My Little Person: The Strange Case of Lyle Hartman

by Fernin

Practice...

Despite my best efforts to look calm and nonchalant, I felt a grin slowly stretching across my muzzle as Bon Bon and I trotted through town. The cream-colored earth pony led the way, but I felt almost as though I didn’t need a guide. Here was the town and citizenry I had been watching for so many episodes, now in full living color. I certainly hadn’t been expecting to see Ponyville from this perspective, but seeing it I was!

The sights! The sounds! The smells! I was doing my best not to fanboy up a storm, but the sensations of actually being in a place I had only ever seen on a screen were hard to ignore. Here, a young pink unicorn filly bounced a ball down the street while singing a happy song I couldn’t quite make out. There, a powerfully-built, deep red earth pony—wow, was that Big Macintosh?—strained to pull a rumbling cart down the street. The heavily laden wagon was full to the brim with apples, so fragrant and sweet that I could smell them even from a stone’s throw away… although perhaps that was only thanks to Lyra’s more sensitive pony nose.

If this situation had been like one of those silly “human in Equestria” fanfics I’d read (yes, yes, and written, too), now would have been a great time for me to go galloping all over town, seeing the famous landmarks and meeting important ponies from the show. Perhaps Rarity could have given me one of her gem-studded, fashionable designs—although in all honesty, I’d always found her work to be a bit overdone. Maybe I could have sprinted up to Big Mac and scored a few of those wonderful apples from Sweet Apple Acres. I might even have dropped by Sugarcube Corner to get a few muffins, then split them with Ditzy Doo when she took her lunch break... But no.

Turning back to my guide, it was easy to remember why I couldn’t—or shouldn’t—do any of those things right now. Bon Bon was glancing back at me, her face carefully neutral… but I could see the worried look in those big, blue eyes. What kind of fan of My Little Pony would I be if I put Bon Bon’s happiness second to my own selfish desire to be the new man about town—sorry, mare about town? She hadn’t done anything to deserve the current situation. No. Straight to Twilight’s I would go.

As if on cue, Bon Bon and I rounded a building and the Books and Branches Library was in full view. Thankfully I retained enough self control not to shout out something like, ‘Sweet Celestia, will you look at that,’ but my muzzle was probably sporting as wide a grin as it was possible for Lyra’s face to have. I looked up at the tree-slash-library-slash-house with the kind of awe that more normal people might have reserved for architectural masterpieces. I was probably more excited now than I’d been to see the Seattle Space Needle. Okay, I was definitely more excited.

Bon Bon had no such reverence for a building she probably saw most days of the week. She trotted right up to the door, leaving me a few feet back where I continued goggling at the way the entire library had been carved right out of the wood of the living tree. After only a few sharp raps with her hoof, the door opened to show a small, scaly biped with tall green ridges down his back. It was Spike. He yawned, rubbing his eyes a bit as he stared blearily out at what must have been the library’s first two visitors of the day. “Oh… Hey Bon Bon. Hey Lyra.”

“Spike,” Bon Bon acknowledged with a nod. “Is Twilight there?”

I had resolved to myself that I wasn’t going to do anything too crazy when it came to meeting any of the main characters of the show. All right. This wouldn’t be too bad. All I had to do was stay cool and not start asking a bunch of questions, make any in-jokes just to see the look on Spike’s face, or generally make a complete ass out of myself. This should be easy, right? Right?

The little purple dragon cleared his throat. He was staring at me in askance. “Hey, Lyra. Are you going to come inside? Only, Twilight gets mad at me if I just leave the door open…”

“Whoops, heh heh… yeah. Sorry, Spike.” Oh right, ‘Lyra’ was me for anyone not in the know. Shaking my head to clear it, I realized I had been standing and staring fixedly at Spike for what might have been an uncomfortable length of time for the little dragon. Bon Bon had already gone inside who knew how long before, so I quickly followed.

