• Member Since 24th Jan, 2016
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FourShadow


If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and then make a change. HOO-- Michael Jackson

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Source

This story is a sequel to Equestria Girls: The Elements Awaken (UNDER CONSTRUCTION)


After a return of Queen Chrysalis, and a battle to strike back against her, Sunset and her friends resume their lives back at CHS all the while they cope with the loss of their newest friend. But when a new threat appears in the form of Sunset's human counterpart, Coppermane discovers something has been brought back from Equestria into their world that might be more dangerous than they realize...

Coppermane belongs to Nordryd
Smokestack belongs to me

Chapters (16)
Comments ( 49 )
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How interesting.

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Wow that Neon Lights is an asshole. :twilightangry2:

Neon is a psycho. Not just because of the things he's done to Smokestacks and Coppermane, but he also displays multiple signs of a psychopath throughout his scenes in Nordryd's stories and here as well. He shows no remorse for his actions in this chapter.

OOH, I should leave a comment regarding Neon Lights and his various displays of psychopathy throughout this story whenever they're shown! Sounds like a good idea.

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Neon's an asshole.

“Apparently they beat up old Smokie more than we ever had and wanted to attend just to satisfy his ‘final wish’ or something.” Neon replied. He felt sick just saying that.

Based on the list of psychopathic traits on this page, Neon's words here still fall under the sixth item: a lack or remorse or guilt. He's implying that he doesn't feel bad about what happened here.

Unless "He felt sick just saying that" is meant to show that he does feel bad, but that doesn't seem like Neon.

Rewrite is pretty good so far! :D

Well, this is definitely interesting.

Hmmm... Neon doesn't seem to have shown many psycho traits in this chapter, so I have nothing to say regarding that. Wonder how the ex-Shadowbolt girls will recover, though. It's gotta happen, right?

...right? D:

Oh, well. Good chapter!

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Quite interesting.

Poor ex-shadow 5. They're going through the Sunset redemption stage.

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Whoa that end. :rainbowderp:

But at least Cop and the ex-shadow 5 are in somewhat good terms now.

So Neon Lights is up for blood now, eh? Anyone wanna split the pay on some Fight Night tickets?

Pretty good so far!

Wow, they were the cause for his glass eye? Holy crap, I thought I knew some messed up kids.

Huh. Perhaps I was wrong about Neon? At least in this canon. :P

Good chapter!

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I still say Neon needs to learn a lesson.

Ayy, my dude smokestack is alive.

👌lit🔥

But he's also in the hospital, injured.

not as lit 👌

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Smokestack's alive?! Good news for Sunset!

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At least Smokestack is alive. But oh boy he looks terrible. Hopefully he recovers soon.

Smoke found himself in nothing but pitch-blackness. He had no idea where he was, but he knew something wasn’t right. He looked around as many figured came into view. He was thrilled when he realized it was his friends. Then his happiness came crashing down again when he saw their current state.

They were hanging... all of them... from nooses.

w h a t i n t h e g o d d a m n

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Hopefully Smokestack will be okay afterwards.

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Oh boy. This is going to be intense.

Smokestack is having a Jekyll and Hyde moment. Let us just hope it doesn't end the way that tale did.

But it isn't Coppermane who saves Smokestack in the end -- it's the eyehole man!

The eyehole man will crash in through the roof and kick the knife out of Smokestack's hand. Unfortunately, Smokestack loses his eyeholes! Only the eyehole man can have eye holes! Get up on outta there with his eyeholes, Smokestack!

I have a guess as to what that monster is but I’m not going to say anything.

So my guess was right smokestack and bug queen are some how fuses.

She looked at the note once again, sighing in sadness. It read ' To my beautiful Sunset, I leave you this should I ever pass away. I know you will take great care of it, and I know you adore the classics, just like I do '.

I haven't read the first one, so does this mean smokestack dated sunset until he died?

“This thing said something like ‘This isn’t your world to rule. She will rise again’ or something.” Coppermane replied.

... I Dont Know If Thats A Reference to Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen.

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You probably wouldn't want to read the first one... its cringy and terrible :twilightsheepish:

But for a bit of context, Smokestack and Sunset actually had crushes on each other, but unfortunately within the first story, only near the end of it did their confessions come out... and then Smokestack died.

Well I see this are going to get crazy real soon.

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Whoa. What a comeback.

Still, I kinda think some of CHS's students should still be doubtful of the ex-Shadow 5. After all, a divided school is scarier than a united school, because you never know what's going to set everything off.

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So human Sunset is doing what she thinks is right. Now that is quite interesting.

