• Published 31st Oct 2017
  • 528 Views, 24 Comments

The Resurrectionists - Captain_Hairball



Skanky Biscuits acts like a mean pony, but all she wants is for her friends to be safe. Now they’re involved in experiments with near-death experiences! How can she protect them when they’re literally courting death?

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Chapter 1

Our story begins thirty years after the disappearance of the Two Sisters. It is the story of three young ponies and their souls. One soul stolen, one soul given, and one soul bargained for. Destiny (with a little bit of help) had brought them together at Smart Cookie University, outside the cold and windy city of Whinnyappolis.

—HRH Twilight Sparkle, The Flatline Incident


Skanky Biscuits levitated a can of Flim–Flam Light out of the pail of ice and yanked open the pull tab with her magic. She huddled against the back wall of the common room at Iota Beta Pi house, ears laid back against her skull. She wished she were somewhere else.

A large, rather plump orange unicorn slipped over next to her. “Hey, sugar coat. Can I get you something to drink?” said Smooth Operator. Skanky took a sip of her cider, looked at the can, and then looked at him. Smooth sailed right on with his routine. “You know, I think it’s okay that you’re here alone. Not every mare needs to be…”

“Smooth, if you start negging me, I will tear your balls off and shove them up your ass,” said Skanky.

“I was never here,” said Smooth, waving a hoof in front of his face and fading back into the crowd.

Skanky took another sip of her cider. It tasted vile. If she’d strung Smooth along for a little while, she could have gotten him to go out and get her something decent to drink.

“Hello, girlfriend!” Hearth and Home staggered towards her. The leggy pink earth pony mare reeked of cheap vodka. “You ready to get cray cray in the va jay jay?”

“Hearth, your va jay jay wouldn’t know cray cray if it was infested with it,” said Skanky. It was true. These Whinnyapolis Fillies thought heterosexual sodomy was a novelty. Skanky’s front half was happy to be out of Canterlot, but her back half would probably always miss it.

Hearth rolled her eyes. “Harmony, Skanky, why are you always such a bitch? I’m just trying to be your friend.”

Skanky sighed. “I don’t know. I was born this way. I don’t think there’s any hope for me.” She paused. “I am actually happy to see you.”

“Ah, you just need a hug.” Hearth lunged up on top of Skanky’s withers and wrapped her forelegs around her, nearly knocking her over. She pressed their bodies together side to side and held the hug for way, way too long.

“Easy, filly,” said Skanky, acutely aware of the casserole dish cutie mark pressed against her flank. Skanky had sounded Hearth and Home out about lesbianism to no avail. She was a carrot girl through and through. “Dammit, Hearth, I just wanted to get out of the editing booth, but anything would be better than this party.”

Hearth pulled away, but left a foreleg draped over Skanky’s withers. “It is pretty lame, I admit. Keg stands are so… like…”

“Sophomoric?” said Skanky.

“Yeah. That word. Especially when they’re being performed by actual sophomores.”

Ladies,” said Ether Brew, stepping over to them. “How are you enjoying the festivities?” The tan earth pony’s slicked-back black mane, thick glasses, and Erlenmeyer flask cutie mark created a first impression that further interactions with him did nothing to dispel. He was being tailed by a reedy wisp of an undergrad in a red gingham dress that left everything to the imagination.

Skanky floated a cider out of the ice bucket, opened it, and passed it to him. “We aren’t.”

“Thanks,” said Ether, taking the drink.

“The cider is terrible. I’m giving it to you because I hate you,” said Skanky, deadpan.

Ether took a swig, cringed, and spat a twig out of his mouth. “This is an unusually bad batch.”

Hearth rolled her eyes. “What are you even doing here, Ether? Isn’t this your Oubliettes and Ogres night?” she said.

“I’m looking for help with an experiment. An experiment whose nature I’d rather not make public. I need volunteers who understand discretion.

Skanky raised one hoof. “Um, I host a radio show?”