Stepping into the library was like walking into a cathedral dedicated to knowledge. The soft, tangy smell of the living tree’s sap was but a faint undertone, like a hint of incense in the air. The overwhelming musty scent of hundreds upon hundreds of books made the atmosphere seem almost oppressive. Despite my conscious efforts to quiet my steps to something respectful, my hooves rang loud on the wooden floor as I approached Bon Bon and the lavender unicorn… Twilight Sparkle.

Both Twilight and Bon Bon already had their heads bent in close conversation when I approached. Their voices were low—this was a library, after all, I supposed—so I only caught a few snippets of the conversation.

“…Any idea what caused it this…?” Twilight was asking when she suddenly noticed my presence.

Celestia’s faithful student shifted conversational gears, grinning awkwardly—so adorkable!—and waving a hoof in my direction. “Oh! H-hey, Lyra…”

“Er, hey. Um. So how much has Bon Bon filled you in on… this?” I waved one foreleg at myself, trying to be as expressive as possible without actually having to say it. While I knew intellectually that I was a human trapped in Lyra’s body, it definitely wasn’t something I could say without feeling extremely silly.

Twilight nodded slowly as though thinking about my question. Finding myself trying to avoid her studious and probing gaze, I glanced back at Spike. He was busying himself re-shelving a large pile of books, but was obviously doing his best to keep one ear trained to the conversation across the room. Twilight noticed it too and reacted at once with a raised, almost motherly voice. “Spike!”

“Yes Twilight?” replied the little dragon. He grinned, trying to look innocent despite his poorly disguised eavesdropping attempts.

The purple unicorn gave me a wink and turned back to her Number One Assistant. “I’ve just remembered a few errands you need to run for me, and I’d like you to get started as soon as you can.”

“Errands? But I don’t remember you mentioning any…” Spike’s protest died on his lips. He sighed. “What do I need to do now—Whoah!”

In a sudden flash of amethyst energy, a scroll appeared and dropped onto Spike’s unprepared head. He hit the floor with a surprised cry as the long ‘To Do’ list unspooled comically across the wooden planks. None the worse for wear, the little dragon pushed himself up and looked at the first entry. “Sweet Apple Acres?! But that’s all the way over—”

“Spike,” Twilight prompted firmly, “why don’t you read the second entry on the list?”

Spike’s green eyes widened as he read down the parchment. He looked up, his face breaking into a wide, toothy grin. “You can rely on me, Twilight! Number One Assistant Spike, awayyyyy!”

The little dragon threw us a regulation salute and raced out the door. We three watched as the dangling end of the list jerked taut and followed the dragon out the still-open entrance. After a moment Twilight sighed. Her horn flared, closing the door gently.

“What exactly did you put on that list, Twilight?” Bon Bon asked, still staring in the direction the baby dragon had run. He’d practically left a purple and green streak in the air.

Seeing the slight smile on Twilight’s face, I hazarded a guess. “Something involving Rarity, right?”

“Yes. After he finishes at Sweet Apple Acres, he’ll be doing odd jobs for her for the rest of the morning,” Twilight confirmed.

The lavender unicorn turned to Bon Bon and continued, “Actually though, Bon Bon, could you help me? I need you to go give Rarity a heads up about it so she isn’t surprised when Spike shows up.”

Twilight Sparkle, you are a clever, clever pony. I was still shaking my head in amazement when Bon Bon nodded and said, “A-all right. If you think that would be best. Should I come back here afterwards?”

“Oh, yes please. I’ll just be talking with our friend, here.” Twilight smiled and nodded towards me as the cream-colored earth pony turned to head for the door.

I felt a sudden pang of fear at the thought of Bon Bon leaving me alone with Twilight. While I may not have known Bon Bon for more than the morning, it still seemed like the blue-eyed mare was closest thing I had to a friend here in Ponyville—and now she was walking out the door. I gave her a furtive wave. “You’ll… You’ll be back soon, right Bon Bon?”

“Of course. Don’t worry, I’ve filled Twilight Sparkle in on… all this,” Bon Bon said reassuringly.

Twilight Sparkle was quick to support the other mare. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve already gotten all I need from her for now. I just need to ask you a few questions so I can better understand what’s going on.”

“Well, all right…” I allowed, waving one hoof uneasily at Bon Bon as the earth pony trotted off in the direction of the Carousel Boutique.

