Journey to Hope

by Not Enough Coffee

Chapter 4: Don't Look Back in Anger

Dear Journal,

I had the strangest of dreams last night. After such a relaxing, and fun filled day I was expecting some sort of peaceful slumber filled with, I don’t know, gumdrops and rainbows, but instead I was reminded of my own childhood naivete instead. What a joy that was, I will tell you. Well, I won’t, because this is my journal for my eyes only, but I digress.

Now, I know it’s normal to have memories come flooding back at the most inconvenient times, and how it can make you squirm and wiggle in your own skin, but never in all my years have I had a dream where I felt angry at myself. I don’t mean a normal level of frustration, I mean the type of anger that leads ponies to make stupid decisions.

Like, for example, I remembered times when I was teased for being the only earth pony in the Canterlot Conservatory, and how it would infuriate me. However, instead of keeping cool, and making sure to have proper composure, during one of the practice runs of a piece of ours I decided to let my discomfort be known. This only made the whole class turn even more against me, and even the very instructor had a word with me in private.

I mean, I couldn’t have been more embarrassed with myself. Instead of handling the situation like any mare should, I instead decided to act irrationally, and it caused me to have a talking to. Worst part now is that I dreamt of similar scenarios as I rested last night.

But, there is more to this that drives me absolutely batty. So, and here is the kicker, I actually miss my childhood memories. My chest burns with a desire to recapture the moments no matter how horrendous they truly were. The times that have passed have left me filled with a feeling I can’t describe for the life of me, and it’s driving me bonkers.

Do other ponies experience this? Do they too understand how it feels to long for a time they can no longer recapture? It’s like looking at a very old photo of yourself, and having a wave of nostalgia hit you like a cart traveling at top speed down the streets of Manehatten. Well, if they do I’d like to hear their perspective on the matter, because it could hold some sort of insight that I need desperately.

I heard this one saying from some foreign pony a fair bit ago. ‘For auld lang syne.’ They told me it basically means for time gone by, and I can’t think of a more apt description to associate with this sudden commotion I’ve found myself in.

Time has gone by, and rather quick actually. I haven’t been out on my own in the world for many years, and the fact I’ve become acquainted with such prestigious musical groups is beyond me. Sometimes everything moves by too quickly for me to keep up, and I end up fumbling back towards the earth. I hate it, but at the same time I can’t help but be fascinated by it.

I look back and all I see is memories that still hold meaning to me. I don’t care if they are sour, or sweet, I just want them back. I keep looking back, yet I can’t push myself to look forward. By Celestia’s name I don’t think I’ve ever been more unappeased in my life.

Ahem, excuse me, that was rather too emotional. As I was saying, I can’t help but look back in anger. Not just for my actions, but for not being able to be what I used to be. Funny enough I find what I used to hate to be some of the most cherishable moments of my life.

I believe I should consult Vinyl with this. Maybe she will have more to say on the matter than I could. Who knows, she understands these sorts of things, and always knows what to say. I admire that part about her, but I won’t lie that it can get a tinsy bit annoying if she decides to mock more with her wisdom. She can be too much of a smart alec sometimes.

Well, there is also the fact I need to go up to the attic, and fix the place up. I know I’ve got some stuff in there that needs to be thrown out, and other bits and bobs to be moved around. Who knows, I could find something that I was trying to find earlier, only to stumble upon it in the most unlikely of places.

For future reference, please don’t get overly emotional in these sorts of things. It only leaves the page messy, and unappealing to look at.

* * * *

Octavia set her quill down gently onto her desk. The droplets of little tears stained the paper she worked tirelessly over. Compared to her other entries it was rather sloppily thrown together. Never had she shown show so much emotion in a few short words.

She sighed. “Well, the day certainly isn’t going to start itself.” She shook her head to clear her thoughts. Getting up from her seat, she decided that now was probably the best time to spruce up her little writing area.

“Let’s just dump these in here.” She picked up the stray pieces of paper lying on her desk, and threw them into the trash next to the furniture. “And wipe off this here, and it’ll look good as new.” The dust that collected over the past week disappeared in a blink of an eye, and Octavia let out a more content sigh as a way to congratulate herself on a job well done.

With that out of the way she began her little walk to the living room. The studio area always a pleasant sight to see in the morning. Vinyl was nowhere to be seen, but there was a couple of snores to be heard echoing down the hall.

“He he.” Octavia giggled to herself, as she made her way towards the restroom. Inside she turned on the shower, and washed herself over thoroughly, and adeptly. A mare such as herself had to maintain appearances after all, plus she was a complete wreck from the tears she shed earlier.

After she was all cleaned up, and dried off, she put on her most luxurious bow-tie, and made her way towards the kitchen. I know exactly what will wake Vinyl up. She thought to herself, opening the fridge, and grabbing a couple of eggs, and greens from the inside.

A flare, and a sizzle then mixed into the cacophony of noise that was Vinyl’s relentless throat rumbles. It was a sound only to be associated with the morning.

