Heroes don't get spanked... do they?
A truly enormous spider advanced, she was big, even bigger than Aunt Nancy, and Jitterbug raised her shield. The she-spider was chanting strange words and four of her legs were moving in weird ways as she weaved her spell into existence. A ghastly green glow could now be seen and Jitterbug was all too aware of the wibble, because something about the words and the glow left her feeling nauseous.
Aunt Nancy too, was weaving a spell, but his words seemed kind, good, and the light that manifested around his waving legs was a strength-giving blue. Jitterbug ignored her queasy feeling and raised her weapon, ready to do battle with the big, gross, hairy horror. Had she not been in the thick of battle, she might have wondered how spiders cast spells.
The she-spider shrunk, or maybe Jitterbug was bigger, because the world seemed smaller somehow. Yes, her legs were longer, as was her neck, and it seemed to Jitterbug that she was all grown up at the moment. She was big, strong, and powerful… though not as stocky and solid as her mother. Jitterbug had a profound realisation that she did not have time to reflect upon: she wasn’t scrawny, as her mother insisted, she was just a unicorn and not an earth pony.
Yes, she was a powerful unicorn warrior, armed with… a… sword? Yes, the spatula had its own wibble now, it shimmered and warped with a powerful glam. There were times that it was a spatula, but also a sword, and it phased between somewhat ghostly images of both. Armed with a sword and shield, she advanced upon her foe, whose spell seemed to have fizzled out.
“Strike, strike now!” Aunt Nancy shouted, and Jitterbug was all too eager to obey.
As Jitterbug brought her weapon to bear, the spatula-sword decided that it was indeed, a sword, and as she made a mighty downward chop, it sprang into full existence, gleaming in the bluish light coming from Aunt Nancy’s magic. The she-spider lept backwards and bumped into a bulbous wad of webbing. The web sack split open and bones of all kinds came spilling out all over the ground. The sword connected and one front leg on the right was cleaved right off. Greenish yellow ichor spurted out from the wound and the severed leg lay twitching among the spilled bones.
Shrieking with rage and pain, the she-spider gave up its retreat and charged forwards. Fangs dripping some no doubt vile poison could be seen for a moment and then there was a brilliant explosion of blue light as Aunt Nancy finished her spell. Jitterbug raised her shield—it was far bigger than a common stock pot lid—and blocked the leap attack of the charging she-spider.
Heavy, hairy legs thumped against the shield and fangs squealed against metal. The weight was great, almost too much for Jitterbug to bear, but she brought her sword around to make another strike. Unable to see beyond her own shield, she had to rely upon her telekinesis to ‘feel’ for a target, and she made a clumsy stab with her weapon, whose edge grazed up against something.
Yelling with pain and fury, the she-spider lost another leg, which fell to the floor and thrashed around. Aunt Nancy was casting another spell now and Jitterbug pressed her advantage as the she-spider pulled back. Gripping her shield, Jitterbug delivered a powerful shield bash to the face of her retreating foe and there was a sickening crunch, sort of like stepping on a cockroach but with a lot more crunchiness and sticky-icky-ickle-wickle noises that that made all of her muscles tense.
It sounded super-gross.
If one shield bash was good, then two were better, and Jitterbug swung again while trying to recall Mister Teapot’s tips for a good and proper shield smack attack. For the second time, her shield struck the she-spider in the face and the disgusting sound of shattering chitin made her fuzzy-wuzzy ears twitch. Now, as Aunt Nancy’s spell reached a crescendo, there was a very pronounced wibble all about and Jitterbug began to feel a bit woozy as her awakened magic-sense threatened to overwhelm her.
The she-spider made a swift, sudden, unexpected movement and the air was filled with choking dust and fine hairs, which did a nasty number on Jitterbug. About half blind, her eyes watered, her nose and mouth burned, and it was a mighty struggle to draw breath. The pain was almost more than she could bear, and now, Jitterbug was the one retreating while the she-spider got a moment to recover.
Aunt Nancy’s spell exploded in a massive blue burst of blazing light. The strange dark shroud was torn asunder and whatever shadow plagued the area was now gone. Sunlight streamed down, piercing the webby canopy, and Jitterbug felt new strength surge through her big grown up body. The hairs and dust she was afflicted with still plagued her, but she found the means to continue, a way to keep going.
