• Member Since 23rd Sep, 2017
  • offline last seen 57 minutes ago

Draco meme


Just a below average wannabe author.

Comments ( 372 )
Comment posted by Draco meme deleted Sep 28th, 2017

Sorry about the bad Grammer I forgot to proofread the last two chapters but I think I got all the mistakes.

Not too bad. The grammar and spelling could use some editing, but the plot is alright so far.

Pretty nice. Can't wait for more.

Oh okay I'll have to look over it again

not bad. seems okay. needs to pick up some soon or at least have a good reason not to but you got me hooked so far.

Good start... but you might want to work on your grammar a bit... as well as your spelling it was a good start though like I said in the beginning of this comment... However it also seemed a little too short and fast paced... So you might want to work on that too... but otherwise it was a good read all in all!!!:twilightsmile:

Thanks and try work on my Grammer and the pacing, In opinion chapter two is a lot slower as far pacing goes. And I think I need a proofreader:twilightsheepish: but thanks again for the feedback and I hope continue to enjoy the story I have plans :twilightsmile::pinkiecrazy:

I just setting up the stage right now but fear not chapter four will have da fighting:rainbowkiss: also the fact that you like my story fills me with joy:pinkiehappy:

Bad dialogue, stale/uninteresting premise, unlikable "OC", and poor grammar.
0/10.

"Oh almost forgot,good new your gonna be living in canterlot by your just like I did when I was your age."Dad said between mouthfuls.

News
You're

Mom jumped before smiling nervously at me "g-good morning pumpkin had did my big boy sleep well last night" she cooed

Unnecessary word

Dad simply Pat his stomach wearing his troll face."That's what you get for having a moment at breakfast."

Patted

So he's got Ben 10's powers? Or at least something similar?

Comment posted by Draco meme deleted Sep 29th, 2017

The first few chapter are just setting the stage so to speak the real action picks up in the fourth chapter, and as for my OC I'm trying to keep him reserved for now but twilight and friends will eventually soften him and in the meantime I'll be setting up flash backs to help piece together his back story ie how he ultrimatrix and WHY he's so reserved.

8455771
Yes he has the ultrimatrix from Ben 10 ultimate alien and the abilities it had ,except he only has access to 11 forms right now, but he will unlock more as the story goes on, either off screen or from messing with the watch.

"Uh, sure I said" I said taken back by the situation I found my self in.

I have no idea whether this is a mistake or not...thought I'd point it out anyway.

Funny I had an idea of making a same type of story, a Ben 10 crossovet.. But way you beat me to it.

There are many grammer issue but read able

Oh sorry about Grammer I'll have to try harder at my proofreading hopefully I can a proofreader one of these days ,but right now I have to proofread it myself with my damn dyslexia but that won't stop from trying my absolute best. Oh and sorry for beating you to the punch I guess great minds think like huh.:twilightsheepish:

8456110
Oh do you have any particular alien you'd like to see in the story?

8456184
I might make story any way with him or her(not sure which of my OC to use) with the omnitrix from omniverse( maybe ben 23) in Crystal Prep.... Maybe in another universe...

Anyway maybe jury rigg?

Got it i'll see what I can do, oh if you want to do a crossover between our stories that would be awesome:pinkiehappy: also a stories on Ben 23 sounds quite interesting :moustache:

I'm sorry, but I can't read the story with the amount of errors it has. I suggest that you find an editor because as it stands right now your story is pretty much just sentence fragments strung together into a bad rough draft.

I want to see Big Chill on the next chapter!

8456582
ahhhh.... This is what happens when readers get spoiled.

Anyway, great story man, I can see what he means but ha that isn't gonna stop me from enjoying this story.

Thanks for your support mister/mrs. Shadow and too you my dear Sunset kursanagi YOUR WISH IS GRANTED:pinkiehappy:

Pretty good. It has caught my attention. I'll keep reading.

yey he likes it I'm so happy I could throw party
No bad Pinkie down girl down! My apologies for that , and thank you for your support, friend Knives.:twilightsmile:

You know what would be funny to see? Him accidentally turning into Greymatter and ending up in one of the girls' bags.:rainbowlaugh:

Wait? So in this universe, Ben 10 exist in the real world as a tv show? Shouldn't people recognize the aliens. I mean, If I suddenly see a Fourarms on the news I will recognize immediately and share it with other people that a tv superhero suddenly was real. That will create a lot of commotion and everyone will start calling him ben 10 on the news. Is a nitpick but It will be neat if you reference that on the other chapters or a reason why a tv show becomes a reality all of the sudden.

of course, I havent read the other chapters so I will not know if you already do that or not.Still, I like the story so far :pinkiehappy:

8462458
Yes that's going happen chapter 5 because of the crowd of people who saw ultimate big chill

8461451
Oh did you like me bringing in ultimate big chill or would you have preferred me to have saved his ultimate for later on?

