Silver Streak was an older stallion. His bones creaked and groaned so he moved slowly, and with purpose. His mane, once a dark black color was now a mottled grey, filled with light grey and white streaks. He had wings which Luna hadn’t noticed before and their feathers were similarly speckled with lighter shades. His coat was navy blue, but it seemed a bit more washed out then it did under his uniform, and it only seemed lighter next to his vibrant scarf.
Luna took all this in as she followed him quietly down the hall. Silver glanced at her every once in a while and she’d avert her eyes as to not meet them. Still, every once in a while their eyes would meet and she’d see the soft stillness in them.
“First on our agenda is to get you ready for the day.” He said matter of factly as they entered a powder room at the end of the hall.
Luna didn’t speak, she didn’t have much of a choice and though she grumbled under her breath she was thankful that he wasn’t taunting her. Instead she just took the time to look over the room.
All around her the room was pastel pink. Lace lined every soft surf, and the moulding was an elegant and detailed gold color. There was a sink and a bath, and a chest of drawers with a mattress, but no toilet. Luna sighed. She’d expected as much and yet she still found herself disappointed.
Silver smiled at her and Luna only noticed once she lowered her eyes. She immediately felt shy, and slightly embarrassed.
“Well let’s get you all prepared, your sister might have the magic to do this in a heartbeat but I don’t so it might take us a moment.” He explained as he started to rifle through the drawers of the chest.
Luna peered over his shoulder curiously, but kept her distance as best as she could. She was beginning to feel nervous but she held it back, silver seemed nice and she didn’t want to make him feel unappreciated.
The Pegasus pony pulled out two small piles and set them on the dresser. Luna tried to peek over but could only identify the colors in each of the piles, one primarily navy, one primarily Periwinkle. She then looked at him, slightly confused.
“You get to choose what you’re wearing today” Silver said with a smile. This surprised Luna and she found herself with wide eyes listening closely. Was this a trick? She gave a nod to let him know she understood.
The older stallion continued, still keeping a calm but positive attitude. “I have two outfits for you, one school uniform and one sundress. In either scenario you’ll look as cute as a button but whichever you choose will dictate our activities and the expectations I have for you”
Luna paused. Change your expectations? She thought while trying to make up her mind. If she chose the uniform she’d look less childish but it would make it more obvious that she was diapered. If she chose the dress her diapers would be more inconspicuous, but she’d look like a big filly anyway. She wanted to growl with frustration but had to admit even a little bit that she appreciated Silver letting her choose.
“I’d like to wear the uniform.” She finally said, her voice low, not happy, but not as frustrated as she’d have been without a choice.
“Wonderful darling.” He said with a warm, grandfatherly smile. “As we get ready, I’m going to be giving you today’s rules so please listen closely” Silver explained, putting away the sundress pile and spreading out the uniform.
Luna stayed still and nodded. She didn’t feel particularly like talking, both because she still felt embarrassed about the whole scenario and because she didn’t know what she’d say if she wasn’t.
“The first rule I’m sure Celestia already told you. You’re in my care so you will be obeying me as if I had the same power granted to her.” Silver walked over to her and started to pull at he onesie.
Luna froze in humiliation. She knew it but it hadn’t registered with her that she’d have to actually be dressed and undressed by the stallion. She cooperated but turned her head away with rosy cheeks. This didn’t seem to phase the older pony and he continued undressing her, leaving her chilled with only her clean diaper on.
“The next rule is that you are expected to behave yourself like a proper young lady. No flailing, no running, as if you were back in etiquette school.” He said with a nod. Before redressing her he paused and asked, “do you need to potty Little one? Now’s your chance while I have the best time to clean you up.” He prompted with a knowing glance.
Luna looked down and felt the slight nagging of her bowels and bladder. She hadn’t gone this morning and she knew if she didn’t go now it wouldn’t be long before she had to. Weighing the options in her mind she considered telling him no. She hated having to use her diapers with an audience, though she did concede it was worse to have to stay icky. Luna sheepishly nodded to her escort and to her relief he smiled and went to leave. “When you’re done knock and I’ll come back in” he said exiting with a flick of his ears.
Luna sat in the powder room alone for the first time since she returned. The idea of escape briefly flashed through her mind but it didn’t last long. It was irrational and she knew deep down that it’d be pointless. Instead she focused on performing her duties, straining against her potty training.