Sunset gave a nod. “Later… I saw what happened at the Friendship Games. What I had witnessed… it was too much. That… that thing was about to destroy us all. Tear the threads that hold our world together. From then on… I vowed to rid the world of every magic-infested creature. Eradicate them before they harm the world or put anyone around me in danger.”

see what you gotta do

you gotta take away all their good boy points

then they'll get sad b/c they can't get their chicken tendies

then they'll leave forever b/c they're so sad

that's how you gotta get ridda those dastardly magical creatures

Human Sunset is making classic error. She thinks getting rid of the ones with magic will get rid of the magic. What her plan would actually do is let magic run amok, causing End of Civilization As We Know It levels of chaos.

Sunset gasped when she saw her present. A white teddy bear about the size of a hand pillow.

Aight, real question, what the hell is a hand pillow? Is it a pillow for your hand? A pillow the size of your hand? A hand-shaped pillow?

Good chapter though

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Cute chapter. :twilightsmile:

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Good work! It was about time that these two go on a real date.

This is showing signs of improvement. Keep going. :twilightsmile:

“Well… I guess while we’re on the subject… can I tell you a secret?”

“What kind of secret?” Sunset asked.

Finally making time to catch up on this...

Aw, why'd you change Toxigo's name?

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Toxigo honestly didn't really sound... MLP.

Some of the CPA kids didn’t show any form of sympathy for someone who had just died. Jet Set, Upper Crust, Fleur De Lis, Suri Polomare, Royal Pin, and their bighead, Neon Lights.

'their bighead' I don't think that's what you meant there, or at least I've never heard the word being used that way.

“Trust me, Neon, I know the emotion. The inhumanity…” Jet Set replied.

That's 'I know the feeling.' If you're setting Jet Set up as someone who swaps normal words in normal clichés for fancier, more exotic words to make himself sound smarter than he is, that's super clever. If not, well....

“Thanks. I wish I can say the same for Smokie though.” Fluttershy cooed.

This makes it sound like she's cooing the second sentence which she really shouldn't be.

Had Sunset been there, she would have been very angry. Sunset put her heart and soul into singing a farewell song for Smokie, and they treated her own feelings and well being as it if was nothing.

This paragraph is completely unnecessary because we know and feel that also.

Fluttershy and Coppermane are adorable as always~

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I thought of it like a guy version of your Cheerilees and Scootaloos; there's precedent for non-word names and I thought it was pretty nice and creative and fit an anti-ish hero well.

But if your heart's set on the change, I understand....

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More of public opinion honestly.

The group giggled slightly at Crust’s comment. Making fun of how awful Canterlot was one of their afterschool time things to do, other than just hang out, go to a local hangout, maybe prank a CHS student or faculty, and even meet up together to work on schoolwork.

That list of things they like to do in their spare time seems a little redundant (hang out or go to a hangout?) and a little obvious. But I think it's funny that schoolwork is listed as though it's a very rare activity for them compared to the other things.

And if we don’t have any equipment on how it works, then we have no way of getting back at them.” Royal replied.

I think you mean 'any idea'

They made an agreement that since he was no more, they would promise to keep his home and his prized possessions safe.

I would delete the words 'promise to' completely since they make the grammar awkward

If this Sunset Shimmer had been spying on them here, and on the night before, there could be a chance she heard their entire conversation on the gun they had in their hands, and she could have come across all of the magical anomalies at Canterlot High: The Fall Formal, The Battle of the Bands, the Friendship Games, and maybe every strange magical occurence they've had over the few months.

That is a real longshot. They have no reason to assume this is the case just because they caught her eavesdropping on them once.

The very thought of this being exposed terrified them. One thing was for certain. They had to find out more about what this… other Sunset could be planning, and keep her from gaining an understanding on their magic. It would be bad for everyone if she discovered the mechanics of their magic.

Why? They have no reason to assume this universe's Sunset is a bad person. Twilight was spying on magic and found out how it worked and she wasn't a bad person. (I mean, she almost destroyed the world, but still.)

I appreciate that you're trying to build drama, and I'm glad that you're paying attention to building drama at the beginning instead of weighing things down with exposition, but they're letting themselves get alarmed too easily. I know and you know that they have a reason to be so worried, but they don't.

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Yeah this fic even with the changes is STILL need of repair, I can agree. Not really enjoyable, is it?:fluttershysad:

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I'm choosing to read it on my birthday for a reason, 4S; I'm hard on it sure but all my suggestions so far have been quick edits and nitpicks about word choice. The plot and character interactions are still decent and solid.

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Oh okay, I understand.

You're still gonna come back to FimFiction though right? I miss ya:fluttershysad:

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We'll see. Crazy week coming up...

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