To Love a Grump

After spending time with the Dazzlings, Sunset falls in love with Aria. She wants nothing more than for the siren to be happy, problem is, Aria isn't a happy person.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 15 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 15
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Chaos Nightmare

Chaos Nightmare #1 · Oct 25th, 2017 · · ·

Leviathan Jaeger

Leviathan Jaeger #2 · Oct 25th, 2017 · · ·

8510921
I thought about them after everything was done

forbloodysummer

forbloodysummer #3 · Oct 26th, 2017 · 1 · ·

The world needs far more SunAria, they can be wonderful together

Rhulain

Rhulain #4 · Oct 26th, 2017 · 2 · ·

Haven't read yet, just wanna say, this is my OTP. Most people like Sundagio, but Sunaria is where it's at.

OmniFox

OmniFox #5 · Oct 26th, 2017 · · ·

We know Sunset has her own place so what if she let the Dazzlings live there with her?

forbloodysummer

forbloodysummer #6 · Oct 26th, 2017 · 1 · ·

8511028 For realzies!

Rhulain

Rhulain #7 · Oct 26th, 2017 · 2 · ·

8511057
Reformed grump and not quite reformed grump. Perfect pair

NaiadSagaIotaOar

NaiadSagaIotaOar #8 · Oct 26th, 2017 · 2 · ·

Sunset enjoyed their company.

Aria did like riding on the bike, one of the few things she did really enjoy.

Aria couldn't believe what she was hearing, someone actually loved her.

No words could express how happy she was to hear her say that.

Those sections I quoted are technically fine. There’s nothing intrinsically wrong about them, but they’re fairly weak. The fimfiction writing guide (Which I cannot recommend enough, by the way) has a section called “Show, don’t tell,” that you might want to take a look at. Basically, if your characters are feeling something, coming out and saying what they’re feeling is usually really vague. Saying that, say, Aria’s angry doesn’t really give your readers much of an image to imagine. If a character’s feeling something, think about conveying it indirectly instead. Just as a quick example, compare these two paragraphs:

”I hate you,” Aria said. She was very angry.

Aria scowled, casting a venomous glare. “I hate you,” she hissed.

Really simple, obviously, and there are many other things you could do, but I’d like to think that when you read the second one, you could tell that Aria was feeling pretty angry, but the body language makes for a stronger image, and that kind of thing can help your character’s emotions seem more vivid and lifelike, which is rarely a bad thing.

There are times when you were kinda doing this already. Here, for example:

She stood there for what seemed like hours, going from thinking about the cruise to thinking about happy Aria. She finally made up her mind and entered the store.

That was nice. That was a decent way to show what Sunset was feeling.

As a whole, I think this story is fine, but you’re writing romance, and romance is all about emotion. Learning to portray emotions vividly is what will make your writing better than just fine.

Rose Quill

Rose Quill #9 · Jan 2nd, 2018 · 1 · ·

Good concept, nice delivery, but I’ll agree with NaiadSagaIotaOar that parts were a bit weak. I still have that issue myself, so don’t fret.

Nice. Have a like!

Leviathan Jaeger

Leviathan Jaeger #10 · Jan 3rd, 2018 · · ·

8644173
I'm glad you still enjoyed it despite the weak parts. If you wanted to, you could try out Bad Girls Unite, it was my second attempt at the couple.

Snowflake Dissonance