• Member Since 7th Dec, 2015
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Evictus


Born on 1997 Became a brony August 2014

T

When Twilight comes up with an idea she goes to her friend to ask if they could work on it together and they both begin working on something that changes Ponyville for the better

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 61 )

everything you write is a memento mori

8551123 What does that mean?

🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🚽

8551175 Seriously?

8551123
His writing is the art of dying?

8551218
his writing is a reminder i will

8551162
You need help. Like as in, limit yourself to maybe a couple stories a week instead of a couple a day, and please, please get some editing done.

8551254 I've tried using an editor before and it didn't work

8551261
Like I said before, I. Have. Time. At. The. Moment. Not too much, but enough so to do some editing and/or rewriting.

8551268 Oh okay I misunderstood you

My favorite part about this part is that you don't get any, consumables...

You're the reason aliens haven't come here looking for intelligent life.

I'm 99% convinced that you're just a really dedicated trollfic writer.

8551123 - I dunno, man. Ev's stories are always good for a laugh. Or a :facehoof: Either way, I'm entertained. Except when I'm not. This story is innocuous compared to many of the others.

8551395 - Don't you mean that aliens did come here, but took one look here and nope'd on away from Earth, convinced they'd found nothing of value? Hopefully Ev's stories don't lead to us getting destroyed by the Vogon Space Fleet to make way for a galactic bypass.

8551483 - Only 99%? (seriously, I can't figure Ev out, and I've been reading his shyte for over a year)

Alright, Ev. You've made an attempt to set up a narrative. Let's see where you go with it.

8551610

I've got my towel folded and ready to go if so.

8551365 What do you mean?

8551395 Very funny :/

8551483 I'm sorry about that

8551488 My favorite ship is RariPie but I'll read any romance about any pairing really

Evictus: It's a little better than your clop, I'll give you that. But as others have said, limit yourself to maybe two stories a week. This gives you time to plan and edit. If you have time to post 5 stories a day, you have time to write and edit 1 instead. Read over your work. ALL OF IT. Just go back and read your work, and see if it makes sense when read slowly. People have said it before, some of us have free time, and would HELP you edit if you listened and tried a bit harder to find an editor. Read your stories, and if you notice a run-on sentence like the first one in this story.

"Twilight Sparkle was at the park as she was swinging on one of the swings that she saw that was empty, she decided to swing for a bit since she was taking a bit of a walk through Ponyville while she swung she watched the children play near the playground while she had a big smile on her face, the playground was small however and this made her dissapointed. "

The only punctuation in this sentence is the comma after empty and the period after 3.5 lines of text. Don't do this. She was swinging in a swing. You don't need the "that she saw that was empty". If she's swinging in it, it's a given that it was empty-eliminate redundancy. Check your spelling as well. Dissapointed isn't correct, but if you hover over the word and right click on it, it will show revisions for spelling.

And that's just the first paragraph/sentence. Read this story to yourself. Sentences that run on for 2 or 3 lines of text are too long-don't try to fit everything into as few sentences as possible. That's why we have periods.

Cut things down. Don't be afraid of the period, it's your friend. Also, try to think of an overall story arc, or plot. It seems like you've done better in this story, but elaborate on it. Don't just say "Twilight's idea was ________". Show why Twilight has this idea, and why it's important. For each story, come up with a different plot. A lot of your stories, clop especially seem to be copies of another story but with a different character set.

And please, please, PLEASE read this wall of text and not just say: "Okay", or "I'll try to work on that". Those are just generic words. Acknowledge your readers. Try to improve. Go back through all your stories, and look at the comments people have given you to help you write better. Do this before writing anything. Go back, look at the comments that are helpful (i.e. People saying they'll be your editor), and follow up on that. Write a list of the tips and advice people have given you if you have to. But KEEP. THOSE. COMMENTS. IN. MIND. And if you're writing for fun, and don't care what other people think, then sure, do whatever floats your boat, just make sure people know that (put it in your bio if you're just doing it for fun). But if you actually want to become a better writer then take a step back, and do the following.

1. Before ANYTHING, go read old comments. Ignore the spiteful ones, and look at the ones giving you tips or offering advice.
-Make a list of helpful comments and reference them to see what you need to improve most.
2. Reread old stories and try to notice things you're doing wrong based on the list you made during the previous point.
3. Don't put out 5 stories a day, put maybe 2 up a WEEK at most.
4. Make sure to thoroughly review each of your new pieces and address problems like
-Run-on sentences
-Capitalization
-New plot lines
-Spelling
5. Show, not tell when you write. Show us what the character is thinking, feeling, seeing, etc. Make the character an actual person or pony, rather than just words on a page
6. Acknowledging helpful comments rather than just saying "Okay" or "I'll work on that"-that's not helping.

Doing all this should help you become a better writer. It's not going to be instantaneous, but if you keep at it and practice, it will pay off. You have to break down your reputation of being a bad story writer, and the only way you can do this is by practicing. It will take months, yes. Keep at it. Sure, even if you do take all this text and more into account, your writing won't be immediately great, but it will improve over time. Keep your list of helpful comments and a list of editors in a visible place, and refer back to it. Perfect practice makes perfect, so as long as you can keep at it and try to use or take into consideration all advice that has been given, you'll get better. We all need to start somewhere. Maybe this can be your start.

-Nocturnas

P.S. I will refrain from voting at this time, so I can judge more appropriately when more chapters are out, and see if improvement has been made.