The door closed again, and Twilight nodded in satisfaction. “All right, Lyle. Just give me a minute to get ready and we can begin.”

“Yeah, sure. No problem.” I sat down on my haunches and waited. If I’d still had thumbs, I would have twiddled them. As it was, I whistled tunelessly and mulled over my situation in a vain attempt to straighten my thoughts into the most sensible order for Twilight’s questioning. It was a bit pointless, of course; I didn’t even know what she would ask…

So, Twilight already knew my name. But how much could Bon Bon really have told her in the minute or two that it had taken me to enter the library? Well, it wasn’t as though I had a wide variety of choices here, regardless. What was I going to do, go straight to Princess Celestia? ‘Oh hey, supreme ruler of the land! You rarely interfere in the lives of your subjects but I’d like you to make a special exception for me! Well no, I’m not one of your actual subjects at all; I just stole this body by accident somehow. What’s that, Princess? To the moon with me?’

By the time I’d finished imagining Princess Celestia banishing me to the moon either for possessing one of her subjects or for wasting her time, Twilight Sparkle had gotten her things prepared. Despite the situation I found myself fighting down a grin again. There was Twilight, little librarian glasses perched precariously atop her cute muzzle and long purple mane done up in a tight bun. She patted her psychiatrist’s couch—where had she even gotten that thing?—and smiled confidently. “Could you lie down here, please? I’d like you to feel as relaxed as possible.”

“Thanks, I guess. What do you want to know?” I asked. I settled gratefully onto the couch, leaning against the backrest and swinging one foreleg over to stretch my back out. Ah, that was better. Walking around on all fours may have been normal for Lyra’s body, but it was unnatural as all get out to my mind. I leaned to one side and stretched to drive away the ghosts of mental fatigue, trying to ignore the exasperated look Twilight was giving me.

Seeming a bit flustered, Twilight drew out a notepad with her magic and poised a pencil over its blank surface. “Yes… Um. Where to begin… You say you’re Lyle Hartman, a human, but are trapped in Lyra Heartstrings’ body. Right?”

“Well, yes. That’s pretty much it,” I agreed. I felt my ears drooping a bit as I frowned. This was a serious situation, why did it always sound so ridiculous when someone—somepony, whatever—said it aloud?

Twilight made a few notes and continued. “Could you tell me a little about yourself?”

I thought about that for a minute. “I… what do you mean? Like, where I live, what I do for work, that kind of thing? Favorite foods?”

“Yes, please.” Pencil poised, Twilight listened attentively as I struggled to explain my life. Who, really, has his life story in a nutshell ready to recite on command? I did as good a job as I could manage. I skipped over large chunks of my early life in Nebraska and minimized the details on my college days; the purple unicorn was probably more worried about recent events rather than ancient history. Besides, my employment at Delphi was certainly more interesting. It’s amazing the kind of craziness you can get up to at a software company, sometimes.

Twilight had filled up several pages by the time my impromptu autobiography wound to a close. I’d been forced to backtrack a few times when I realized I’d forgotten to mention something important—for instance, my allergy to shrimp and how that related to my first taste of sushi at the ‘welcome to Delphi Software’ party that Ralph had thrown for me—but was pretty satisfied; I was sure I had covered most of the important highlights.

“Anything else?” I asked solicitously. “I’m not really sure how that helps, but I hope it does… So, what next?”

The only sound in the library was the quiet rustling of pages as Twilight Sparkle peered through her glasses, her lavender eyes reading over her notes and comparing them to another stack of papers resting next to her on the floor. She looked from the tight, neat script on the notebook to the voluminous pile of paper and back again. Not sure what else to do, I waited in silence as she reviewed both documents.

“Lyle,” Twilight started. She paused for a moment and tried again. “Lyle, what would you say if I said I already knew everything you’ve just told me?”

Twilight seemed ill at ease—but any anxiety on her part was nothing compared to what must have been showing on my face. My mouth worked for a minute before any sounds came out. “…Excuse me?”

