A Lesson from the Past

by Midknight Defender

A stormy afternoon

"The chefs were fighting over what?" Twilight cleaned out an ear with a hoof and rotated it to face Spike.

"Apparently, somepony forgot to pass the word to reduce cake production. Kitchen 3 was still baking all-out, all night. When pantry 66 filled up, they didn't know what to do with the extra. Apparently, 66 never fills up." Spike was saying words. The words were properly formed and individually comprehensible. But they did not make sense.

"And why were they baking so much cake to begin with?" Twilight shifted atop the slumbering human sprawled on Celestia's comfy couch beneath her.

"They didn't know. Just that secret standing orders from the highest levels said that Kitchen 3 should always be baking cake, non-stop, around the clock, and putting it in pantry 66. Nopony ever takes anything out of 66, so they don't know why it's never filled up before. So they just started leaving cakes on the counters in the other kitchens."

"Oh, dear Celestia," Twilight facehooved.

"That's what I was thinking, too." Spike chuckled.

"What?"

"Well, uh, you know—she does love her cake!"

"Spike!" Twilight glared.

"And she can remotely teleport things. Like, out of a pantry nopony ever takes things out of, but never fills up." Spike gave Twilight a meaningful look.

"Lala-la. I'm not hearing this. My assistant is not slandering the princess who practically raised him!" Twilight stuck her hooves in her ears.

"Face it, Twilight. Celestia likes cake. A lot. And nopony in the kitchens remembers a time before Pantry Order 66, so it has to be her."

Twilight groaned and buried her face in her hooves. "Did you tell them to stop baking?"

"Until Celestia's back in town," Spike confirmed. "Order 66 is rescinded."

"Good. I guess."

"They still want to know what to do about all the extra cake. They can't leave it laying around; something about the Canterlot Health Inspector visiting this afternoon. Wouldn't want the palace kitchens to lose their food service license; that could take a month to sort out."

"Can't they give it away?"

"Ram-say says the last time the palace gave food away, the tabloids started printing stories about the princesses having an eating disorder. Celestia made it a rule, everything cooked in the castle is to be eaten in the castle."

"AArgh!" Twilight vented. "I can't believe it; we can't even give away cake in this town!"

"Mmmh. Did somepony say cake?" A sleepy rumble came up from the comfy mountain upon which Twilight and Spike had been perched.

"That's it!" Twilight looked down with a smile, lighting her horn. "Just how many cakes can a human your size eat, Archduke?"

"The cakes you ponies bake? A lot."

---

"Oi! Princess!" A familiar voice broke through the quiet groans over too-full bellies from alicorn, dragon, and alien Archduke. "The fuck is that thing?" The batpony guard standing in the doorway to the study looked ready to draw sword and leap into action.

"Stand down, Lieutenant Sabre. Urf." Twilight moaned as she rolled upright atop her snuggle-perch. "He's cleared to be here." "A lot" of cakes wasn't nearly enough. Celestia, how much cake do you eat in a day? "What now? Are we being invaded by dragons? ...Parasprites?" A hopeful note entered her voice.

"Shit, no. The fuckin' cook said t' tell ya they still got 40 cakes to dispose of."

"No... more." Twilight collapsed again.

"'e's still a cunt, but 'e did suggest you might want me to summon the troops?" The lieutenant quirked an eyebrow. "I'd say add some bloody fruit if ye mean to feed them cakes to the bats, but we could make yer 'too much cake fer me fuckin' flanks' problem disappear. Especially if I c'n get them fuckin' papayas to disappear, too..."

"Do it. Great idea, Stella." Twilight slumped back down and passed out.

---

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The gleeful squeals rang throughout the palace as Twilight prepared for her next meeting. Ambassador Windbeak would be arriving any minute. Thankfully, she was over the worst of the cake-coma. Not thankfully, she had to leave her snuggle perch. Alas, diplomacy does not involve snuggles. No wonder diplomats are always arguing about everything.

"What is making that dreadful racket?" The ambassador had barely stepped into the room, and he already had his war face on.

Twilight popped her neck once more before sitting. "That? That's just Luna's Children in the Lunar Guard. They're experiencing something of a feeding frenzy right now..." That was so adorable. I'm glad I saw it. And—idea! "You know how guards can get when you tell them they're about to have the funnest time of their careers, I'm sure."

"Funnest... I don't follow?" Windbeak's slightly alarmed expression said perhaps the truth was otherwise.

"You know how boring most of a guard's career can be in a nation at peace. Always standing around, guarding doorways, guarding hallways. Sometimes somepony changes up the routine and they find themselves guarding a balcony." Twilight chuckled. "Tell them they might get to put some of their more advanced training to use, and they get a bit... excited. It's cute!"

"Yes... I'm sure it's... very cute." The ambassador's stance was suddenly less confident. "Now, have you come to see... reason on the matters we discussed yesterday?"

"Reason is all I have seen. Ambassador, I regret to inform you that your petition is denied. The Crown cannot preferentially subsidize foreign products and put its own subjects' businesses in jeopardy." Twilight looked him straight in the eye. "And as to that other matter that was discussed—"

"That won't be necessary, your Highness!" Windbeak hastily interrupted.

