Spectrum of Gray

by Amber Spark

Gray Clouds

Rainbow Dash didn’t understand a lot of things.

Normally, she didn’t really mind all that much. She didn’t think she was stupid, of course. She was one of the greatest fliers to come out of Cloudsdale. She’d helped save Equestria more times than she could count. Her encyclopedic knowledge of Daring Do was rivaled only by Twilight… and well, Daring Do herself, obviously. What she knew about flight choreography, aerial maneuvers, and pegasus combat could fill half of the new Shining Oaks Library. Granted, she wasn’t great on the theory of stuff, but she was amazing at doing stuff. That had only ever really bothered her once and that time, her friends had saved her flank.

Some ponies called her arrogant because she knew exactly how awesome she was. Rainbow didn’t really care about them. She cared way more for the ponies who actually took the time to get to know her. Her best friends, of course. One of those in particular, in fact. That one… she was special. She got Rainbow.

Well, she… had. Even feeling like every feather on her wings had been plucked, she couldn’t stop thinking about that special pony.

The pony in the farmhouse below her. The pony who knew her better than anypony in Equestria… anypony in the world. The pony who had said yes to Rainbow’s clumsy attempt at a first date—which had been a total disaster, but still totally awesome at the same time. The pony who had always pushed her to be better. The pony who, a long time ago, would happily go for a run after a long day in the field. The pony who managed to keep a whole apple farm running on her own. A pony willing to whack Rainbow upside the head when she was being really needed it… and then still wrap her hooves around her in bed with her a few minutes later.

The pony who’d actually burst into tears when Rainbow had suggested that real old tradition. The pony who’d looked amazing in that white Stetson ten years ago. The pony who’d given her the studs she would wear for the rest of her life.

The pony who had a month or so ago… told her…

The pony who’d been crying when she came home four days ago…

The pony Rainbow swore she’d never hurt…

The pony… who had… she had asked her to… to...

Twilight sat beside Rainbow now. She was a little fuzzy on how Twilight had moved the two of them inside the cold and damp cloud house. Probably magic. Rainbow didn’t really care. Actually, she didn’t care at all. She just looked out through one of the half-melted windows to the dark farmhouse and the balcony she’d helped build four years ago. Behind those fancy double-doors, Rainbow knew Applejack slept. That’s all she did anymore.

“All she ever does now is work and sleep,” Rainbow whispered.

Twilight nodded. She’d arrived an hour ago or something like that. During that whole time, Twilight had barely said anything. Well, at least after all that stuff when she’d first shown up. After that, she’d wrapped a wing around Rainbow and let her cry. The alicorn had since backed off a little, but Rainbow could still feel the wing around her. Almost as if Twilight had used some weird emotion spell. It felt so real… even though it wasn’t there. Not for the first time, Rainbow wondered what might have happened if Twilight and her…

She shook the thoughts away. A tiny piece of her didn’t want to let go of that stupid fantasy, but she forced it away. It didn’t matter how lonely she felt. Rainbow couldn’t do it. She wouldn’t do it. That wasn’t her. She hated herself every time she thought about it. She also hated how much she thought about thinking about it.

Twilight stared at the farmhouse, oblivious to everything going on in Rainbow’s head.

Rainbow decided she was sick of being in her own head. She’d been there since she’d come home—no, since she’d come back. And right now her head felt a lot like this place did: cold, dark, and depressing.

“Did you really not know?” Rainbow said, her voice coming out as little more than a croak.

“About you having problems?” Twilight whispered.

Rainbow nodded.

“You two always had your rough patches.” Twilight started to shrug but caught herself. “I knew you went through a few in the last couple of years. And now that I really think about it, both of you have seemed down for months. But… I didn’t realize she’d… well…”

“Kicked me out?”

There. She’d finally said it. Twilight even cringed and everything. Then, after an awkward few seconds, Twilight nodded a tiny little nod.

“Eh,” Rainbow muttered, poking at the window frame and watching a patch of stormcloud puff into nothingness. “She didn’t like… throw me out. She asked… she asked for…” Rainbow’s voice caught in her throat. “She asked for a… a… a separ—a break.” She took a breath. She could do this. “Said the new counselor she’s been talking to down on Clover Street recommended it. Think her name is… Doc Heart Shield?” Rainbow forced herself not to grit her teeth at the mention of that pony. Despite everything, she actually didn’t blame her for suggesting it to AJ. She’d hated her at first. Then Rainbow had gotten over it. She hated herself more for being the cause of whatever Applejack had said to her. “Applejack… she said something about… finding herself. Figuring out who she is.”