Ether smirked. “One that nopony listens to.”

Skanky fumed, but he wasn’t wrong. Broadcasting at 3:00 AM had its disadvantages.

Hearth’s eyes narrowed. “Is it a sex thing? Because if it’s a sex thing I’m not interested.”

“No. It is not a sex thing,” said Ether.

“Well does it involve mixing assorted chemicals?” said Hearth. “I like that type of experiment.”

“This is more of a psychological experiment.” Ether flicked his hoof at the two mares. “You’re always going on about how boring it is at SCU. I think what I have in mind will appeal to your jaded palettes. But by all means stay here if you prefer. There’s beer pong in the kitchen. And I hear Smooth Operator is making the rounds.”

Skanky scowled. Behind Ether, she saw a space clearing in the floor. One of the frat brothers climbed up on the couch with an acoustic guitar.

“Come on, Skanky, let’s do it,” said Hearth. “It can’t be any worse than this.”

✭☆✭☆✭☆✭

The four ponies struggled into their cold-weather things and headed out across campus. The moment Skanky stepped off the porch, freezing winds whipped across her body, tearing through her thick parka like it wasn’t even there. She steeled herself for the long walk uphill towards the Filly Sophia building. She’d come here for the documentary filmmaking MFA program — it was the best in Equestria, maybe the world. But living in Whinnyapolis was a sacrifice.

“It’s beautiful out tonight!” said Hearth, skipping ahead and packing a snowball with her bare hooves. “So warm!”

Skanky tried to duck, but her parka slowed her down and she got whacked right in the nose. “Hearth, you’re insane. It’s got to be ten below.”

“Twenty,” said Ether. “I went here for undergrad. Believe me, it’s usually much colder in December.”

Skanky wiped the snow crystals off her muzzle and trudged grimly forward. The quad was the worst — wind tore through the narrow spaces between the buildings and howled through the open square. There was no shelter, but going around would be five times as long a trip. But she had to admit, it was a very pretty night. Whinnyapolis was a small city and had nowhere near the light pollution of Canterlot or Manehattan. You could see thousands of stars, twinkling like crystal lights in the velvet sky.

“That one’s Betelgeuse,” said a sweet, shy voice behind her. It was that pegasus undergrad from earlier. Skanky hadn’t even realized she was still following them. “It’s a red giant. It’s huge — as big as half our solar system.”

“I’m sorry, which one?” said Skanky.

“The third one in Sharp Shooter’s bow. The angle of three stars?”

“I know the constellation,” said Skanky. She guessed that star did look a little bigger and more orange than the other two. Or was it just her imagination? “Are you an astronomy major or something?”

“Thanatology, actually. But I like looking at the sky. That there’s Sirius, there’s β Virginis, there’s Gilese 570, and there are the Hyades: Fomalhaut and Aldebaran, Hastur, Alar and Caracosa…”

“Okay, okay, I believe you.”

“That little one near the top of the student center is called Sol. They just discovered an exoplanet orbiting it that they think might be habitable! No signs of intelligent life, though.”

“You sound disappointed.”

“Oh, I so want to meet aliens!" The undergrad pronked along next to Skanky. "That would be the absolute best thing in the history of ever!”

The corner of Skanky’s mouth twitched a little. “Yeah? What if they invade us?”

“Worth it,” said the undergrad. She laughed nervously. Skanky laughed, too — at or with, she wasn’t sure. There was something charming in the little pegasus’ innocence and openness. Skanky wished she were more like that.

“Are you two coming? I’d feel pretty bad if you froze to death, but I’m getting tired of holding this door,” shouted Hearth.

Skanky and the undergrad ran for the door. There was a security guard behind a desk in the lobby — a dark brown earth pony in a blue uniform with an EUP insignia on the shoulder. “Guests, Ether?”

“Yeah, Overly. I’m taking them down to the Bunker to work on one of my projects.”

