- Member Since 16th Nov, 2017
- offline last seen Mar 14th, 2020
Thurnis
It is time once again. Don't be judgmental and don't be stressed.
Thurnis
Joined 16th Nov, 2017 ·
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I just lost it here. I literally started crying
...Christ I hope this story doesn't die after only one chapter.
Interesting thought of doing something like this with my male earth pony of Telwyn Freecolt in the profile picture. Telwyn always has a poker face look and is a loner simply cause no one pays attention to him.
Telwyn Freecolt grows up alone in a Equestria that seems empty and for some reason always has been, the world is pretty still but it's lands are empty with only animals and monsters like in minecraft. Selwyn gift is he can build and create anything but he has no cutie mark. He is very strong and can crush the hooves or hands in a simple hand shake. but cause he is alone he expresses no emotions. Who his parents are is unknown he simply awoke alone as a young colt in a peaceful empty world. He only speaks and shows other emotions when he must and if their is a reason, he has never cried or laughted .
a young adult stallion with no pony parents Telwyn only knowledge of a mother figure is goddesses of creation whom he hails as his heavenly mother he has seen her in his dreams and she has comforted him of his loneliness. Telwyn has never in his dreams or even said or asked out loud why he is alone. Telwyn creates and builds things and has the ability to use magic which he uses to create songs to liven up the quite world. Selwyn has seen many beautiful landscapes and mountains, hilltop and breath taking views in his empty world with only what he builds and creates for company.
If Telwyn Freecolt ever did end up in Equestria filled with ponies he would not show a surprised emotion but be awed their are others like him and want to see everything and learn anything he can.
The reactions other ponies like Twilight Sparkles would have of Telwyn Freecolt if they found out of him being a loner well it be a mix of curiosity of how he survived living alone in a empty peaceful world and not gone insane, and always has a poker face, and pity that Telwyn had lived alone for his whole quite life.
Please come back. I wish to see how this plays out. He should get pulled back find a new path in life only to somehow become immortal again (maybe alicorn, maybe not) and freak out at the chance he might have to eventually go back to that hellish future wasteland. he eventually comes to terms with it and decides to make plans to aviod that horrible fate. He most likely will build spacecraft and leave with others so he avoids meeting himself and ponies live on somewhere else.
Throwing the reader into a chapter with only this to contextualize your setting is not a very good approach to writing. Your setting should be built naturally, which is still something that is possible even in action-heavy stories. Also, there is no need for a second-person tag. You don't use that narration perspective. Considering the characters you have tagged, you should also be using a series tag for the comics because you're very clearly using their canon too. I would suggest reading the writing guide on the site to look at how you can avoid sentence fragments. The example that I put in bold, which contains information on how you can workshop a story on your own to remove these, improve clarity, and format dialogue.
After all, this:
This is one of the opening paragraphs, and it is riddled with errors. I can understand a few missing commas, but this includes human-only vocabulary (which still don't usually fit in anthro stories), rushed pacing, improper presentation with dialogue, unclear speakers, and completely rushing your plot in a pivotal moment where you need to show, not tell.
Also, unless you wish to indicate Celestia is using magic (it is not clear here), her eyes are not golden in color. If this is a detail that is typical of Celestia specifically in your stories, I would suggest you establish it far, far sooner. In medias res is not your friend right now. The action of the characters is also generally vague and unclear, which is the worst possible combination for a climatic battle scene.
You do not need italics for this. Also, you are incredibly shy using the name of your protagonist. Sombra has a name and the better you ground him in the story, the more your characterization improves. The ironic quotes are also not needed here.
How and why?
This is a key revelation and point in characterization, why not convey it naturally?
Whispering doesn't use dialogue quotes. Speaking does.
The first sentence doesn't parse very well. The higher above of what? Are you indicating literal or metaphorical torture?
You need three periods for proper ellipses. The preceding description and lines need to be broken into proper paragraphs. Why is he suddenly interested in moving the stars? Why does he suspect Discord? Moments like these are when you can reveal crucial information about your AU and when you can inform the reader of where it diverges from canon in meaningful ways. This is wasted potential, and the dialogue is riddled with basic proofreading errors. How would Sombra not know if he had any sons of his own too?
This sentence ends rather weakly. You state he was still imprisoned in the north, but does this refer to his original imprisonment? With no sense of how this timeline works, I'm not able to understand how we still have the four princesses who can battle Sombra in the present day. Twilight's road to becoming a princess was directly dependent on what happened in the Crystal Empire.
Anthro ponies are still ponies, should they really be eating meat? So little of this world is established for me to make any sense of what you'd want to establish in it. I'm actually not even sure if you intended this to be anthro, but you do use 'men' and refer to meat-eating. There is so little to establish that these are still ponies, and immersion is key for any type of fiction.
Even if this wasn't a sentence fragment, it still makes no sense.
This has been one of the most frustrating stories I've come across on the site. I don't believe I'm even fully 1,000 words in and this writing already is desperately lacking in even the most fundamental aspects of how to tell a story. When I started off writing too, I was in need of a lot of improvement, I'm not so out of touch that I don't know what a beginner's story looks like. It's just that there are almost ten thousand words of this and you've been in the fandom, publishing stories since 2017. That's almost as long as I have. I was looking forward to reading this, but was really let down by the more I read. Fimfic says I still have something like 7k left to get through, and I'm normally not one to stop reading a story, but I do believe you have a lot of work to do here if you want this story to succeed. The shape of some of your other stories (at least from passing glances) tells me that you can get feedback and good ratings, so I hope you take those to heart and keep working on this. With enough editing and helping hands, you could have a really great story.