Princess Celestia’s sun was the great equaliser and Jitterbug could feel its warmth seeping into her bones. Raising both her sword and shield, she advanced upon the she-spider, and even though she couldn’t see very well at the moment, she could still feel her way around with her telekinesis.
“Your evil is revealed!” Aunt Nancy hollered. “Even if we fail, the Royal Pony Sisters will come for you! Even now, one of their mighty eyes is upon you! No longer can you hide!”
“Die!” The she-spider lept for Aunt Nancy, and being a female spider, she was far, far larger than he.
The two spiders collided into a tangle of hairy legs, which thrashed and slapped against one another, and the larger she-spider tried to bite Aunt Nancy. One fang was broken, shattered from Jitterbug’s shield bash, but the other still dribbled awful poison. Jitterbug, who couldn’t see very well, wasn’t sure if she could help Aunt Nancy, and she stood there, feeling helpless.
A rustling sound could be heard as the two hairy bodies slapped against one another, and the sound of thrashing legs created a staccato rhythm. The she-spider stabbed at Aunt Nancy with one terrible fang the length of a carrot while Aunt Nancy struggled to throw the much larger she-spider off of him.
With a scream lodged in her throat, Jitterbug watched, half-blind, as the fight came to a sudden, dreadful end: the she-spider hefted Aunt Nancy around, lifted him up into the air, and then with a terrible finality, she slammed him down upon a sharp spike of splintered wood jutting up from a stump. Aunt Nancy’s legs wiggled and wriggled, he kicked, and his big hairy abdomen seemed to be deflating as his innards oozed out of the horrible gash that had been opened.
The scream lodged in her throat demanded to be set free, and Jitterbug uttered the very first profanity fueled by rage in her young, short life: “Bitch…”
With remarkable speed, the she-spider lept at Jitterbug, who raised her shield to defend herself. But Jitterbug didn’t just block with her shield, no, she swung with all of her hate-fueled might. Mid-air, the she-spider collided with Jitterbug’s shield with a mighty, meaty thump, and then was flung backwards by the sheer brutal force of the blow.
While the she-spider was still in the air, Jitterbug smashed her a second blow with her shield, and the consequences of this impact was downright cruel: the she-spider’s remaining fang shattered and her face, if one could call it that, became a hairy, lumpy, misshapen mess, a grotesque parody of what it once was. The assaulted arachnid landed in the bone-strewn dirt, bounced, and then was smacked a third time with another shield smite.
Jitterbug wasted no time and went to work with her sword. She hacked away on one side, chopping away a plethora of legs, leaving behind ichor-oozing stumps. Another shield bash was delivered to keep the she-spider stunned, and she began hacking away at the surplus of legs on the other side, all while the she-spider let out a keening wail of agony.
With the spider dealt with, Jitterbug turned about to look after Aunt Nancy, only to find that he was gone. The spike of wood where he had been impaled was still covered in spider-slime, and some stringy, ribbony bits of spider-guts, but her fairy godspider was gone. A flood of emotions threatened to overwhelm her, and her already stinging eyes flooded with tears.
Whirling on the defeated spider, Jitterbug said, “You! You’re coming with me! And if you give me any trouble, I’ll bash you again with my shield! Your wickedness ends today!” As she spoke, the world grew larger, or perhaps she was growing smaller. Her mighty leg-chopping sword had a curious wibble to it and it flickered for a moment to become a spatula for the span of an eyeblink.
Jitterbug could feel herself shrinking, becoming filly-sized once more, but she was not afraid of the she-spider. She wanted to have a good cry, and maybe a hug from her mother, but she had a job that had to be finished. The pigtailed filly waved her weapon at her helpless, battered, legless foe and she felt a curious mix of grief and rage for having lost her friend.
“Twilight Sparkle will know what to do with you,” Jitterbug said as even more of the magic began to fade away, and she failed to notice a teeny, tiny little spider the size of a pea doing a teeny, tiny little victory dance. She was tiny now, the filly that she once was, and the remains of her enemy were larger than she was.
Friendless, Jitterbug faced the grim task ahead of her all alone…
↫Epilogue↬
It was late afternoon when a filly dragging the battered, bulbous remains of a hacked apart spider appeared on the edge of town. The spider was tied up in strands of its own webbing and the filly dragged it along through the dirt, tugging on a long tether of spider silk with her glowing telekinesis. She was armed with a spatula that might never be clean again, it was so encrusted with ichor and coarse hairs that cleaning it might just be a lost cause. A pot lid shield was strapped to her back, which was bent, battered, and every bit as disgusting as the spatula.
