• Published 12th Sep 2017
  • 692 Views, 60 Comments


DIO learns the magic of friendship, while inadvertently committing a comical genocide.

  • ...

It's Called a 'Steam Roller'

"And now without pause, my final attack!" A yellow-eyed blondie shouted, flying through the skies of a populated city with dramatic-ass music in the background like a mother-fucking Super Saiyan.

A total badass kid with black hair and a weird-ass hat that inadvertently looked cool made the most dramatic grunting noise as just prior to this, the yellow-eyed blondie named DIO relentlessly beat the shit out of him. Don't worry, the total badass kid beat the shit out of DIO first, so it's fair.

Oh, and they have these things called Stands. They stop time. Well, only theirs for now, but whilst the over-powered 100-year-old vampire had to train his timestop for days and weeks, total badass kid only needed like, three minutes to master it. His name is Jotaro Kujo. He's a total badass.

"Within my nine seconds of stopped time, I shall end this!" DIO shouted, still flying, "ZA WARUDO!" A bulky man that looked like some steampunk robot thing that was grey and gold appears before him, flying towards the total badass Jotaro, while releasing an exceptional special effect with an ear-bleeding bass sound as it stopped time. DIO landed slowly on a bridge, a few metres away from Jotaro. He gave a small chuckle, smiling before he dashed into the sky and vanished.

"One second has passed," he said, Jotaro's eyes suddenly widening, because fuck being unable to move in stopped time, total badasses don't have time for such Gary-Stu nonsense. "Two seconds have passed, three seconds have passed, four seconds have passed. . ." DIO sure knew how to count. He was probably a straight-A student in first grade. Albeit true his father was a thievish asshat who probably didn't take him to school but watch Phantom Blood if you want to know how that whole fandango went.

Badass Jotaro, however, didn't give a flying fuck. He was pissed as shit and just wanted to kill the old vampire dude, and he can totally do that because he can move two seconds in stopped time. Why? Because he's fucking Jotaro Kujo the badass school boy who hates women.

"Five seconds have passed."

'The one thing that I know, DIO, is that the next time I see your face, I'm probably going to bust a vein!' Jotaro thought.

"Six seconds have passed."

'Bring it on, DIO!'

"Seven seconds have passed!" Suddenly, a large shadow appeared over Jotaro as—

"ROADA ROLLA DA!" DIO shouted, smashing a fucking steam roller into Jotaro. After some over-sexualized grunting, Jotaro summoned his—

"ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA!" Star Platinum shouted, punching the shit out of the steam roller as—


I give u—



"ORAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Jotaro shouted, trying to use his Stand, Suta Prachina, to keep from, y'know, dying.

Then Jotaro got smashed—and not in the sexy way. DIO stood atop the steam roller.

"Nine seconds have passed," DIO said, taking in the moment. "I've done it. Star Platinum has finally been defeated by my The World! Immortality! Eternal life!" He let out a chuckle, grinning as he observed his sexy-big muscles.

"SUTANDO POWA!" DIO began to laugh to himself maniacally. "This proves that nobody can surpass DIO! Puny humans! I shall rule you all! Bow before my knowledge and might! Ten seconds have passed!" He laughed once more. I wouldn't doubt it if The World was giving him a playful tickl—yeah I'm abandoning that thought in fear of fanart.

"Now my ability to stop time has reached ten seconds," DIO mused. "Now then, I should find Jotaro's lifeless body and drink his blood. . .If there's any blood left to take!" Suddenly, DIO wasn't able to move so easily.

"Wh-what. . ?" DIO looked around, panicking. "My body's movements are slowing down. . .No, I'm not slowing down. . .I can't move! Impossible! My body won't move at all!"

"DIO!" Jotar—ah shit it's total badass watch out. Jotaro stood, flaming like also a super-saiyan. "It's been eleven seconds. I guess that's your limit now."

"N—NANII?!" DIO said dramatically, being able to speak in stopped time for plot and dialogue reasons.

"I stopped time at the nine second mark," Jotaro sai—of course you fucking did you're badass Jotaro. "That let me escape."

Jotaro looked down, disappointed as he closed his eyes. "Yare yare daze." He suddenly lifted a finger, pointing in a totally badass pose. "Now! It won't even take a second to finish you off!"

"Jo. . . .JOTARO!!!" DIO shouted in seething rage. "Impossible, you stopped time? Right at the end of my nine seconds of movement. . ."