When Silver finally heard a knock at the door he smiled, and entered the room. Luna stood with her legs as far apart as they’d go while still supporting her standing. He barely stifled a laugh; she looked like a toddler after they’d been naughty. He saw her grimace and unhappy face, and his humor left him.
“Lay down little one and I’ll get you all cleaned up.” He said trying to sound as understanding as he felt.
Luna obeyed reluctantly, feeling her mess squishing onto her flanks. Once again the feeling wasn’t entirely unpleasant, but it reminded her of her predicament and so she was determined to hate it.
Silver came over quickly, and with a surprisingly skilled hoof, had Luna cleaned up in a heartbeat. Luna kept her eyes averted, shame over her rosy cheeks. When he’d finished, Silver began to rediaper her in a diaper with a pastel blue cover marked by her cutie mark on the rump.
“The third rule for you today is that you may only call me Papa, grandpa, or sir” he said with a grin, helping her off the ground. When Luna looked at him surprised, he added “that rule was mine”
As he helped her into the skirt and dress shirt she got a better look at them.
“All your other rules still apply, but feel free to tell me anything you may need. Rather than a foal, you’re going to be my little filly” he said smiling.
She listened halfheartedly as she examined the clothing as it was put on her. She was dressed in a light blue dress shirt with a few ruffles, and a short plaid navy blue skirt which showed off her diaper quite obviously. Each garment she tested wouldn’t budge, having had the same enchantment on it as before. She pouted, but internally she was glad to be out of the stiflingly warm onesies.
With a new diaper and her outfit snugly on, Silver led Luna out of the powder room and into the hallway where she felt immediately more self conscious. It was very quiet and her clothing brushed and rustled feeling like the loudest thing in the room. There weren’t many other ponies but the few that there were stared at her, and she looked to her hooves.
Silver, to his credit seemed to act like nothing was amiss. He took her wing gently in his and held her to him like many Pegasai do to their small fillies to keep them from wandering. Their hoofsteps echoed through the marble hall and Luna shrank into Silver, trying to make herself less conspicuous and earning a barely audible, ‘awe’ from Silver.
The pair did pass the occasional guard, most of which did their best to ignore her, especially with Silver holding a generally high rank. The maids and other maintenance workers however didn’t stay quiet. Most of them stared or giggled, and a few of them made mocking comments to her, though after a glare from Silver they were quickly silenced.
By the time they’d come to their intended destination, Luna felt tiny and horribly humiliated. In the room, which was completely devoid of other ponies, sat a table which had already been prepared with breakfast.
Luna lifted her head when they entered the room which she’d firmly fixed downward during their walk. Seeing they were alone she let out a sigh of relief and the tears she’d been holding back began to drip down her cheeks. At first, Silver didn’t seem to notice as he brought her to the table. When she made eye contact with him though, his heart broke and he sat next to her, drying her eyes the best he could.
“Oh sweet little one, what’s wrong?” He asked softly, his eyes showing his concern for her wellbeing.
Luna opened her mouth to speak but the words weren’t coming to her, so she just hugged him. Surprised, Silver paused before hugging her back and humming softly. It took her a few minutes to calm down again but when she had, the words came easier.
“I’m sorry Sil-....Papa..” she said softly. “I’m so sorry...” she said, voice slightly whiny.
“Oh sunshine...” he said giving her another soft hug, “what are you sorry for? You’ve been so good all morning”
Luna looked at him, face wet. “I-I’m sorry that I did all those things, that I hurt my subjects...” she said voice choked and small, as she buried her head in his neck
Silver’s shoulders softened and he pet her mane. “Lulu, you’re not in trouble sweetheart, this isn’t a punishment” he told her reassuringly. “Your sister wants you to be able to relax, to be able to feel loved again. Not to continue punishing you for what happened a thousand years ago.”
“Then why did she choose this? Why do those other ponies tease me and make fun if it’s about love?!” Luna shouted, her voice filled with pain and defeat. The fear and frustration from her nightmares boiling over with all that had happened in the last few days.
Silver stopped for a moment, then pulled back to look into Luna’s teary eyes. “I’m sorry that your sister didn’t properly brief them. I’ll make sure to have a word with the staff. As to why she chose this, I can’t say for sure, but I suspect it has to do with your vulnerability after your return, and her desire to fix and redo what she’d missed the first time around” he said softly. He took her cheeks in his hooves and kissed the top of her head. “She loves you, just know that. Now, let’s eat.” He said with a nod towards the table.
