The Life of an Equestrian Royal Guard

by Midnight Terror

I Was Always Smooth With the Mares

Well today certainly went ..... peachy
I woke up to agonizing sound of my alarm clock going off and the almost blinding light that came through my window that morning. Well I can tell todays gonna be "just great"! As I trotted up to my mirror I might have slipped on a bottle or something because I landed smack on my face. As if todays morning couldn't get any better I heard another loud thump in the room. I thought it was probably my Rick and Morty commemorative trading cards but as I got up they were still visible on my shelf. I looked around my room looking for the cause of that load suspicious thump. I walked around the other side of my bed to find something big and pony shaped under my blanket. I grabbed a nearby broom with my mouth (I know I said it was barbaric but desperate times call for desperate measures) and poked the thing. I then regretted it as the large figure started to get up. I started backing away slowly, only for the figure to take the blanket off and reveal a mare who looked like she had just been through a hangover.

I was shocked and a bit scared. She fainted again and seeing as she was technically in MY house without my permission I did what any frightened civilian would have done. I dragged the body down the stairs of my apartment complex and threw her body in some ally. Now I know what your thinking, and yes it does seem kinda cold when I put It like that, but I could've put the body in the trash bins and called it a day. Instead, I simply slipped the body out of my apartment and dropped it off outside so when she wakes up (or not) she can go back to wherever she came from and go back to whatever little pathetic life she had that led her to spending the night in my apartment. Now I sure some of you are also asking yourselves the question "did I have ummm .... the thingy with her?" And the answer is simple, I don't actually know if I did or not. I mean there's definitely evidence around my room that I could have been drunk last night but then again when are there not littered beer bottles around my room.

But I know my taste in mares and she definitely wouldn't even come close to my target "consumers". I probably met her at the bar or something and we were both so drunk she ended up coming home with me and just passing out. Now I'll admit, I do a lot of stupid things when I'm drunk but having you know what with a mare like that is crossing the lines, even for me. Anyways after I dropped the (hopefully not dead) body in a nearby ally I went back up to my room to get my uniform on for work. I always admired how shiny and important my uniform looked compared to my brothers, but then again my brother doesn't even wear a uniform since he's his own boss so I can't nessisarlly brag about it.

As usual the neighbors began yelling at each other and I think I even heard a couple gun shots. On my way out I decided to take out the trash and but I didn't nessisarlly do these things in the correct order so I ended up going out to take out the trash in my boxers, unshaved and I think with pieces of gum in my mane as well. By the time I realized I was out in public in my boxers it was too late and just about every resident in the complex had their windows open starring at me.

I yelled out, "WHAT ARE YOU BITCHES LOOKING AT?!?!"

Yeah I don't think they'll bother me again, except for the landlord who always pesters me about the rent. I finally managed to get my armor on and get the blasted gum out of my mane. I looked at the time and realized I was gonna be late. I didn't own and sort of transportation so you know I was galloping out the door faster than a speeding ticket. On my way out I ran into a couple teenagers vandalizing one of the other apartments. I would feel bad for them, but in this case they really deserved it. As you can probably already tell, I live in what's basically known as the ghetto area of Canterlot. Or as I like to call it the only affordable part of Canterlot that us normal folk can get our hooves on.

I successfully made it to work on time (barely) . At least I don't have to worry about Shining Armor being on my tail about being late again. Oh, there's one thing I forgot to mention about royal guards. Despite them being former war soldiers, they're extremely happy.... ALL THE FREAKING TIME!!! In fact I wouldn't be surprised if they all broke out into song one day. And today they seemed extra happy for some reason. I trotted into the guard's lounge to find everyone with the biggest fucking smiles on their faces. I headed towards the coffee machine, which ended up being the most disappointing part of my entire day!!! It...... was....... EMPTY!!!!!!!!!!! WHY ...... WHY ME?!?! EVERY OTHER CUNT IN THIS JOINT HAD A CUP OF COFFEE EXCEPT FOR ME!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Woah, deep breathes Silver Shield, deep breathes.

Ok well after that tragic accident I caught up with my (only) friend Dark Specter. He's basically the only stallion I know who views the world... somewhat like me. He can get pretty annoying at times but in the end he (usually) comes though. He might not be a royal guard, but he is a scroll keeper so he's technically allowed to wander the endless hallways of this castle with me. He caught up with me after his last task assigned to him by the princesses themselves so you know I was asking to hear all about them dirty details.