“Have a look at these,” Twilight Sparkle directed. Lifting the large stack of papers with her magic, she passed them to me. I started to take them awkwardly in both hooves before remembering my own magic.

A greenish glow covered the papers and they floated up to my eyes. I started to read the first page. “My Little Person: Software is Magic. Episode 1: Software is Magic, Part 1… Plot Synopsis… Lyle Hartman graduates from Nebraska Sta—What the hell is this?!”

“It’s the scripts for the entire first season of My Little Person: Software is Magic,” Twilight said with a sigh. She misinterpreted my expression and hastened to add, “They’re not mine. Spike loves the show. I just watch it with him. Sometimes. Rarely. Don’t look at me like that! It’s a good show, even if it is made for little fillies.”

I flipped through a few more pages, skimming the documents line by line. There was no possible way that Twilight could have written all this up as I was talking. Unless she was a mind reader, not even magic could have gotten to the level of detail that this script had. Every single important or exciting event in my entire employment at Delphi was here: the office Christmas party. That time Stan and dragged me into downtown Seattle to score some tickets for the Seahawks game and we nearly ended up in jail. The weekend when Ralph had gotten all of us completely wasted and we’d woken up two days later in the office with half of the program module written in Pig Latin instead of C++… Everything was here. Everything.

My anger started to rise. The green nimbus around the big stack of papers flickered out as I lost my concentration thanks to the roiling emotions inside me. I felt sick. I felt like I wanted to lash out. And there was Twilight, looking as cute as ever—but somehow that didn’t soothe me as much as it might have a moment before.

“Twilight Sparkle! Are you kidding me? You’ve been spying on us?!” I cried, my voice almost a snarl. It was the only logical explanation. Never mind that the pot was calling the kettle black, here; I was pissed.

“No! No, I’m not, Lyle. Nopony is. You don’t understand,” Twilight said, dropping her notebook and moving forward in a vain attempt to placate me.

I was about to make another angry retort, but I managed to rein myself in. Hah, look at me. Another pony joke; I’m so witty. Somehow I didn’t feel like laughing at the time. I drew a deep breath and sighed, rubbing my muzzle—Lyra’s muzzle—with one hoof. “…No. Yelling at you isn’t going to do anything constructive. I’m… I’m sorry, Twilight. It’s just kind of a shock. And here I thought we were the ones spying on you. I guess this makes it more fair, ha ha.”

“…Sure. Now, Lyle—” Twilight started, but I wasn’t finished.

“Look, Twilight,” I cut in before the unicorn could complete her thought. “You’re probably the only one who can help me here, short of Princess Celestia or Princess Luna or someone. Somepony, I mean. Being here is great and I bet could have a lot of fun, but… I’m pretty sure I’m really messing up Lyra’s life while being here. Not to mention Bon Bon’s. If you can just help me get home, I’m sure we’d all really appreciate it.”

There was a knock at the door. Twilight seemed almost relieved for the break from our conversation—especially when the visitor turned out to be Bon Bon. The earth pony entered with a hopeful smile… that soon turned to a worried frown when she took in the anguished atmosphere of the room. Twilight looked frazzled. I couldn’t even begin to describe how I must have looked.

“Twilight!” Bon Bon exclaimed. “Is she..?”

“Still thinks she’s Lyle Hartman, yes,” Twilight sighed. “I thought for sure showing her all the scripts would help.”

My mouth dropped open in shock. ‘Thinks she’s Lyle..?’ But the conversation continued before I could find my voice again. Bon Bon sighed. “I should have told you this earlier… When I came downstairs this morning she was already watching an episode. I didn’t think telling you that would help…”

“You what?!” I managed at last. Neither mare seemed to notice.

Twilight shrugged in exasperation. “It might have, Bon Bon. But I’m not out of tricks yet. Let me try one more thing…”

By this point I was already off the couch and trotting towards the door as fast as my legs—my hind legs, thank you very much—could carry me. Twilight cantered forward and blocked my path. “Hold on a minute, Lyle…”

“Don’t you mean Lyra?” I accused, pointing one angry forehoof at her muzzle. “That’s who you think I am, isn’t it? You think Lyra’s just gone nuts! Well I don’t know if she’s nuts, but I’m as sane as the next man!”