8551857 I'll try to improve the second one, I'll get a copy of your comment as reference for the next chapter as well if that's okay, I do want to imrpive and I'm sorry I keep saying this and yet I don't do anything but I'll do what you sai on the next one

8551857
You're wishful thinking.

At this point, I'm pretty sure that he's trolling.

Pick random ponies, or random names. Insert them in place of the characters in this story. It still reads the same. The only Pony thing about this story IS the names. Try it with past stories - it works more often than not.

🍆🍆🍆

8551395
Actually, I'm pretty sure it's the people who spam his comments section with eggplants. That is just stupid.


8551233
The fact that you're spending too much time coming here rather than doing just about anything else?


8551483
This question has been discussed before.

Wow. This place is great for no lives. Seriously, people who come here story after story don't hit 'follow.' Why do we keep wasting time?

8553287

Contrary to some beliefs, the bagel was not created in the shape of a stirrup to commemorate the victory of Poland's King John III Sobieski over the Ottoman Empire at the Battle of Vienna in 1683.

Linguist Leo Rosten wrote in The Joys of Yiddish about the first known mention of the Polish word bajgiel derived from the Yiddish word bagel in the "Community Regulations" of the city of Kraków in 1610, which stated that the item was given as a gift to women in childbirth.[6]

In the 16th and first half of the 17th centuries, the bajgiel became a staple of Polish cuisine[7] and a staple of the Slavic diet generally.[8] Its name derives from the Yiddish word beygal from the German dialect word beugel, meaning "ring" or "bracelet".[9]

Variants of the word beugal are used in Yiddish and in Austrian German to refer to a similar form of sweet-filled pastry (Mohnbeugel (with poppy seeds) and Nussbeugel (with ground nuts), or in southern German dialects (where beuge refers to a pile, e.g., holzbeuge "woodpile"). According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, 'bagel' derives from the transliteration of the Yiddish 'beygl', which came from the Middle High German 'böugel' or ring, which itself came from 'bouc' (ring) in Old High German, similar to the Old English bēag "ring" and būgan "to bend, bow".[10] Similarly, another etymology in the Webster's New World College Dictionary says that the Middle High German form was derived from the Austrian German beugel, a kind of croissant, and was similar to the German bügel, a stirrup or ring.[11]

In the Brick Lane district and surrounding area of London, England, bagels (or, as locally spelled, "beigels") have been sold since the middle of the 19th century. They were often displayed in the windows of bakeries on vertical wooden dowels, up to a metre in length, on racks.

8553287
And contrary to your painfully obvious ignorance of the situation, it takes less than 5 min. to post these comments, and it only takes one glance at many of the posters here to realize that we all do other things in excess. I have seventy stories, something easy to notice, as evidence that I do something else.

And Norris really likes bagels.

Why don't you just go have yourself a day or come back when you have solid proof that the shadowy figures behind these comments are wasting their lives - something you clearly don't know much about - hmm?

Toodles! :D

8553429
Did you just attempt to inspire a change from eggplants to bagels? I am not sure if I understand the point?


8553436
So? If you're actively wasting five minutes a day for one user to post a story just so that you can comment, it is still time that could be spent doing anything else. Look up what dykes are. That's more productive. Why do you keep coming here? And why don't you just follow Evictus to get notified on his new stories? None of it makes sense.

8553472
>implies it actually takes 5 min. to post this right here

8553476
You're the one who said that. I was just using your words.

8553481
I said 'less than'.

8553487
Okay.

That's 4 minutes that could be better spent doing anything else.

Do you feel better?

Regardless, it's time that could be better spent on just about any other purpose.

8553489
You're funny, you know that?

8553493
And you are obsessed with everyone who questions your actions being perfect in their phrasing down to the most minute details. You have repeatedly avoided the point of this being a waste of time by saying that I don't know what I'm talking about. You find it worthy of your consistent time to come to a set of stories that you have expressed great contempt for to make comments that sometimes consist of literally not even a single letter. You don't think that sounds so stupid it's funny?

8553501
🍆Chill🍆

8553506
I think it's safe to rest my case.

8553512
Have fun with that!

8553123 What do you mean?

8553948
I'm pretty sure that they mean that your stories are a bit overly generic as far as most of them go.

This is abysmal. This is absolutely abysmal. And to give you a good example, I'll show the very first paragraph of this story.

Twilight Sparkle was at the park as she was swinging on one of the swings that she saw that was empty, she decided to swing for a bit since she was taking a bit of a walk through Ponyville while she swung she watched the children play near the playground while she had a big smile on her face, the playground was small however and this made her dissapointed.

That is one sentence. One! singular. You say swing three times, and swung once. You don't need to say play near the playground. Take a minute and think, what do children do at playgrounds? Newsflash; they fucking play. Also, you spelled disappointed wrong.

Why would she be disappointed that the playground is small? Is there any particular reason for that? What's wrong with a small playground? Who has a 'big smile' on their face as they idly sit back and watch a playground? That's fucking creepy.

This is a single paragraph, the first paragraph, and I could literally write a story longer than your entire chapter on just how fucked up it is.

Now if you'd like, I could start critiquing the actual content that you shit out on such a common basis that it might as well be the very carbon dioxide excreted from your lungs.

What the fuck is this story about? You have SIX chapters and over six-thousand words, and the only form of a description you have is Twilight has an idea. No fucking shit. Twilight has a lot of ideas! Do you seriously expect someone to slog through six thousand words of garbage without at least knowing what the garbage is about?

This entire chapter. THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER IS ABOUT BUILDING A FUCKING BALL PIT.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?

8564586 It wasn't meant to be creepy

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