• Member Since 10th Aug, 2015
  • offline last seen Jul 19th, 2018

Omegawolfben


Hello my name is Ben I have been a Brony for a good 5 or so months and have done some Alpha and Omega fanfic on fanfiction and now think on doing some MLP storys

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Tempest is now rid of The Storm King but has a bunch of new problems she dosen't think she can deal with but luckily she is not alone and has a few loyal friends who will be by her side no matter what even though she thinks she loves one pony in paticular.

(Thank you to G33kySt3v3 for going over my chapters and editing them to make them better punctuation and grammer wise)

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 33 )

After the fall of the Storm King

lol that's almost like a pun

MJP
MJP #3 · Oct 9th, 2017 · · 2 · My Horn ·

i just saw the movie and i'm like, wow, I really hate Twilight now

So now Tempest, Starlight, and Sunset can form a support group. They all have something in common, unicorns who turned evil till they met and where defeated by Twilight Sparkle.

8475335
Is it because she realized that the lands beyond Equestria don't play by the same rules Equestria does and realized she needed to adapt to survive?

im really enjoying this story!

8476548
Glad to hear your enjoying it If I'm honest I didn't think many people would enjoy them since I'm not the best fanfic writer but nice to know some people enjoy them

This is an amazing story!!! 😍😍😍😍😍😍

MJP

8476461
no because she used her friends to get way with stealing a nondescript artifact and potentially put an entire kingdom in ruin for her own goals, this goes beyond OOC, this basically turn her into a self-serving sociopath that does not deserve to be the protagonist of her own show

I like the story; but you seem to lack use of comas, there are options to use italic letters which most writers use to separate thoughts from words and there is also the

Quote

that is of common use for when a character is reading a text such as Luna's letter in this chapter.

Ever since the Friendship Festival and Twilight's offer to become her friend Tempest Shadow has tried her best to make up for her previous mistakes and help rebuild Canterlot.

Somehow it is to much Starlight for me there. I hope she isn't trying as hard as her or at least in her own way.

"Maybe your a blessing dear horn I think I may like her more then just a friend I hope she might feel the same"

It happens rather fast, but with Tempest I'm really okay with it, but maybe I just want a romance to start soon enough and not in the end of a story like some authors do it, when there is nothing else to show.

P.S: If you have feelings for my sisters student make a move or she will never know and you will regret what could of been

okay how did she know that? I still like the story, but I actually dislike such moments, where the others notice everything when someone loves the other. I don't believe everyone acts so obviously when they aren't even sure themself.

"Oh you have no idea how bad he will make training for you Tempest he is going to destroy you"

"Well I'm a commander I have done worse in the Storm Kings training your brothers training will be easy as pie"

I actually had to think about Tempest might having to give Shining a lesson.
Well it feels a bit rushed, I liked the romance to start faster for a change, but everybody seems to know about it, I'm suprised that both had thought about it and if they would have gone to the bedroom for a different activity, then I would have definitly thought that it happened way to fast.
I mean some people are like that, but it is not exactly my cup of tea if you know what i mean.

Maybe I'm just slightly dissapointed that there was no hesitating or something like that that made it look even more beautifull or interessting.

Well I'm still going to watch it, but I want to let you know my honest opinion. Please remember that some of my opinions may are like that, because I have already read several stories here and when I see something happen for the 50. time, then I "can" get a bit annoyed by it even if the author isn't at fault.

8477524
Lol I hate that too don't worry they are pretty much confirmed to be dating in Chapter 3

8478778
Oh nice and thank you, I can't really decide but I think I really want them to be together rather soon.
I was just a bit annoyed that everyone seems to know about it alredy, that is if that was in this story.

Oh and while i think I mentioned an adoption here, do you think you could include a tragic or sad meeting with Tempests mother?
I get the feeling even if every story about tempest seems to have only a few chapters now, no one thinks about her mother.

To be honest I only remember one story and in the movie it looked like she left as a kid.

8479066
I can see what I can do also I forgot to put it in but Luna dreamwalked in Tempests dream and found out that way I may add it into a upcoming chapter and most ponies know since they have been dating a few days and they are friends with pinkie so...

I was a bit confused since there are two scenes in this chapter but there is nothing to show it.

Perhaps you could use the


or something else that your creativity can accomplish.

Has anyone else noticed a new Twilight x Tempest fanfic and think it looks familiar plot wise

8479834
I would need to read it again, but to me it didn't looked like they already started any dating, if you haven'T exactly written it, then I would think of them meeting a few times as just that "doing something with a friend". Maybe you just need to mention it more clearly, but to be honest while I just go along with them being together rather soon, I thought they would talk about it in the story and just making it official there. (oh i was talking about them dating at the beginning, that you should mention that probably more clearly)

I'm not sure if I understand their power correctly, but either Luna can sense bad stuff in dreams and goes looking then, or she didn't trusted Tempest and wanted to observe her. To me it sometimes looks like Luna would just deny them their privacy because of other stories. I mean if nothing bad happens then she doesn't need to look at what they like or what secrets they have.