“Lyle, if you would just listen!” the purple unicorn exclaimed.

“Why? You’re not listening to me. This is just like that time with you and Pinkie Pie’s ‘Pinkie Sense!’ If you can’t poke it with a stick or read about it in a book, you don’t think it’s real!” I started to edge around Twilight Sparkle, watching her warily. I couldn’t believe it. She had been leading me on this entire time hoping somehow to logic me into believing I was crazy.

I turned to Bon Bon, looking for support. “Bon Bon. You believe me, don’t you? Why would Lyra do something like this to you? Come on.”

“I don’t know why, Lyra,” Bon Bon sighed. “I just want you back.”

I found myself blinking back hot, angry tears. Yeah, real manly. Well, I didn’t care. This was the kind of close-minded junk I expected from the real world, not the characters of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Now here I was in Ponyville, trying to make things right after accidentally screwing up two ponies’ lives, and this was happening.

“Look,” Twilight broke in desperately. “If you would just let me talk, Lyra—er, Lyle. Think about it. Do you even really know how to program, or do you just know what you remember—ah!”

Before either mare could react, I bolted for the door. I tripped on a loose floorboard, but went to all fours and transitioned effortlessly from a run into a gallop. I could hear Bon Bon shouting something from the door of the library, but I ignored her and kept up my pace.

My mad, aimless flight finally slowed when I ran out of breath, energy, and tears at roughly the same time. I slowed from a gallop to a canter, then to a trot. Still breathing hard, I looked around. It would have been cliché if I had found myself deep in the Everfree Forest, or at Fluttershy’s hut, or at Sweet Apple Acres, or some major landmark of the show. Instead, I was simply in a park.

Head hung low, I walked down green, grassy paths and tried to think about what to do now. I felt too numb to come up with a reasonable plan. What did I know about dimension-hopping, or brain-switching, or whatever? Not a blessed thing. And apparently Twilight Sparkle didn’t either, or else she might actually have taken me seriously. I wanted to raise my fists to the sky and scream—oh right. No fists.

I contented myself with sprawling out on a park bench. I stared out at the peaceful fountain before me and sighed. Well. Whatever else happened, it looked like Lyra and I would be solving our own problems for the time being. And if that wasn’t enough… well, I had better start learning to enjoy the flavor of grass, and Lyra, wherever she was, had better acquire a taste for margaritas and Chinese takeout.

Comments

[Flutterbreeze]

And the much anticipated update has come at last! You have not disappointed me.

[Jigoku Luna]

Another great update!

I feel that while Lyra is having the time of her time but unlike him is pretending to him. Please show us what is going with Lyra for I'm interested to read.

[gapaot]

You know, it's one of the best things I EVER read. ANd it comes from man who read like thousands of fics. You took cliche, and made it COMPLETELY AWESOME! Double-way shows (MLP-MLH, Lyra and Lyle, body-switch) and FINALLY ponies think main hero is nuts and do not believe him! It's perfect and make complete sense, I mean, if my friend will start talking that he's a pony, or dunno, Chingis-Khan, I'll think he went crazy and do not believe him 'just because'. Tracking.

Love ya! You're awesome!

[Rated Ponystar]

Keep it up man. I think your doing fine.

[Yasahiro]

It was late when I skimmed this but I have one question.
 "Do you even really know how to program, or do you just know what you remember"
Which means that along with TVs pOnies have computers... And lyle should KNOW how to program from what I've seen so... Couldn't he have proven that?

[Grez the Lizard Lord]

Wow, this is great! Fantastic job on taking annoying cliches and turning it into something hilarious and compelling; definitely tracking.

[Corona Blaze]

More.

I want MORE!!!

I can haz more, please?

I'll start speaking latin soon, seriously.

You won't like me when I'm speaking latin.

just...please update!

[soundblast]

Wait that means Lyra is on earth wreaking havoc

[Clockwise Gear]

Mutually Fictional? You have my attention.

[tsaukpaetra]

Actually, iteration through show secrets would also have been a good rebuttal...