• Member Since 29th May, 2017
  • offline last seen Yesterday

The Mercenary


From the deepest depths of my mind...

T

Anonymous has his heartbroken for the last time, and now the Mane 6 sees what he's turned into, causing him to lose connection. During one of his bar exploits, Anon meets a bat pony that goes by the name of Nightingale.

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 37 )

You have my attention to this interesting story.

I kinda imagined "Hollywood Undead - Pour me" playing in the background

One of the stories involing anon that i actually like, good job so far

gona keep an eye on the story , looks interesting so far .

Great story, I like it and keeping my eye on this story

Did this just go through a name change

Juvia has officially found My fav anon story have a like from Juvia :)

its off to a great start i really am enjoying it so far good work keep it up

I really enjoy this story, great job

I don't recall giving you permission to publish my life's story.

This business with Nightingale is gonna end tragically, isn't it?

Also, are we really just gonna abandon the ponies of Ponyville to cry over hurting Anon's feelings without them ever making a REAL attempt to make up for what happened? When do they come back into the story? And another thing, why didn't Twilight get back with Nightingale on that job?

Come to think of it... I'm not sure the ponies of Equestria would be as racist as you're portraying them. It's mostly in the comics, but we've seen them show interspecies interest before.

And I am interested to see where this story goes, I want to emphasize that, but if this story's just gonna follow a pattern of "ponies try to make it up to anon, anon and/or Nightingale shout/swear at them, ponies cry about it while plot develops", I'm not afraid to stop tracking.

8502360
I understand you loud and clear. And I have only made these chapters dedicated to Anon and Nightingale because I want them to develop a bond with each other, it wouldn't feel right if I just dumped her in the story without some character development and backstory.

Also, about the ponies apologizing to Anon and Twilight giving Nightingale a job, that is the chapter I am currently working on so don't worry. Anonymous and Nightingale won't turn into angry hermits.

Ugh... Please ReWrite Your Summary So That Only The Important Words Have A Capitol Letter; As You Can See It's Very Annoying To Read!

8521350
Are you talking about the long description?

8522995
Yes, please de-capitalize it!

"Don't worry about that. How was the night shift?" You say flately. That remark made Rainbow's eyes widen. Fed up with sitting through this awkward "Mexican Standoff", you got up and spoke aloud so that everypony in the bar could hear you, "Hey Soarin, good job buddy! I thought you just loved pies not mares but awesome work getting the most sexy and amazing pegasus mare in all of Equestria! Well, that's what I thought her." Your loud sarcastic tone got everypony's attention. "I mean what was I expecting, I'm a human and she's a pony?! Yep, that's it isn't it? Anon: a scrawny, pitiful, ape; that's what I am!" That made everypony gasp. Rainbow Dash was on the verge of tears at the sight of her devastated and distraught friend. Soarin saw her eyes glazing over and decided enough was enough. He flew towards you,

You know what would have made this scene much more powerful? If Anon just took the bottle in the end and just left, without saying a singe word besides giving dash a hateful and judgmental glare.

Again, same with the first chapter. It would have felt somewhat more powerful if the main character didn't said anything out of pure spite. Or just said his "Fuck you get out" and slammed the door from there.

This long conversation felt...a little bit silly, maybe its just me but when someone truly feels like utter shit, the last thing they want is to bloody talk. I understand that your chapter are rather small and that you need to find some way to fill it up, but still, this is just my personal feel and opinion.

Also that sudden jump and cut the the main six also felt like a big stop wall. I understand that you also want to show them how they feel at the current moment, but again personally its really doesn't feel it adds much besides the typical friendship cliche that they always have. I would rather focus more on the main character rather then them.

But again its just a personal opinion, ignore it if you want.

I might've continued with this if the dude hadn't played the victim card so hard.

Okay, I have royally fucked up the story. So in favor of you guys, I will read and edit my chapters.

Sorry for not providing you guys with the quality content you deserve...

Didn't Nightingale go with Anon when he left the Apple farm? I'm confused :v

8616734
No she stayed to talk with AJ and Twilight

8616767

Oh, ok, just add that to chapter five ;y

I'd say he should forgive 5 of them, but leave a certain rainbow-haired bitch to suffer for a while longer. She needs to earn forgiveness, and she's done a piss-poor job so far.

Not to my taste really. While his situation sucks/is rough it isn't being mean not wanting to date someone.

They seem like they are just trying to be friends and that this Anon is just insecure. At least so far.

He should buck up and try to move on. You can't make someone truly fall in love with you.

8694205
Actually I was thinking of revising the story to make it more, digestible.

8694508
That might be a good idea. Practice makes perfect after all. I didn't get a chance yet to read much past the first two chapters but I think the Anon reactions are off.

Ok I really want to read this because bat pony, but I don't want to read a "but I'm a nice guy" anon story, if the premise is that the mane 6 have unintentionally or intentionally hurt him make it something about him being a human or something not "you won't date me so I hate you, send bobs and Vagene."

It looks like you're thinking about revising so please do make a blog post if you decided to so I can come check it out.

Or instead of going down this route and picking a reason they hurt him just make it so he's more drawn to the other character because the mane six are nice but he wants a closer relationship.

8531381
With what navanastra said here, it brings up the show don't tell point, don't switch to their perspective, show us how they feel through the eyes of the main character. What would it look like if a character was feeling (enter x emotion) towards he main character, how would they act?

8694205
Agreed. It's hard to relate to the main character when he seems to be hitting every "nice guy" trope possible.

8694508
Honestly I like the concept, especially having the main character run into RD in the bar. All I suggest is tone it down a notch. It's a bit over the top with the whole drinking more than berrypunch part and having to be an asshole to even get a pubic hair of a chance with women. Heck even the coming out to RD sounds awful forced.

Subtle bitterness is probably more appropriate. I ain't gonna be one to tell the artist how to paint, but perhaps if you go to revising this, make things a bit more subtle. You could have the main character attempt to casually ask out RD but get blown the fuck out. The bartender may need a bit more of a tone of a sage, vocabulary choice mainly.

It'd be more believable during the later confrontation if the main character has had dating success back on earth but is struggling herected because of his species. Shaping it more towards unfulfilled emotional and physical needs rather than envy is probably more appropriate. The whole part about having to be an asshole to get any action reeks of a cringey nice guy tier mentality.

Regardless nice work, especially with how you wrote the part where the main character was sitting in the boot. Very visiual. :)

8616767
The word anon moonshine and nightengale are thinking of is called 'Spite'

I am now tracking this story.

It has me curious.

-Ru

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