Octavia was crafting an omelet, with some daffodils, and bell peppers thrown into the dish. The smell was to die for, and the taste was bound to be even more so. When she finished cooking the eggs, she placed them upon two platters, one she set off to the side, and the other on the kitchen table. Taking a seat, she began to dig into her creation.

I do wonder what is up there in that attic of ours. Been living here just long enough to forget exactly what we packed into that tiny room. I’m actually quite excited at the prospect; it’s kinda like our little own adventure into the unknown. Octavia thought introspectively.

To the amazement of nopony, Vinyl made her way into the kitchen with eyes long and weary. She let out a hefty yawn, and waved a hoof towards Octavia.

“Good morning to you too, Vinyl. Sleep well? I certainly could tell you were out of it.” She giggled to herself.

Vinyl ignored her friend's words and snatched up the breakfast that was made for her. She sat down across from Octavia, and tore into the cuisine. The tune of munches, and glorps was the primary sound to invade both their ears.

“So I’ve got to thinking we should clear out our attic. Been so long since any of us have actually been up there, and was most curious as to what we would find. Do you think you’d be willing to lend me a hoof, I’m sure it’d only take an hour or so.” Octavia relayed her thoughts to Vinyl in between bites of food.

Vinyl looked up from the mess she was making, her plate looking like a warzone, and gave Octavia the biggest shrug she had ever seen.

“Well, I don’t want to burden you. You know that I am aware of how much work you’ve put into this upcoming album, and how much it means to you. If you think you’d rather work on that instead, by all means just tell me.”

“Nah, it’s all good, Tavi.” Vinyl spoke, finishing up her morning meal.

“Oh, okay. If you say you’d rather help me, then I won’t make a single complaint.” Octavia beamed, quickly picking up the two of their plates, and tossing them into the sink. “Well, no time like the present to get started, am I right?”

Vinyl raised an eyebrow, pointing directly at her tired eyes.

“Well, I suppose I should allow you to wake up some before I can expect you to give me a hoof.” Octavia sheepishly replied. “Alright, Vinyl, I’ll be up in the attic in the meantime, so please wake up as soon as possible.”

Octavia left the kitchen, and proceeded to the main hallway of the house. There was a little square hatch in the center with a little string dangling from it. Unfortunately for Octavia there was a great distance from the roof and herself.

“Blast it all.” She cursed softly, and looked around to see if there was anyway to get the passageway open. Seeing nothing she grunted in frustration. “Why couldn’t Vinyl just have some coffee with her breakfast, then she could have just used her magic to solve this conundrum.”

She walked over to a closet situated a few hoof steps away from her. Opening the room up revealed to her a couple of things. The first was an avalanche of different objects falling down on her, and two was that one of the objects happened to be a stool stuffed into the cramped compartment.

Unburying herself from the newly made disaster, she picked up the stool, and brought it just below the string she had to reach. I can worry about that mess later, right now I have this task to focus on. She told herself internally.

She stepped up onto the stool, and noticed how it didn’t give her enough height to reach the sting still. “Rrrrgh.” She grinded her teeth, now standing on her back hooves. Her balance was wonky, and she teeter tottered back and forth; to and fro.

Luck happened to be on her side, however, because she managed to grip the what she was after with her front hooves. Though, and to her surprise, the luck she had ran out quicker than she had expected, and the stool she was standing on tipped over leaving her dangling by the string in her hooves.

“Uraaa,” She yelled in a panic. The hatch also opened up, the ladder that she was trying to to get that lead to the room came crashing down along with her. She fell with a loud ‘thud’ onto the hard floor below.

Her vision flashed, and before she knew it, it was like she wa seeing a set of stars floating around her. She shook her head and said, “Ouch.”

Rubbing her head a couple of times, she stood up and did a little victory dance, which was greeted by the uproarious laughter of Vinyl just down the hall. Octavia turned faster than a bolt of lightning to greet her friend with a bright red face. “How long have you been standing there?” She asked with a squeaky voice.

She gave the most coy of shrugs ever witnessed by anypony. The blunt force of it washing over Octavia like a category five hurricane. Octavia looked up at the newly opened attic, and then towards the ladder that led up to the place.

“Well, you seem live and well, so come join me up here, and reorganize the disarray of random nonsense with me.” She climbed halfway up the ladder before adding. “I’m serious, Vinyl. I just have this feeling we’re going to find something worth the hard work.”

Not wanting to protest, and also curious as to what was in store, Vinyl made her way up the ladder as well. Inside the place was a cart load full of dust, and grime. The place showing clear signs of how long it had not been seen by anypony’s eyes.

Octavia coughed a bit. “Vinyl, could you please use some magic to light this place up a bit. It is rather dark, don’t you think?”

Vinyl nodded in agreement, though Octavia couldn’t tell that she did for the life of her. Summoning her magic within her horn, Vinyl produced a ball of light that hovered in the center of the room. It’s cerulean aura encompassing the entirety of the attic.

