Never the Final Word (Vol. 2)

by FanOfMostEverything

FoME's Primary Source (Mitch H's "The Mare Of The Stool")

Author's Note:

[Comedy]

This is a continuation of Mitch H's The Mare Of The Stool (2,993 words, [Comedy][Slice of Life])

THE SPOILERS OF THE STOOL: Just after Cadence's ascension and coronation, Gentle Breeze is given the titular position for the barely teenage alicorn. Aside from destroying hairs, hoof trimmings, and other bits that could be used to control Cadence, Gentle must also collect her unfathomably valuable waste products. Alicorn urine, or the aqua princips, turns base matter to gold among many other useful alchemical and arcane properties, and is the foundation of Equestria's economy. Why did you think Celestia drank so much tea?

"No," said Twilight.

"But, Your Highness—"

"I said no. I am not allowing anypony to wait for me to do my business like I'm their pet cat."

"But the nation's economy—"

"Already has three alicorns producing, all of whom, I will note, have physically larger bladders and kidneys."

"But the danger—"

"Even before I ascended, I was Celestia's personal student, the Bearer of Magic, and the sister of the Prince-Consort of the Crystal Empire nee captain of the Royal Guard. I am barely a higher-level target now than I was before the wings. Oh, and I was looking after a dragon practically from the day I hatched him. Believe me, I know how to deal with physical byproducts safely. Honestly, if you want to be useful, go talk to my friends. I still can't get them to burn their hoof trimmings."

"You do have to make allowances for commoners, Your Highness. But with the aqua princips—"

"You'll get whatever I'll have left."

"... Your Highness?"

"I now produce one of the most valuable arcane reagents in the world without even trying. I'm calling dibs."

Comments

[Georg]

...sometime later

Twilight Sparkle relaxed on the Golden Oak Library's new bathroom toilet and opened up her book catalog. It was good to be an alicorn.

[horizon]

I have to assume that there are only a select few overseas merchants who know the real reason for the name behind the "T4P" Equestrian trade program.

[CrystalWaters]

An attempt was made to utilise the term "yellow gold" before falling pray to both technicality and redundancy.

[B_Munro]

Alicorn poop, on the other hand, can be processed into an incredibly powerful rocket fuel, forming the basis of Equestria's ICBM (Inter Continental Bowel Movement) system.