“Applejack?” Twilight blinked a few times. She looked about as confused as Rainbow had been when AJ had first said that to her. “She… needs to figure out who she is?”

“Yeah. Funny thing?” Rainbow’s laugh sounded like claws on a chalkboard. “Happened a few days before our tenth anniversary. AJ came home from counseling. We were going to spend some time reading together that night. Nothing fancy. Then she came in… looking like… really down. Like… she sometimes looks when she hears stuff about her Ma and Pa from Grand Pear or Granny Smith. Or when Big Mac ended up moving north to be with Sugar Belle to start up their new farm in Markstown.” Rainbow snorted. “Can’t believe they went so long without naming that place and when they finally got around to it, they named it Markstown. So stupid.”

“They were going to name it Starlight,” Twilight pointed out with a shrug. “Until Starlight found out and totally freaked. And you’re trying to change the subject, Rainbow.”

“Don’t care.” Rainbow shuffled slightly, trying to settle herself into the cold floor and not doing a very good job of it. “It’s a stupid name. Anyway. Yeah. She came home… like that.”

Rainbow’s stomach twisted. It was probably because she hadn’t eaten anything all day. Hadn’t really felt like it. Hadn’t been hungry. Or maybe… maybe it was simply because it hurt to remember AJ’s face that night.

“But that was like… four months ago!” Twilight protested. “What happened? Am… am I just the last to know?”

“Nah,” Rainbow shook her head. “AJ didn’t want you girls to worry about it. Thought it was private. Especially after I kinda forced her to ask you girls for help for so long.”

“We didn’t mind helping out at the farm!” Twilight scooted a little closer but continued to stare out the window. “We… we just can’t do it as often as you two needed.”

Twilight paused. Rainbow had a feeling she wanted to say more. Rainbow was glad when she just whispered, “So… how’d it happen?”

“I think it started with me not doing the dishes enough? Maybe laundry? I don’t remember. How sad is that? Anyway, I kinda freaked when I saw how upset she was. Pushed her hard. it snowballed and just sorta… spilled out. I thought somepony had messed with her. I was ready to go pound somepony’s face into the dirt.” Rainbow laughed. When was the last time she had laughed and it hadn’t felt sour and terrible? “Kinda sucked when I found out that pony was me.”

“I’m so sorry, Rainbow…”

Rainbow ran her hooves over her face. “Yeah, I’m more sorry for her.”

“What do you mean?”

Rainbow shook her head. For somepony so smart, Twilight could be pretty thick sometimes. Then again… she’d been with Sunset for what… a year or two now? Something like that. Well, they’d been married for like a year or two. They’d been dating for a lot longer. Rainbow couldn’t remember. She didn’t really care. She should have. She knew that in a distant way. But she didn’t really care about… well, not caring. It was kinda hard to care about anything right now. No matter how long Twilight and Sunset had been together… neither knew what it was like.

Sprints were Rainbow Dash’s specialty. She hated marathons. This had been the only one she’d ever done that meant a damn to her.

“No matter what happens, AJ ends up alone, all day. Yeah, another Apple comes by occasionally to help, but that’s it. I don’t need to remind you what happened when we tried to hire outside help, right?”

Twilight’s eyes shifted to charred remains of the half-acre near the center of the east orchard.

“It wasn’t their fault. They weren’t ready for a freak Everfree storm.”

“It wasn’t the storm and you know it,” Rainbow settled down on her hooves, glaring at the dead trees. “For eight months, AJ had to be a manager instead of a farmer. Celestia, she hated that. You know what she told me teaching employees—she hated that word too—the Apple Family way was like? Like trying to get Gummy to do a Sonic Rainboom.”

“You could have tried again,” Twilight pointed out.

Rainbow buried her face in the cold clouds of her new house… even though it was her old house. She let out a muffled sigh. “We tried three times, Twilight. It took me four years to get to the point where AJ trusted me to handle the farm on my own for even a day. Do you remember how much she lost it the first time they left Apple Bloom at home alone?”