I would like to point out that the shouting is going to be a problem; not only is the act of shouting an excellent method of garnering attention, but it makes the protagonist less intrinsically likable and more insufferable.

The unsubtle and blatantly obvious foreshadowing and clunky dialogue is an issue, that's only exacerbated by the inorganic and unbelievable complete lack of chemistry and social flow between literally any of the one-to-two dimensional caricatures.

The way that the fanboying (or fangirling; I'm not one to judge) is handled in this story make very little sense; I can guarantee that, if I got a piece of awesome from something I'm a fan of, it wouldn't take me as long as a week to start experimenting to the point of at least barely functional, and only sticking to less than a fraction of it's possibilities...

This could be solved rather easily, if you simply took the right precautions.

For a start, keeping a dictionary, thesaurus, and encyclopedia (Google) around to check while you write, which will go a long way to diversifying your lexicon; such can only help (assuming you can wither comprehend what you need to do or have someone to assist you in comprehension) you better apply this already interesting premise.

Secondly, fleshing out the past and personality of any character that's going to have significant letter space, and considering how they would reasonably interact with their setting and the other people will prove grueling, at first, but well worth the effort. This can be best accomplished by coming up with at least nine trivial and three vital characteristics, as well as a paragraph each for their long-term goals, what they're currently doing, and what they did to get to this point in their life. If you can do all of this for each one (character with any significant letter time), then you have done everything you need to write believable people doing believable stuff. Of course, taking a bit of time to describe where the character is, who is around them, and what they're all doing, then pretty much every other technical problem is infinitely more forgivable.

Lastly, while I find the blatant chuunibyou nonsense and infrequent to the point of unbelievablity fanboying aggravating, I'm willing to admit that it might just mostly be personal taste; I'm willing to excuse difference in taste, if it's wrapped up in decent writing and a clever plot. However, it appears that this story unreliably maintains a solid premise and fails to do much else to carry itself.

tl;dr
Spend time on putting more thought and detail into your story, characters, dialogue, and literally everything else, so you don't drop the ball on the only thing you seem to have (mostly) reliably gotten right.

Please don't screw this up, I really want to like this,
Hail Hydra.

This is great. A serious situation, but not so serious as the the point of disrupting the original flow of the story. I also see the grammar is getting better, this is making the story more pleasant to read. If you just take the time to read through the chapters before posting them I'm sure you will get better at seeing errors, follow your own pace, it's what I do. Friendly advice given, I await the next chapter.:twilightsmile::yay:

8465418
Thanks for the advice,and as for the fan boying that's what I believed I would react if I got an ultrimatrix and so that's what I thought would be the he would react.

8465921
Thank you for responding: that's the kind of thing I can appreciate from public relations.:twilightsmile:

Again, like I said, the manner in how the fanaticism is expressed by both the character and the world feels a bit clunky and poorly managed; it just doesn't feel natural.:applejackconfused:

Him taking so long to even begin exploring (from what I understand) is kind of disconcerting, and the way he interacts with the world around him comes off as (basically) Discount Naruto... Episode one, with hints of Discount Sasuke whenever he's around his family.:applejackunsure:

The whole thing feels off, like it's all just a basic setup and set-dressing for Ultimatrix shenanigans, and that's it.:ajsleepy:

All I'm saying is that flavor and life to spice things up would quell my discontent. The chuunibyou can simply be settled as a taste thing, since he's behaving like a middle-schooler, anyway.:raritywink:

Seriously, no one after freshman year in middle school shouts the names of their moves, nor do they taunt their opponent childishly!:derpytongue2:

Most appreciative and hopeful for future installments,
Hail Hydra.

8466188
The reason he calls out the names of his forms is basically him imitating Ben 10 , and he taunts his foes because the same reason, he's trying to follow in the footsteps of Ben, because he's the only one like himself.

8466227
Which reminds me, how has no one heard him yet?

Why did you include the source material into a universe that legit possesses the creatures and items from it?

Why does he take so long to figure out literally anything with a device that's intrinsically a part of his target of fanaticism?

Just the questions I've asked that haven't been answered yet. Thank you for giving me the reason I suspected, though; even though that was the part I was willing to accept as a difference in taste...

Getting slightly miffed for what appears to be a breakdown in communication,
Hail Hydra.

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