Derp

by PaulAsaran

Chapter VI

Everypony knocked to go in. Why did everypony knock to go in? It was a library. A public location for use by all. Yes, the librarian happened to live in the library, but if she kept her living arrangements separate from the library space, did it matter?

All these thoughts ran through Beige’s head as, despite them, she knocked on the solid oak door. She walked in place, just to give her hooves something to do. It also served to make her focus on her balance, a serious challenge that came with the added benefit of not letting her think about Chip’s hateful gaze. She’d seen it constantly all day and night.

She kept trotting. She would not think about him. Don’t let the pain win. She was one stray thought away from a breakdown, and she couldn’t let that happen. Her Little Pipette needed her to be strong. She needed her to be strong.

At last, the door opened. Spike looked up at her with a disarming, pleasant smile. “Hey, Derpy. What’s up?”

She ignored the name. She couldn’t focus on a name. Stay strong. Don’t panic. Don’t snap!

“I-is Miss Sparkle in?” The world twisted in wildly different directions as she lost control of her eyes for a moment. “Please tell me she’s in.”

“Uh, yeah. Come on in.” She hurried inside, expending energy, trying not to think about anything but her goal. “Are you okay? You look kinda, well, skittish.”

“I’m fine, just fine!” She nearly hit the floor, but saved herself at the last second. The corners of her lips were pulled so far apart they ached. “Just facing a major personal catastrophe and trying to stave off madness. No big deal. Could you please get Miss Sparkle now?”

“Oookay.” He backed away from her, claws raised as if to ward her off. “I’ll just… go get Twilight for you. Stay right here and, uh, don’t go crazy?”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” She waved, nearly collapsing as she did. “I’ll just… wait h-here. Alone. Thinking about things. Things I don’t wanna think about.”

Spike retreated upstairs, and Beige forced one eye to focus on the bookshelves all around her. She giggled and had no idea why. She reviewed book titles only to realize that she was in the science section and didn’t understand most of the words.

“S-science. Science is boring. Right.”

She hurried away to the young fantasy section. Much less familiar. Much less Beige. She looked over the titles, but didn’t read any of them. She trotted back and forth before the same row a half-dozen times, giggling and blinking rapidly. Why did her eyes sting? Stupid eyes. Stupid, stupid, stupid-don’t-think-about-eyes.

“Derpy? Are you okay?”

“Miss Sparkle!” She spun around too quickly and teetered wildly to the left. “Just the pony I needed to… to… hold on.” A few more seconds of desperate balancing at last kept her on her hooves. Not pausing for a breath, she tilted her head to take in the fidgeting librarian and grinned. “Y-you’re the Element of Magic, right? I bet you can do anything!”

Twilight cocked her head to one side and raised an eyebrow for good measure. “Uh, are you alright? You look a little—”

“Skittish? I know!” Laughter burst from Beige’s throat, much louder than she’d intended. She took a couple wobbly steps forward. “Don’t worry, I’m fine, just fine. If you could just help me with your super awesome Element of Magic thingamawhatsit, I would really appreciate it.”

At this, Twilight smiled and shook her head. Placing a hoof to her chest, she said, “That’s actually a very common mistake. I’m not the Element of Magic, that’s in Canterlot. I just represent what Magic entails. I can’t really—”

Beige pressed her muzzle to Twilight's, left eye twitching as the other rolled towards Spike’s hiding spot at the top of the stairs. “Close enough for me. Just tell me you can help!”

“W-well, if you’d tell me what’s wrong?” Twilight backed away, but Beige followed closely, her one eye focused on the librarian’s. “I can’t help if I don’t know what you’re after.”

“Right, right, how silly of me.” Beige giggled and dropped to her haunches, rocking back so far she almost fell. “I’m cursed. I mean, I’ve got to be cursed. Get rid of my curse.”

“Cursed?” Twilight groaned and rolled her eyes. Her voice became monotone. “I’m sorry, Derpy, but there’s no such thing as curses.”

