• Member Since 26th Apr, 2016
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Foal Star


Im like a Baby Discord with a crazy imagination

T

One spooky Nightmares Night, Creaky Mail and Mail Opener two clumsy royal guards were ordered to go to a strange mansion for a party set up by Princess Luna. But in reality, the mansion is filled with foalish challenges.

On entering the mansion the two guards become trapped in diapers, and are forced to accomplish the embarrassing challenges in hopes of escaping. This will be their ultimate test to see if they're guards or foals.

Cover Artist Mix-up

Co-writer: Mix-up

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 35 )

Nice story so far, can't wait to read more of it.

Yeah same here any idea when we might see an update

I need more! This story (well the chapter) is soooooo good! :pinkiehappy:

Great job on the cliffhanger ending. It's teasing me! :pinkiecrazy:

<LoL!> This is certainly quite the misadventure! Fun characters with a great sibling relationship just asking to be put into such a situation.

The way the story flowed really had a great cartoon feel. The lead up to getting into the mansion kept things from progressing too fast while also getting us to know the brothers. Then the mansion itself was only given a taste of what is in store for our bewildered guards as we leave off with their fate unknown as they plummet down to the unknown. I honestly could hear a lot of playful cartoon sound effects during a lot of this.

Eager for more! Great job!

>On the night of Nightmare’s night
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/himym/images/a/a4/YOU_DONT_SAY.png/revision/latest?cb=20140220024329

You also fail to capitalize sentences and 'I' regularly. Also, just what sort of name is 'Creaky Mail' anyways? Like, I'm honestly trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here and understand the logic behind a name like that and I'm coming up blank.

<LoL!> This is a wonderful misadventure with two super-silly royal guards. What really helps sell this is that it is OCs going through this fun. We get fresh experiences from fresh characters who we get to discover how they'd handle each situation. Bravo!

That spider's crib was definitely creative. I also am all for diapers with duckies on them. :)

What sort of hijinx lie beyond the door? Could the two just be dreaming the whole thing? I imagine, if Princess luna is watching this, she is either rolling her eyes or laughing her head off. :)

Perhaps this is a Royal Guard initiation? See just how much a pony will take in order to join the ranks?

The new chapter was awesome! I wasn't expecting a giant pink spider! Can't wait for more!

awesome new chapter looking forward to more

awesomely cute chapter looking forward to more

Yipes! That was a tense chapter! Definitely is making this story one to promote around Halloween / Nightmare Night next year.

I'm really enjoying the OCs. Creeky and Opener are quite the comic duo as they endure this bizarre mansion of foolish horror.

The rocking horse really added to the whole scene. Something tells me that little brother is going to need to do more work in the next challenge.

There was also a lot of silly fun with our little filly's acting. The thoughts in his mind definitely painted quite the picture of the place coupled with cartoon-like antics as he desperately distracted the dolls.

The new chapter was really good! I really love the creativity you brought into the story. The dolls are also creepy, which makes this a cute yet creepy story. I really love the rocking horse idea, and the puzzles. I can't wait for the next chapter!:pinkiehappy:

Ugh, don't you know how to use the Shift key? I thought people learned where to capitalize letters in grade three.

Any date for the next chapter? I really like what's been happening so far

8592819
I have it all finished pretty much just having it esited and reviewing each chapter. It'll all be out soon.

Ooh! It would seem like there is a certain method to the madness of this little mansion of padded thrills. Whoever, or whatever, is running the show appears to have done their research on these two and is certainly delighting in putting them both through their paces.

Way to continue the overall development of the plot for this story. Each chapter makes more sense in hindsight as you read those that are further released. It will be a fun time reflecting upon how this all comes together for our OC guards.

I wasn't expecting that, but it's very creative and well written

Edit:also, (this is just a suggestion) but you could also do bonus chapters, showing what happens if they failed the challenges

Yipes! It's like "SAW" meets something from Tim Burton! Scary, suspenseful, and silly.

<LoL!> Getting the 'chocolate' icing on the cake was certainly something the brothers will not soon forget. Knowing those undead ponies ate it is also something I'm sure neither will forget either.

If anything the story is showing how the two make a strong team and are able to get through lots of difficult moments requiring quick thinking.

