• Member Since 15th Mar, 2017
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

FullmoonFan


Hello, I am a 13 year old boy living in the town of Hico. I have been writing a book for a good 6 months now. Hope you enjoy it as I post new chapters. Thanks for reading.

T

Fullmoon, a colt at the age of nine, lived in the Everfree Forest with his family, but one fateful night something happened to him, something that would change him, forever. Something has awoken inside him, something feral, and bloodthirsty.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 6 )
Comment posted by FullmoonFan deleted Last Tuesday
Comment posted by FullmoonFan deleted Last Tuesday

I am prone to having Writer's Block a lot so it might take a while though

Here's a tip to beat writer's block. Don't stop writing. No matter how hard it gets, don't let your fingers stop hitting the keyboard. Just write anything at all, no matter how bad it is. It's better to get absolute trash down then nothing at all. You can fix it later.

Also, don't start with a Author's note. Keep them to the end.

A manly voice shouted from downstairs.

Just tell us the character name. No need for "A manly voice".

down there Father!

Add a comma between "there" and "Father".

A colt shouted back.

Just say Fullmoon.

His father grunted, trotting upstairs and knocking violently at his door.

This should be part of the next paragraph because it's relating to Fullmoon's dad, not Fullmoon. Also, "Knocking" is present tense, stick to only one tense, in this case, past tense.

His father shouted once more.

This is entirely redundant by this point.

Eventually a mare walked out of a door across the hall.

Where is this in relation to what is going on? You haven't planted us in the scene yet. Also, who's the PoV character? Or is it omniscient PoV? That hasn't been clearly established yet.

worried for the safety of her son and husband.

Show, don't tell. Learn the meaning of that phrase. Study it. Research it. Learn how to do it. It's perhaps the best way to quickly improve your writing.

She tugged on the plaid dress the worried mother was wearing.

"She tugged on her mother's plaid dress" would be a better way to word this. Always try to go for the most clear option when writing.

The mother looked at her daughter Moonlight, slightly edging her to Fullmoon's door.

"Moonlight" here should have a comma before it. Or just delete the word, it is entirely redundant.

Her Mother and Father gave Moonlight a big hug, and slightly pushed her to the door. Moonlight gave a slight knock, only to get a huge scream.

There's so much wrong with this part. "Big hug", having "Slightly" and "Slight" shortly after each other and "only to get a huge scream" are the culprits. It sounds childish and awkward. Also, try not to repeat words like "Slightly" and "Slight" so soon after each other.

Fullmoon groaned, leaning on his door

I'm guessing at this point it's omniscient PoV, because so far it certainly hasn't been from Fullmoon's.

Eventually Fullmoon caved in, and unlocked his door.

Telling, not showing. Do the reverse.

Fullmoon was a nine year old pegasus with a dark red and bright red mane and tail, bright gray fur, and purple eyes. His sister on the other hand was ten years old with a completely purple mane and tail, red eyes, and gray fur.

No! I know you want to let people know what your characters look like, but this just isn't the way to do it. Work the descriptions naturally into the story. Don't just tell us this. Or just don't tell at all. After all, Fallout: Equestria never once describes what the protagonist looks like other then being a unicorn mare and her cutie mark.

with an arm around her

Uh, is this story anthro? Because it isn't tagged and there's nothing earlier to hint at that. Otherwise, the word you're looking for is foreleg.

He apologized

Oh, really? I didn't realise that when he said he was sorry he was apologising! (That was sarcasm, by the way.)

“The sky always looks so beautiful when the sun sets.”

1) Why is he talking to himself? 2) This whole paragraph really, really awkward.

A dark figure lunged out of the bush and rushed at Fullmoon, it’s red eyes thirsting for blood.

Uh... what? I get that you want this to be sudden. But it just doesn't work if you just write it without any buildup.

biting his wing in the process

Also, what? How does she just accidentally bite his wing?

beats of sweat running down her face as she saw a bite on his wing

Wow, how hard did she bite? Did she take a chunk out of it and Fullmoon somehow didn't notice?

If it was an accident, I won’t get mad at you for it. 

Was he expecting that Fullmoon asked someone to bite him or something?

patched up before it gets infected, then we’ll get you ready for bed

Seriously! How hard did she bite him!?

doubting his story

Repeat after me: Show, don't tell.

protecting me from a wolf that was sneaking up behind me

Was it a wolf? I thought only Azure saw it. Fullmoon seemed entirely clueless about it earlier.

He was nervous

Guess what the comment is. You'll get a happy Pinkie if you do.

if you say so Fullmoon

Comma before "Fullmoon".

making him yelp.

I know you mean Fullmoon yelped, but it currently reads like his dad is the one who yelped.

already soaked with dark red blood. 

It is odd that Fullmoon didn't notice how bad his wing was.

That should hold up temporarily, until we find something more permanent

Well, you've already established he isn't the best dad in the world...

Go on to bed now Fullmoon

Comma before "Fullmoon".

“Has my room always been a mess like this?” He asked himself, stumbling over toys and books. All of a sudden he started to feel weak, “U-Urgh… W-Why do I feel so tired all of a sudden…” He wobbled to his bed, laying down sloppily. “M-Maybe I just need some rest, that’s all…” He fell asleep rather quickly, now starting to run a fever.

This is bad. Remember the saying. The number 1 rule.

He hasn’t been bit much, and getting bitten by a pony is not common

Well, of course it's not common. And he hasn't been bit much? You were freaking out about it! There was blood everywhere! I think...

falling onto the ground once he tripped over.

How many times does he fall to the floor in the same paragraph? Too many. He never even got up between them.

sprout dark grey fur

Uh... He's already covered in fur. He's a pony.

THE REST OF THE CHAPTER

It... I don't even now how to describe it. It just didn't work. It was just a mess. There was no tension or emotion. There was no fear, sadness or anger. It just happened and I couldn't care less.

Also, for a 10 year old who's been frightened this whole time, Moonlight is surprisingly calm and vengeful. To suddenly go from cowing under the covers, to finding her parents mutilated corpses to becoming a werewolf hunter in the matter of minutes.

So, in conclusion. It's not the worse thing I've read. But you can do a lot better. Just keep practising. Learn more about writing and, most of all, read a lot of good stories and take note of how they are written and think about how you can make that work for yourself.

Comment posted by FullmoonFan deleted Last Wednesday
Comment posted by FullmoonFan deleted Last Wednesday

8551297
Nit picking mostly, but understandable.

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