The residents of the town stared, but this was not the strangest thing they had seen. No, Ponyville saw all manner of weird things, bizarre events, and peculiar happenstances. But a filly dragging a dismembered spider bigger than she was, well, that was a curious thing indeed. She was a bit weepy eyed, covered in slime, dirt, bits of webbing, twigs, dried out insect husks, and other bits of debris that were impossible to determine.
“I’ll kill you and feast on your guts!” the spider cried as it was dragged through the dirt behind the incredibly filthy filly.
This, it seemed, was the final straw, as the filly stopped, turned about, grunted, and drew her spatula. A flurry of blows was rained down on the lumpy, hairy abdomen, and the filly, Jitterbug, spanked the she-spider into submission. Blow after blow was visited upon the spider’s big, hairy, gross spider-butt, and Jitterbug showed no mercy, even when the spider began howling in pain.
All around, ponies watched, blinking in astonishment.
From the crowd came a familiar figure, and he moved at a brisk, lanky-legged trot. Tall, a bit handsome, and a dark, distinctive shade of chocolate brown, he approached the filly while wearing a cautious, but also amused smirk.
“Maybe I could help you with that?”
After dealing one final hearty spank, Jitterbug looked up at Mister Teapot, who looked down at her. She spent a moment reading his face, noting his smirk, and the total lack of fear in his eyes. He was Spider’s Bane, the Spider Slayer, and she wondered how he might feel about her muscling in on his territory. Not every pony handled competition very well.
“Naw, I’m good,” she said with a sniff, which caused her snotty, slimy nose to bubble.
“Are you sure you don’t need a little help?” Mister Teapot asked.
“Go hunt your own spider if you want one,” she replied while she braced her legs in defiance. “I got mine fair and square. I have to bring it to Twilight Sparkle and warn her that the Aranea Covenant has been broken. The spiders are smart and making armies again.”
“Oh.” Mister Teapot sounded quite calm at this news, and Jitterbug marvelled at how cool and nonchalant he was. “Oh my, that is significant news indeed, Jitterbug.”
Perhaps, if she was lucky, he would teach her his spider-slaying ways, and she wouldn’t be grounded for the rest of her life. She gazed up at her idol with unabashed adoration, all while feeling a flood of emotions. She was still pretty sad about losing her Aunt Nancy, sorrowful even, but she was also feeling joyous and triumphant about her victory. Fear of her mother’s anger lurked in the back of her thoughts, and she was still pretty angry at her spider captive for killing her Aunt Nancy. Thinking of his awful death, Jitterbug brought her spatula down in another punishing spank right on the spider’s bruised, lumpy spider-butt.
“OWIE!” the she-spider howled as she writhed around in agony.
More ponies gathered around to have a look at Jitterbug’s prize, but she failed to notice them. Hearing the flap of wings, Jitterbug looked up and saw Twilight Sparkle approaching, with Spike riding on her back. Mister Teapot remained close, and she could not help but notice that he had one eye on her spider. She was going to have to have a chat with Mister Teapot about that, sure enough.
Twilight landed, stumbled a bit, and very nearly dumped poor Spike right into the dirt. The little dragon clutched at her mane, tugging and pulling on it, which made Twilight’s eyes go wide. She pranced in place while making a pained face, and this continued until Spike finally let go.
“Remember, Jitterbug, play it cool if you want to impress the princess,” Mister Teapot said, dropping a helpful hint. “Don’t get overexcited. A warrior must remain professional when dealing with their princess.”
A warrior? Jitterbug had to swallow a squee before it could escape and an enormous happy-sad smile spread over her muddied, somewhat slimy muzzle. Holding her weapon at the ready, she was fully prepared to spank the spider silly if it sassed the princess. Stiff legged, Jitterbug tried to stand at attention.
“What is going on here?” Twilight asked as she approached and Spike followed. “It isn’t every day I get panicked reports of a filly dragging the corpse of a spider into town.”
“This spider isn’t dead,” Jitterbug replied and she wondered if she should bow. Did a warrior bow? Mister Teapot wasn’t bowing, but he was Twilight’s friend. What were the rules? “This spider is alive and she talks. She can also cast spells, but she doesn’t seem to be much trouble right now. I am supposed to tell you that the Aranea Covenant has been broken.”