Twilight chuckled. Maybe she thought it was funny. Maybe she just thought she was supposed to laugh like this was some sort of stupid therapy script. Laugh when the dumb pony says something that might be vaguely funny.

“Anyway.” Rainbow lifted her head a little so she could slip her hooves beneath it and returned to staring out the window. “I tried bringing it up again once or twice. But after that fire… she isn’t ever gonna do that again. The training, the ‘micromanagement’ thing… Did you know having those guys ended up costing us more bits than they brought in? There’s, like, another dozen reasons. I still try to bring it up. It’s the only thing I can think of… Then we usually get into it.” Rainbow glanced over to give Twilight a level stare. “And by usually, I mean like every time.”

“She could always ask us again!” Twilight protested. “We used to do that for you! I know she thinks she’s taking advantage of us, but we want to help!”

“This isn’t something that you can just fix in a few hours!” Rainbow laughed. It sounded even more sour than before. “What do you think this is, Princess Twilight? You think Fluttershy can just drop her work at the Sanctuary to help AJ buck apples? Or Rarity’s going to stop her new job as royal tailor? Not to mention her design work for… how many shops does she have now? Like twelve?”

“Fifteen,” Twilight replied, looking distant.

“Fifteen, huh?” Rainbow smirked and let out a little sigh. “I remember her panicking over the Saddle Row one. Anyway, Rarity can’t just drop everything. The Cakes semi-retired, so Pinkie’s running Sugarcube Corner. And you’ve got more important things to do than harvest fruit. Plus, your wife is like Supermage over all of Equestria or something.”

“Archmage,” Twilight snapped. It was funny how annoyed she got when Rainbow used the wrong title for Sunset. Well, usually funny. “Princess Celestia named Sunset Archmage.”

“Whatever,” Rainbow waved it off with a hoof. Twilight glared at her. Rainbow still didn’t care. “This isn’t back when we were kids, Twilight. Back then, you had your grad studies. I ran the Weather Patrol. Rarity had a single shop. Pinkie Pie did some of the baking for the Cakes. Flutters did her animal thing. But AJ? AJ was still AJ.”

Memories flashed across her mind. Ego-driven races, AJ being stupid and not coming home after that rodeo, silly dares in the Castle of the Two Sisters… and all the little moments in between.

“She was always AJ,” Rainbow whispered, her heart wrenching a little more in her chest.

“We weren’t kids,” Twilight said. She actually sounded a little annoyed now.

Rainbow stared at her until Twilight looked away, flushing with embarrassment.

“That’s what I thought,” Rainbow muttered. Seriously, Twilight really needed to stop getting hung up on stupid details. “Anyway, yeah. It’s just her. Big Mac? He’s got a baby. All of Markstown depend on him and Sugar Belle now. AJ would kick his flank to Griffonstone and back if he tried to leave his new home so he could work the fields at Sweet Apple Acres. We both know Granny’s too old to work the farm. One of the reasons she moved up there to help look after little Amber Apple.”

Twilight sighed and shook her head. But Rainbow wasn’t done yet.

“And when Applejack talks about Apple Bloom? Well… she talks about her like I talk about Scoots. We’re crazy proud. We’re not gonna rain on their parade. They’re doing something really awesome, crusading across Equestria, helping ponies.”

“That just leaves…”

“Me,” Rainbow smiled bitterly at Twilight. “Me. The Wonderbolt’s new XO. Second-in-command, right under Spitfire herself! Touring across Equestria and beyond! The only pegasus in living memory who can perform the legendary Sonic Rainboom!” Rainbow Dash pushed herself to her hooves and struck that pose she’d used for her official promotion portrait. “Former Bearer of the Element of Loyalty! One of The Six. You know that’s what some ponies call us now, right? The Six. Nice and dramatic, huh? Heroic even!”

Rainbow put on her best grin for Twilight and then it fell off like the stupid mask it was. She fell back to the ground with a whump.

“I’d throw it all in the trash to see her smile again,” Rainbow growled. “A real smile. Not that fake thing she’s been giving me since Apple Bloom moved out. A real smile!” Rainbow hated how her voice cracked. “For months now… maybe years? I always come home to that fake smile. Always. It never reaches her eyes, Twilight. It never reaches her eyes!”

