Being a brony is awesome, but I'm really a nerd at heart and look forward to this site! Also, I'm writing again, so new stories are a thing!!! (Updated 11/3/17)
This is a tribute to all unholy IC's, and more importantly, to all phantoms of the night.
Shadow Storm is a mystery, from birth he was a ward of the state, and now he's living a so-called peaceful life. That is, until his hidden past comes to haunt him....
(Warning, might turn slightly graphic if the need shows itself)
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Don't forget comments!!!!!!!!!
*starts reading because nothing else to read... Till Friday at least*
Okay, it's time for some writing advice!
This, is simply an info dump. Not only that, but it is– no offense –a terrible one. The spelling is great (unlike some writers I know), and the grammar is decent enough, but... It is a bit too... Technical? It seems to be just describing the scene... Robotically. Put some creativity into it! For example–
Or alternatively, I could completely rewrite it (even if getting a few facts wrong, as I have yet to read any further) and say something like–
Okay! This was... Terribly short for a chapter. Honestly, try to keep each chapter a minimum of one thousand words. It isn't a requirement, unless you are making a one shot, but still... If you can't extend it, then perhaps try merging it with the next one.
That all said, I am definitely not lost, like I was in your other one, barely being able to figure out what was happening, so that is certainly an improvement!
Oh, and please, change both the long and short description. There is no way in all Heck that you will lure in any form of reader. Then again, you are going to need practice before you can really keep any readers you lure in. I am of course, an exception to the rule, but this is all besides the point. The point is, when you get done writing something, be it a description, blog, chapter, or character bio, read it and ask yourself this question– if this were written by somepony else, and I were to stumble across it, would I give it a like? A favorite? Would I even read it? –remember to answer honestly. Self bias is a mere few steps below a closed mind. And having a closed mind would mean never taking any advice, viewing your work as perfect, and in no need of improvement... Even when that is clearly not the truth.
Anyways, enough chit chat, I'm tired. See you later, I guess.
Uhh......... Wut? This blade guy is a changeling, I take it? And honestly, you are writing this like a news article. Flavorless, and to the point, telling me what is happening exactly... Up until the end, I was lost... Again. Like I said before, put some creativity into it! Don't just state what is happening, but make it feel like it actually is happening!
Wait, no. Blade isn't the name of a character, and it was Shadow who changed. Okay... So, what I said earlier still applies, I guess.
So... I will say again... Wut? Not “what?”, but “wut?” that is the level of confusion I am at. So... I guess that is little big Mac, and his father? Or some visiting Apple relatives? Changelings aren't that rare so... No clue on what he is.
I don't even know what is going on anymore. I... Wut?
Let's... Let's work on one thing at a time here. Try to get better at writing, not just the what, but the how things are happening. I already gave an example in my first comment and... Well, I'm off to do stuff. See you later.
8580707
Thanks, I'll be sure to fix it!
8581680
Heard, and being accounted for
8581705
Welp, not changeling, and I'm fixing all three right now
8584004
Rereading this chapter, it is definitely an improvement. Not a humongous one, but one none the less, and practice makes perfect.
Also, seeing that you didn't just copy–pasted how I wrote the first chapter. It is good to see that you do have some creativity in you, and would rather actually work and rewrite something, rather than take off somepony else. In any case, off to reread the next chapters for any changes.
Once again, somewhat better. And I can understand what was going on in the end without having to actually think hard about it. That said, keep writing, I’ll keep giving tips, and you'll get better as you go.
Didn't notice any changes here. Still don't know what he is, I have a couple guesses more than I did when I first read this yesterday, but both would have plotholes out the wazoo if it was the case, so... Not a clue.
...Okay, the short description actually got me hooked. If I didn't see this story before, and came across that, I honestly might have looked into it. That said, just keep doing what you did there, just in the actual story.
8598340
Got it, and fixing still XD it's hard work!!!!
8604145
Noted.
I noticed some improvements. Like how you said the Pegasus's name... Without it being in an info-dumpy way. And a few odds and ends. You are getting better, but there is definitely room for improvement. Keep writing, and you will get better as practice makes perfect.
Honestly, this goes far to fast. You barely spend a few hundred words on any one scene.
I'd advise reading more, and I mean professional works, or at least really good, non one shot fanfics. You could get to know how stories are usually paced, and the like. Then read some of this, and compare it.
Hard to know how to improve, if you don't know what counts as good.
Woah woah woah! Okay, first things first, we the readers, (and by that, I sadly mean I, your sole reader) don't know shit about Shadow, one moment he's a bat pony, the next a unicorn, and now this stuff is coming up.
Look, we only know what you write, and it's not like we can physically access your thoughts to even have a clue where this story could head, let alone where we want it to, which brings this to my next point.
You want to make this “interactive”!? Look, no offense, but you are below decent when it comes to your writing skill. I read your work despite that, because I like to help writers, especially bad ones, become better writers.
So if you jump from scene to scene, not giving us a clue as to what is going on, and keeping this far too rushed... Well, one moment he's a bat pony going to a night club, the next he is going to talk to a manager, who throws blades at him for whatever reason. And then he becomes a unicorn, because he wasn't really a bat pony all along. And then... For whatever reason, he wakes up in a dungeon, escapes, and... Now is apparently hallucinating something that seems to be completely irrelevant to whatever the heck was just happening.
And all of this in, what, a couple thousand words?
Look. Let's do this one thing at a time. Perhaps you should start by reading, top to bottom, the writing guide.
https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide
Once you have done that, then we can take this one thing at a time. I will make you a better writer, but only if you let me.