Comments ( 15 )

Not bad.
This was a roller coaster of a read from beginning to end. Like a shotgun blast of fetishes (not a bad thing, though.)
As for a central tying narrative, there wasn't a whole lot of that. But for what it is, it served the purpose. (Magic dick potion leads to futa sex.) The incest comes a bit out of nowhere, but you'll never hear me complain about that.

As for reading: In the first half, some of the fantasizing parts were a little confusing, distinguishing between that and reality. I had to read a few sections twice. (Italics would help for the fantasy sections.) The sex scenes had the pacing of a freight train twisted into a confusing pretzel. The pronoun game made it difficult to know exactly whose dick was going into whose pussy/ass. A BIG factor was the paragraph formatting.

Rule#1 of dialogue: Always start a new paragraph when a different character is speaking. It also helps to do this when a different character is the focus of the actions being described. That significantly help to cut down on the confusion about who is doing what. Especially when there are more than two characters in the same scene. And especially when there is a lot of physical description about what is going on.

All in all, I LIKED it. I see real talent in your writing and I want to see you become the best you can be. You just need a bit of work on your technical writing skills, dialogue, and pacing, as I've mentioned.

8430492
I thought about using italics to bring in the distinction between fantasy and reality, but felt being as confused as Rainbow was a better option. As it gives an idea of what she's going though without putting the story into her narrative. I'll keep the other suggestions to mind on anything else I work on, and I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

incest? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! No down vote but...

8430916
I thought better of you. You defended me. This story was just for likes? So sad.

Hahaha, you too? This Superfun guy is running around requesting everyone to write this Dash-Scoot clop-fic! He's almost managed to make a pseudo-story competition around it!

8430974
Lol, this story isn't for the likes. It was said in the description that it was a request from another user.

8431037
It was fun I'll admit, though the most fun I had with it was the hallucination near the start of it.

8431077
what was the cover art from? It kinda looks a little like Suarian's art style

8437079
You were looking for the source of the cover art? You could have just ask and I would have sent a link via PM.

8431823
It's Elzombie, I'll send you the link.

I’ve spoken to and seen superfun on just about EVERY GODDAMN FIC IVE READ! 🤣 Now THIS!? Seriously🤦‍♂️😂

8524678
I have two that were requested by Elzzombie, check them out if you like.

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