Rainbow choked on all the dull memories. All the stupid conversations about nothing. Yeah, she knew that AJ and her weren’t superbrainiacs like Twilight, Sunset or Starlight. But even if they were talking about nothing, it still meant something. Now… the words were as worthless as a concrete flight harness. But past the words… seeing those eyes hurt more. They used to be so alive.

Now? They always had bags under them. And there was nothing there! Nothing!

She missed her Applejack. She didn’t know this Applejack. Not anymore.

“I miss her, Twilight,” Rainbow didn’t even care about the tears. “I miss the AJ I got hitched to. I miss the mare who used to love running, swimming… or just being there! We don’t… we don’t even have fights. Not for a while.”

Twilight sucked in a breath through her teeth. Yeah, Rainbow should have known that would get her attention. Her fights with AJ used to be the stuff of legends. Now? AJ was always too tired… and seeing her like that? It always made Rainbow tired.

“Twilight… we’re not even married anymore. We’re roommates. Well… we were.” She lifted a hoof to the cold gray clouds around them. “We were.”

“It can’t be that bad, Rainbow.” Twilight sounded like she was begging. Sounded a bit like Rainbow a few months ago. Hadn’t done her any good. Why should it help Twilight? “Please… I… I can’t stand to see you like this. This isn’t you! And… you two… if things have been going on so long, why didn’t you say anything to us?”

“Told ya. Applejack wanted to keep it to herself. I think she’s got this picture in her head of how families are supposed to work. Especially married ones. You handle your own stuff. Maybe it’s an earth pony thing. But I wasn’t about to go around blabbing that AJ and I were having a rough time.”

“But… it can’t be that bad!” Twilight repeated. That was usually a sign she was like crazy upset. Oh well. “I can’t believe it’s that bad.”

“You’re kidding, right?” Rainbow scoffed. “Every day I’m out there busting my chops practicing to be the best Wonderbolt I can be! I’m literally living my dream I’ve had since I was a filly, but it’s crazy brutal.” Rainbow flexed her wings and groaned a little, remembering that turn she had to make to pull off the Icaranian Sun Salutation for Dragon Lord Ember. “When I used to get home, I was always exhausted, but when I saw her there… usually in the kitchen cooking up dinner? Twilight, it didn’t matter what crazy stunt we had just practiced. It could have been a double rainboom for pony’s sake! Seeing her? That used the best part of my day. Did things to me that no triple barrel roll with an inverted sideways corkscrew could ever do.”

Twilight shuffled a little. “When did that stop?”

“I don’t know! I just… at first, the fights got worse, okay? AJ kept going on about how I didn’t pull my weight around the house. Around the farm. But that wasn’t fair! Every bit I make with the Wonderbolts goes into the farm! By the time the weekend came along, I’m dead on my hooves. My wings ache like crazy. I just need some rest… but on this stupid farm there’s always something to do! Always more chores! Always something! We never get a stupid break!”

Rainbow knew she was screaming. She could tell because Twilight’s ears were plastered to her head and she was cringing again. Winona howled below her. Her own ears hurt. She could even hear her voice echoing out over the fields.

She should have cared. If she woke up Applejack… it would make everything so much worse. They’d get into it again. Then Applejack would force her to move to the other side of the Everfree… which was really what she deserved…

She wrapped her hooves over her head and tried to bury herself in the clouds, wishing she could just melt into the storm below.

“Did you talk to her about it?” Twilight asked in a tiny voice from what sounded like halfway across Equestria.

“I tried a few times,” Rainbow muttered. “But nothing ever got fixed. Twilight, Applejack’s right! There is always something to do on this stupid farm! That’s the problem! If somehow AJ gets it all done early… she’s too exhausted to do anything but maybe read a book. Half the time, she falls asleep in it! Six months ago? Remember the vacation I managed to set up for us? When Braeburn and a few of his cousins came out to the farm? She spent half of our time in Vanhoover sleeping! Just… there was nothing there. Same stupid dead smile!” Rainbow fought back another wave of tears. “For Celestia’s sake… it was better when we were just friends…”

“But… it’s…” Twilight sputtered. “There has to be a solution!”