Luna met his eyes and slowly calmed down again. What he’d said made some sense, and as much as she wasn’t sure she believed him, she was relieved to hear that he’d be there to help her. Luna followed Silver’s gaze and moved to the table where a plate of sandwiches sat. Luna had gotten up later than expected, and it was more like lunchtime than breakfast.
Luna’s chair was much shorter than normal but also had a couple phonebooks so when she sat down she was level with the table and her plate, which had a small PBJ sandwich cut up into quarters, and a sippycup full of milk. Silver sat next to her and had his own sandwich, tuna, and some juice.
“Do you need any help love bug?” He asked softly, and Luna shook her head. She appreciated the nicknames, feeling both appreciated and also less self conscious even though it wasn’t exactly what she preferred. She ate quietly, but drinking was strange without her magic to help, and she struggled to keep a grip of the hard plastic.
Without prompting, Silver lent a wing to help steady the sippy cup, as he continued to eat his own food.
Lunch went quickly and after they were done Silver led Luna back out into the hallway. Luna felt worried again but it seemed like the halls were even more empty than before, only one or two patrolling officers passed and they didn’t pay any mind to the two of them.
Luna looked at Silver again after the second guarded passed silently, and asked in a quiet voice, “What are we doing today Papa?”
Silver paused, “If you’re patient you’ll see” he said with a grin.
Celestia finished the last of her letters and sighed. Today was looking like a full day and she wasn’t pleased. She was thankful that Luna was willing to cooperate and didn’t force her to bring her along. She did feel worried though; with the nightmare and the insecurities she hoped that Luna would be alright.
Gathering her folders and paperwork, Celestia headed out of her room and through the halls on the way to her first scheduled meeting. Though her hoofsteps echoed on the tile she could still hear the gossiping voices of her maids resting around the corner. She intended just to pass by, when she heard the word ‘Luna’ pass from the lips of one of the mares, she slowed, listening in, her heart again filled with concern. Had luna made a fuss? Caused a problem? Had she forced Silver to make a scene?
“I can’t believe she was let off just like that” the first pony said incredulously.
Another voice joined in, “Yeah, it’s a shame the only ponies who can escort her are the guards. I’d give that flank a nice hard paddling for all the horrors she amassed.”
The first pony continued, voice filled with a gross malice and twisted glee at her own cruelty. “A paddling would be nothing, I’d make her sit in her filth and get a nice big rash like the filly she is and then paddle the living daylights out of-“
Celestia had had enough. Before the other mare could finish her cruel sentiment, she came around the corner with fury alight in her eyes. “You two come with me.” She ordered as she walked to a nearby meeting room. She had time to spare before she needed to make her meeting, and this needed to be dealt with.
The two mares’s breaths caught in their throat and they followed obediently, expecting to be chastised for slacking off.
When the doors closed and all three were in the meeting room, Celestia looked at them coldly. They shrunk down, ready for a verbal beating.
“I was very clear about what I said before Luna was to return, that this does not involve you. Since you two seem to think that you’re above my request, I’m going to make it an order and clarify a few things for you.” She began, her voice as smooth as silk but as dark as night. “Luna is not being punished. I would never spank her unless she were being directly insubordinate, and I would never knowingly allow her to get a rash. She is behaving exactly as has been requested of her, not as a punishment but as a reform. She’s had plenty of trauma and needs love and support. Since you were so tactless as to allow me to hear you, I don’t doubt Luna did as well. I want you to share this next message with every other member of the staff. If I so much as think that you’ve continued this inconsiderate, hurtful, and inaccurate gossip, I’ll have you both fired” she said her voice more passionate than it had been in years.
The two maids shook in front of her, fear holding them in place. Losing their jobs was not an option.
“Do I make myself unspeakably clear?”
Both ponies nodded vigorously.
“Then go and do as your told.”
Both mares bolted as fast as their hooves could carry them out of the room. They said nothing, but Celestia knew her point had been made. Now she only hoped with a heavy heart that Luna wasn’t too upset.