Twilight’s face scrunched into a thoughtful expression. “Who told you to tell me this?”
“A really nice giant spider… my Aunt Nancy. He was my fairy godspider and he helped me to fight this big, mean spider right here. She was spying on Ponyville and had evil plans for the ponies of Ponyville.”
“Fascinating.” Twilight seemed utterly calm and composed. “She speaks?”
“Some spiders speak, Twilight.” Mister Teapot’s ears stood tall as he spoke. “I heard this one cry out in pain.”
“I know of the Aranea Covenant.” Twilight lowered her head down a little closer to the bound spider, and she began to examine it. “Some spiders retained their magic and their speech through other means, better means. Some reformed and went on to do good. Some refused to change their wicked ways and went dumb. Still others it seems have been plotting. You have the stink of evil about you, Spider. What do you have to say for yourself?”
The spider said nothing in reply and Jitterbug threatened it with her spatula, but Mister Teapot shook his head. She withheld her blows, but remained at the ready if she spider tried to do anything foolish with Twilight being so close.
“Spike, when we get back to the castle, I want you to send a message to Princess Celestia and inform her that we’re at war with the spiders. She probably already knows, but let us be thorough.”
“Sure thing, Twilight.”
Lifting her head, Twilight let her magnificent, regal expression shine down upon Jitterbug. “I don’t think I can save you from your mother, Jitterbug, but I can give you my most sincere thanks. All of Ponyville is indebted to your bravery, your valour, and dauntless courage.” Looking Jitterbug right in the eye, Twilight bent her long, slender neck and bowed her head.
“Your mother is going to have fits,” Mister Teapot said in a low, soft, amused voice. “Especially when she sees your new cutie mark, I just know that she is gonna let me have it—”
“I got my cutie mark?” Jitterbug whipped her head around to have a better look at her own hindquarters, and she began to turn in circles as her backside ran away from her. Her small hooves drummed against the dirt of the road and Mister Teapot’s chuckling filled her ears.
It was hard to see, mostly because her backside wouldn’t hold still long enough for her to get a good look, but there was something there. A sword could be seen, and surrounding the sword was a glittering swirl of magic. Beside it was a shield, also surrounded by wisps of magic. After everything that had taken place, after all she had endured, after the painful loss of her fairy godspider, Aunt Nancy, her new cutie mark was everything she could possibly hope for. Much had been sacrificed to attain it.
“I’ll take our prisoner back to my castle and see that she is cared for,” Twilight said as she backed a step away and then she looked up at Mister Teapot. “Tarnish, could you see that Miss Jitterbug is escorted home—”
“But her mom is gonna kill me, Twilight! She calls me a disturber of the peace!”
Clearing her throat, Twilight continued. “See that Miss Jitterbug is escorted home and remind her mother that the world needs heroes. Please make sure that Jitterbug is allowed to explain to her mother what has happened. Junebug is a good pony, but she’s also a homebody that is not open to new ideas or changes, so this is bound to be quite hard on her.”
“I’ll do my best, Twilight,” Mister Teapot promised.
Turning to face Jitterbug, Twilight bowed her head once more. “Again, I thank you. Once I have our prisoner situated and secured, I will be by later, so we can add your cutie mark to the registry. Also, I think your schooling situation may need to change, and we can talk about that later.”
Beaming, Jitterbug could scarcely believe what she was hearing. Beside her, the spider moaned in pain and the stumps of her legs wiggled beneath the ichor-stained webbing she was bound in. Twilight Sparkle sounded proud of her, and there was a chance that she might get into Twilight’s school. Surely her mother would be pleased about that.
As Jitterbug looked up at Mister Teapot—prepared to follow him to her home—she failed to notice the itsy-bitsy spider hitching a ride in her mane just behind her ear…
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Yes, Mister Teapot, Heroes do get spanked! Just accept your fate
Happy story except for Aunt Nancy and probably Tarnished. The question will Junebug listen long enough for him to get a word in edgewise
To be followed up with 'The Holy Spatula of Antioch'.
Well, that's one way to beat the fear of death into a giant talking spider.
This was a really good story, I really liked it. I know I'm not the most qualified, but good job man.
Dawww. I was worried for a bit that she would grow up a tad, nice to see she is indeed still a filly, and that Anasi is still kicking, im sure he'll have fun.
Loved this story. It had me smiling most the entire time, and another spider hag ate the dust.
8437229
Not a hag, just a giant spider.