There’s-that-name-don’t-think-about-the-name-don’t—“Don’t tell me that!” Beige tried to jump up, but her hind legs seemed to ignore her commands. She barely kept from smacking her muzzle against the hardwood floor. “I’m cursed, you see?” She pointed at her eyes with one hoof and let them swirl on their own for a few seconds before giggling some more. “It’s the only explanation. So… So magic it off of me. Come on, chop chop.”

“I think what you need is a doctor,” Twilight replied in an annoyed tone.

“Doctors, doctors, doctors, doctors can’t help!” Beige waved her hooves at Twilight. “But magic, magic can help! I know magic can help, everypony knows magic solves everything.”

Twilight rubbed her temples with both hooves, her eyes closed tight. “I know ponies get that idea, but it doesn’t work that way. Now listen, Derpy, what I—”

“Beige!”

She felt something snap, or at least she thought she did. She grabbed Twilight by the shoulders and shook her violently. “Beige, Beige, my name is Beige. It’s Beige Beaker, not Derpy or Ditzy or anything, Beige Beaker! My daughter is not Dinky, it’s Pipette, and she’s adorable and now I have to take care of her on a mailmare’s salary when I’m supposed to be a… a…”

She fell back from Twilight, not bothering to wipe the burning tears from her eyes. She pressed her hooves to her skull and sobbed. “I’m a chemist. I’m a chemist! I’m not some stupid, clumsy mare for everypony to laugh at! I was making agricultural clouds. Everything was amazing and then my eyes, my stupid stupid eyes!”

She hit herself a few times and let out a furious cry.

“I didn’t do anything. I didn’t hurt anypony. I devoted eight years to study and I can’t remember any of it! And I can’t walk straight or fly and I’ll never take my filly flying and oh Celestia I wanted to show her what it’s like and hear her laughing in the wind and now she’ll be forever stuck on the ground because her mommy is a freak and everypony’s laughing at me and my husband… Chip… Oh Celestia, Chip…”

She lay on the floor and curled into a ball, head and face hidden behind her forelegs. “Please. P-please. I was a good wife, wasn’t I? Chip, please. Come back. C-come back. I can’t do this on my own.”

Beige couldn’t bring herself to do anything save lay there and weep. She probably appeared insane, but what did that matter? Her life was over. Her last frayed hope had snapped and only misery remained. She kept seeing Chip’s hard glare, Doctor Whooves’ pitying gaze, Pipette’s confused expression. Perhaps she could just die here, shrivel up and sink into the floorboards and disappear. Pipette would be sad at first, but she’d find a new family, a better one than her broken, stupid, wall-eyed mother.

She felt something touching her head. Fearing what might be next, she peered between her forelegs. Twilight sat beside her, eyes downcast as she rubbed a hoof through Beige’s mane. The librarian said nothing, and Beige made no attempt to speak. She simply accepted the tiny comfort for what it was and let her tears flow.

It took time for her to regain control, and even when she did, she stayed down. Twilight didn’t leave, and after a while even asked Spike to fix them some lunch. He came back with some sandwiches, and only after a lot of urging did Beige finally allow herself to be herded to a nearby table. She didn’t feel hungry, but Twilight insisted. Did she somehow know Beige skipped breakfast? The sandwich offered no taste she could detect through her despair, and she pushed the plate away after eating less than half of it.

She stared at the table and wondered if they’d hold a funeral for Beige. After all, she didn’t seem to exist anymore. Would Beige even get that dignity, or would she just be forgotten? Swept away like so much debris, unwanted and left behind. Only Derpy would remain, the clown, the clutz, the pony to be mocked. Never important, never worth anything save a few seconds of slapstick. And who would remember that she’d had a daughter?

Would even Pipette forget?

She cringed and held her hooves against her heart. Goddess, it hurt. It hurt so much. But… If it was better for her Little Piper, then…

“Beige?”

Her ears perked. She cocked her head, centering an eye on Twilight. The librarian looked right at her, attentive and concerned.

Beige managed a feeble smile. “Y-you remembered my name.”

Twilight returned the smile, but only for a moment. She spoke slowly, carefully, as if wary Beige might break down again. “I don’t know if I can help you, okay? I want that to be clear. But if you tell me everything, I’ll do my best. I promise.”