“Oh, my!” Octavia gasped as she laid eyes upon the place for the first time. The area, albeit small as it was, was jam packed with instruments, boxes, and other decorations that had gone to waste.

Vinyl whistled as she scooted closer towards a large stack of boxes. She examined them from the outside, trying to see if there was any indication to what lay within. This lead to her frowning as the box only said the words 'Kitchen equipment' in black ink.

“Hmm, how are we going to go about this.” Octavia wondered aloud. She sized up the place, particularly the larger instruments, and crates. “Oh, I think you’ll help more than you might expect.” She looked at her friend. “Vinyl, I see some stuff behind that there harp.” She pointed her hoof at the angelic musical tool. “Would you be a dear, and move it over to the other side of the room, please?”

Vinyl gave her a salute, before enveloping the harp in her magic. The psychokinesis prowess of the mare more impressive than what others might have thought. She delicately handled the instrument with a graceful care as she slowly set it down where Octavia had instructed.

“Thank you very much.” Octavia smiled, heading over to the now accessible stack of boxes. “Now I do wonder what’s over here.” She took the container that was at the top of the stack, slowly setting it down on the ground. “Alright. Oh, hey, Vinyl come over here, quickly.” Octavia beckoned the DJ.

Vinyl did as she was told, and took a seat next to Octavia.

“Look at what this says?” Octavia asked, pointing her hoof at the writing on the box.

“Would you look at that.” Vinyl said, the words ‘Old photos’ plastered over the sealed surface. “Well, let’s open it up, Tavi. I’m eager to see what’s inside.” Vinyl used her magic to form a small, sharp blade to cut right through the plastic that covered the opening of the box. Octavia then did the rest of the work with filly like glee.

Inside was, as expected, a huge bundle of photos. Taking a large sum of them out, Octavia began to flip through them, showing each one of them off to Vinyl. “Oh, look at this one. This was when we were dressed up as vampires for Nightmare Night. I believe that was the year we met.”

Vinyl nodded, but prompted her to keep going. Nostalgia was running rampant in the room, and there was no leash in all of Equestria that could stop the beast. A couple of photos went by without a second glance, but Octavia stopped on another that peaked her interest.

“This was when I first got my cutie mark.” Octavia said with a sigh. The pictured showed her as a filly in tears, as she clung to her cello like it would disappear if she dared to even lift a hoof off of it.

Vinyl took some photos in her magic, flipping through them faster than Octavia was going through hers. She stopped halfway through, her head tilted, and a huge smile gracing her features.

“What did you find, love?” Asked Octavia, as she scooted closer to Vinyl to get a look at what she had found. When she saw the photo, she cooed in delight, as she felt herself melt in her own fur. “Mom took that photo of us when I first brought you over to my place. My, she was so happy that I was finally able to make a friend.”

Octavia went back to her pile of photographs, reaching the end without seeing any others of interest. “Well, that's the end of this stack, what about your’s?”

Vinyl was silent, her grin replaced with a slight frown. “I’m not sure how you’d take looking at this, but here you go.” She laid the photo in Octavia’s hooves, almost wincing as her friend gasped in shock.

It was a picture of her father, mother, and herself. She felt herself get teary eyed, while also having that same sense of anger she was filled with previously that morning. “This was the last photo we had taken before my father, well, passed on from this world.”

Vinyl wrapped a hoof around Octavia, letting the warmth of her body comfort her as she felt more tears fall from her eyes. “Vinyl, you know what? I’m glad I decided to check up on this place.”

She wrapped her hooves around the DJ, almost suffocating her with how strong the grip was. “I think I’ve learned something of value, and would love to share it with you.”

Vinyl placed her head above Octavia’s, and whispered into her ears. “I’d be honored to.” She, as well, felt closer to her friend, the photos of them both almost begging her to give her bestest friend in the whole wide world the greatest hug ever to be had.

“Today, I was so angry at my past. Angry at what had happened, and absolutely livid that I could never go back to revisit it. Now, though, now I’m just happy it happened.” She parted from Vinyl’s embrace. “Most of all I’m glad you were there to experience it with me, and that you’re here now.”

Vinyl flushed, and rubbed the back of her neck. “Tavi.” She let out, unable to form any other words, but they weren’t needed. Octavia understood perfectly well what Vinyl had meant to say, even if there was no utterance.

“So, should we get back to fixing this place up. I don’t know about you, but I few tears are not going to stop me from combating this sin against the cleanliness gods.”

Vinyl giggled. “No need to tell me twice, this place is a little too thrashed, even for me.”

The rest of the morning, and afternoon was spent with making sure that their attic would look just as wonderful as the memories they shared. The past no longer plaguing the mind of Octavia, as she found inner peace with what had already transpired a long time ago.

Comments

[Jack of a Few Trades]

Another solid entry in the story. Good stuff, man!

[Not Enough Coffee]

8560286
This was actually the chapter I was most proud of when I finished it. Possibly due to how simple it was, or for what it represented to me. As always, thanks for the wonderful feedback, it keeps me going day to day.