8437242
Oh... well then a spider hag and a giant spider have eaten the dust.
8437245
But this spider is still very much alive.
8437250
Only for so much longer i assume.
8435664
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/candh/images/c/c0/Witsmapsnack.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130414045317
And so Tarnish goes to face his most harrowing challenge yet.
At least team "not trying to end everything" has The Weaver and a magic warrior on their side now.
All evil arachnids must fear the Sacred Spatula of Spider Spanking.
this has to be the most embarrassing defeat a sapient gaint spider has suffered since shelob got shanked by a hobbit
You do really great action sequences!
Bravo young filly. Another hero to fill the ranks.
8437250
A) while Aunt Nancy is clearly inspired in Anansi , some aspects ( ancient being from a superior reality, drawn to children, affected by imagination, true form beyond mortal comprehension but its closest one looks like a giant Spider) seems drawn from Pennywise/It.
B) the Anansi Covenant may be villains, but I find their motivations somewhat sympathetic : they have to eat ponies to avoid losing their sapience.
I don't know how to take that last line... Is the spider in Jitterbug's hair Aunt Nancy or another spy?
8437417
Yes. Good ones. And yet most of the piviotal moments in this worls's history are out of story or in memory :(.
Belladonna's betrayal and flim and flam's involvement, the rebirth of Grogar, the stealing of the souls...
Actually that and the lack of focus on just one story at a time are the hardest things that getting up to speed and dealing with Kudzu's work have for new readers as far as I can see. But given the enormous effort being put in I don't think we can complain.
A chart of overlapping timelines might be nice.
8438136
It's likely Aunt Nancy/Anansi. Not sure if Kudzu would do it, but he might be enshrined already, thus hard to kill forever.
*Calls out from the crowd* But Tarnish, you are a distuber of the peace. Don't act like you don't enjoy it
Not Tarnish promised, Mister Teapot promised. Because the story is told from the view of someone who looks up to him/a young child, not a friend. This is a very nice touch.
8438158
Pretty sure someone already wrote a timeline for the stories in the Weedverse. You could start by looking at the tvtropes page for information.
I personally enjoy the various stories about different characters in the same universe. Each point of view helps flesh out the world and make it feel more realistic. However it does get a bit disorienting when a story is set farther ahead in the timeline than other stories which are still incomplete.
kudzuhaiku is an excellent writer and I really enjoy his content. Frankly I'm surprised each story doesn't get more views, but that may have to do with kudzuhaiku's non-linear / fragmented approach to publishing. Seems to me that larger stories tend to get more attention.
The itsy bitsy spider hitched a ride in a foal's mane
The itsy bitsy spider had a funny name
Out came the spatula
and caused all kinds of pain
And the itsy bitsy spider would live to play again
8438046
The same pea sized spider who was cheering.
Ooh, I wonder if Tarnish might be getting himself an apprentice. Can't see Junebug approving.
I like that you've managed to paint such a vivid picture of a character who appeared in the scenery for one scene only.
8437858
That damn clown is hardly a true original concept itself!
A) I mean, the whole 'true form beyond mortal comprehension' is most gods from anything ever.
B)
Seems like if a spider wants to be good, it can be. Eating other sapients is just easier.
Aha! There are options beyond ponyconsumption ,for the spiders. Thats good.
This remains a good little story. A hero was made this day.
now THIS is far more fitting for the weedverse, this world NEEDS heros and destiny WILL make them apear regardless of what anyone believes. her mother will be angry but fate will not conform to her mothers wish, like flurry and flickernicker she is one who must fight the vile darkness that has appeared in this world.
8438046
It's Anansi. I think that while she believes him dead, PART of her does not. And that hidden belief is enough to keep him alive in this reality.
One heck of a way to get your cutie mark, that's for sure.
I wonder what this will mean for "Aunt Nancy" in the future? If young fillies and colts lose their imagination and convince themselves that he was just imaginary cause him to wane and lose influence, what will dragging the streamlined body of a pony-sized spider through town do?
Awwww Tarnish inspires a new generation of heroic trouble makers.
I just LOVE how Jitter was spanking the evil spider bitch! That was great ^^
And so another strange patron finds another odd champion...
I know it ruins the shipping charts, but her and Flicker Nicker's kids would be able to kill anything .
wow a awesome story i love the new cute mark it fits Jitterbug.
This gets more adorable every time I read it.