“Don’t you think I’ve tried coming up with something?” Rainbow screeched at her. “Anything? But nothing works! The way I see it, there’s only one thing I can do. We do this right, we might be able to earn enough bits and not lose the farm. My pension will help make up for things while I get settled. Just need to make the jump.”

“So that’s it?” Twilight demanded. “You just decide to throw away your life’s dream?”

“Gotta make a choice, Twi,” Rainbow whispered as she settled herself down again and stared at the farmhouse. “The mare I love or the life I love.”

“That’s not a choice you should have to make,” Twilight said. “It’s not fair.”

“You’re right. It’s not. It’s also not fair that AJ’s been running this place since her Ma and Pa passed on. It’s not fair that Big Mac ended up having to move to Markstown when their farms got all messed after Chrysalis took the town hostage. Not fair when Granny Smith moved up there to help take care of Amber Apple. Not fair that my dream ends up with me on the other side of the planet every two months.”

Twilight didn’t respond. Rainbow wasn’t really surprised. What were you supposed to say? It was the truth. It sucked. But it was the truth.

“That’s why you’ve been checking out all those books,” Twilight murmured as the egghead finally got it. “You’ve been studying, trying to figure out how to do more around the farm. You’ve been doing that for… over a year? Rainbow… you hate learning stuff from textbooks. How long have you been planning this?”

“She’s worth it.” Rainbow muttered. She shifted forward so she could get a better picture of the double doors of their bedroom in the farmhouse. For a split second, she thought she saw something, but then it vanished. “I’ve gotten more and more wrapped up in the Wonderbolts when I should have realized she was drowning, Twilight. It just… I didn’t think about it! We’d have fights and I’d think we’d made up and stuff… then she’d pull out my screw-ups for the next time. Always yelling at me at how hard she works to keep our home afloat… like what I do doesn’t matter!”

“Rainbow!” Twilight snapped. She sounded scared, for some reason. “You can’t actually believe that! Applejack would never say that! She knows how important the Wonderbolts are to you!”

“I know,” Rainbow groaned.

“That’s why—”

“I know!” Rainbow bellowed, but didn’t bother turning around to look at Twilight. “I know! I just… that night? After she came home from seeing that stupid shrink? She told me all the stuff she wanted me to start doing. Well, I told her what I wanted in return!”

Silence descended. Even the crickets outside were quiet. Like they cared.

“What did you ask for?”

“Asked for the mare I used to date back.” Rainbow knocked off a chunk the size of her foreleg from her house and watched it float away.

“And? What did she say?”

Rainbow was out of tears. She was too tired for any more tears. “Said she didn’t know if that pony was still there.”

Twilight got up, walked forward, and sat beside Rainbow. One of Twilight’s stupidly-big alicorn wings wrapped around her again. Rainbow wasn’t cold. She was a pegasus. She didn’t get cold. She was shivering anyway. The wing helped a little.

“When I came back from this last tour…” Rainbow whispered. “I asked her about those things she wanted me to do. Normal stuff. Trash, dishes, laundry, you know? Even wanted me to make dinner once in a while. Asked her if she was happy with how I was doing on it. You know what she said?”

She didn’t see Twilight shake her head. She did feel it though.

“She told me, ‘Yeah, sugarcube. You done right by me.’” Rainbow swallowed. She didn’t really want to tell Twilight this. She hadn’t told anypony this. But she needed to tell somepony. “‘Ain’t the problem. Figured out what it was… ain’t you. It’s me. You’re doing everything right. But still hurts, you know?’”

“Oh, Rainbow…”

“The worst part was I… I knew she wasn’t asking for, like more or anything. She was happy with what I’d done. Just all the stuff she’s bottled up? It’s like cider with a single bad apple in it. Ruins the whole barrel. And before you make a joke, you go through enough cider seasons, you pick up on stuff like that!”

“I wasn’t going to make a joke, Rainbow.” Twilight squeezed her with her wing. “I care about you too much to do something like that to you.”

Rainbow nodded. She watched the doors. Just stared at them.

“You think retiring from the Wonderbolts will help?” Twilight asked. She didn’t sound all judgmental now. It was a nice change. Only problem was she asked a bad question. Well, okay, fine. Not a bad question. Just a question with a bad answer.