A wave of relief washed over Beige, and she promptly started her story. She spoke of the crash months ago, how her eyes ‘broke,’ and the steady loss of her education. She remembered getting fired and the constant, daily struggle just to learn how to walk. She broke down a time or two, but Twilight never rushed her or acted annoyed. She encouraged Beige to keep talking, and when she froze up, to drink or eat a little more. And Beige obliged without complaint because, finally, somepony appeared to be listening.

“Wow,” Twilight whispered, her hoof resting on Beige’s shoulder. “That’s… wow. You’ve had a rough year.”

“And none of it makes sense,” Beige whispered, rubbing her hooves together. “The crash didn’t cause my eyes to go crazy or my balance to disappear. My schooling can’t have just… gone away. And Chip…” She squeezed her eyes tight and willed herself not to cry anymore. “There was no warning. No signs at all. He just… he just left.”

She turned an eye to Twilight. “Now do you see? It’s not natural. It can’t be. It’s got to be magic.”

Twilight chewed her lip as she thought. After a few seconds, she sighed. “I’ll admit, it’s all really fishy. I knew about the school having to close down, but I had no idea you were employed there, and I should have. I suppose it’s possible that something’s happened. I’ll do a magic sweep. I can’t imagine why the other mages got no results, but I do know a few of the more obscure things to look for. Maybe they overlooked a symptom. I won’t promise that I’ll find anything.”

“You will. I’m sure you will. If you don’t, I…” She bowed her head, unable to finish that sentence. If Twilight found nothing, she had no idea what she’d do. “It has to be magic. It just has to.”

“Alright, stand up, please.” Twilight waited patiently while Beige climbed to her hooves. “This will only take a second. You won’t even feel it.”

Beige closed her eyes tight and silently begged that magic would provide an answer. This had to lead to a solution. Chip didn’t abandon her because she was repulsive and stupid. He left because something made him, because she had some curse. She wasn’t a bad wife, and he wasn’t a bad husband. She repeated it to herself over and over again, forcing herself to believe it. Even as the quiet sound of Twilight’s magic met her ears, she didn’t stop thinking it with all her concentration.

Chip would come back. They’d solve this problem and he’d return, apologetic and as wonderful as the day they’d met. Pipette would have a father, her mother would go back to being a chemist, and her eyes would be straight again.

A gasp brought her up short. Her eyes popped open, but it took a moment to center one on Twilight. The librarian’s eyes were wide like dinner plates, her pupils small like the tips of quills. Her entire body had gone rigid as she stared at Beige, the color flooding from her cheeks.

“You found something.” A bubbly giddiness swelled within Beige's chest, making her feel as if she would burst. She began to prance in place, at least until the act brought her close to falling. “I can see it, you found something. You found something!” She gave a gleeful cry and laughed. At last, she had proof! It had been a long shot, and she’d not really believed it, but it had, and now they could do something about it! “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Spike stood on his toes and waved a claw before Twilight’s face. “What’s wrong, Twilight?”

Twilight flinched and shook her head. After a few quick glances between Spike and Beige, she cleared her throat and sat, tail tucked tight around her hooves. “Spike, I’m sorry, but could you give Der—Beige and me a moment? Please?”

Spike opened his mouth, but a wide-eyed, pleading look from Twilight brought him up short. With his tail in his claws, he nodded and stepped out, giving Beige one last look of concern before disappearing in the main room.

Beige’s wings flapped and she gave a little bounce. “So what did you—” The world spun sideways and she careened forward, landing on her chest. She laughed and let her legs splay out as she cast an eye to Twilight. “What’d did you find? How soon can I be cured?”

Rubbing her leg, Twilight wouldn’t look her in the eye. “Beige, I never thought I’d say this to anypony, but...” Her ears folded back as her eyes glazed over, but the lost look faded quickly. “You should drop this.”

It took a moment for the response to register. Beige’s eye twitched. “Come again?”

Twilight shrank back, her voice becoming small. “Drop it. Please.”

Seconds passed. Silence hovered in the air like a nasty claw. Beige tried to think of something to say, but her mind was blank as the words echoed over and over again in her skull. At last, she muttered, “Don’t tell me that.”

