• Member Since 25th Aug, 2015
  • offline last seen Oct 12th, 2019


Comments ( 178 )

You had me at "Twilight's first to mate" :heart: :twilightsmile: :heart: I hope Spike is her first mate though I just don't wanna have a mare swinging that way or already mated once with their ex or something. I love a good vanilla, lemon, lovey dovey sh** as Rainbow would say. :rainbowwild:

This grammar needs some serious work. It's not impossible to read but it is really hard to get invested.

You have my attention. hopefully you keep it with this story.

:fluttershysad: Discord. I need your help and one small favor , please? :fluttercry:

:twilightsheepish: girls just like we planed it, on the count of three...1. . .2. . .3!

:moustache: Waaaaaaa! Wuts happening to me! I got pricks where my fingers were and dicks on my toes!

:trollestia: So that's how you solved the 1st problem of who claims Spike first, what's your other problem?

:twilightoops: Raritys stuck

:trollestia: I don't see that as a problem :facehoof:

:twilightsmile: But but We all need wedding dresses and maternity clothes....

:ajbemused: Dag nab it Twi. We run around naked as it is...


work on grammar and tenses........

Is this going to be a harem story

I will try to write one since never good in making sex scene for ponies

It is a harem story


8540178 &
Well, English is my second language

Some grammar errors, but otherwise, a great start. I hope you don't leave us hanging!
I've always liked TwiSpike, so I'm rooting for Twilight. Though if Ember joins in on this, I'd be just as happy for her to be Spike's first.

I already finish until Pinkie's chapter. I need to make the remain 3 a bit excited and modify the first 3

:trollestia: Well then, work on it & reward yourself for doing a fine story and better English :pinkiehappy:


i'll try but i cant promise since i try to make each character as real as possible

you can do it:raritywink:

um....first, this needs an editor bad....lotsa bad grammar, and at least once you missed the S in Spike's name....also, he had 1 dick in chapter one, and in this one he has 2? Will he have 3 in the next?

Thanks for the reminder about the Spike without the S. Second, I make it Spike has 2 cock a bit late but if you read the first chapter, I mention that Twilight takes a bit longer to adjust her womb not because how big Spike's is but there are 2 cock inside her or it won't make her belly grow and her pussy overflow with his cum

except nothing was mentioned when she sucked it, and all that jazz...and no, no mention at all about the 2 during the entire scene, I just went back over it

you sure? Because based on Twilight's reaction, she is holding 2 cock inside her

5 mins of waiting does not a double cock make, it does mention it gets a bit bigger before he blows, but NOTHING about a second one

It isn't even consistent in the same chapter! Earlier on we have this

Sweetie Belle looks at Spike’s cock grows

Note that there is 1.....and then suddenly, once he's done getting a BJ and it's time to fuck, suddenly a second one sprouts to rail them both at once.... If he had 2 it should have at least had both there for the BJ, then you could pass it off as dragons grow as many dicks as they have girls to fuck.... but as it is, the second one comes outta nowhere

*maybe i need to read more about spike's mating since i never had sex before

This fic has some potential, but those small inconsitincies are thrashing the suspension of disbelief, breaking us outta the immersion...

this is a good story but it has some major broken english

Where's Starlight?

Bet you can put a sex scenes in every chapter.

I'm guessing Applejack and Apple Bloom or Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo next?

Spike is going to have a heat attack at this rate when he finds out he impregnated every mare he's slept with.

just imagine his reaction when they tell Spike about him being a father

...............I guess half of Equestria's ponies are virgins huh? :twilightblush:

Try writing down all the alternate words/phrases for "vagina", and using them interchangeably throughout the chapter… I don't know about others; but I find the constant use of "pussy" a bit bland.

So I'm guessing that Limestone and Maud would get their turn soon?

"We're what?!"

I'm shooting in the dark here, but my guess is that was ether celestia or luna shouting that.

Look it's a decent story but I seriously suggest you go and fix the grammar mistakes in your chapters.

originally that chapter have Spike having sex with all Pie sisters but I don't have the idea on how to insert Limestone and Maud
It just didn't get to me when I wrote it. I was thinking of vagina but can't remember the word vagina so I use pussy
Wait until intermission to find out
grammar mistakes in terms of what? I used MS words and they will tell me about grammar mistakes with red underline

I mean words that cause your sentences to not make sense. It makes it sound like improper English.

well, i am trying not to make the character too OOC

I don't see how it would make it too OOC. It would make the story easier to read though...

i checked with MS Words. Aside the name, others are fully grammar corrected

No I mean all the other colerful words that mean the same as pussy
Ex: cunt, slit, love tunnel, lower lips, and a whole bunch of others…

i know but like i said, when i wrote this, it didn't occur to me about any name beside pussy. But thanks for the idea. I'll make some editing later

Looked over it again. I will say that it is mainly fixed. One flaw I did tend to see however is this sentence from your first chapter: "Before Spike could ends his sentences, Twilight licks his neck causing him to moans a bit." It is an example of what I had meant by grammar. How it should be written is; "Before Spike could end his sentence, Twilight licks his neck causing him to moan a bit." Good job with the other chapters.

i checked with both US english and UK english. Still same

I realize that may be what the results of the computer's spell check. However it may fix the spelling of a word, it still doesn't change the wording of a sentence so that it makes sense. I'm a junior in high school with a vocabulary score that goes off the chart. So either take my advise or don't. It's up to you

maybe that's the problem because my country doesn't have vocabulary test

Look, all I am saying is that spell check doesn't always help completely when it comes to typing out stories or even essays. That is why you go and reread things before uploading to make sure the sentences make sense before so you can always deliver the best of what you can do. I hope you realize I was not calling you dumb.

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