I personally don't see how this fits with Celestia's character at all. The only thing this kind of punishment would cause, because of the traumatizing affects that it's having on Luna, would only cause Nightmare Moon to reform. This is not in character for Celestia. After the first day, and seeing the effects that everything was having on Luna, it should have been stopped. Period, This is borderline abusive, and doesn't fit. There is no "love" there as your claiming. Forcing someone that clearly doesn't enjoy something to do do that is not love, intentionally humiliating someone to the extent that it is giving Luna nightmares is not love. That's Tyrannical. There's no other way you can spin that. Celestia hasn't done anything to show Luna any love during the day, only to humiliate her and disgrace her by bringing her in front of diplomats in this state. That's not love, and I can't see how realistically, Luna could do anything other than hate Celestia after this.
And for the record, This isn't a review based on the tags of the story. I have read all 8 chapters so far, and I'm personally into a lot of the things that in the story, but there's a line when public humiliation becomes torture, and this has crossed it.
You should have parts where Luna messes up on her own accord. It would draw a lot of hate away from Celestia. Maybe have Celestia give Luna very clear instructions that if she follows them will not result in any humiliation when she's out in public. But Luna is too rebellious and/or whiny and does them.
9092457
I agree, I think I’m going to try and add that in, it’s a good idea!
9092534
Indeed and also don't be too afraid to have Luna do very foolish things. After all Luna being foolish and immature here would help as it would verify Celestia's decision that Luna is just a little filly. They are going to be rulers after all so Luna should be levelheaded and mature.
Of course don't go too far and make Luna make completely nonsensical things. Remember that Luna should feel she has something to gain from it even if it's extremely petty or extremely short-term. Like sticking it to her sister to prove she isn't her slave or something.
9092433
I thank you for your feedback, and I agree that this is not generally within Celestia’s character. That’s also why it’s tagged as AU.
I appreciate that you took the time to read the story all the way through, however there’s also a part of me that is frustrated in general. You are not the first person to dislike that Celestia is out of character, but if we’re being honest the entire premise of Celestia diapering Luna is out of character in the first place. There are some liberties that must be taken in order for the story to make sense.
I would still appreciate feedback from you because I’m not intentionally writing her out of character. Do you have any specific things that could be improved or areas that don’t make sense?
On another note, I’d like to clarify that she is NOT having nightmares because of this particular treatment, they are a residue of her trauma and neglect on the moon, and her manifestation of guilt. I’m sure that’s not very clear, though I’ve tried to make it more obvious so if you see where I could fix that, let me know!
All in all, I appreciate your comment even though it wasn’t the reaction I was looking for :3
9092545
Celestia has a core character that you should adhere to. You can stretch it but Celestia always has the best of intentions and wants to do right for everyone under her care. She does like to prank others but never at serious cost to those under her care.
You should make that more clear that Celestia only has the best of intentions for her little sister. While she is not flawless and not immune to somewhat excessive embarrassment she wouldn't torture Luna.
9092629
I agree with you, and I intend to do another once over on this to make it more cohesive. What instances do you see which you consider torture?
The only things that particularly come to mind are when she accidentally caused Luna to have a rash because she refused to ask for a change. Otherwise I’m not sure which things are an issue. Maybe I just need to reread it from the top :/
9092780
Maybe torture wasn't the correct term. But maybe have more showing of Celestia looking out for her little sister. Like when she is made to play in the throne room. You could have it that the nobles believe that Luna is temporarily a foal because of her banishment but that Luna then ruins that.
Also that Nightmare of Luna does give the impression that she believes Celestia is torturing her. It means Luna doesn't trust Celestia. Maybe you should instead have it that Luna has a nightmare about remaining a foal forever or a more extreme version of the humiliation she suffered at the throne room.
The thing here though is that you have to prove that Celestia isn't torturing Luna because Luna does go through a lot of suffering and that is because Celestia decided to diaper her.
Like I said think about Celestia's core character. Just how exactly is she expecting this to help Luna? Celestia wouldn't just do something like this willy nilly she would have a plan.
Okay. But Celestia*s talk with staff dont change anything,they still dont like Luna.
9092807
No, but at least Celestia tried.
9092780
This is just headcannon but I view Celestia's greatest strength and weaknesses as being her planning ability. She can make very clever and extremely well thought out plans and execute them quite well. However not unlike her student she has a tendency to overthink things and make the plans overly complicated and also really weird.
9092874
Reading both comments I agree, though I’d like to find a way to convey the message I’m trying to accomplish. The intent of the nightmare is to exemplify Luna’s Emotional trauma from being deserted on the moon for something she didn’t entirely control. For example the first nightmare was her fear that Celestia would change her mind about the diapers and decide to legit torture her out of her own guilt and upset, and the second was the fear that Celestia would leave her alone again and she’d be alone forever.