Mate, commas! There isn't a single comma in an entire chapter! The whole thing reads like a run-on sentence!

"So Tempest I felt Twilight's heart burst with love a few days back I'm guessing that was when you two had that kiss correct ?"

Till now I liked it and I guess it depenst on how someone interprets Cadances Power, but I really hope you didn'T meant there that she felt it from the Crystal Empire till Ponyville.

"My sister has the ability to dreamwalk so it sounds like she must of watched a dream of yours and discovered your feelings for Twilight that way"

That is what I meant in my reply, I like to think that she does it to help and not to only invite privacy, like she would own the dreams.

I mean at least she should talk to nobody about what she is seeing there at least no personal stuff.

I like it so far, I'm just picking on some tiny details that I usually like a bit different.

Rarity hit Rainbow on the shoulder shaking her head as Twilight suddenly starting pacing again until she heard something behind her looking behind her seeing it was Tempest. Tempest put her hoof to Raritys lips telling them all to be quite as she watched her Marefriend pacing up the platform.

ooohhhh I like that, something tiny like this is what I like to see and I believe I have seen this action the first time so thank you for something new.

"I missed you too Twilight love but don't worry your guards here now and isn't leaving your side ever again and Pinkie don't even think of ruining this moment for me"

Tempest shouted making Pinkie stop in her track with her confetti cannon making her hide it and smile like nothing had happened as the other mares simply watched the two mares reunite happy for there friend.

oh yes:heart: I like it when they stand up for what they want and even can tell Pinkie when to stop sometimes.

Good job, I'm sure if either I forgot about the small stuff or you maybe doing some changes (whatever happens), then I'm going to make it to one of my favourites. I just enjoy how well written Tempest is in at least two stories I had read so far.

I think you should consider getting an editor to format this story. The problems I previously pointed out are really prominent.

making her smirk and run a hoof over her mane and horn knowing for a face it would be Twilight.

huh?

Before Tempest could say another word she heard a foal crying as she looked down seeing a crying infant foal on her door step making her look to both sides of her house and walk out checking to see if anypony was around there wasn't.

Tempest was about to lock up her house and leave till she heard the foal cry loudly making her sigh and look up to the sky.

"Why me I-I don't know how to look after a foal!"

JUst thank you, I think most of the stuff you do will outweight the bad stuff.

"I'm sure ma family wouldn't mind looking after him for a few hours if you two are busy"

"Yeah and I can fly over ponyville in 10 seconds flat if you need to do a quick patrol also"

I so want her to continue treating him a bit like an unwanted object, I mean like calling him little monster or something, but still caring for him like she is supposed to do with a foal while slowly warming up to him.

Well hopefully this shocked some people and thank you to Texus for giving me this idea also if people don't like his name give me some ideas and I will alter it next chapter :)

Thank you for this and for putting up with my small complaints.
Well the only way you can get better is to read some opinions no matter if they are right or not.

Lunar Shadow huh?, not bad, it is maybe a bit hard to say at first and I could image others ending up giving him the nickname "Luna", maybe this is causing some bullies to call him a princess.
However I thin Luna is also a male Villain in one game I played as a kid. (Miechief Makers) or something, one of my favourite bosses there.

edit: I think I put some stuff in spoilers that you might could end up using, so anyone who doesn't want to risk it, doesn't have to read my comment completely.

Oh I hope that maybe Twilights parents haven't seen Tempest yet, I would love to see some kind of akward meeting and maybe her meeting her own parents as well.
That would make one possible akward Sparkle meeting and a heartfelt one with the Tempest family.

8481569
Yh I don't really know how to use them to my knowledge it's when theres long sentences

8481657
I actually have someone working on them for me I am going to edit the first two chapters since he has gone over them for me

8481661
It is meant to say fact I just altered it and Tempest is going to be uneasy about him for a while not hate him or anything but call him a little terror or something and I am thinking maybe he is bullied or some adults pick on Tempest cause of her scar and horn and he snaps at them which makes Tempest warm up to her son although Twilight is going to be Idk the anchor between at first if you get what I mean

8481805
Any natural pause in speech, and any lists.

https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma/

8481858
Also, many of the sentences are run-on, or could otherwise be shortened to multiple sentences. Don't be afraid to break up your dialogue. :twilightsmile:

8481816
That is probably more than I can ask for, thank you for doing at least so much in that direction.

8476890
Maybe rewatch "Lesson Zero" and pay attention to the similarities in how Twilight dealt with stress I'm the beginning and how she deals with it as a princess.

I'd point out that you're picking apart small details that prove your point and not looking at the bigger picture, namely the fact that she knew what she was doing wouldn't be accepted in Equestria, she was confident that they wouldn't help her, and she used that as justification for doing it anyway because she was so stressed that she was desperate for a solution, which broke her down when she realized the full scope of what she'd done, but there's a high likelihood that you won't listen.

Arg, punktuation please - my speech engine is babbling without any pause.
Apart from that feels rushed but interesting so far :twilightsmile: .

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