- Member Since 7th Jul, 2017
- offline last seen March 19th
AvariceArtifice
Just a dorky guy that loves MLP: FIM, Bionicle, JoJo's, and more.
AvariceArtifice
Joined 7th Jul, 2017 ·
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Sweet how you are redoing the story, I can't wait to see what happens next, also with him in the Castle that means he could get a chance to meet a certain Alicorn of Love, I wonder would he get drunk from the love she gives off?
Hum, not bad for a first story, I would say that you writing is a bit dull and redundant at time, but I think you will improve on it on your own for the most part. You could add more description of the guys narration of what he see the character in doing by adding more descriptor that are more hyper like: 'laugh in derision', 'toothy grin', 'franticly search' and such.
Still, I do like that Celestia seemed to have premonition about the outsider showing a link between him and her, I wonder where this will lead too next.
I will be looking forward to see what will happen next.
If you are looking for a cover art I am open for commissions if you are interesting, I have done a number of cover art that you might recognize. Here is the link to my DA gallery, hope to hear from you soon, and good luck on your story.
https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
Well this a better is a better chapter with a little more description in the expression to show the characters emotion more, and the writing is actually a little bit smoother too.
The only real issue I can point out is that, is that your sentence structure between them as they often sound very similar to each other and tend to even end on the same words, like 'more' for instance, which makes for a more dull rearing you might want to re think how you phrase things.
For the story, I wonder what Celestia knows about the channellings from her past? It doesn't seem that it was hostile encounter sense she didn't went anywhere near as defensive as Luna did, and had happen well after NMM's banishment. I am still surprised of all the attention Forge is getting from the princess all of the sudden and I wonder what links it has with Celestia's spidy sense?
9609822
I actually have a VERY logical reason as to why Celestia has an interest in Aurelic/Forge. Simply put, she wants to keep a close eye on him should he act out. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Especially since he seemingly appeared out of nowhere, since her visions previously lacked any sign of his existence. That, and the fact that he didn't appear to be hostile from what she's seen, and what she's heard from Twilight & co., she's not going to outright attack him. But if you notice, she wasn't completely nice about the confrontation either. I might touch on a possible previous changeling encounter that predates the show later on, but for now I'm going to leave it a bit ambiguous. I've got a general plan for this story, for the most part. As for cover art, I would prefer to at least attempt to make it myself, but that's gonna be something I can't quite do yet thanks to life right now. Next week I should have more free time for things like that. I also appreciate the criticism, Celestia knows I need honest thoughts on this.
I like the theme of hiding your true identity. It seems that it was written a bit hastily
I suppose any human who arrives there would check the favorite background characters
Well, I don't see any really issues with your writing anymore, there are still a little dull phrasing at times, but your descriptions are pretty descent now with his impressions, so at this point it's really just a question of practice to improve to get a better sense of what you are doing.
Interesting, to see that he is setting in well, the dream was a little mixed, I don't think he endeared himself with Luna in the dream, with the different changes of bodies, though I though she might have seen a lot weirder for even normal citizens at times, she might still keep an eye on him, even if it is just for her own amusement. Through I am curious to know how he managed to lucid dream as he did in her presence. Celestia certainly seems to have a good hold on him now I wonder what she will do to covertly have hims examined and why?
He still sounded like a bit of a dick with Gilda and is just did the trick out of vindictiveness, I know he didn't see it that way and thinks he is doing good by Fluttershy, but from an outside perspective and not knowing a thing about Gilda wouldn't cast him in the best of light, not that this would need to me fixed at all, it just gives an interesting perspective on the situation.
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Thank you kind sir, and I'll at least try to address some of the issues you've pointed out. The dream sequence... I'll admit I could have handled it differently, but it's pretty much the same way I dream myself. I tend to get clued in on it when I can float, but no matter what I do I can never change the landscape or scene on a whim. So I figured, might as well use that, as I still find my own dreams fascinating when they're happening. I know I'm weird. And make no mistake, Luna's NOT into him right now, just curious at what his kind dreams of. And then there's Gilda. While he knows she's reformed WAY later in the show, he still kind of has a little bit of a vendetta against her. One of his more prominent issues is that he holds grudges, and can be VERY spiteful. This can cloud his judgement, thus he basically acted brainlessly for a moment with the cake. He will never really be able to overcome that, but I do plan for him to be a little less anxious in general. But why and how that happens will be left a mystery for now. Hopefully everyone's been enjoying my story so far, even if it's not exactly my best work. I've got something else, far more deep than this one in the works. Won't post it until it's got a good few chapters done though.
he believed that his visions only appear in case of an inevitable emergency
I bet it's Milky Way, that too pretty to be a background character
9633132
Crap. Okay, I need to rewrite that little section. Aurelic's "visions" were just him watching the show back on earth. He mentally trained himself to say he had visions instead of watching tv, lest he break their world or something. Sorry for the confusion, will re-edit to make that more apparent.