"Oh?" Gotcha, turkey-bird. I didn't know griffons could sweat...

"Surely there is some way we can yet avoid unpleasantness!" Windbeak looked decidedly uncomfortable.

"Your queen's not interested in a war, is she?" That'll teach you to bluff the new princess.

"Ah—no." He practically wilted where he stood.

"Well then. I hope you've learned something. Now, I know how we can mend any offended feelings." Twilight rose and headed for the door. "Come with me."

---

"Twilight, I brought lunch!" Spike popped through the door of the study and stopped. Three sets of eyes met his gaze from the cuddle pile. "...I'll go get another tray."

"Thank you, Spike!" Twilight called.

"Make that two trays!" rumbled the human's avalanche of a voice.

"Most kind, Sir Spike," commented the ambassador from his place in the middle of the heap.

"Yeah, yeah." The dragon's amused grumble followed him out of the room, though it was swiftly replaced by approaching hoofsteps.

"Princess? Oh—good afternoon, Ambassador. I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" Raven looked like she was having trouble not squee-ing at the sight.

"You're fine, Raven. What's up?"

"I just had one of the staff arrested for trying to forge your hoofstamp on a contract. But he did raise an important issue about the palace decor."

"Side Bargain?" At Raven's nod, Twilight facehooved. "I'm not spending two million bits on lavender paint and tapestries. That's ridiculous!"

Windbeak stirred. "Highness, I believe I know what this is about, and if I may suggest...?" Twilight nodded. "Order the palace to be decorated in half Day/ half Night decor. What is Twilight, but a mix of the two?"

Raven's ears perked up, and her eyes met Twilight's. "Do it." Raven nodded at Twilight's approval and departed.

"Thanks, Ambassador." Twilight relaxed back into the pile for a proper snuggle. It seems like I can solve all my problems with a good snuggle!

---

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Blueblood. I just needed to—" Twilight stopped as her gaze took in the empty throne room.

"The shit'ead already left, Princess." Lieutenant Sabre was standing just beside the door. "Made a fuckin' crack about the palace stinkin' o' 'common' ponies an' left wi' his nose in a fuckin' hanky." She grinned, though with a hint of discomfort.

Twilight's muzzle twitched at an unexpected odor. "You got into the pineapple."

"The fuckin' papayas are all et!" Stella raged. "I fulfilled the terms o me shit-detail! Wi' some 'elp from me mates..."

"I'm sorry, Stella. I didn't remove Luna's spell." Igniting her horn, Twilight cast a dispel magic charm. "Let me make it up to you?"

"How the fuck ye gonna do that?"

---

"I can't believe ye fuckin' convinced me to do this," grumbled the guardsmare.

"Shoosh. You're enjoying it as much as anypony else," Twilight snickered.

"Pipe down, you two, the rest of us are trying to snuggle!" Raven called from the bottom of the cuddle-heap.

Spike was snoring, as was the Archduke. Ambassador Windbeak was carefully positioned opposite the batpony, avoiding eye contact.

Twilight stuck her tongue out. "After all, I bet you never knew humans were this warm."

Author's Note:

There you go. Twilight preserves world peace through pluck and cuddles.

One epilogue chapter to go.

Comments

[chaoticevl]

[lightningman]

No words. No fricking words for how adorable this is. And I've seen anime kawaii shit. This is by far one of the cutest and funniest things i've read in a long time

[Thatguywiththeface]

Wasn't expecting to see Stella in this. She's quite a bit tamer this time around though.

[Midknight Defender]

8569239

Well, she's not mine, but Flammenwerfer was okay with it after she kinda forced her way from a passing reference to a cameo in drafting. And most of her speaking parts in this are addressing a princess...she has a foul mouth, and she's not shy about using it around princesses, but she's still a loyal guard pony, so it seemed to me she'd be less likely to call a princess a saggy-flapped cunt with goat bollocks for brains unless given cause.

If we'd seen her and Luna prior to the start of this story? I'd bet the walls in that room are still blushing.

[LucidDreamer]

The cuddle pile is glorious!

[Iron Comet]

How did Raven rate getting into the cuddle pile?

[Captain Nitpick]

"Shit, no. The fuckin' cook said t' tell ya they still got 40 cakes to dispose of."

That's as many as four tens! And that's terrible!

[AJ]

"They still want to know what to do about all the extra cake. They can't leave it laying around; something about the Canterlot Health Inspector visiting this afternoon. Wouldn't want the palace kitchens to lose their food service license; that could take a month to sort out."

I think it's time to deploy... The nasty patty.

"Side Bargain?" At Raven's nod, Twilight facehooved. "I'm not spending two million bits on lavender paint and tapestries. That's ridiculous!"

This is one of those things where at first glance you might think this sort of thing couldn't exist in the real world, could it? Yep... it can and it does.

"'e's still a cunt, but 'e did suggest you might want me to summon the troops?" The lieutenant quirked an eyebrow. "I'd say add some bloody fruit if ye mean to feed them cakes to the bats, but we could make yer 'too much cake fer me fuckin' flanks' problem disappear. Especially if I c'n get them fuckin' papayas to disappear, too... "

Is this a cockney accent I hear?