evileye121
Joined 7th Nov, 2017 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hey there, and welcome to FimFiction! Your story does look interesting. There's a few tips that could also be helpful with it.
For one, common writing conventions, when characters address one another in dialogue, put a comma before the name to avoid misunderstandings. Here's an example why:
versus
Another thing is, you should pace yourself a little more. I get a sense things are going very quickly. Give it more time. There's no need to rush!
Lastly, there are quite a few mistakes, mostly wrong word choices or capitalisation issues. Have you looked into getting an editor? It's really helpful to have one, trust me.
Anyhow, I'm curious where you intend to take things. The most important point is never to let yourself get discouraged! Cheers!
8537809
Thanks, for the advice, I'll fully admit I have never been all that good with punctuation. Also, could you give me an example of wrong word choices and capitalization issues so I know what to look for?
8537854
Of course! Here's one, though upon a closer look, it could be a regular typo:
And here are some capitalisation mistakes:
I think you might have taken a fetish based clopfic a little too seriously, buddy.
8537901
Yeah, I won't deny that I may have taken it a little too seriously, but once I started to think of ways for conflict to arise in the story even subverted as a joke the scenario just fell into place.
Sci-Twi should return the favor: they did it with her she do it to them.
While I agree with Animanga21 that you took a clopfic too seriously, I do think you have a solid basis for a story here. After all, why shouldn't there be consequences? Twilight did NOT overreact, she was essentially gang raped.
However, that said, this needs work. There are a lot of run-on sentences like the one above, as well as vast chunks of text that are hard to read.
8548443
Yeah, I've always had that problem. While I can come up with the conflicts, scenarios and situation relatively easily, but writing it down in a coherent manner not so much.
This is a pretty good story, Twilight dating the Mane 6 with cocks is quite unique to say the least. Keep up the good work.
Nice!
Daaammmnnn, Twilight & Rainbow went all out doing the nasty, didn't they? Amazing job Evil & Merry Christmas!
God damn... That's hot, kinky, & so worth the long wait! I was curious when chapter 5 would ever be uploaded & it didn't disappoint, especially when Rarity going all dominatrix on poor Little Twilight, glorious job & I'll see ya for ch. 6
8876443
I'm glad that you enjoyed it. Next chapter shouldn't take as long this time.
8879615
You're welcome & dont worry, I'll wait if it does again
So... Pinkie has raw, mad sex with Maud... I’m slightly turned on by this
So.... That happen & it was fucking disturbing.... Not worth the wait at all...
9433590
What did you find disturbing about it?
9435963
Take a big f***ing guess
9436020
yeah, I'll admit that was a pretty stupid question to ask in hindsight.
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Ya think?
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I have to agree. Mind controlling Fluttershy was too far. Fluttershy should have just accepted her place by being a good little sub to Midnight.
This was a much better improvement than the Fluttershy chapter! It's an amazing, how creative Midnight is getting with the girls, now that's left is Sunset.
I hate the ending. I really do....
9701927
Is it because of the way I ended the chapter, or is it because It's just a bad ending?
9703382
Yes.
No n no no lol😄 Seriously thou. 😑 I hate how Sci Twi is gone, Midnight escaped being punished, and now Sci Twi is gone. Yes she merged but she no longer exists.
How her family going to take this and poor Sunset's heart is shattered, and the others can't vent their rage and injustice of it all as this new being is innocent.
with out even trying she got the last laugh.
After an unbelievable sex orgy battle for the ages, Twilight & Midnight are gone.... I didn't expect this (chapter) end the way it did, but it now adds a new element as well as a new change of fate with Aurora as (possibly) the bearer of Magic...
This felt rushed, since I was expecting for the story to continue with Aurora living her life, but this was a decent way to end this, but it could have been better.