• Member Since 17th Apr, 2017
  • offline last seen Aug 27th, 2022

MidnightShy21


If 'I love you' is a promise, would you break it if you're honest?

T

EDITED

Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Starlight Glimmer, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Sunset Shimmer, Fluttershy and Rarity have a sleepover at Pinkie’s house. They play all sorts of games, until Dash's friends read something unexpected. Pinkie decided it would be a good idea to make things worse for her.

Edited by Samantha❤❤💕💕
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/271383/ZuzuSky21

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 34 )

8536199
NUUUUU DON'T DIEEEE😭😭
THANK YOUUUUUUUU❤❤😘❤💕💕💕💕❤❤
YOU JUST MADE MY DAYYY OMGGGGGG❤❤❤

8536206
THANK YOU SO MUCHHH❤❤❤❤💕💕❤💕❤❤

8536215
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

8536215
THERE ARE NOT ENOUGHT HEARTS IN THE WORLD❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

8536224
💙💜💚🖤❤❤❤❤❤💙💜💙💙💚❤🖤💙❤💜💙💜❤❤💚🖤❤💚❤🖤💙❤💜💙💚❤💕💕💕❤💚🖤💙❤💜💕💜❤💙🖤💙💜💚💙💜💜💙💙💙🖤❤🖤💕💕❤

"Pink bra? I'd like to see that~"

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

8536266
❤ I'm glad I made you laugh😂

Hmm.
Well, English clearly isn't your first language, so I'll just say you need an editor and leave it at that. As to the story itself...

It's boring, it wanders all over the place pointlessly, and for supposedly being ABOUT a pink bra, it's only mentioned three times.

And why would Pinkie ask WHERE she got it? Pink bras aren't exactly rare. It's one of the three most common bra colors, in fact.

All in all, I'd say not enough thought went into this, and it just isn't very good.

8536287
Alright! Thank you for telling me what you think :).

8536287
I made some changes, I'll do the rest later. I hope you'll like it once I am finished.:)

Ok, well... You made Pinkie Pie annoying. That`s a thumb-down.

Made me chuckle. One thumbs up earned.

8536649
Okay, I appreciate your honesty.

Well... Where do I start? I don't think your grammar is that bad, at least not in this story in particular. The main problem is the execution. It's too fast-paced and sometimes even rather confusing. Pinkie's one of my favorite character but here... she's just plainly annoying. I think what you need is to flesh out your descriptions, it's a little bit too "mechanical", for example:

“Rarity!?” Pinkie walked into carousel boutique. Rarity was eating her breakfast. She swallowed her food and turned to look at her friend.

Where in the boutique is she eating her breakfast? What kind of food does she eat for her breakfast? What is she thinking at the moment? Set the scene and the surroundings, try to let the reader have a better visualization of what's happening. You can add words of transition in-between your descriptions, such as "however", "yet", "nonetheless", "but", "though", etc. There is also a technique called "show, don't tell", which could help you a lot, once mastered (that gets practice, like everything, of course). If you start doing this, you'll see your stories are going to improve very soon.

One of the positive aspect of the story was that when I read the dialogue, I could hear the voice of each of the girls at the same time, which means you've been able to make them sound believable, and that's a really interesting details.

I'll give you an upvote for encouragements! :heart:

(and I hope I haven't hurt your feelings in any way, know that it wasn't my attention if that's the case, :fluttercry:)

8537470
Nonono, of coarse you didn't hurt my feelings. I really appreciate your critism❤ . I'll change it as soon as I can.

8537475
It's a relief, then! :twilightsmile:

Have you read the site's Writing Guide? It could be very helpful.

Does it match with the pink panties?

8542927
Ohh yes😏😏
😂😂😂 You just made my day 😂😂😂

This is just too much lol, I loved it

EEEEEEE!
This story is amazing!!!
Actually' it is 20% cooler!
:heart: :rainbowkiss:

8547267
Really? Thank you so much❤❤💕💕❤

Mama likes, and mama wants another book as the squeal to this.

9316422
Haha, really? I'm personally not a big fan of this book. I'll think about it, it's just that I've been really busy lately and I've been working on my grammar. If I do decide to do a sequel, I'll let you know. Also, I'm not sure if you would like to read the slightly less horrible version of this story, but if you do, there's a remake of it on my current account.
(I can't get into my old account, so I hope you weren't confused about me replying on a different one) Anyways, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'll definitely keep this story in the back of my mind, and we'll see... There might be a sequel on my account in a while.

This is Hilarious! 😂😂💖💖💖 and I also love the story!

Pinkie knocked on the door to Twilight’s house. Spike opened the door and wagged his tail.

How did he open the door? He doesn't have hands nor fingers?

Login or register to comment