*Under revision*
Humans, a species that know nothing but fighting. But a letter sent by a mysterious person who claimed to have united humanity under a single banner has asked to talk politics and amendments to laws.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 28th Jul, 2017
- offline last seen Dec 22nd, 2019
LifeIsForPenguinHugs
I like stuff and things
LifeIsForPenguinHugs
Joined 28th Jul, 2017 ·
Offline
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.088 seconds
Total duration
1,068 users online
1,898,862 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
How do I know this story won't die after only one chapter?
8522877
I don't like when stories die.
Good story concept and moderately good writing. Only criticism I can say is it goes too quickly. Add. Bit of filler so the story isn’t just ‘walk 100 miles to canterlot the end’. Keep it up though
8525213
Thanks for the helpful criticism.
There are many mistakes here, a few spelling but one big one is the fact you wrote ‘convinent backstory’ in the story.
While I sounds kinda funny it takes poeple out of the experience of the story. Also don’t just put the location when switching characters POV. Put time of day and what town/city they are.
A peice of advice, don’t switch POV so quickly, at least write a dozen paragraphs of information or diologue before switching. Y you could’ve easily just lumped all the twilight parts into one big paragraph and it would have been better in my opinion.
And my final complaint is the pacing again. The human in th forest went from sound asleep to hunting in a single paragraph, stretch it out. Instead of saying ‘he wakes up then begrudgingly gets out of bed’ do it more like- ‘his eyes flutter open seeing the light filter through the canopy of the forest, giving it a heavenly look as he sits up, his bones popping after laying on the hard floor for so long-‘.
Other than those complaints This story is starting to feel nice. Keep it up.
8527710
Thanks for the advice, I've fixed the spelling errors that I found. Most of the time I write early in the morning or late at night as I'm spending most of my day in classes and writing a history paper (which I've recen turned in) and in future chapters I'll add more details and such. As for the "Convenient Backstory" it'll have to stay until I can find a better title for it.
I see many improvements in the story, I have yet to notice any spelling mistakes and the story remains interesting, but a few lingering problems and a few new ones.
1: tech, it wasn’t clear what tech level the humans are at. Medieval? Classical? Bronze Age? Crossbows were invented in the classical but popular in the medieval due to ease of training, but you spoke of bronze in your last chapters.
2: pacing again, the part between the poniescapturing the protagonist and the conversation before they sent the letter could easily be lengthened with details. Adding a chase scene which leads to his capture is an easy solution, also an explaination as to how the ponies knew he was a human dispute twilight having a hard time finding information about them.
3: the time and place. While adding it improves your story, don’t forget to use commas and periods. A solution I use is to separate time and date like this.
* canterlot castle*
* 3 Days after __, mid day*
Other than those complains the story is going along nicely. Though the conflict seems shoehorned in.
Message me if you’d like me to be an editor for you, is he happy to help you.
8532987
The way I want my story be is well, confusing. I don't want people to know why the King is thinking of these amazing ideas and how a species that was banging rocks together half a decade ago suddenly started to bang metal bits instead. And as for the editor idea I may take you up and that.
Should be
Canterlot Castle, Laboratory, Sunset.
Trebuchets were not as effective as you might think, took hundreds of stones to break down a single section of a wall. Ballista might have been a better option for the time. A gaint crossbow. Useful for siege and defence ontop of walls. Not to mention a good idea for dragon attacks.
A little nitpick i have that has nothing to do witht he story but just a bit of knowlege id like to add. It takes hundreds of years to domesticate animals, and only herbivores (or onminvores) could be domesticated due to the food at the time. It takes 10 pounds of grass to make 1 pound of beef (probably wrong but im making an example) and 10 pounds of beef for 1 pound of tiger meat. So why waste all that time for tiger meat when you can use cow meat. But do what you want. Id presonally just make timberwolves half photosynthetic and only eat things that can act as fertilizer like decomposing meat or plants. Manticores on the other hand are harder to use logic to tame so just say 'magic'.
I personally just like the word trebuchet, and with the accident of the crossbow the ballista is far off. The just say magic did it would be lazy and such, but natural magic in the air aided the process.
Great story mate! Keep up the spledid work!
8546806
Thanks!
Good job👍
Thanks, but I can't take all the credit.
I love this and i want to see more
8645047
Ok.
Poor ashton.
8687435
Yeah, I couldn't find a decent ending with him still around and I didn't want to simply through him out so he may be the mc of a side story down the line.
8688401
I can under stand that.
8689898
But do not fear he will get one more chapter before he goes away.
8690647
Noooo he neeed pony Love to heal like hugs nuzzles and cheek kisses.
8690849
Since Love is considered magic and iron/steel is known to be magic resistant i could do many a thing with it.
Ashton
8707600
Oh hush, he will love on in my brain and later a side story. Now hush up.
8709168
8709178
I said hush up dammit! Great now you're making me sound like my father.
What's the alternate universe tag for?
8796552
I'm going to be honest I don't know but it sounded good.
That's a very uh , shortened? Version of Jesus story.
8932395
I couldn't memorize the New Testament and the Old Testament so I said heck it, time to condense.
I saw Axtons name mentioned here a few time. Was it a mistake?
8958098
Yes it was, I'll fix it at a later date. Before I do more chapters I plan to revise/edit. I'll be doing that this week end.
8958098
Yes it was, I'll fix it at a later date. Before I do more chapters I plan to revise/edit. I'll be doing that this week end.