He sighed as he told me, "Look Sliver, I could get in a lot of trouble if I tell you and you know how much I love my job!" Again, he's MOSTLY like me. "Cmon Specter I'm a royal guard so you'd be technically telling your dirty secret to a fellow staff member, besides how much damage could I possibly do with this secret of yours?!?!" He gave me a sarcastic glare and said, "Do you really want me to answer that question?" "Well, not really, but cmon I'm practically begging you here!!!"

He sighed and told me, "Ok fine, but just don't tell anyone and I mean it Silver!!" I put my hoof on my chest and told him, '"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eyes." Dark Specter put his muzzle close to my ear and said, "There's a new threat to Equestria and its trying to take the thrown to Equestria." I pretended to act shocked and said, "Oh Golly, who could have guessed ANOTHER power crazed villain would try to take over Equestria, woe is us, the weak and defenseless empire! I immediately bursted in laughter and so did Specter. After we finally stopped laughing we headed to the cafeteria because I was hungrier than a fat ass hippo.

As we waiting in line for our turn to get some of the grossest slope I've ever seen, some bastered acted like he dropped something a cut me in line! Now you know that I don't put up with little cheats like this idiot, but I gave the little cunt a chance to explain himself because my coworkers are usually nicer than angles themselves. I tapped on him and said, "Excuse me sir, but you seemed to have cut my place in line!" He gave me a cocky little smile and said, "Oh I don't think so." Then he put his hoof on my armor and tried to push me out of his was but like I said, I DONT put up with little cheats like him. Specter looked at me and whispered, "Dude I think we should leave this guy alone and get back in line!'
Now Specter is usually up for this kind of thing but when it came to stallions that were bigger than him, he kinda chickens out. I looked him in the eyes and said, "I'm NOT going anywhere until this guy learns his lesson.

I tapped on him again and when he look over at me he said, "I thought I told you to get back in line SCRUB!"

That moment...... that little word he said to me....... that was my breaking point. Specter knew it was about to go down because he backed away. I asked the cocky stallion, "Hey ya hungry big guy, because your in for the biggest hoof sandwich a bastered like you can eat. He laughed a little and then I did it. I punched him so hard I think I broke something because it made a nasty sound. After that everyone in the line including the little bitch stepped out of the line for me and my compadre to get some lunch after that victory.

Specter trotted up to me and said, "Dude that was amazing, the way your hoof went through that guy's face was so epic!!!" I smiled at him and said, "Thanks, that was pretty awesome and I doubt he'll be bothering me or you ever again. Specter looked at me and asked, "Hey Sliver, do you think someday I might be able to do something like that?!?!" I probably had the biggest smile on my face in that moment because I told him, "That someday... is today because you are the bravest guy I know... or something like that." Oh cmon did you think I was about to go full on sappy?!?! Where did you get a crazy idea like that?!?!

Anyways after the Cafeteria Showdown my shift was coming to a close. Specter already had gone home for the day so it was just me and my thoughts. On my way to turn in my mighty spear I noticed that very same mare who was giving me the look on my first day here. He trotted up to here, but not without taking a breath mint first. Those chimichangas they serve at the cafeteria are smellier than any tiered stallions hooves.

I trotted up to her and said, "Hey I'm Sliver Shield, I think we might have briefly met on my first day here." She smiled and I think she might've blushed a little too before saying, "Yeah I remember you, weren't you the guy who accidently put his
armor on backwards and stuck a piece of gum on the palace celling. "Yup that's me, the one and only (of course she only remembers THESE things!!!!)" She tried her best not to laugh but I could see it in her eyes that she was talking a certain liking to my "sparkling" personality. "I'm Shadow Rain, I'm in charge of managing the royal guard." I smiled as I thought to myself (I knew it had something to do with rain). "Nice to meet you, though I'm warning you now I'm really bad at names so if I call you Shadow Bane don't be too alarmed!" She laughed even more and by now her face was as red as a tomato. She said, "Well, I guess I'll see you around Silver." I looked at her and said, "Yeah I'll see ya 'round Shadow."

As soon as she walked around the corner out of sight, I jumped up and down and celebrated a double victory. If I do the math correctly, then now there's a 30% chance that she's into me. SCORE!!!!! Well, I guess today wasn't as bad as I thought it would go. My luck certainly seems to be changing but then again I shouldn't jinx it. As I was walking home from work I spotted a yellow envelope with a golden stamp on it that I recognized in an instant. It was my no good dumbass brother. As I walked into my apartment, to my surprise I found a mare wearing nothing but a her underwear and a bra. Ok.... well this is certainly a weird way to end a day..... or a diary. HOLY SHIT WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO!!!!

------- To be continued in the next page of this diary

-------- Silver Shield