• Member Since 10th Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

Scout Feather


Writer of Fillies doing lewd things and Ponies doing cute things. People seem to dig that stuff around here. Commission Status

E

Heart Afire is a young colt and a future Fire Mage to-be. His parents are the Prince and Princess of a faraway land, who love and nurture their son every way they can.

One night, swaddled in blankets and his pajamas, Heart gets a tummy ache. The journey to the castle Kitchens is a long way away, and for such a young colt a potentially terrifying concept.

Will he ever make it?


A Free Commission for Hopanio

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 7 )

That was really quite cute!

Okay, so, a detailed commentary on this story. Only a day late!

First, let me just say that I absolutely LOVED the story itself. It was positively adorable from start to finish, but there are some parts in particular that really stand out above the rest in terms of sheer cuteness. The very beginning, which captured Heart's childish mentality perfectly. The stairs scene, complete with adorable flashbacks, showing just how much Heart grew...in his eyes, at least. And one that stood out to me in particular was the flashback with the cook. Not only was that well-done indeed, but it also fits Heart's character perfectly, and provides a backstory for how he got into that hobby in the first place. Indeed, I can actually see him sneaking off from lessons in diplomacy or history to take an impromptu cooking lesson with Onion when he is a bit older.

However, in terms of adorableness, the standout scene has to be the quiet moment shared by father and son after Nova catches him, quite literally, in the cookie jar. How Heart, instead of bribing Nova, instead realizes his Dad's plan, calls him out on it, and gets taxed at a 50% rate of cookies as a result. (Seriously, Papa...cut the taxes on the Colty Class!)

Everything in that scene, and the following epilogue, is absolute d'aww.

The only real criticism I have of the story is something I noticed when I reread it, and that's simply that Heart seems to be acting and thinking a bit too young for an 8 year old. He comes across as thinking more along the lines of a 6 year old instead. Though I will readily admit, this could be my own skewed notions of how children of various ages think, since a lot of information went unspecified.

All in all, however, this was a wonderfully cute little story, and one I look forward to reading time and time again. I wholeheartedly recommend any who wonder whether or not to commission this guy to do so, because as you can see from the above, the product you will receive is well worth the money.

One final thought: Why didn't Thyrion get a cookie? Surely he deserved one for putting up with his master's antics!

8543332
I'm really glad you enjoyed it! I was nervous writing some of the characters, and admitedly steered clear of doing anything with Thyrion altogether because I didn't know what to do with him.

As for the age, you raise valid points. I think I'll alter his age in the store to be 6 to reflect that, as it makes a lot more sense.

Hope you commission me in the future!

8543446

I fully intend to.

Also, in response to the 50% Dad Tax on Midnight cookies: Down with the taxes! No Taxation without representation! Bring down the oppressive rulers and bring forth new laws in favor of midnight snacks for all!

8543521
Stop the oppression of the Coltletariate by the Maregeoise!

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