Overly glared at them, and slammed a sign-in sheet down on top of the monitors in front him. “You two need to be accompanied by either Ether Brew or Firmament at all times. You are only allowed in the Bunker and on the ground floor. If you are found on any other floor, you will be arrested. Do you understand.”

“Sure. Whatever you say,” said Skanky, levitating the pen and signing in.

“He’s a charmer,” she said as they walked towards the elevators.

“Oh, Overly Suspicious is just doing his job. He’s a great guy once you get to know him,” said Ether.

“What’s upstairs that’s so important?” asked Hearth, racing into the elevator after them.

“Awesome things. Wonderful things. Amazing things. Things you aren’t allowed to see.” Ether pulled out a key, and inserted it next to the plate labeled “SB”. Skanky noted that every floor except “G” had a keyhole instead of a button. When the doors opened again, they were in a small foyer with an airlock at the other end. One of the airlock doors — a massive black metal thing with a wheel and multiple deadbolts — was open. The other was a normal glass security door that Ether opened with his badge.

“What is this place?” asked Hearth.

“It’s the Bunker. It used to be a vault for keeping classified documents and important research personal safe in the event of Nightmare Moon’s return. Now that that’s not a concern anymore, it’s been converted into lab space. Our lab is down at the end of the hall. Stay close!”

The floor was a metal grate that made their hoof steps clank and rattle. The walls were old concrete slabs that looked like they hadn’t been washed in decades. Dim fluorescent lights flickered overhead.

“Oh my Harmony, Ether, this place is totes creeps,” said Hearth. “How do you even work down here?”

“Because there’s nothing dangerous down here. It’s just a basement.” Ether opened the second to last door on the left. It looked like a pretty normal laboratory — baby poop colored walls, grimy tile floor, white cabinets, steel sink, a rolling rack full of electronic equipment, and some folded up gurneys against the back wall. A round folding table with five chairs had been set up in the middle of the room. An earth pony with green fur and a black mane sat at the table, reading a book. He looked a little older than them; probably a Ph.D. candidate.

“Ether! I see you have brought us friends!” he said. “Allow me to introduce myself. I am Eternal Enigma, but you can call me Ernie. Has Ether told you the nature of our experiment tonight?”

“No,” said Skanky. She glanced at Firmament as the young pegasus rolled the cart of equipment closer to the table. Her frumpy little dress wasn’t as conservative as Skanky had first thought — it was short enough that she could see tantalizing flashes of white cotton panties under her tail.

Skanky looked back at Eternal. “I thought thanatology was part of the philosophy department.”

“That’s old thinking. The land of the dead is a real place that can be reached by our souls, if not by our bodies.” Eternal had some sort of gooey old world accent that Skanky couldn’t place. “Her highness Princess Luna wrote much on it before her disappearance. A realm that neighbors the dream domain, but which remained a mystery even to her. It is a new frontier, and a frontier demands explorers.”

“You know, I think I left the stove on,” said Skanky.

Eternal laughed. “Don’t worry. Tonight’s experiment is strictly psychological in nature. Ether, if you would?”

Ether pulled a wooden box down out of one of the cabinets. He opened it and removed a nasty-looking black revolver.

Hearth put her hooves to her mouth.

Skanky took a small step backward. “Holy Zacherle on a dildo bicycle! If I’d wanted to be hazed, I would have stayed at the frat house!”

Ether flicked the chamber open. Empty. “We don’t even have any ammunition for it.”

“What the gun is,” said Eternal, “is a symbol. This model is no use for hunting — it is a machine meant for one purpose alone: the killing of ponies. Please, sit.”

“I don’t know about this,” said Hearth.

Skanky smirked. “Whatever. I’m not going to pussy out now. Let’s at least see where he’s going with this.” She pulled out a chair and climbed up onto it.

“Our goal tonight is to collect data on what goes on in the minds of ponies when confronted with a symbol of their own demise. The device behind me is an electrothaumatogram, or ETG — first developed by her royal highness Twilight Sparkle for her investigations into earth pony magic. We will simulate a round of griffon roulette, and the ETG will record your responses to symbolically facing death.” He smiled. “If you wish to back out of the experiment at this point, I will quite understand.”

