Chapter 3
The Best of All Possible Worlds
Chapter 3
Voltaire tried writing several drafts of his letter to the king, but failed to reach the right tone, one that got the king to laugh and forgive him without actually saying that the writer was in the wrong for expressing his opinions through his fiction. The fact that he had considered Micromegas too dangerous to put his own name on it was not a point in his favor. Eventually he failed and fell asleep. He dreamed that Ivan had come up to the door and stared at him through the bars until he turned into a unicorn.
He awoke (still human) to a cold breakfast waiting for him on his writing table (along with an invitation to meet Jordan’s daughter at 4 o’clock that afternoon), and a stupendous hangover. He drowned his sorrows in port wine, and was soon in a good mood again, at least until he had discovered that he had kicked over the ink pot during the night and he no longer had anything to write with.
Voltaire considered calling for Jordan, but he felt guilty for what the king had put him through, and decided to bother him as little as possible. Remembering the confiscated pencil in his possession, he decided he’d use that, at least until he had come up with a draft he was satisfied with. He cleaned his breakfast knife with the napkin, and then used that to sharpen the point on the pencil.
“All hail Friedrich the Great,” he began, which in German looks like this:
Heil Friedrich dem Großen...
Before his eyes, the loops of the e’s, the d’s and the o’s started to darken, until they looked just like the ovals in Oscar’s cell.
Voltaire fearfully rose to his feet, and the blackness in the shapes shifted as he did so. Looking at the pencil in his hand, he suddenly realized that these were not eyes watching him, but pits. Or portals, Voltaire remembered. Just as Oscar promised the king.
He reached down and placed a finger over the “o” in “Großen”, and felt the opening under his skin. He used the pencil to draw a big circle on the paper and tried to reach through it, but only found his hand contacting stone.
This was an exceedingly strange mystery. What would Newton do? he asked himself, mentally addressing his hero. The great Sir Isaac would apply logic to the problem, and so would he. Oscar had drawn what he had seen through these portals, but Voltaire only saw stone. Oscar’s portals had only been drawn around the middle of his cell, so perhaps...
Voltaire picked up the piece of paper. It was clear that the darkness he was seeing through the hole was different, and what he felt when he put his hand up to the hole was different as well: a different stone. He walked around with the paper and when he came near to his bed, he suddenly saw daylight.
Through the hole was a blue sky, and something far in the distance flying downwards far slower than should be possible. He saw clouds, but something was definitely wrong with them: they were all on their sides. He carefully tilted the paper some more, and finally spotted the ground, far to his left.
Voltaire shook his head in wonder. Not only had he discovered a portal to another land, but this land was sideways! Struck with inspiration, he laid down on his bed so his feet were now pointing in the direction of the other world’s “down”, and was thus able to get a better look at things.
He was looking out from the side of a tall castle or palace, nearly two dozen feet off of the ground. The castle extended above him for several hundred feet. The castle must have been on top of or on the side of a tall mountain, because a green valley stretched below him a thousand or more feet down. The valley stretched as far as the eye could see, bounded on one side by a low mountain range. It was certainly inhabited, because he could make out the rectangular plots of fields and orchards, but they were too far away to make out the farmers.
But there was, Voltaire realized, a way to see the inhabitants of this land up close. From the bed he could look out of the outer wall of the castle. A few steps away, all he could see was the rock that made up the castle wall itself. But closer to the door, he ought to be able to see inside the castle.
The human stood up and cautiously walked towards the door of his cell, his marked piece of paper before his eyes. For four steps, all he saw was the dark insides of a wall, but then his view emerged into a great wide hall.
Tilting his head sideways, Voltaire saw a crowd of colorful ponies all looking in the same direction. Some of the ponies wore robes, and some did not. The ones that didn’t wore their manes arranged into elaborate waves of multiple colors. Voltaire guessed that the ponies following this elaborate fashion were the mares, and the others were the stallions. Since they all wore the same fashion of hairstyling, they were probably imitating their ruler. And since they were all facing the same direction with looks of awe in their little pony faces, that must mean that their ruler was over there, in a direction that Voltaire could not see however he tilted his little window.