9633203
Sorry, I was referring to the visions of Celestia. she had a vision of Tirek because without that he would have won but she does not have them when they are not necessary
9633123
you made it way better now than back then. I wanted to thank you for trying to be a better writer( as Mix-up said).
Okay, finished making my edits to the dividers, and added in the minute details for why he has "visions" which in actuality was just him watching the show back home on a television. But because of this, any new developments will be completely new to him. Now that that's out of the way, I can continue working on the next chapter.
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It's Beavis and Butthead, a classic, before we know it this character will need tp for their bunghole.
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My my, such a chaotic individual, to think of such random things to do to what I see as an embodiment of jealousy.
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NICE
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All I can say about this last chapter is that is was... interesting, but not really my thing.
For the story so far, well done. I approve the style of this story and wouldn't mind to seeing more of it.
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Great work
My Spider-sense and possible fore-shadowing say she is going to be proven incorrect about her statement.
More please
When the next chapter coming out
I am really interested, maybe forge could end up leading a changeling rebellion
Alright calling him this repeatedly is annoying as fuck.
Just call him the by the name of his current identity not all of his identities...
Chapter...new! Yay!
9835606
As explained in the author's note for chapter 1, it's only for chapter 1. The rest will use the name of the identity he's currently in.
Just caught up and I think its a fun story. and I'm looking forward to more.
And I must say, THIS
best out of the blue line ever!!!!!
The Monk
"I-I'm sorry, did you just say 'blowjob'?" Jesse had to think seriously hard about this.” -An Intricate Disguise
Love the color on that changeling
MOAR!!!!!!!
A husk is the empty shell left behind after an insect molts or dies.
Dogs don't move both at the same time, they move the foreleg first and then start to move the hind leg as the foreleg comes down.
Says who? Why would you feel you would have to use that persona?
Again, says who? He's making a pretty big assumption about how magic works. Worse, it actually works.
Again, not only does he just assume that he's near Ponyville, he's actually right.
So, he can't get through a peaceful, non-random magic forest that neighbors a town as easily as a forest full of violent monsters and crazy magic?
These are very bad ideas. First, asking if a holiday has already taken place is not something any normal person would ask. I mean, can you imagine if someone asked you if Christmas has already happened? Then there's the part about asking if a villain has already attacked. Imagine how you would react if someone asked you if terrorists have attacked some place already.
How does he know that's what he's smelling.
Twilight was only supposed to be staying there for a few fays while she prepares for the SSC. She wasn't supposed to be the librarian.
This is a public building. You don't have to knock if it's normal operating hours.
A single cherry costs two bits. This is horrible pay.
That was established the first time you used it.
Not the worst start I've ever seen, but it has a lot of issues.
First and foremost, it's way too rushed. This should have been at least twice this length, maybe three times.
Second, the walls of text. Too many paragraphs need to be broken up.
Third, the begining is was too unrealistically easy. He accepts things way too easily and knows things he can't possibly know.
Finally, the protag has no defining personality. There's been almost no hints to his character. All we got was he made a couple jokes and he finds ponies attractive.
I'll keep reading for another chapter or two to see if it improves, but as it is I'm just not very interested.
There's certainly a significant improvement in quality in this chapter. Though, I have to say, I really don't care for all-knowing Celestia. Still, if this trend in quality continues, I might just stick with this story.
I gotta admit, I'm pleasantly surprised by how much the quality improved after the first chapter. Stories like this are why I usually read past the first chapter, even if that chapter is rough.
I'm definitely going to see where this is going. Hope to see an update soon.
9941872
I will address these critiques in order.
1, I should have mentioned in the author's note that he thinks of the unreformed lings as "husks" since they have holes and are constantly in need of love for sustenance.
2. I didn't really notice the slight delay, so I'll have to add in a bit about him needing to adjust his gait.
3. Could've worded it better, but basically he figured it would be better to use an original guise rather than trying to imitate anypony else.
