• Member Since 9th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen November 10th

vamparity


What is a pony? A fabulous little pile of secrets. But enough talk...

T
Source

Apple Bloom's friends romanticize the idea of how special a first kiss is and how she'll remember it for the rest of her life.

It'd be a shame if somepony messed that up for her.

A real shame.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 40 )

nice entry to the story got my attention

Twilight followed sunset making way for starlight.

Is this a joke or something?

this was really sweet i love it
8438980
i thought that was clever word play

8438980
:trollestia:

sorry, couldn't help myself. i know i was probably channeling too much smarmy Diamond Tiara in this, definitely spilled out in the narration there.

It's been at least seven years and sis still won't let me run the stand."

I see what you did there.

"You're welcome," Apple Bloom giggled. "See? Wasn't so bad."
They stared at each other. Diamond Tiara evaluated the new power dynamic between them, in a purely business sense, and concluded that she did not approve. .

No kidding! AB is ridiculously smooth in this story! Possibly a little too smooth. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but dang!

"Holy Celestia!"

Scootaloo is my hero.

At first I was thinking "I'm liking this!" but Diamond Tiara's dialogue/thoughts are making me neeeervoooous.

"Nice first kiss you've got set up here. Would be a shame if something happened to it."

I don't know if our heroines are entirely in character (I get that they're a bit older), but I like how they're written regardless. This has been a pretty good story.

She shifted awkwardly, clearing her throat. "I know the colors on the shield are meant to represent you, but they had my colors in there too. I liked to imagine your cutie marks were my royal seal and you were my knights."

Interesting thought...would make for a cool AU!

Gah, my story knocked out of the feature box by adorable slice of life fic? Not even mad.

Congrats on being featured!

Twilight followed sunset making way for starlight.

I can't quite make up my mind if that was incredibly painful, or amazing...

Twilight followed sunset making way for starlight.

Wait a minute...
Did you word that in that manner on purpose?

Anyway, cute little story. Gets an upvote & fav.

Twilight followed sunset making way for starlight.

head>desk
head>desk
head>desk
head>desk

Twilight followed sunset making way for starlight.

Heh.

I'm sorry, no matter how hard you try, Spoiled Rich can't be a sympathetic character. She's an emotionally abusive mega-cunt. I understand you had to set this up somehow, but there are plenty of ways other than making it out like Diamond Tiara hating her mother's guts isn't totally reasonable.

Aw, they're flirting.

You know the funny thing is, aside from technically being just a seamstress, Rarity's parents are implied to be millers. So, in all likelihood, she's just as working class as Applejack and just pretends to be fancy.

This makes a lot of sense given her behavior around actual high society ponies, like in Sweet and Elite. Girl is in serious denial.

"Come on," Apple Bloom pleaded, raising herself up, "My ma got one, Mrs. Cake got one, sis even got one though I don't think it'll catch on. It's what marefriends do."

Damn, Apple Bloom moves fast.

...Honestly, something was bugging me about all this. I wasn't sure what exactly, since I usually find this kind of straightforward romance to be refreshing. I think I figured it out, though: Apple Bloom is being incredibly open about her feelings towards a pony who was, very recently, essentially her greatest enemy, and who is still acting a bit hostile.

Seriously, the old Diamond Tiara could easily have weaponized a love confession and used it to hurt Apple Bloom pretty badly. It's just kinda strange Apple Bloom doesn't seem even a little bit concerned about that possibility. If there is any pair who should have to overcome some serious trust issues, it's this one.

i like the cover art it made me laugh lol stupid little rich pony

"Bleh," Scootaloo pretended to puke. She turned to face Diamond Tiara, giving her a face that said she was onto her schemes and that she had better watch out.

68.media.tumblr.com/4a1ffb627b8c203dab471ca0a37f0289/tumblr_mhx7z8ehoe1s5w9a4o1_500.gif

Well then. This story is technically very well written; the language itself is excellent, you describe everything well and give good insights into the feelings and thoughts of the characters. So, nothing to worry about in that regard.