He decided he needed a much bigger window.
Voltaire took every piece of paper he had, and arranged them to form a large square on the floor. He had no way of attaching the pages to each other, so he was very careful as he drew the outline in pencil not to let any page slip away. Finally he completed the large circle and waited.
The view through the large window was much clearer than before. Slowly and deliberately, Voltaire planted his hands on the paper outside the pencil circle, and leaned his head through.
He finally saw the ruler of the ponies. And that sight was so astonishing that he forgot which way gravity worked in their world, and fell right through.
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I don't review good stories. I usually stick with the bad ones and rail on the authors in an effort to help them understand the folly of their ways by slamming a proverbial baseball bat on their heads.
That said, this is a good story.
Oh my god... a Candide crossover... I have to read this... *puts on read later list*
Why is it that the good stories, more often than not, are the ones with the strangest premise?
"Open forelegs" sounds obscene. Just thought I'd warn ya.
I'm no expert on the grammatical side of things, so I really can't give you feedback on that front. However, as a layman, I like the style you write in. Feels very fresh for some reason. The setting is also interresting in its own way. I'll be definitely following this story and hope it continues.
Off topic: The properties of that pen intrigue me.
MY WORDS!
This is... this is fantastic! Is that Voltaire before he wrote Candide? Is a pony going to be his inspiration? 
I'll be following because I know it's gonna be a hoot.
Goodness, but this is looking fascinating. I never thought I'd read a Human in Equestria story. I have quite stubbornly avoided them up until now. But Voltaire? Remarkable idea. I just had to try, and I was duly rewarded.
Ok, now i am really intrigued as to what will happen next, there just isn't enough human in Equestria fics that only center around Celestia and said human, and i do so hope this will be one of those.
With all the messy attempts of throwing humans threw portals into Equestria in the name of science it's still rare that any of them actually work out. I finally have a HiE to put above that Rorschach one in my list of favorites. Here's something actually worthy of that sort of position. This is just fantastic so far.
I'm very pleased with what I've read so far. Do go on.
Alle Hagel Friedrich des Große...
HAhahah
Pffff...
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Indeed, is it linked only to Equestria, or could one access any world they chose? First stop: Fallout: Las Vegas for power armor. Second stop: Equestria
Primary Objective I: Get ponykind to trust me.
Primary Objective II: Collect magic-resistant objects, crush them and mix them into paint, then paint armor.
Primary Objective III: [REDACTED]
Primary Objective IV: Profit.
What would Isaac Newton do? He'd make a plan and he'd follow through, that's what Isaac Newton'd do.
In other news, Yesyesyesyes, this is a wonder.
Alle Hagel Friedrich des Große... ? Is it deliberatle not the translation to "All hail Friedrich the Great"? Or is Voltairs German just that bad?
Anyways, great story so far! Can't wait to read the reast of it.
This sir is a masterpiece.
I am very glad that I have found your story.
When you are in court of the King of Prussia you speak French.
Princess Celestia: So awesome you'll forget how gravity works.
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Because we as bronies, grown men who came to love a children's tv show about magical ponies and friendship, perhaps have an inherent affinity for odd concepts?
The last line completely killed me. The image of Voltaire falling through the portal was too much. I love the casual feel of your writing.
Totes digging your Equestrian perspective writing style
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I'm not one.
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Give it time...
Young Cave Johnson sits on a chair spinning a pencil and thinking of the possibilities. Behind him is a white board detailing the blueprints for an ovoid object.
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25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6can2mFwB1r3k1m8o1_500.png
heeee heee!
it begins!!!
> draw a big circle on the paper and tried to reach through it
I suppose he waited for it to fill in? At the end with the bigger circle, you were clear on his waiting. I guess it's a minor detail, but since he was explicitly experimenting I didn't want to assume.
Magic pencil, away! Bah ha ha ha, what a way to go!
It is official, Voltaire is now voiced by Robin Williams in my head.
It's a My little pony x 18th century french Enlightenment writer and philosopher Voltaire crossover fanfiction. This shit is surreal.