9092985
Well it's quite confusing to have those nightmares happen back to back like that. Maybe the nightmare about being alone on the moon could be before she is diapered.
Also Luna fearing Celestia's torture does give legitimacy to Celestia mistreating her. After all apparently Celestia does give off that impression to Luna. I think you should just ditch that entirely. Maybe instead you could have perhaps Nightmare Moon take over again or something like that. Or it could instead of being a dream be a thought that Luna has.
909299
Firstly, there really isn’t a point where Luna would have the opportunity to have a nightmare before she’s diapered, and doing so would be weird with the pacing, and wouldn’t make sense in the long term.
Secondly, there’s a difference between everyday fear and nightmares. Having a nightmare about being tortured doesn’t mean she thinks Celestia would actually do something like that, in the same way that if I had a nightmare about my stepdad murdering my mom (irl nightmare) I don’t actually think my stepdad would do that. I tried to make this more obvious by adding the after care with Celestia and their room sharing buthlet me know if there’s another way I could improve that.
Finally I went over chapter one and modified the tone would you glance over it and see if I made an improvement?
9092545
Celestia diapering Luna isn't entirely out of character for her, but forcing it in her like she is would be. Perhaps the next nightmare scene could end positively, turning the nightmare into a happy dream with Celestia's help. If Celestia was doing Luna's tasks for a thousand years then Celestia would know how to dreamwalk. Perhaps the next nightmare she helps Luna fight it off. Right now the way they read, it can easily be taken that they are a direct cause of the treatment she is being given.
An easy way to fix the issue of being in character is to simply stop forcing Luna to attend diplomatic meetings. Because that's going to permanently scar Luna, and also make it to where in the event that something happens to Celestia, and Luna has to take over. No one will take her seriously, and that alone would put Equestria itself in danger. Likewise, increasingly humiliating her at every second will also put Celestia in turmoil. Because there will come a point where Luna has had enough, and will react violently, which would either end with Celestia being forced to banish her again, or worse, since she needed the elements to banish her before.
Around the castle and in public is one thing. The diplomatic thing should never occur because even Celestia would know that could have disastrous consequences. Like I said, I'm all for public humiliation, but from what I've read, at the moment this is public torture, simple from how Celestia is behaving.
Another thing that would help is to show Celestia actually spending time with Luna. Right now the only thing she's done is force her in public, and seriously damage her psyche. She has only shown Luna reasons to fear her, which again goes back to the nightmares. Other than those, Celestia has made no attempt to comfort Luna at all, or be the sister to help her reform, which was the entire reason for her doing this to begin with. Realistically, Celestia should have canceled those meeting so she could be with her sister and hell the reform process. The only thing she's done right now. Is help nightmare moon reform. Because of she keeps acting like this, that will happen
9093013
Also, this is very inaccurate. ALL nightmares are rooted in fear. Even the show touched on this. Many times. The subconscious fears are much, much more powerful than every day fears. These are the fears that every nightmare is built around. Celestia seeing this, would be very, very important. To make her see that maybe not what she's doing is wrong, but the way she's doing it is.
9093143
I don't think Celestia can dreamwalk. Luna even literally stated this in "do princesses dream of magical sheep" It's a useful ability but not quite a critical one.
I think it's more important that Celestia has a plan and that it's obvious she has the best intentions.
One idea could be that Luna wants to attend the meeting to not be treated like a foal but Celestia says 'no'. Luna sneaks out and goes anyway and that's when she faces the humiliation.
9093353
I remembered Celestia mentioning though earlier in the series that she had to do everything in Luna's absence, which would have included monitor the dream world, and magic mystery cure proves that Celestia can at least enter that space.
Something that I thought about at work though in relation to the story. The line, "this is the only was my subjects would let you return," should be omitted and reworked. This makes it sound even more that Celestia is not doing this for Luna's benefit and has little regard for how her own family actually feels. That's one of the many straws that leaf tho the creation of nightmare moon to begin with. That one line puts the entire story in a negative light, because everything is because Celestia wants to maintain an image, not reform her sister, and only adds to the torture aspect aforementioned. Celestia is the ruler of Equestria. Her subjects can't make her do anything, especially regarding her own family. So by saying this is what her subjects want her to do, only makes it worse.
