• Member Since 7th Mar, 2016
  • offline last seen July 14th

Moonraker


An amateur writer with perpetual writer's block who has more half baked ideas then friends. Also I rake moons.

T
Source

The year is 1547 and the Spanish have finished squashing a Maya revolt in the Yucatan. Despite defeating the rebellious natives the conquistadors efforts have proven all but futile as the natives now fight a vicious guerilla war in the jungle. The times are changing as the wealth and glory of days before no longer exists and new officials are starting to arrive to administer the conquistadors' recent exploits. With nothing left to conquer and the Crown is starting to rein in the ambitious Spanish adventurers; the Age of Conquest is coming to a close.

Meanwhile in the Forbidden Jungle, Daring Do is in a race against her nemesis Ahuizotl to search for a long lost temple. During a scuffle she and Ahuizotl are thrown through an ancient portal to the jungles of the Yucatan jungle. Not long after they are captured by a band of conquistadors and brought before the local commander. Seeing an opportunity to keep the conquests going the band of soldiers gather an expedition to cross back over into Equestria, bringing Daring Do and Ahuizotl along for the ride.

What the Spanish don’t realize is they will encounter a land they have only heard in myth filled with magic, monsters, and god like beings. Will they be able to recapture the wealth and glory of conquests before and return to tell the tale? Or will they be destroyed by powerful unknown forces and never be heard from again?

Note: This is a working draft, so published chapters will be edited & changed and constructive criticisms is appreciative. Thank You.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 20 )

Also, in your description, it's "rein" not "reign".

1.- I'm glad to see a fic that's going to tackle the spanish conquistadors, this will be quite a journey considering how wild they were. Some went to America in the hopes of getting gold, others for loyalty to their king, others for the desire to explore. They fought brutal battles against many native american tribes (some were justified, some weren't) to either slave them or make them join Spain through force. In the end, thanks to the catholics demands, the Conquistas were cancelled as an approach to gain the land, leaving the colonization to the monks through the encomienda (which was a much better alternative as dreadful as they were) and letting the Conquistadors in a bad position. Many of them didn't like the treatment they got, the best example of it being Lope de Aguirre, who took over an expedition in the Perú (that ended up in Venezuela) and planned his own movement to takeover Perú for himself.

2.- You repeat the word "barley" when it should be "barely".

3.- I'll be tracking this. Have a like.

The real question is will the ponies be scared of guns? That was a big factor in conquering natives.

Well, this is an interesting premise. Just with the description alone, hahaha.

Admitedly, I'm more intrigued for the impact those two will make in their, apparently short, stay in Earth before returning. Ahuizotl alone is going to raise many eyebrows, since with the right person, he'll be recognized quite well. I know it's a remote chance, but it'd be funny if he also hears of this guy. I would think it'd stroke his ego a bit, hahahaha.

Well anyway, this was an interesting start. A bit standard (as it is simply Daring Doo against Ahuizotl for the... well, that's countless times if she has written lots of books), but I know the real story is yet to come. Will be a good wait, no doubt.

This is what I felt like saying throughout this chapter.

"Padding, padding, padding. Padding, padding, padding. Oh look! A tree, that's different!"

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

Alright, I'll say that I like your approach but you give too much information and make it very boring in some parts that should be interesting. I'll explain:

The history behind the town, the rebels, the different companies, all of that, its good information that would enrich the story but you're giving it all in one go and that much information just make it hard to embrace. We don't need to know about the rebels or the soldiers sacking the heretic town but you can save that information for another occasion (like a retelling of what happened there by the words of either Iago or Jakes to someone else) so you can get to the point faster.

Now, the description of every character is only necessary if they're going to be an important part to the story, the more description the more important it will be, so I don't mind it that much.

Something else done right, the information about the old ruins, the sinkholes, the plains, the indios working, that sounds good.

If you want to get a better idea of how to work this kind of stories, I recommend you reading "El Camino de El Dorado" by Arturo Uslar Pietri, which describes a Spanish journey in search of El Dorado, which begins in Perú and ends in Venezuela. IT has a slow start but, once it gets interesting, you cannot put it down.

Otherwise, I really hope you keep on doing this, because you're writing something that isn't written very often in general.

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I appreciate the constructive criticism, this chapter was a lot harder for me then the first as I felt I had to build up the Conquistador world more then the Equestrian one. When writing I was greatly concerned about trying to not tell everything in one go, to leave things open for later, and, as you made mention, make it interesting. I've already went back and changed some things before seeing this, and no doubt I will change more after this comment (this is a rough draft after all and not the finished product).

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You welcome, I wish the best for you.

Guess we'll be expecting monthly updates. No matter. I don't really come to this site for much else anyway anymore.

Yeah, this story might as well be dead.

8797352
Have patience, its not dead yet.

Ok, you can not honestly say this isn't dead anymore. Well, at least I can be happy to have been one of the few to have read the entirety of Chapter 2 before you cut out 1/4 of it for some reason...

Been nearly 4 months since my last comment. Any updates?

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