If it has a weakness, it's in the actual storytelling. The plot kinda lacks strong conflict and tension even though you seemed to be setting something like that up. What conflict you do have is mostly glossed over: Diamond and Apple Bloom share a belligerent attraction but move on to straight up girlfriends almost immediately and with no particular dramatic catalyst, and their romance doesn't result in any notable consequences. Diamond's relationship with her mother is troubled, but apparently it wasn't very serious and all Diamond needed was to relax a bit and have an honest talk about her feelings. Sweetie and Scootaloo find out about the relationship and are almost instantly okay with it. There simply weren't any high stakes, and good romances (heck, good relationship stories in general) rely heavily on building anticipation before the emotional payoff.

Like I said, you clearly have pretty advanced technical writing skills and I think you seem rather talented. At this point you should probably start digging into serious writing theory: the deep stuff, like narrative structure and devices, making and keeping promises to your readers, themes and motifs, and so on. I'm not saying this story is bad or anything, but I don't think you used your full potential here. It's a nice little love story but it could have been amazing.

"It's clear to me that we have failed in some way to instill you with proper values, that I know the Apple family can teach you. And if they can't, some time away will help you realize how upset I am." He looked into the dead fireplace. "I've gotten most everything I ever wanted. Except what they have." His tired eyes lingered on the mantle before he turned to face her, the years showing on his face. "And think about what you've said to your mother. I'll help her understand you didn't mean any of it and give you another chance, but it's ultimately up to you to correct this. Understood?"

It's clear to me that you let your bitch wife emotionally abuse your daughter, forcing her to prance around like a piece of meat (Gods, beauty pageants are CREEPY), and you should be severely beaten while your wife needs a trip to the glue factory.

Also, good beginning. Can't wait to see where it goes.

JackRipper
Moderator

Well it certainly looks like I have some competition. :twilightsheepish:

I'd ought to get around to reading this, nice job! :twilightsmile:

Did her father's side come from... she gulped. Was she a farm pony too?

Diamond. You're an Earth Pony. Yes, you have farmer blood.

Looked at from the perspective of them both having feelings for each other, the insults sound more like playful banter. Diamond's thoughts when arriving for her "punishment" was to think it wasn't so bad since Apple Bloom was there.
Really sweet and nice. Good job.

Alright, I guess Spoiled shouldn't be ground into glue...maybe she DOES love Diamond, she's just really screwed up herself.
Makes me wonder what made her that way.
Wouldn't mind a sequel to this.

 I only got it because my special talent is being the best at whatever I do.

Huh? Diamond Tiara OP, plz nerf :).

Ahem...


FUCK YOU SPOILED RICH!

That is all.

*cough*ship it*cough*

What. I said nothing

"You're blushing again."

Can't hold it in any longer...
HEY! YOU TWO SHOULD KISS!!!

8444809
My thought was "your family's from Ponyvil. It's a bloody farm town.

"That was quite strong," Sweetie Belle said, looking at her.

Uhhhhh.........:derpyderp2:

"It's only five percent, I checked."

"Yeah, that's nothing." Scootaloo rolled over onto the floor as if it was the natural thing to do. "Rainbow Dash let me taste the hard stuff last cider season. Now that was something."

....
UHHHHHHH....:twilightoops:

All in all, I would say the story is very well-written, and the plot advances nicely...though if you don't mind a spot of criticism, it seems a little...off. How old exactly are these fillies? This might just be me, but I don't think Diamond would call her mother a (blitch) and directly insult her to her face? While hanging out with the crusaders, sure, but like? Especially growing up in a rich family, I feel like that's the moment Filthy Rich shatters his wine glass in his hoof, letting the maroon fluid spread across the table slowly, then looks up at Diamond Tiara with this cold look in his eyes, and is all like, "WHAT exactly did you say to your mother? Care to repeat that?"

Sweetie Belle looked surprised. "She can't do that! She'll get in trouble!"

Depends on the liquor laws of EQ
The USA, legally you've got to be 21
(When I was young, it was 18 for 3.2 beer in some states)

Other countries, it varies. For instance

in Belgium: Legal age to purchase beer and wine: 16 (Consumption has no minimum age) Legal age to purchase spirits: 18 (Consumption has no minimum age)

France, in practice, no minimum age for wine consumption if you're with your parents

Twilight followed sunset making way for starlight.

Hahaha, I love this sentence:rainbowlaugh:

Twilight followed sunset making way for starlight.

wha-
aagh

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