• Member Since 8th Aug, 2017
  • offline last seen Last Friday

MrUser


A person who loves to write fiction for those who enjoy reading said fiction.

T
Source

Paul Sevens, a gaming enthusiast and game designer, loses his family, friends, occupation, money and belongings. How? He somehow became sucked into a portal which lead him into an odd world full of colourful ponies, that’s how. Now he has to cope with various things: a new job, home, new acquaintances, dangers, and hobbies. Let’s see how this story unfolds, shall we?

This story was inspired by Max Beezy’s ‘My New Life in Equestria’ trilogy.

Cover Art does not belong to me. I found it on the internet.

Tagged Adventure because it's technically an adventure for Paul
Tagged Human for obvious reasons
Tagged Narcotics for drinking
Tagged Comedy for obvious reasons. Unless you don't find them funny... Eh, I don't mind.
-MrUser

Chapters (13)
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Comments ( 22 )

Ah, another HIE story for me to observe. So far, you got my attention. I will keep my eyes on this one. I will give you a like. In exchange....

MOAR :flutterrage:

Please....:fluttershysad:

This is great

Dude you won't get a lawsuit if you use the real name of things in your story instead of parodies like "mort and ricky"

8470092
I can see you got the reference and thanks for the information, it helps a lot.

-MrUser

8470571
I apologize if it sounded rude, that wasn't my intention

8470575
Nah, you didn't. All goods!:twilightsmile:

Don't worry, Paul. *opens fallout shelter and climbs in* You'll be fine! *shuts the door behind him*

So far so good keep up the good work

8512654
Oh yea, forgot about that. Thanks

-Mr User

Morning in Ponyville shimmered as ponies began to flourish from the train station

ahh yes the S3 EP13 reference.THERE IS ALWAYS ONE

So...she kidnaps him, knock him out, causing, at the very least, a minor head injury, possibly a concussion, and he not only forgives her, but makes friends with her?

Okay, i realize that you are probably a newer writer, but part of writing is making social scenarios seem believable, and unbelievable doesnt even begin to describe this situation. Its not a bad fic overall, but its definitely not what i would call polished, and this is easily the biggest blemish ive found so far.

So they arent even the least bit concerned that Lyra outright assaulted and kidnapped him? Then after some of the ponies showing they dont like him, they are suddenly overjoyed that he made up with Lyra?

The scene with Chrysalis was really well done though, and the rest of the chapter was pretty well written too. I can see the improvement from chapter to chapter. Im actually looking forward to reading more!

Well, aside from the somewhat rocky start with the first couple chapters, ive enjoyed this fic quite a bit.Like i said before, i can see the increase in writing quality every chapter. Im definitely looking forward to future chapters!

8872872
Thank you so much for this feedback. It's a tad cliché for me to say that but as always, it's true. From a different point-of-view, it really helps for me to understand the readers than me interpreting what everyone is saying themselves. I do also value your honesty, I thought those starting chapters were alright to hook readers in but now that you've said it, I can definitely improve those in the future for better quality as well as later chapters.
Thank you.
-Mr.User

8872684
Okay, I have an explanation for the head injury not to be existent but it will be all revealed in a later chapter.
However, your point does make sense. I was still new at the time, immersed in writing and never bothered to look in a viewer's perspective. I'm glad you caught on this so I can reread it and hopefully try to make it better than the last.
-Mr.User

8872732
I have explanations for both of those statements, but things I can still tweak and improve. First of all, no one knew that Lyra kidnapped him, it doesn't say anywhere (unless if I missed it and if I did PM me please) that it was spoke about the time they were out in Ponyville.

With the argument, in my head, it would make sense since the ponies would finally know that humans could resolve a conflict. And you see, Paul didn't talk to anyone that attended the anniversary but the CMC, Lyra, Applejack and Twilight, he was only judged from how he looked. And I presume if you look at something new in your world, I'd be pretty cautious about it. But from what I said, I think I can rewrite most of this because I believe there's way too much dialogue.

Apart from that, thank you for that feedback, it helps me a lot for me to write more and increase my writing performance.
Mr.User

8873705
Im glad that you are as open to feedback as you are, since that is absolutely the best way to improve.

They didnt say that he was kidnapped, but he was gone all night, and i would personally be suspicious if what is basically an alien showed up, went out at night, didnt come back, and then came back with the one pony obsessed with said aliens the next morning. Maybe they explained it that he met her that night and hit it off, but that part definitely wasnt mentioned. Its something that is vague enough to question, as a reader.

Alright, that makes enough sense, in regards to the cheering. I wouldnt have expected everyone to cheer though, but thats just me. Maybe a few cheers, some smiles and such, but EVERYone cheering? A bit less believable. I mean, maybe your canon has them being that open and cheerful, and that is a-okay. Just more a personal thing for me, i think. Im more used to the human character being much more distrusted.

So, im going to spoiler this entire next part, since whether im right about this or not, since its just speculation on my part. Its heavily implied that the main character will develop magical abilities in the near future. Now, i dont know if thats because he is special, or if any person could do it, but im definitely looking forward to that part. And in case you were wondering if it was too obvious, it was, assuming i am correct. Nothing wrong with that though, since i doubt it was meant as a plot twist of any kind. If that was your goal, then i do recommend being a little more subtle in the future.

I can tell that you have potential as a writer, and ill definitely be keeping up with your stories!

8874740
The greatest of appreciation to you for carefully analysing this story. Not many people write to me how flawed I've gone with my stories which would have impacted in previous attempts with chapters. But oh well, at least I have more insight on what my chapters should be like as well as placing myself in a viewers perspective, ensuring everything is making sense, scenes are well thought out and a quality story that everyone will enjoy!
-Mr.User
You've helped a whole lot.

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