Hello my name is Ben I have been a Brony for a good 5 or so months and have done some Alpha and Omega fanfic on fanfiction and now think on doing some MLP storys
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Tempest is now rid of The Storm King but has a bunch of new problems she dosen't think she can deal with but luckily she is not alone and has a few loyal friends who will be by her side no matter what even though she thinks she loves one pony in paticular.
(Thank you to G33kySt3v3 for going over my chapters and editing them to make them better punctuation and grammer wise)
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i like it
After the fall of the Storm King
lol that's almost like a pun
i just saw the movie and i'm like, wow, I really hate Twilight now
So now Tempest, Starlight, and Sunset can form a support group. They all have something in common, unicorns who turned evil till they met and where defeated by Twilight Sparkle.
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wait? Why?
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Is it because she realized that the lands beyond Equestria don't play by the same rules Equestria does and realized she needed to adapt to survive?
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Why?
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I agree
im really enjoying this story!
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Glad to hear your enjoying it If I'm honest I didn't think many people would enjoy them since I'm not the best fanfic writer but nice to know some people enjoy them
This is an amazing story!!! 😍😍😍😍😍😍
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no because she used her friends to get way with stealing a nondescript artifact and potentially put an entire kingdom in ruin for her own goals, this goes beyond OOC, this basically turn her into a self-serving sociopath that does not deserve to be the protagonist of her own show
I like the story; but you seem to lack use of comas, there are options to use italic letters which most writers use to separate thoughts from words and there is also the
that is of common use for when a character is reading a text such as Luna's letter in this chapter.
Somehow it is to much Starlight for me there. I hope she isn't trying as hard as her or at least in her own way.
It happens rather fast, but with Tempest I'm really okay with it, but maybe I just want a romance to start soon enough and not in the end of a story like some authors do it, when there is nothing else to show.
okay how did she know that? I still like the story, but I actually dislike such moments, where the others notice everything when someone loves the other. I don't believe everyone acts so obviously when they aren't even sure themself.
I actually had to think about Tempest might having to give Shining a lesson.
Well it feels a bit rushed, I liked the romance to start faster for a change, but everybody seems to know about it, I'm suprised that both had thought about it and if they would have gone to the bedroom for a different activity, then I would have definitly thought that it happened way to fast.
I mean some people are like that, but it is not exactly my cup of tea if you know what i mean.
Maybe I'm just slightly dissapointed that there was no hesitating or something like that that made it look even more beautifull or interessting.
Well I'm still going to watch it, but I want to let you know my honest opinion. Please remember that some of my opinions may are like that, because I have already read several stories here and when I see something happen for the 50. time, then I "can" get a bit annoyed by it even if the author isn't at fault.
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Lol I hate that too don't worry they are pretty much confirmed to be dating in Chapter 3
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Oh nice and thank you, I can't really decide but I think I really want them to be together rather soon.
I was just a bit annoyed that everyone seems to know about it alredy, that is if that was in this story.
Oh and while i think I mentioned an adoption here, do you think you could include a tragic or sad meeting with Tempests mother?
I get the feeling even if every story about tempest seems to have only a few chapters now, no one thinks about her mother.
To be honest I only remember one story and in the movie it looked like she left as a kid.
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I can see what I can do also I forgot to put it in but Luna dreamwalked in Tempests dream and found out that way I may add it into a upcoming chapter and most ponies know since they have been dating a few days and they are friends with pinkie so...
I was a bit confused since there are two scenes in this chapter but there is nothing to show it.
Perhaps you could use the
or something else that your creativity can accomplish.
Has anyone else noticed a new Twilight x Tempest fanfic and think it looks familiar plot wise
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I would need to read it again, but to me it didn't looked like they already started any dating, if you haven'T exactly written it, then I would think of them meeting a few times as just that "doing something with a friend". Maybe you just need to mention it more clearly, but to be honest while I just go along with them being together rather soon, I thought they would talk about it in the story and just making it official there. (oh i was talking about them dating at the beginning, that you should mention that probably more clearly)
I'm not sure if I understand their power correctly, but either Luna can sense bad stuff in dreams and goes looking then, or she didn't trusted Tempest and wanted to observe her. To me it sometimes looks like Luna would just deny them their privacy because of other stories. I mean if nothing bad happens then she doesn't need to look at what they like or what secrets they have.
Mate, commas! There isn't a single comma in an entire chapter! The whole thing reads like a run-on sentence!
Till now I liked it and I guess it depenst on how someone interprets Cadances Power, but I really hope you didn'T meant there that she felt it from the Crystal Empire till Ponyville.
That is what I meant in my reply, I like to think that she does it to help and not to only invite privacy, like she would own the dreams.
I mean at least she should talk to nobody about what she is seeing there at least no personal stuff.
I like it so far, I'm just picking on some tiny details that I usually like a bit different.
ooohhhh I like that, something tiny like this is what I like to see and I believe I have seen this action the first time so thank you for something new.
oh yes
I like it when they stand up for what they want and even can tell Pinkie when to stop sometimes.
Good job, I'm sure if either I forgot about the small stuff or you maybe doing some changes (whatever happens), then I'm going to make it to one of my favourites. I just enjoy how well written Tempest is in at least two stories I had read so far.
I think you should consider getting an editor to format this story. The problems I previously pointed out are really prominent.
huh?
JUst thank you, I think most of the stuff you do will outweight the bad stuff.
I so want her to continue treating him a bit like an unwanted object, I mean like calling him little monster or something, but still caring for him like she is supposed to do with a foal while slowly warming up to him.
Thank you for this and for putting up with my small complaints.
Well the only way you can get better is to read some opinions no matter if they are right or not.
Lunar Shadow huh?, not bad, it is maybe a bit hard to say at first and I could image others ending up giving him the nickname "Luna", maybe this is causing some bullies to call him a princess.
However I thin Luna is also a male Villain in one game I played as a kid. (Miechief Makers) or something, one of my favourite bosses there.
edit: I think I put some stuff in spoilers that you might could end up using, so anyone who doesn't want to risk it, doesn't have to read my comment completely.
Oh I hope that maybe Twilights parents haven't seen Tempest yet, I would love to see some kind of akward meeting and maybe her meeting her own parents as well.
That would make one possible akward Sparkle meeting and a heartfelt one with the Tempest family.
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Yh I don't really know how to use them to my knowledge it's when theres long sentences
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I actually have someone working on them for me I am going to edit the first two chapters since he has gone over them for me
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It is meant to say fact I just altered it and Tempest is going to be uneasy about him for a while not hate him or anything but call him a little terror or something and I am thinking maybe he is bullied or some adults pick on Tempest cause of her scar and horn and he snaps at them which makes Tempest warm up to her son although Twilight is going to be Idk the anchor between at first if you get what I mean
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Any natural pause in speech, and any lists.
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma/
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Also, many of the sentences are run-on, or could otherwise be shortened to multiple sentences. Don't be afraid to break up your dialogue.
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That is probably more than I can ask for, thank you for doing at least so much in that direction.
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Maybe rewatch "Lesson Zero" and pay attention to the similarities in how Twilight dealt with stress I'm the beginning and how she deals with it as a princess.
I'd point out that you're picking apart small details that prove your point and not looking at the bigger picture, namely the fact that she knew what she was doing wouldn't be accepted in Equestria, she was confident that they wouldn't help her, and she used that as justification for doing it anyway because she was so stressed that she was desperate for a solution, which broke her down when she realized the full scope of what she'd done, but there's a high likelihood that you won't listen.
Arg, punktuation please - my speech engine is babbling without any pause.
.
Apart from that feels rushed but interesting so far
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