Chapter One: As I Whisper To Myself pt. 1
My Little Immortal: A Story of Learning to Let Go
Chapter One: As I Whisper To Myself pt. 1
Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sweetie Belle, Rarity, Apple Bloom, Applejack or any of the main characters in this story. All those rights belong to Hasbro. I also do not own any of the songs, all of which are owned by Evanescence. I however DO own this story, a few minor characters and the other things I have written.
Summary: Her family has fallen into Death's mercy. Her mother got a glass piercing in her heart and bled to death. Her father's skull was crushed on impact from falling luggage. Her sister had inhaled too much smoke from the exploding boiler. They all died right infront of her, leaving scared and alone.
"Miss, Applejack is it? I have troubling news. Your friend Rarity and her parents... they were killed in the accident." a nurse told the work pony shortly after her arrival, "Both her and her parents have you down as an emergency contact so we figured it would be best to call you."
"You see, it can sometimes take a while to find a foster home and Sweetie Belle needs temporary housing." the medical pony said gesturing to a small unconscious white unicorn with a few scattered cuts and scratches in a hospital bed, "Will you take her in and be her legal guardian for the time being?"
Applejack didn't know how to react. Her friend was gone. Her first instincts told her to be sad but her second instincts told her to be strong and put on a brave face for the orphaned filly.
"I'd be more than happy to have her stay with me and my family back at the farm." AJ said with no hesitation.
"Great. You can take her home with you in a few hours but we need to run some tests and we need a signature before we do so." the nurse replied giving over the forms and a pen.
AJ took the pen in her mouth and gave her consent.
"Thank you, we'll bring her out to you when we're done." the hospital nurse explained, "We have to make sure we didn't miss anything that was hurt in the explosion."
Applejack lead her charge back towards Sweet Apple Acres. The last few hours, several thoughts kept circling around in her mind. How was she going to explain what had happened to her family, especially Apple Bloom? Should she take Sweetie Belle in as her permanent foster child? What impact would the accident have on Sweetie Belle's emotional well being? How would she explain to her friends that Rarity was six feet under? The only thing she knew was for certain was that was not going to be easy.
Sweetie Belle was just as, if not more, silent than her guardian. It was all so fast. Her mom, dad and sister had all met Death's bittersweet embrace and she was left alone to deal with the aftermath. She didn't know what she was going to do. She wanted to cry, but she couldn't. It was too soon. She felt so... empty. She didn't feel sad. It definitely wasn't anything close to content. No, anger wasn't the right word. Guilty, maybe but that word wasn't quite do justice for what she was feeling. Scared, yes a little but not as much as this unknown feeling. She felt like part of her was just... gone. It felt like this was a nightmare but it wasn't, she had even pinched herself with a clip to check. Her family really was gone.
The two could see the silhouette of the farm house on the horizon. Applejack looked down at her young charge. She had a depressed expression fixed onto to her face. Not quite sad, but no where near content. The work pony could only guess what was going on inside the young pony's mind. If it was anywhere as bad as she thought it was, Sweetie Belle would probably need some amount of therapy. Before the two had even noticed they reached the farmhouse door.
Upon opening the door, the entire Apple family looked up from their breakfast. Apple Bloom immediatly got off her chair and hugged her now orphaned friend. Applejack wasn't sure how the rest of her family knew what happened but, if she had to take a guess, it would be that the hospital staff had called her family while Sweetie Belle was having her check up. If anything, it made it a little less awkward for Sweetie Belle and a whole lot easier on Applejack.
After breakfast, Apple Bloom showed Sweetie Belle upstairs to the bedroom they would be sharing for the time being.
"This is my bed, and that's where you'll be sleeping. " Apple Bloom said as she gestured to her bed and the blow out mattress Big Mac had set out on the floor earlier that morning. It had the same bedding as Apple Bloom's bed
"I'm glad you're OK, Sweetie." Apple Bloom told her friend after a few moments, bear hugging the white unicorn, "I don't know what I would've done if something happened to you."
"Th-thanks." Sweetie Belle replied shakily, not truly being able to comprehend what her friend had told her but knowing it would be strange if she didn't say anything back.
Their was no doubt that Sweetie Belle was scarred from the death of her family. Apple Bloom understood this and let the awkwardness of the conversation go. She would be just as distressed if her family was to die suddenly.
"I know this might not be the easiest time, but if you wanna talk about it, I'm open anytime." Apple Bloom told her friend as she embraced her in a hug.
"I'll be back in a little bit." Apple Bloom said as she broke the embrace and going to do her morning chores.
Sweetie Belle just sat down on the air bed. She had never felt so alone as long as she lived. She wanted to blame someone for what happened but it would be undeserved blame if she did. Her parents, Rarity nor anypony else for that matter could of known this would've happened. She realized the blame game wouldn't fill the void in her heart where her parents once were, nor the even larger one that was once occupied by her sister. It wouldn't make the pain of knowing she would never see her family again go away. She just missed them so much.
"This truth drives me into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
If I will it all away"
-Evanescence, "Whisper"
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Initial reviews: Tripe sandwich on rye.
After reading: One second thought, hold the Tripe, I think I'll just take the rye.
It's not bad. You have a decent understanding on "english" unlike Evanesence who seemingly learned everything about the english language by watching strange French Psychedelic porn. Plot moves a little too fast for my tastes, so a bit of pacing is in order. And you have a bad habit of switching tenses once in a while. It's barely noticeable, but one one occasion, you used "shaked" when the proper word would've been "shaken". Overall, it's not bad, but I see no relevance to My Immortal anywhere in the plot (and my immortal was a massive clusterfuck as it stands. Or rather sits, staring retartedly at a wall with a trail of drool forming at the corner of it's slack-jawed mouth).
What I'm trying to say is it just doesn't make any sense why you chose that piece of work (and an especially hated piece mind you) for inspiration.
There's potential here, but your main problem is pacing. Things are happening too fast and a good chunk of your word count in each chapter is taken up by the disclaimer. Also, if the story is meant to focus on Sweetie Belle's reaction to the tragedy, then that's where the focus should be. Take your time and the work will speak for itself. Don't be in a hurry to post. The readers will thank you for taking the time to make sure everything flows and that it's long enough to develop the characters and emotions of the piece.
967183 (Mr. Ignorable)
It isn't like To Fix You where I'm going to open each chapter with a line or two from the song. I have a plan on how I'm going to incorporate it into the story. What I got from the song is that someone who was very close to the singer died and she is struggling to move on. That itself is the plot of the story!
967323 (shallow15)
Sorry! It's not readers that are pushing me, it's me trying to get all my main ideas down before I forget that's pushing me. And if I only focused on Sweetie Belle and didn't do as much with the other characters, it wouldn't flow as nicely because it would be completely one sided.
Poor Sweetie Belle
I like how this is going! Keep up the good work!
967530 (EpicSmiley13)
Thanks, but could you please tell me what I'm doing right and wrong. I like open ended compliments as much as the next pegasister but I really appreciate it when I know the specific area I'm being complimented on and where the others need work, ok?