"How does it feel, DIO?" Jotaro asked, stepping closer, MENACINGLY. DIO let out one of those anime drama-gasps as Jotaro continued to speak. "Having someone approach you from behind while you can't move a muscle? If I had to describe it, it's like when a guy who can hold his breath underwater for a minute, finally comes up for air at the very last second. . ." Jotaro placed a hand on DIO's shoulder firmly, "When suddenly, he feels someone grab him, and he's dragged back down into the water. Does that sound right?"

DIO knew he had lost, his face showing complete panic. Jotaro gave him a side glance, hand still firmly placed. "But for you, I feel no pity at all." As he said this, Star Plati—

"ORA!" . . .Star Platinum drove a kick into DIO's legs, shattering the knees entirely. "Time has begun to move again."

DIO did probably the most athletic spin in the air before crashing onto the ground helplessly. He let out deep pants as Jotaro stepped down, MENACINGLY.

"I don't feel even the slightest bit of compassion for you. I haven't even an ounce of pity for you. However, just finishing you off by beating you to death now would leave a bad taste in my mouth. How many seconds will it take for your legs to recover? Three seconds, four? The moment you've healed, I'll throw Star Platinum at you. So bring it on!" DIO gasped, waiting for his legs to heal as Jotaro approached him.

"If I were a gunslinger from the West," Jotaro continued, "I'd say, 'Draw. Let's see who's the fastest gun in the West'."

'H-hes mocking me!' DIO thought, 'But. . .But, Jotaro, you may have come this far, but you are still only human!' DIO began to laugh to himself. 'You think like a human, who has so little time to live. . .About things leaving a bad taste in your mouth, or living your life with no regrets. . .that kind of reasoning is about as compelling as rat shit in a bathroom, and it will be your demise! I, DIO, have no such thoughts. Within my mind is but one simple thought. Just one! To be victorious and rule! That is all! That is all I need to feel satisfaction! How I do it. . . DIO suddenly looked up, shouting, "DOES NOT MATTER!" as a projectile of his own blood temporarily blinded Jotaro.

"How do you feel being blinded by blood?" DIO shouted, summoning The World. "I've won! Die!"

Jotaro still threw a fucking punch like a badass as a Chuck-Norris roundhouse was coming at him from The World. Star Platinum threw a fist towards The World's leg, meeting in a tremendous clash as Star Platinum's fist cracked. DIO smiled before The World suddenly began to split apart from the leg. After some screaming and shouting about being DIO and 'this is impossible', he died after being torn to pieces. After this fandango, Jotaro and his grandfather who he brought to live with the remains of DIO's blood—just watch the anime—let DIO's corpse burn in the sun.

And that was that.

Except it wasn't.

DIO woke up in a blindingly colorful world, no longer in his weird-ass awakened form, but in his fashionable style with all the hearts and stuff. He woke up calmly, feeling no pain or hurt, even summoning the Stand he thought was just destroyed prior to see if it were real. He rubbed his head, feeling a bit of a headache slowly go away as it leaned up to take a look around.

Perfect smell, perfect temperature, beautiful forestry and grass. DIO heard clopping from behind him, he suddenly jumped up and turned around to find what looked like an equine. Yellow coat, pink mane, and very beautifully groomed at that. A white bunny stood beside her, looking upon DIO with fear. DIO noticed he was in the shade, away from the sun, he intended to keep it this way, as he knew he would burn immediately upon walking into it.

"Hm. Wildlife." He muttered, looking at the equine.

"W-well. . .He's technically my pet bunny, but I guess I understand why you would say that. . ." the yellow horse said in the softest voice. DIO jumped back with wide eyes.

"N-NANI?!" He shouted, a finger burning in the sunlight from which he nearly backed into. He let out a sound of pain before looking up at the equine, who was standing back, afraid.

"O-oh, u-um, I see you're harmed by the sun. . ." she mused, ears lowered as the bunny cowered behind her. "Don't worry, we can get you all fixed up, and a hood to keep you safe. . .Just please don't hurt me. . ?"

DIO stood up, frowning. "Hmph."

'What's with this. . .animal?' DIO thought. 'Are there any humans nearby? Come to think of it. . .was I, DIO, not just defeated? Surely not, I, DIO, can never be defeated!'

"That will do." DIO said. The pony nodded in response, whispering something to the bunny as it ran back to a nearby cottage.

DIO had one single thought in his mind of all of this.

'This is quite bizarre.'

Author's Note:

Yes. I did it.