Because I am being a bit critical on this, I also want to add that the story itself, on a fundamental level, is well written. So please don't take this as discouragement because the skill is there. However, the emotion and tone of the piece needs work. The emotions and the tone that you're saying that you want, and the tone and emotions that you are setting in the story, are the exact opposite of each other.
9093435
That line actually does hint that Celestia is doing it for Luna's own good. After all if Luna wants to live in equestria she is going to have to be accepted by the population of equestria.
Celestia might be ruler but she doesn't have absolute power over her people. If the population refuses to accept Luna there is not much she can do. She can force her sister on them but that means Luna will face resentment and hostility at every turn and will be very unhappy.
I actually think that line is a really good one and there need to be more like it.
9093442
I disagree, if you tell me that you're doing something you me because someone else, that has no real authority over you told you to. I'm going to take it that thou don't care about me enough to stand your ground
9093143
Wait wait wait, I can agree with you on the diplomacy, and as you can see in chapter 8 she tells Luna exactly that, that she’d rather Luna do something else if possible.
She’s only gone to one meeting, and again it has been explicitly stated that she’d rather avoid doing it in the future, and certainly never as a regular occurrence.
I like the dream walking idea, and with two incidents it would make sense for Celestia to intentionally take action to prevent more of them in the future. It wouldnve been impossible to predict the first, and not immediately assumed about the second, but after two back to back nightmares, Celestia would certainly be there.
You say there’s been no signs of affection but that’s where I’m hung up. Either you’re so caught up in being angry with this story to notice, or you didn’t read it. Now that’s not to say that Celestia’s dropped everything, but if we’re talking realism like you mentioned and true to character, it would be extremely irresponsible of a political leader to drop all meetings and functions to stay with her sister. For a normal pony maybe but the leader of Equestria doesn’t have that kind of available flexibility.
In BOTH instances of nightmares Celestia was attentive enough to come to Luna’s room immediately and give her immediate consolation. She was there for her and didn’t press her which might have caused more problems. In an especially poignant moment when Celestia spanked her I was very intentional about adding the moment of after care between them. Even more so the entire chapter of to build a fort is intended to show Celestia reaching out.
This story is NOT headed towards Nightmare Moon. Nightmare moon was created through jealousy, envy, and bitterness. That is not what is happening here.
Also while doing additional research I’d like to add that yes nightmares are based in real fears, but not based in reality. In Luna’s first nightmare she fears that Celestia is still mad at her and fears that she would change her mind. This isn’t a rational extrapolation of what is happening and there is little if any physical aggression, and no physical threats to her to make her feel this way. It is a mix of fear and guilt. In the second nightmare she fears being abandoned again, which is an extension of her emotions while stranded on the Moon. This is entirely within the realm of possibility but remember dream Celestia does not reflect real Celestia. Plenty of people dream that their spouse cheated on them because deep down we all fear that it may one day happen, however that dream doesn’t imply that the person you’re with is was or would ever be unfaithful
I really appreciate your feedback what did you think of the chapter One edit?
9093450
You're overlooking 1 very important detail. Luna is a princess and will have to become a ruler again. She has to be accepted by the nation. She can't just remain hidden in the castle with only Celestia accepting her. If Celestia didn't find a way to make the population of equestria accept Luna she will become isolated and fall into depression again. Likely causing the whole Nightmare Moon disaster to happen again.
9093435
I agree, the early chapters need to be reworked
9093440
I totally understand, and I genuinely appreciate your criticism. It’s been super constructive and generally worded with a pleasant tone, and I appreciate it! Especially since you’ve been so willing to talk with me in these issues and help me improve.
9093456
No, she's only been to one foreign meeting. Chapter two very explicitly has Celestia pointing out every diplomat in the throne room after Luna's forced to sit through it messy.
And I have read the chapters, that's why I also specifically stated that with the exception of the nightmares, Celestia's only done things to humiliate her. The throne room, the prince, the very public spanking in the kitchen. Chapter 8 as the first time that Celestia stood up for Luna. And I'll agree, she needs to be accepted again, but even Celestia would know that there's a time and place.
For this to work, there needs tho be a lot more relationship building between the two sisters, something outside of the nightmare that show Celestia cares.
9093525
I feel having Luna in isolation is a real burden and not something Celestia can really handle. I do agree though that Celestia should stand up for Luna more. Celestia is her caretaker so what happens to Luna is her responsibility and when she suffers it's going to be because she deserved it.
