Mild spoilers for the movie ahead, read at your own discretion.
It had begun, at last. The day Tempest had trained and waited for her entire life... had finally arrived.
For weeks, months even the Storm King had promised her that this very day would be the last one of Equestria and its princesses. He promised Tempest power, even agreed to restore her horn.
But that was not the reason she joined the Storm King. The scars of her past were too deep. They couldn’t ever be removed or undone. The sorrow and loneliness of her past had rapidly transformed into anger and bitterness.
No, she wasn’t there for the spoils that the Storm King offered her. She was there to take revenge on the very thing that scarred her and her life forever.
Friendship would be destroyed, Equestria shattered, and its ponies broken. Tempest Shadow would triumph at last.
A somewhat alternate and darker backstory for Tempest than in the comics. If you’ve read the movie prequel comics, keep in mind that they do not apply to this story.
This story was edited and proofread by the lovely Cinder Vel and Rock Slide! Thanks to both of you!
She would make an excellent Sith.
8474760
I know, right?
After seeing your post on I Just Want A Comment, I went ahead and did a read-through on this.
It's actually not bad! You did a good job capturing the consequences of Tempest's actions and written out a surprisingly strong backstory for her. The imprisonment, the ruthless training, all of it makes sense and holds a great weight in this world. It portrays Tempest Shadow not as an antagonist, but more of a fallen hero, which is an awesome path to go along.
I feel like the greatest weakness though is in the presentation. The backstory is great; how you described and showed it to us though felt very lackluster. There was very little emotion packed into it, despite it being a very emotional and traumatic backstory overall. Instead of me feeling Tempest's pain, her struggles, or even better, experiencing it through her own eyes, it felt more akin to a summary, where events are described sequentially like a history book.
I think the biggest reason that it feels like this is because there's no conflict. There ARE subjects that CAN be big conflicts: resisting the Storm King and his guard, fellow ponies that she met and struggles alongside, the sacrifices she must make in-order to progress in power are just a few. But they aren't highlighted or focused on. Instead, it's just "Event A happens. Tempest feels so and so about that. Event B happens. Tempest feels so and so about that."
To fix this, I propose splitting up your backstory instead of dumping it all in the first chapter. Instead of using a long, drawn-out flashback, skip ahead and have the story begin with the raid of Canterlot. That not only sets up your initial conflict, garnering in your reader's interest (if done right), but it also allows the reader to become invested in your main character(s). Flashbacks are good, but many times they lack the elements required in the introduction of a story. Namely the initial conflict and the engagement of the reader. If a reader isn't invested in a character, they will not be incentived to read through their entire backstory.
As you're writing the raid of Canterlot, slip in hints of her backstory here and there. Perhaps as Tempest is staring out from her airship, she can use a line like the following.
By slipping in clues and hints here and there, you also add an element of mystery to her. What's Tempest's backstory? Why does she do the things that she does? This is much harder of course, and takes a good amount of skill to pull off. But if done right, can serve as another engaging tool to keep readers hooked and coming back for your story. Unraveling her backstory, her behaviors, and her motivations could be an awesome element of this.
Tl;dr: Good backstory, but it's presented very summary-like, and thus lacks conflict, engagement of the main character, and emotion. I recommend starting the story with the raid of Canterlot and slipping hints of her backstory here and there instead.
Thanks for the read!
8475149
Wow, many thanks for the long, thought-out feedback! That’s quite rare these days.
Reading through your post, I did realise that it might have been better to split apart thoughts and memories more clearly and expand upon them, perhaps even split them up in different chapters.
As you indirectly said, the main flaw of the story is how short it is for what it tells. The entire backstory of Tempest in about 1k words... yeah. It’s a bit mashed together, on second thought.
Again, thanks a ton for the feedback! I’ll definitely keep that in mind for upcoming stories! Who knows, perhaps I’ll even edit this one in the near future and expand upon it...?
Cheers man!
I never read the backstories but nonetheless I enjoyed this interpretation. This story seems like a prequel to another Tempest Story; Reunited
The thing with this backstory is that it offers Tempest no reason to think that the Storm King could or would bring back her horn.
8475236
Not entirely. While in this story Tempest isn’t focused on regaining her horn, the Storm King did offer her to restore said horn if she followed him, which she did.
As I said in my previous post, It would have really been a good thing to stretch out the story, as it would have made things a lot clearer. Oh well, perhaps I really should edit it. Not that I would mind, anyway, this was fun to write!
8475173
No problem!
I didn't realize it was a one-shot; I was expecting there to be following chapters to this. :P So I suppose that was partially on my fault for not seeing that, and having wrong expectations for this story.
Regardless though, even if the full story is the flashback, it could definitely be delivered better. Perhaps on the ride over, Tempest would be looking out at the sights, at her ship, at the crew members down below. She could be reminiscing on her past as she did it, how she got her crew, the similarities when she was a filly and working like that, or whatever.
I don't think the length is a problem at all! I loved the backstory; I just didn't feel any threat or conflict, thus giving me the impression that this was a prologue to a longer story. Since it was a full short story, there DEFINITELY needs to be a strong, punchy conflict, a climax, and then some ending or resolution that Tempest comes upon. Perhaps as she's looking over the ship, she gets a flashback to when she was a filly, the trouble and harm that she went through. Perhaps she could reminisce on a day where she felt truly and horribly broken, that she couldn't go on anymore (perhaps the day she got her eye scar)?
Then, she would remember what happened directly afterwards, the conclusions and the life changes she made to get through it and endure. THAT would be an incredible story. I would absolutely love to read that.
No worries though! It's far better to write something mediocre and post it for the world to see than write a masterpiece and be deathly afraid to post it. You learn an absolute ton this way, and I'm glad to see that you're brave enough to endure all the criticism.
And you're totally welcome for the long, thought-out feedback! I'm incredibly passionate about writing, and I used to work for a popular editing group here on FIMFiction, so you could see where my experience comes from. I think the bulk of it though comes from seeing the incredible potential of what people's stories are and what they become, then wanting them to achieve or reach that.
Keep on writing!
8475266
Thanks man! I definitely will! And, on second thought, I might rework this story in one way or the other later. Perhaps edit it, perhaps turn it into a multi-chapter story, who knows.
Thanks again!
In the movie, I was hopping Tempest would betray the Storm King and overthrow him. Even in the movie and prequel book, it was clear she had the respect of the Storm Creatures and the army. Kinda like how Roman Emperors were dethroned by their own generals who were popular with their soldiers.
What does she need a horn for when she could have a magical staff with all the powers of the alicorns? Her stagging a coup against the Storm King would have been epic. It would have made a great character that much better.
8475266
I can absolutely attest to the truth of this. Three years ago to the day I published the first chapter of my first MLP fanfic, and got into writing again after several years of nothing. That fic is The Princess That Equestria Never Had, and I'm currently working on its sequel. If I wasn't on mobile right now, I'd link them, but I think they illustrate your point pretty well.
We don't have her tagged yet?
8488140
Knighty is always a bit behind with adding tags
8474761
I agree. Her whole schtick with the Storm King reminded me a lot of Darth Vader and the Emperor. Even down to the heroic sacrifice!
I think revenge stories are brilliant, especially those that have flashbacks. This reminds me of my story, The Lieutenant. I really enjoyed this.
~.~
Not for a country. Not for a king. No greater good. No just cause.
All for revenge.