Onto the next! Good luck, guys!

I really enjoyed these chapters. So creative! :pinkiehappy:

You're on fire with making new content! I'm glad to see you so full of inspiration.
This story is always fun with how silly it keeps getting. Our OC ponies are certainly playing their roles great as we venture further into this bizarre mansion full of the undead and other-wordly. What could possibly happen next?

The ghost ponies are really interesting. The way you describe them sets for a nice visual. I particularly liked how everything just changed after the first hour of work. You just never know what is going to happen next.

Yikes! The spirits of the mansion are definitely turning up the pressure on our heroes. Creeky and Mail were finally catching on to just going with the flow and now the flow itself has just turned towards dooming them. Will they be able to figure a way out of this one?

It's going to be interesting to find out who has been behind this entire mansion adventure. It's either an extreme test or, perhaps, a pony from the after-life determined to remain relevant in the realm of the living. Albeit by some most unconventional means.

Good luck, guys!

When a dialogue tag precedes said dialogue, the dialogue should begin with a capital, not a lower-case letter.

Example:
>Mail Opener smirked and pressed his hoof into his brother’s muzzle, “you barely passed the qualifications to be a guard . . .

"you" should be "You".

You're also inconsistent in this regard, as I saw at least one instance of you doing it properly. Reverse the paradigm and you'll be mostly correct instead of largely incorrect.

Beyond that, you need to seriously consider reading your story out loud in an editing sweep, as there are numerous awkward sentences or typos (for example, you wrote "own" in one place where to clearly meant to write "down"). You should also try to read professionally published books and observe how they handle descriptions and dialogue.

I would also recommend brushing up on your dialogue punctuation with this guide: Helpful Link

8742300
I will...despite me working on this for so many hours. lol thanks

8742327
If you've worked on it for that long, then it only makes sense to spend a bit more time to ensure it's polished and worthy of pride, right?

I'm going to be frank here, there are a lot of issues with this writing, down to the names of the characters. That's subjective stuff, though, and you need to demonstrate at least a willingness to handle objective errors before people will be willing to help you with the really difficult problems of style and flow.

8742811
I have been taking in the advice and thanks for the help. But I just don't know how to respond, I for one sometimes don't really understand on what you're trying to say. Also I don't like trying to live up to anyone's expectations. I'm not a fast learner but I want to keep working at my writing at my own pace. Trust me you will hate me if you tried to help me.

8742848
I'm not trying to be your tutor, just giving you resources on what will help you improve.

Honestly, at this point the main thing you should really worry about is reading more. Not fanfiction, actual professional novels. It's the best way to learn how to write, just seeing how a master does it. I would recommend Terry Pratchett's Discworld series.

I would recommend starting with Mort, and then Reaperman. Each story is self-sufficient, though, so there's no set order.

8742883
Ive read my entire life and have been reading. Sadly I think I have the imgaination of a writer but I have no skill. Yet I went from writing like a toddler to having my works be liked and developed. Took me two years but im getting there.

okay that was a good story even tho nightmare night is way over but it was good to read and to see there pain and how cute it was as well

Oh, dear. It does appear that Mail Opener and Creaky Mail are far from finishing their trial. Policing the dreams of foals is certainly not a job that would be high on any guard's list. However some pony has to do it. Plus it at least keeps them employed while getting a pay increase. Take the good with the bad, right?

I wonder if Shining Armor ever had to endure one of these manifestations? I'm sure, if he did, he'd be very careful in what he says, or does, around Flurry. That or he'd just make sure to have Mail Opener and Creaky Mail on stand by in the event she creates a situation he'd much rather not deal with. :)

8745488
Oh dear. If the padded mansion was created by ORDINARY foal dreams, I'd hate to see what a dream supercharged by flurry could do.

ok, I give you a gold star this was feeling like so heavy a YOLO im just doing what i want type of diaper story that I didn't read the chap before this but this explanation was very satisfying to say the lest good job I'm gonna go back and finish the missed chap and hope to see more even may be sequels. you've done a good job surprising me ^.^

wow cool interesting start

I didn't ACTUALLY think Luna was behind it. In all honesty, this sounds like something Discord would do. Thank you for the surprise ending Star. Really good idea. :twilightsmile:

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