• Member Since 7th Oct, 2016
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Sandstorm94


A ling from the southeast US, support me on Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/sandstorm94/overview

T
Source

Everypony knows about the tale of how Discord was reformed, and being friends with the Guardians of Harmony helped convince the citizens quicker. However when an urge to cause some chaos hits him, and since most of his methods have a counter, he goes for a method that will bring about maximum chaos...

and the apocalypse...

Chapters (3)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 4 )

:raritywink: So far it's quite interesting! I wonder of Discord has been taken over by his own magic. Since he seemed conflicted about his actions.

For many eons ago

An eon could be a billion years. Equestria's history is, generally, several thousand years long at most. My point being, an eon is a bit much unless Discord is wanting to work with primeval bacteria.

Reading this, I'm off put to some extent. The writing could stand to be a bit more grounded, building the scene up and such.

King Gale’s mind crashed and rebooted several times, for he was actually stumped. It took several minutes for him to formulate a plan that would be satisfactory enough to suit the populous. “I got a solution, it was a dormant strategy from our war with the dragons that finally went off. Considering the war is over and we have not seen the dragons since, there is no need to panic and instead focus on rebuilding.”

This is what my professor likes to call an intruding narrator. "King Gale's mind crashed and rebooted" is not something a griffon of his era would ever think. It's one in an era with computers might think, but not one in ancient times. This throws me a bit out of the scene. When writing, you can and should try to make the narrative fit the character in question.

As an example, I'm going to write two paragraphs about a being encountering an obstacle in the road.

Daisy Daisy Sundae frowned as she came to a stop, the wagon settling into the mud as she did so. Lying across the road was a massive oak. Part of her broke at seeing such an ancient tree downed, but that was life; nothing lasted forever. She was more worried about getting her wagon around the trunk. She wasn't nearly strong as her brother, who could have nudged the trunk out of the way. She couldn't' take the wagon off the road either-the mud was bad in the road, but if she went off into the ditch on the side she'd never get out.

Daisy Sundae glared suspiciously at the trunk in the road. It looked to be a normal oak, but she knew damn well no oak that green ever fell on its own. Somebody had to have cut it down, and put it across the road. Was it one of her competitors? If so, she wasn't going to let a simple trunk stop her.

See the difference here? They're both worried about being stuck, but the former is concerned about the oak tree being cut and worrying at what she's going to do, while the latter is suspicious and thinking it's intentional sabatage-she doesn't care the tree is an ancient oak.

Both sisters gulped, Luna from reading the archives and Celestia from first hoof experience. It had been centuries since Discord had used that particular phrasing, and last time it did not turn out well. 450 years ago, Discord had approached Celestia with that very same line…

Why did they both gulp? Both sisters are well aware of his potential for shenanigans, and he just said he was having fun. Celestia in particular has been dealing with politics for a thousand years. She surely has better control to the point I don't think she'd be able to let her guard down hardly.

Overall, my problem, and sadly one reason I'm having a hard time getting into this story is context. You're throwing us into this story with little build up of the setting or how things relate together, so without understanding really the connections, I'm not connecting with any of the characters.

Plus, you jump from pov to pov this chapter alone. Who am I supposed to root for? Luna? Discord? Gale?

It was just sunrise the next day, and already things had gotten off to a bad start. Instead of the cheerful glow Celestia’s sun normally produced, the Solar Princess was horrified to see that it was a very ugly plaid and filled her citizens with a sense of dread when she rose it into place.

Just is a bit of a weasel word. It doesn't add much to a paragraph or narrative at all.

“I am afraid that it seems Discord has won this time.

” Celestia said with a sigh, her mood starting to turn gloomy once more. “Last time you girls had the Elements of Harmony, something that you no longer have. Chances are the Rainbow Beam might not do the job either, I haven’t seen him this bad since the first time I imprisoned him in stone with the aforementioned Elements.”

Why does Celestia think this? Tirek ate Discord's magic. The rainbow powers look identical to the elements, and they took Tirek down while fixing Equestria.

“ NOOO! ” Celestia shouted at full Canterlot Voice volume, easily putting another being’s -who was on another place in the Universal Plane- shout of denial to shame. However, the outburst made the six mares give Celestia a questioning look, making her realize her mistake as she cleared her throat. “That is a very bad idea Applejack, because without Chaos then Order reigns supreme.”

Her shouting "Noooo!" seems excessive to me. This may be my own interpretation of Celestia as a master at self control after ruling Equestria for a thousand years, but I think such a reaction would need to to be in response to something much more extreme and/or absurd and comic.

So, reading through this, I think I know what's bugging me. It's how you've written Celestia. In the show, she's occasionally overwhelmed, but she doesn't give up. Heck, she smirks at Tirek when he tries to take her magic and fails. This Celestia is mopey. She's not outright angsty, but is so depressed about the situation that she constantly goes on and on about it without trying to offer solutions and shoots down others. I'd expect this of a Celestia who's seen a problem beat her into the ground for decades, not over Discord's usual shenanigans which are annoying.

“Not at this moment, what’s on my mind is something I have to work out on my own.” Celestia said before sipping her tea, her eyes widening at the explosive flavor that made her taste buds tingle and eased her throat as her mind felt like it was put into a warm embrace. “This tea is delicious Heart, how did you make such a wonderful blend? It is unlike anything I have ever had before.”

I like this bit. Something about Celestia just being delighted at some nice tea appeals to me.

Both rulers looked at each other for a long minute, showing no emotion on their faces in a battle of who would give first. However, they both got into a giggle fit at the shenanigan, feeling like they did when they were young as they smiled. Once Celestia summoned a chess set, they settled down into the stratigic war of board game superiority, with Chrysalis taking an early lead before Celestia came back to tie as the door opened.

A couple grammatical mistakes here-strategic and shenanigans, for one


So, on reading this...I like it. Yeah, I know I criticized the above, and I don't like how you've written Celestia. But, the latter half of the chapter caught my attention. I liked reading the mane 6 discuss strategy, and Fluttershy scolding them about the rumors on her abilities.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!