Skanky snorted. “Bring it on.”

Firmament attached electrodes to Ether’s head. Then she kissed him on the tip of his snout. Skanky felt a sudden, irrational flare of jealousy. She shouldn’t feel that way. Taking advantage of horny, emotionally immature undergrads was one of the perks of grad school. She had her own department to pick from. And she did. Oh, did she ever.

Firmament hooked up Eternal next, and then Skanky, then Hearth. She had very gentle hooves.

“Very good,” said Eternal. “Firmament, if you could get the consent forms and liability waivers before you hook yourself up?”

✭☆✭☆✭☆✭

Ether lifted the revolver off the center of the table and turned it towards himself. He closed his eyes, opened his mouth, pressed the muzzle against his soft palate, and pulled the trigger.

The hammer fell on an empty chamber. click

“Safe for you, Eternal,” said Ether, passing the gun to Eternal.

Skanky make a pouty kissing face at Ether. He sneered at her.

click

“Your turn, Miss Biscuits,” said Eternal, holding the gun towards her grip first. She levitated it out of his hoof and looked at it. It was ironically beautiful in the way that weapons sometimes are. Light gleamed on its smooth metal surfaces. It smelled like steel and oil. There was a rose engraved on the wood of its grip. She looked down the barrel, making sure it was really not loaded. There were spiraling lines on the inside, twisting down into darkness.

“What’s the matter? You wimping out, tough filly?” said Ether.

“Ether, please be respectful of our test subjects,” said Eternity warningly.

Skanky shoved the barrel in her mouth, closed her eyes, and pulled the trigger.

click

Nothing. Still here. She felt elated, almost high. Her heart slammed against her ribs. Her hoof shook as she passed the revolver to Hearth, who was shaking. Skanky leaned over next to her ear. “You don’t have to do it just because I am, you know.”

She shook her head. “Harmony, Skanky. I’m not trying to impress you. That would require me to think that you were cool in the first place.”

Skanky grinned. “There’s the Hearth I know.”

click

“Woo! That is how we do it down on the farm!” said Hearth, slamming one hoof down on the table and sliding the revolver to Firmament.

“Hearth, you’re from the suburbs,” said Skanky.

Firmament scooped the revolver up with her wing and pointed it at her mouth. Skanky struggled to suppress the urge to pluck the gun away from those pretty little lips.

Don’t do it, Skanky, she thought, She’s not gonna appreciate the gesture.

click

Firmament passed the gun back to Eternal.

“Very good,” he said, opening the revolver’s chamber. “Now, we will make things a bit more realistic.” He pulled a single bullet out of his pocket and loaded it into the chamber to the left of the barrel. “There are five of us. This bullet will not be fired. You are, of course, welcome not to participate in this round. Miss Biscuits, if you would like to start?”

Skanky sighed. He’d be last, this way. A nice gesture, she supposed. She levitated the gun hesitantly. She knew enough not to point a loaded gun at anypony she didn’t intend to kill. Well. She jammed the muzzle against the roof of her mouth and pulled the trigger.

click

Hearth pulled the gun out of Skanky’s magic with her hoof. She turned it and passed it grip first to Firmament. “Not this time. I know a thing or two about guns, and this isn’t safe. The first time wasn’t safe. This is idiotic.”

Eternal smiled at her benignly. “Quite all right. Firmament, if you would?”

Skanky closed her eyes and gritted her teeth. She would not jerk the gun away from her. She would not she would not.

click

Ether and Eternal pulled the trigger in turn.

“Very good," said Eternal. "This will provide us with excellent data.” He opened the chamber and unloaded the gun. “Plastic, by the way,” he said tapping the bullet on the table. “Quite safe.”

Skanky decided that she hated Eternal Enigma more than anypony else she’d ever met.