“Probably not.” Rainbow shifted slightly into Twilight’s winghug. “Twilight… I don’t even know if AJ’s really there anymore. I… I don’t think I can help her. But I’m not going to stop trying! Nothing will make me stop trying!”

“Dr. Peony—he’s the pony who worked with Sunset and me—he said that… well, in the end, you can’t force a pony to really change. They have to do it. If Applejack really has…” Twilight hesitated. “I don’t know, lost herself, while we can be there for her… ultimately? It’s up to her.”

“Yeah, he said that to me too.”

Twilight shifted in surprise. “You’ve—”

“Luna ‘happened’ to wander through a nightmare a while back. Dropped his name. Been seeing him every week for a few months now, at least when I’m not on tour. Yeah, Twilight. I wasn’t gonna waste another chance at trying to get through to her! Believe it or not… I really want to fix this. But I can’t. He said that I need to focus on making me better. Said that this is a second chance for me. And for her. Once we get that, we’ll get a second chance for us. Ugh. Stupid psychobabble.” Rainbow gritted her teeth so hard her head hurt. “I have to trust her to come back on her own. I hate waiting. It sucks.”

“Yeah, it does,” Twilight admitted.

Almost all of it was out. Even cranky old Doc Peony hadn’t gotten this much out of her until like, two months had passed. But there was that last stupid thing. Rainbow tried to keep the words down, but the guilt. Ponyfeathers. She hated the guilt. Especially considering the earlier thoughts about the mare next to her.

“Twilight…” Rainbow licked her lips. Twilight perked up a little as if she figured out this was the big one. “AJ wants to have foals.”

“What?” Rainbow knew Twilight had heard her. Probably just surprised.

“Probably adopt them. She doesn’t really trust that…” Rainbow coughed, “special procedure for couples like us. She’s got it in her head that she’s like failing every Apple who ever lived by not building a family of her own. Nothing I say will get through to her. And with every month, it’s killing her, because she knows she can’t handle this farm and foals at the same time, not with me as a Wonderbolt.”

Twilight didn’t say a word. She could have been a statue. She was quiet for so long, Rainbow had to look to make sure she hadn’t fallen asleep or something. She hadn’t. She just stared at Rainbow with an open mouth and pain in her eyes.

“That’s the other reason you want to retire?”

Rainbow nodded slowly.

“You want to give her a chance to live her dream.”

Rainbow nodded again.

“You know she’d probably kill you if you tried.”

Rainbow nodded and decided to add a shrug to it this time.

Then the silence came back. It lasted forever. Days, weeks, months… even years passed as the moon wandered around up there in the sky, doing whatever Luna wanted.

A flash of magic blinded Rainbow for a moment. When she could see again, she looked down and her resignation letter sat at her hooves.

“I’m sorry,” Twilight said quietly. “I shouldn’t have taken it away from you.”

“You thought you were helping,” Rainbow muttered. She was too tired to be angry at her. “I get it.”

“You still need to talk to her about it.”

Rainbow nodded one last time. “I know.”

“You want me to go? So you can go down there and…”

“Not ready yet,” Rainbow replied, her tongue feeling thick. “Maybe… maybe we could just sit here for a little longer?”

It was Twilight’s turn to nod.

“I’m sorry. It sounds like you’ve both been alone for a long time.”

“Yeah, we have.”

Twilight’s wing squeezed around Rainbow so tightly it knocked the breath from her.

“You don’t have to be anymore. I’m not her… but I can at least be here for you.”

Rainbow managed to push out a mumbled thanks before she settled back down to watch the balcony doors, Twilight at her side.

Rainbow Dash didn’t understand a lot of things.

But as they sat there in the cold house made of stormclouds and watched the dark farmhouse, she was glad she had friends who at least tried to understand. Twilight couldn’t get it all, of course. Rainbow hoped she never did. The price of learning this kind of thing… learning so you got it… well, it royally sucked.

Yeah, the only thing Rainbow really understood for sure right now was life sucked. Now… she had to figure out what to do about it. Not for Rainbow. Nah. Definitely not for her. She didn’t deserve that kind of consideration. Not after letting things get this screwed up. But Applejack deserved better. She deserved better and then some. Rainbow was going to make sure she got it.

No matter what.

Author's Note:

"[Love] does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

- 1 Corinthians 13:5