight caught it with her magic and gently levitated it away from anything that could set it off as Dash dunked her hooves in the lake to cool them.

“What the fuck, Dash!?” Carl berated. “You nearly killed us!”

“I’m sorry! I didn’t even know lightning could get that hot!”

“It’s fucking lightning! Of course it’s hot!”

Twilight quickly jumped to Dash's defense. “Carl, in this world, lightning is only hot when fired from a cloud. Even in this ball state, a pegasus should be able to safely carry it without too many issues… you know, barring the whole, potential explosion...”

“Oh… then what the hell happened?”

“Obviously, we got here just in time.” Unis answered. “Miss Dash, prepare a cloud as soon as possible. We need to return this to the weather factory, immediately.”

“Uh oh…” Twilight suddenly struggled as the Lightning Ball began convulsing horribly, with its surrounding thunderbolts growing more erratic and violent. “Everypony! Take cover!”

The ponies scrambled to hide behind the trees and rocks, but Carl tripped over himself. As lightning bolts began firing in all directions, Twilight was finding it more and more difficult to keep the unstable orb from escaping her grasp.

Having fallen on his face, Carl’s worse fears came true as a stray lightning bolt struck him directly on his exposed rear. “MOTHER FUCK! THAT… was... mildly irritating…”

“A little help here!” Twilight called to Unis, both of whom were hiding behind a tree.

“Y-yes, of course.” Unis covered the Lightning Ball in a grey barrier, allowing Twilight to release her spell and drag Carl behind his own tree before he was roasted alive.

Having only been containing it for a few seconds, Unis was already having issues keeping the ball’s power at bay. Rainbow Dash returned with a cloud, but with how volatile the ball had become there was no way she could get close enough to capture it without being zapped like a moth. It was firing lightning bolts in all directions ripping the ground apart with their boiling hot energy.

“Ooh, think, Twilight, think!” Twilight recited aloud, anxiously hopping in place.

“Think , Twinkle, think!” Carl urged on.

“Stop it, Carl! I’m trying to concentrate!”

Carl continued his chant, with Dash joining in. “Think, Twinkle, think! Think, Twinkle, think! Think, Twinkle, think!”

The constant heckling wasn’t doing Twilight any favours. “Shut up!”

“Hey! Yelling like an asshole isn’t going to help anyone!”

“You’re not helping anyone!”

“Well, excuse me for trying to give you a little encouragement!”

“That’s not encouragement, Carl! It’s just annoying!”

“Aw, fuck it!” Carl grew tired of Twilight's petty argument and took matters into his own hands. He jumped into the fray and was about to run over to the Lightning Ball, but Twilight attempted to drag him back. This time, however, Carl pushed himself hard to escape her spell, locking them in a tug-of-war.

“Carl, you idiot! Come back here!”

“No! You can sit around with your hooves up your ass if you want, but I'm taking action, dammit!”

“Don’t be stupid! You’ll be no use to the Princess as a charred corpse!”

“You dumb bitch, we’ll all be dead if that thing explodes! So, why does it matter!?”

“Let him go, Twilight!” Dash ordered.

“What!? Why!?”

“Anypony who can take a lightning bolt to the butt like he did must be pretty resilient. I think he can handle it.”

“Dash, I’m not sure that’s sound reasoning, it was probably just a fluke.”

“Well, I’m feeling lucky.”

Twilight wasn’t sure, but Dash had a lot more experience with handling weather phenomenon than she did, so perhaps there was a chance.

“Alright, you better not screw this up, Carl!”

Carl ran underneath the Lightning Ball, which at this point looked like a disco ball that was about to burst, standing on his hind legs ready for the drop.

“Unis!” Twilight called. “Drop the ball!”

“Unis Gardna never drops the ball!”

“No, I meant that literally! Drop the Lightning Ball!”

“But, that commoner will be vaporised!”

“Trust me, he’ll be okay.”

“If you say so, Princess.”

The barrier around the Lightning Ball was lifted and it fell directly into Carl’s hooves. It stung slightly, but it seemed, Dash’s hunch was right. The Lightning Ball calmed down as Carl kept it tightly grasped between his hooves.

“Yo, we did it boys! I guess my ball handling skills extend to more than just my own.”

Just as Carl was in the midst of celebrating, he immediately started to lose balance, as he remembered that ponies weren’t very good at standing on their hind legs. Luckily, before he hit the ground, Twilight caught him with her magic, preventing him from accidentally nuking the entire forest.

“Unbelievable...” Unis was at a loss for words. He could barely keep the Lightning Ball’s power under control and yet, Carl was holding it like it was nothing.

“Check it out, Unis!” Carl called as Twilight levitated him closer. “I did your job for ya!”

“But, that’s impossible.”

“You’re impossible.”

“What? No, I mean that’s literally impossible. How can a common Earth pony handle that ball with such little effort?”

“Oh please, you're looking at a seasoned veteran when it comes to ball handling....
....
....
...no, wait.”

“This isn't a joke, you twit. One mistake and we could have all been incinerated.”

“Hey, any more lip out of you and I’ll slam dunk this fucking thing right into your face.”

Unis was about to argue over the obvious flaws of such a threat, but was interrupted by Twilight. “Don’t listen to him, Unis, just leave while you still have your sanity. We can take it from here.”

Having realised he was playing right into Carl’s hooves, Unis took his leave, he had more important things to do than take any more abuse from a lowly commoner. Before he left though, Carl gave him one last holler. Unis turned around and Carl childishly blew a raspberry at him, just for laughs. Unis left with a humiliated scowl.

"Dumb bastard." As Carl laughed to himself over another job well done, he was suddenly overcome by a purple mist. “Agh! What the fuck!? Twinkie, get your magic out of my face!”

“I’m not doing anything, Carl!” Twilight contested.

The purple mist faded as quickly as it appeared and upon doing so, the Lightning Ball in Carl’s hooves returned to it’s natural, bright yellow colour. It was also burning hot. “Ow, ow, OW! Holy shit! What’s happening!?”

Before Carl reduced the entire area to a smoldering crater, Rainbow Dash swooped in and shoved the ball into a cloud where it was kept safely out of harm’s way.

With the threat of the Lightning Ball safely dealt with, Twilight no longer needed to keep Carl suspended and promptly dropped him out of the air. Normally, that would have angered him, but Carl was preoccupied with making a mad dash for the lake to cool off his poor, smoking hooves.

“Crisis averted.” Twilight sighed with relief.

“Just barely!” Dash replied.

“It’s weird, though. Lightning Balls don’t usually wander off on their own like that. I wonder what happened?”

“Eh, somepony probably zoned out and left it somewhere while transporting it, stuff happens...”

“Right…”

“Still, Carl was pretty cool, though, but I can’t tell if that pony’s brave or just stupid.”

Twilight looked over at Carl, who was still bending down into the lake, cooling his hooves. She stifled a laugh as she noticed the humorously placed burn mark he received earlier. “Well, I definitely don't think 'brave' would be an appropriate description for him.”

The fight may have been over for now, but the scars of battle remained, or in this case a black smudge on Carl’s right buttcheek.

Author's Note:

Don't mine me, just pulling random lore out of my ass. Seriously, ball lightning is a real weather phenomenon if you want to look it up.

Next time: Lot's of food talk.