9093552
She very well could be hard for Celestia to handle, but the fact that Celestia would be trying would make Luna trust her more, and be now succumbing to the situation. The fact that Luna is hard to hand, but Celestia still does would go a long way in establishing the relationship. Like maybe the next night, Celestia tables the rest of her schedule for the next day and just spends the time trying tp cater to Luna the best she can within the guidelines that she set. Maybe they play a game, or something that shows that while she feels she still needs to be strict with the reform, she's still her sister and is willing to dedicate time to that as well.
9093592
My apologies, I totally forgot about chapter two. Although it needs to be revised so I’ll make sure to edit it to properly portray the characters that I’ve intended.
The kitchen is not particularly public, at least in this they were all but completely alone.
You recommend having an opportunity for them to play a game and that was the largest intention for to build a fort. What did you think of that chapter? Does it do what you’re looking for or is it falling flat? How can I help that?
In terms of timeline, though it is chapter 8 where Celestia defends Luna, it is only after two days of her being in the castle. This is not really that long, especially since it is implied in multiple other occasions that Celestia had a lot of this pre-planned and orchestrated. The guard though uncomfortable in chapter 2/3 were cooperative and not intentionally rude to Luna (again though I need to do major revisions there in order to get the tone right). It took her two days to catch someone speaking poorly, and when she caught them, vengeance was swift and harsh
9093592
Yeah, I think that is a good idea. I think it would be better though if she only manages to create a single tiny hole to spend a few hours with Luna. It would reinforce how busy she really is.
That time would not be in contrast to her strictness but be a part of it.
Sorry, in at work and we got super busy. I'll have to give more feedback when I get home and look over that chapter again.
If you'd like, I can go over each chapter with a fine tooth comb and give a full critique of the story. That though would be through pm's and may take a bit.
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If that’s something you’d be willing to do, I’m all for it! I’d like to hop on my laptop at home to revise them but yeah :3 legit I really appreciate your help, do you have an OC? I’d like to draw them for ya as a token of my gratitude.
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I would be more than willing to. I just can't promise that they will be fast. Downside of having two full time jobs and only getting paid for one. (being a musician doesn't pay well until music starts taking off.)
That being said, looking over To build a Fort,
""This punishment wasn’t for her, it was for Luna’s well-being and the ponies of Equestria."
Again, I really don't like this. It contradicts the end goal in my opinion. The base thought of a ruler being forced to do something by her populace against her own family so rash and her being okay with it still sets a negative tone.
and the realization of Luna earlier in the chapter felt really forced, and out of place. It doesn't really fit the way Luna's been portrayed up to this point in the story. Honestly the reflection of everything and the realization that Celestia isn't trying to make her completely miserable would fit better realistically in a later chapter, but not here. At this point in the story, she's got no reason to cooperate other than, "I'm forcing you to do this and there is absolutely nothing that you can do about it because I Love you". I know you said that this is not a nightmare moon fic. That she and that she was created out of jealosy, envy, and bitterness and won't return... But if we stay true to Luna's character, then way that she's been treated up to this point is creating bitterness, anger, and hate. Something that very well could remake the nightmare, or worse.
The Outburst at the beginning of this chapter, being true to character, is a great example of that. Luna needs something heavy to push her and let her know that this is out of Love. Even the movie itself was humiliating because she simply couldn't just pick a movie, a movie that was known to be "g" rated, without jumping through a bunch of hooves, and Celestia forcing her to use a bottle when it's just the two of them or go thirsty is also a bit much. There is no reason, realistically here why Celestia can't let Luna retain at least some of her dignity, and would also further reinforce the fact that she's trying to do this for Luna's benefit and not her own.
It would be at this point that I would introduce the realization scene. perhaps tweaked to fit the scenario, but it would make much more sense here, after something like this, Not after being completely humiliated on the way back from a foreign dignitary and being talked down upon. Perhaps Celestia could look to make it more of a game for Luna as well. Like say, if she's good for so many days, she gets a "free" day where she gets to be an adult, or better, give her the option to "progress". It would work as a compromise with Luna, and give her a goal to obtain. Something that can allow Celestia to still continue the reform that she feels is needed, but make it at least enjoyable for Luna. I'll agree some instances of humiliation should be there, and I agree with marinus on this, the humiliation should be self-induced, not forced.
