• Member Since 21st Aug, 2015
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

Helljumper206


I read what I want and wright what I want, you read me?!?!

T

A murder mystery of who killed Twilight Sparkle.


Read and follow the investigation, and see who can figure out the killer.


This is not the MLP story you know, many things are similar to the cast as it was in the show but many, MANY things are not.

My first attempt with the mystery tag.

One shot story

Dark tag for the setting.

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 4 )

I thing fluttershy did it because she was not interviewed

8572811
She made a great escape

if I was gonna guess who it was, it would be Big Macintosh.

Overall, the story has a good concept, but the execution doesn't live up to it. First, of course, is grammar. I dont mean misspelled words, that happens to everybody. but when I see this:

The weapon a large bread knife of all things, left bent and broken down Twilight as if it was piercing his last chance of life

...what does that mean? It... left bent and broken down... inside Twilight? by Twilight? Did it break Twilight? I thought its a knife, its not build for breaking stuff. and it pierced HIS last chance of life. Who is this explicitly male person? Is this a genderbent Twilight?

Anyway, it gives me the impression that you didn't proofread it. Whether or not that is true, I don't know. And I get it, proofreading sucks. alot. I hate doing it, It makes you feel horrible inside, but we still gotta do it.

Second, something else than grammar now:

Unicorns. One of the three pony races most common types of ponies in Equestria. They are the most powerful for their direct manipulation of magic that they can use due to the use of their horns collecting mana and releasing it to create all kinds of spells. They say the stronger the flow of magic in a unicorn the longer life they will have, some living close to a hundred and seventy five and the most. But nothing lasts forever... Another had fallen, Twilight Sparkle.

The first sentence of a story is the most important. Now, not every first sentence has to be amazing, but you should keep that in mind. Your first three sentences are used to tell us things everyone who will read this story already knows and the fourth sentence adds a detail that does not matter to your story in the slightest. You could have boiled this to a single sentence. "Twilight Sparkle is dead." It is short, and thus impactful.

You continue to explain the murder and I think you were unclear what tone you were going for... at first it was like an objective, removed narrator, but then it you used the words "our dear mare", like its from the perspective of someone knowing her personally, and THEN it flips to a tone I would expect someone to use when coldly and professionally summarizing the murder. It really goes all over the place.

Lastly, this:
Never know to be evil or hateful, always the student and friend

considering how basically everyone will tell us what a terrible pony this Twilight is, this seems... really, really out of the place. It reinforced the idea that although this is an alternate universe, its the Twilight we know. And then shes not. Was that deliberate? If so, I cannot tell what you were going for with this.

Sorry for how harsh that must sound, I'm not one to sugarcoat things, but I hope my criticism will help you in the future. :twilightblush:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!