What a lovely day! Celestia regretted that thought with a burning passion when she opened a fridge missing her favorite cake. Her blood boiled, she fought back the urge to destroy the entire room around her. Princess Celestia makes it her mission to find and destroy the runt that ate her cake.
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Who made the picture?
DAHNT STEAHL MAH CAHKE, BRADAH!!!!
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Amber Pendant, you should totally check out her deviantart!
https://amberpendant.deviantart.com/
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You've been warned! Never steal Celestia's cake! Ever!
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AAA! OK!!! I WONT!!! I PROMISE!!! PLEASE DONT HURT MEEEEE
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*Turns into Daybreaker*
You have been warned...
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*Broken, the terrified servant looks down meekly* Ye-yes, Maam. Im s-sorry, maam. Pease don't hurt me.
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Looks at you with a glare that would send chills down Sombra's spine,
"You'll be fine... As long... As you don't... touch... my... CAKE!"
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*Celestias rage proved to strong for the poor servant to handle, and they sadly turned to stone, never to see its loved ones again.
Hmm...
Alright, let me try to give my thoughts on this. The writing here isn't bad. It's not amazing either, but it's decent enough that it kept me wanting to read on. The style, however, is very odd. I can't really explain it, but... perhaps it's a mix of fairly limited vocabulary, lack of details (which I can excuse partly because this is a one-shot, but still), and very limited sentence structure. All of these should get better with time, but they were a bit bothersome in this story.
I'm unsure about the whole "Comedy" tag as well. This is more random than anything. Comedy implies that you are trying to make the reader laugh, or at least smile in spite of themselves. Now, I'm not necessarily saying that you're not funny, but I'm saying, rather, that this fic didn't even strike me as an attempt at comedy. That is, I see no comedy attempted to be made, so I cannot say whether you are funny or not because the jokes here are non-existent. The only part I could maybe see is Celestia breaking Luna's door (again), but that's about it.
The only other thing to mention is that you need to go through and edit this. There are too many mistakes to quote here, but giving it a once-over should do the story some good.
A good, random idea executed in an odd manner. Not a bad story, but not so good either. Left a like because the idea is good; plus, it's your first story on this account.
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You're feedback is extremely appreciated! Thank you!
You're very right now that I think about it, I should have put this on random instead of comedy.
I'm working on a bigger story as of current and it "should" have better detail. I really do appreciate and enjoy the feedback as I'm not the greatest writer and everything that you say helps.
But I'll say this, my vocabulary is pretty big, at least I think so, but I can never decide if I'm being too verbose or not using enough words. This always makes the end product pretty poor. I also don't have any proofreaders but myself, and I'm pretty horrible at catching silly mistakes.
However... This is NOT my first story on FIMFiction, I wrote a different one on another account years ago, but I'm positive if you read that one you would barf because of the horrible sentence structure and my poor vocabulary.
Anyways... Thanks again for your much appreciated feedback as every little bit of constructive criticism helps.
I am in the process of rewriting as I type this comment, I hope you enjoy it if you decide to read it again. Your feedback would be most appreciated.
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Right, right, I assumed that this probably wasn't your first story, so I made sure to add "on this account."
Anyways, I figured that, since you left your thoughts on a couple of my stories, I should repay the favor. And by all means, continue to read them. More feedback is always better!
I don't think that I'll reread this if you edit it. I got the main idea the first time, and it's really not a bad idea, generally speaking. If you made a whole re-write someday, however, feel free to contact me!
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I may or may not rewrite the entire thing, this was actually based on a three nouns writing prompt that gave me anger, cake, and castle. But thanks for taking the time to read it anyways. It is edited now if you do decide you wanna skim through it.
I have this idea to make daily one shots based on these three noun writing prompts. I'm almost done with todays. It is wisdom, island, and fishing boat. It should help me be able to sharpen up on my writing skills hopefully.