“Beige—”

“No!” She moved forward and caught Twilight’s cheeks, forcing her to look into one of her eyes. “I can’t drop it! My life is ruined, you found something, now tell me how to fix it. I know there’s a way to fix it, and you’re going to tell me.”

“But I can’t—”

“Don’t tell me you can’t!”

“I’m not allowed to, okay?” Twilight squeezed her eyes closed and turned away. “Please, I can’t. Yes, I know what it is. I never thought I’d see it again, but you’ve got it and… and I’m not allowed to fight it. I don’t think I could if I tried.”

Beige tried to get in front of her, but Twilight still wouldn’t look at her. “I don’t understand. Who won’t let you do it? Why?”

“You don’t want to know.”

Beige bristled. She suddenly wanted to hurt somepony, and her hooves scraped against the floor. “Yes, I do. My life has been turned upside down by some… some jerk and you tell me they won’t let you fix it? I want to know who so I can at least get a reason!”

“Nopony did this to you,” Twilight countered, finally daring to look her in the eye. “You’ll never find the culprit in Equestria. You’re threatening something that’s beyond mere ponies.”

“I don’t care! They did this to—” Her balance tipped just as Beige raised her hooves, and she promptly fell forward. Twilight yelped and caught her, the two of them toppling to the floor together.

Twilight tried to get up, but Beige wrapped her legs around the pony and held on tightly. Her body quaked as a desperate, primal urge wormed its way into her head. She couldn’t give up. Not when she was so close! The answers were here. Twilight had them! If she could just hold on...

“Please,” she whispered, burying her face in Twilight’s mane. “Please, Twilight. I didn’t do anything. I deserve answers. Don’t leave me to be forgotten, to be replaced by this… this fake! I’m Beige. I’m a chemist. My daughter is Pipette, and my husband is Chip. Don’t tell me that has to go away without at least telling me why.”

Twilight said nothing. Was she considering? Maybe she was waiting for Beige to realize the truth: her life was over. Perhaps. Beige denied it with every ounce of her will. It couldn't be over. Twilight could solve the problem. She’d help.

But as time went on, that little voice of confidence faded. Replacing it was a cruel, bitter one that mocked her for ever thinking she’d had a chance. Who was she to make demands? Nothing but a pathetic, wall-eyed reject. Even her own husband couldn’t stand the sight of her, and she expected Twilight to help? How desperate could she be?

Even that voice faded with time. Beige’s mind grew devoid of anything save the scowl of Chip and the lost eyes of Pipette. She never let go of Twilight, only held on tightly. For what reason, she couldn’t say. Perhaps she just needed somepony to hold.

At last, Twilight broke the silence. “Beige?”

She didn’t answer. What did somepony say in the face of their own doom?

Nonetheless, Twilight continued. “I don’t want to get your hopes up. I swear to you, there is nothing to be done.”

A numbness drifted over Beige. She couldn’t acknowledge Twilight’s words. She could hardly think. Except, perhaps, for a small desire to be with Pipette for what little time she had left as herself. But even that seemed beyond her. She felt as if she’d never have the strength to do anything ever again.

“I can’t help you.” Twilight stroked Beige’s mane lightly. “But… you’re right. You do deserve to know. In that alone, I can at least point you in the right direction.”

Her words sank in slowly. Beige wiped her eyes clean and stared up at the librarian. “Y-you can?”

“I shouldn’t.” Twilight closed her eyes and exhaled slowly. “I really shouldn’t. It won’t do any good, and I might get into trouble. But I can’t just let this happen. I can’t stay on the sidelines, even if that’s what it’ll amount to in the end.” Her smile was forced, but at least she tried. “So yes. I’ll do this. It’s… it’s all I have to offer.”

Beige gazed at her for a long time as she digested this decision. Finally, she let her head rest on Twilight’s shoulder once more. It didn’t sound like much, but the spark of hope hadn’t died quite yet. There was a chance. A small one, perhaps, but she would take anything over guaranteed condemnation.

Anything at all.

“Thank you.”

Comments

[Viper Pit]

damn you for giving me the feels

[Purple Pony]

Now I've got a "Truth Be Told" vibe.
You are very good at slipping in similarities to famous stories.

[Bronycommander]

Beige really doesn't deserve any of this