AS far as the self-conscious scene from Celestia's point of view I also agree with marinus. The way it reads, it looks like that one line alone is causing the reflection. The reflection here is very important, so it's definitely something that has to stay, but add a bit more to it. Perhaps show her reflecting a bit more on the first two diplomatic meetings and think about the real mental affects that it could be having on Luna. I would also have Celestia, perhaps as an in between movie scene, really sit down and talk to Luna. Explain to her the severity of the situation at hand and what she's trying to do to make everything better.
Yes, Celestia mentioned this at the very beginning of the first chapter, but I think in this situation, where Luna is at least starting to feel a bit comfortable, rational, and a lot more willing to listen, would go a very long way to breaking the barriers that is currently there. If you absolutely want to go with the, "I'm doing this because I absolutely have no other choice," aspect with Celestia, then Celestia should be doing absolutely everything possible, within these first two days to make sure that Luna understands that. Silver hits on this in chapter 8, but this is something that Luna really needs to hear from Celestia herself.
This could also be something that comes up in the next chapter, after Celestia openly hears the guards talking negatively about Luna, and then Silver relaying that more are doing so. There should be a bit more reflection at this point, and if not in to Build a Fort, this is definitely where a compromise would need to be made, because once Celestia hears that, she now would know that Luna is being hurt by this.
Also, yes, I do have an OC, her name is... Go figure, Ice Storm, and she is the mare that's shown in my avatar. Although that picture of her is very, very outdated. I can get you a better reference if you would prefer?
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Wow! Thank you for a thorough response! I’ve just gone over the last 4 chapters but still couldn’t find the instance with other diplomats. Are you referring to when Celestia was pointing out the empty rooms USED by the diplomats during the tour?
I’m going to be revising the rest tonight, and I’m eager to put your guys’s suggestions to the test. I want to develop this story into something that most people can enjoy and the feedback is stupendous!
I’d love to get your best ref, that way it’s the most accurate I can get it.
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On another note, Luna wasn’t forced to go to a diplomatic meeting, she was given the choice to go to the meeting or go to daycare. Granted, daycare wouldn’t be ideal but she did have a choice there.
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My apologies, after looking the chapter over, which would have been chapter three, not two, so I was misremembering that as well, I somehow combined the trip to the courtroom and the tour as one memory. So you can disregard my statements about the extra diplomat meetings. I sincerely thought there was two instances because my mine was playing tricks on me.
And I'll send the ref via PM.
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No biggie, I couldn’t remember either so it works! I’m working on the edit for the art of diplomacy.
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Let me know when the edit is complete. Since its an edit, not a new chapter, out won't notify me.
Also, because of the pleasantness of the recent conversations and the ongoing edits, I have removed my downvote from the story. It is highly unusual to find such pleasantness on the internet these days.
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I really appreciate that, and I’m glad that you find this exchange positive, I’m not always good at reading people’s opinions via text so I was hoping that was the case. I’ll probably have the next edits done within the next few days so I’ll be sure to send ya a message when everything is revised.
Once again thank you or the feedback, I can’t say how helpful it has been to get some constructive criticism to improve my writing skills!
Sorry I took so long to read the new chapter and to respond. First off I love this chapter however I think those maids deserved to be made in to foals for how they were acting. Second I know how you feel about getting new dislikes with every new chapter I have a story on here and because somepony do a extremely mean rage review it is highly disliked. However I continue to work on it for those who do like it and I recommend that if you ever get down that you think about those who love the story.
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Thank you for the kind words. I understand the desire to foal-ize the maids except tha would then show Luna that her treatment was being used as a punishment, which would contradict what she said earlier about reform.
Luna is being re-raised and loved, those maids would not.
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True
Luna has been a bit too well behaved as of late. Kids get into trouble and you did establish that Celestia is very strict and won't hesitate to spank Luna when she deems it appropriate.
Also I would think Celestia wouldn't just lose her top like this but be more firm in ordering them to mind their own business in how she treats Luna.
If I was Celestia I would of gave those maids &, or staff members a taste of their own medicine. I would’ve spanked them until they couldn’t sit. Then I would’ve of also made them wear a diaper & get diaper rash. It’s only fair considering they think it is funny &, or okay to due this to someone else. You can call this karma. I wouldn’t have any sympathy for them & last but not least, if they didn’t like their jobs or felt they couldn’t do it then I would tell them to quit. I mean they should of learned this in either primary or grade school. I mean the way they described what they would do & how they would do it is a form of bullying. Its just cruel & unwanted.