4. I mostly just figured it would feel like a new sense or something. Like an extra arm, and once you find the mental "control" for it, you go from there. I may or may not think about this often, and learned to wiggle my ears from this technique.
5. He knows that the Whitetail Woods are close to Ponyville, hence figuring he should head that way. I skipped the navigation itself since I have absolutely no idea what the layout of Whitetail is pretty much at all, and it might've become too boring.
6. The Whitetail Woods are near Ponyville, however the reason the Everfree would have been easier to navigate is due to the frequency of it being shown, meanwhile he has absolutely no guiding point when it comes to Whitetail. Kind of like a "more dangerous yet easier to find your path" kind of thing.
7. You've got me there. Most likely he wouldn't have thought too deeply about it until the damage was already done. He might try to plan ahead, but more often than not things will go south fast.
8. That's mostly assumption since he's a changeling now, though I admit I still need to work on fixing chapter 1 up since it's mostly a remnant from the first run of this story.
9. Welp, gotta rework that. Thanks for the heads-up.
10. Overuse of manners. He's got a few anxiety issues that crop up now and then, and ends up doing things like that. And will apologize a lot.
11. It's a minimum wage job equivalent to places like McDonald's, pay won't be stellar.
12. I do need to fix it.
I'm going to get to work on editing all of this, thank you for bringing it to my attention. Also, new chapters will be slow until December 2nd, since I have the month off from college. It's pretty draining on me, and it's hard to find the motivation to write when I'm burnt out.
I love the reverb.
So... Exotic.
Reading and writing is a nice thing to have.
He would use his human languages for dairys.
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Can your character wallwalk? I remember they can...
What happens to the eaten food?
Normal body disposal or Goo production?
Might need a littel overwork after you complet the story. Seems you get some very good advices in the comment section already
I wish this story the best of success 
Authors with good storys dont need luck 
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Lunas dreamwalk is pretty op if its really that simpel... Than again... Alicorns are not just pimped Unicorns
Amazing start. Befriending Pinke Pie is a nice food source. She can be... A challange but her food seems to be worth it
Sooo i guess Pinkie Pie is rich to be able to affort paying for Partys without payment?
Why do so many Pony gift a newcomer something?
Pinkie Pie in general is ok. Rarity is always a clever bussness mare. RD basicly pranked only. The watch? ... Odd...
My Camo Pony would be a Batpony.
I would ask if her highness Nightmare Moon knows about a mare of the past.
Guardian of Dreams
Protector of the Night
Shepard of the Moon
Our beloved Princess Luna
You didnt give Derpy a hug ? That a cardenal sin
This didnt included the flirting or? Luna is best Waifu!
Damn it! I wanted a epic revealing before the invasion. Having earnd there trust to get the benefit of a doubt. Maybe become Lunas lover.
That get maybe accepted from her since she loved him for personality not attraction .
Shapeshifter. You should go advertising yourself as the ultimate lover.
Want a Griffin to scratch your back? A Diamond Dog to give you a nice massage/petting?
Maybe a well hung Earthpony or Zebra?
All you need is a willing lover and your the jackpot under the Nightsky.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/448980/griffon-of-canterlot
Actualy a good Story including Gilda. She isnt really a bitch but Griffons are ... Different.
She really nice if given the chance.
Whats you other project about?
Damn... She killed the opposent hives off and/or assimilated the remains
STILL CANT manage love collection in secret? There is
Equestria
Griffonia
Minatoria
Aquestria
Etc.
Chrysalis cant be so incompetent to not have massive opportunity to spread out and collect from all nations.
She has literally no other hives claiming them according to the Hive message.
O damn it... I catched up to the currently last chapter
Hoped for 1-2 more 
Genetic variations are the fuel of a strong and healthy race. 
Chrysalis might want his genetic material for a clutch or two.
Its nice he can put his love reserves to good use.
His possibel first swarm/herd mate seem to be very impressed by his performane 
Since female and males exist hes not going to be a Queen.
Sooo... Can he change into the opposent gender?
If a queen is required for eggs than i hope some conquered Queen are alive. Otherwise Chrysalis would risk the eradication of there Race if anything happens to her...
9941872
Can only improve from now on i guess
I hate to believe in Destiny. Sombra,Discord,Nightmare & Chrysalis had they ever a choice?
If the story is already so sure and no matter what happens it all ends the same... Why bother?
Maybe add Celestia gained her future 'prediction' after the Nightmare Moon incident.
He helped with Lunas redeamtion. He is also a Pony in need (at that time).
So not really suspicious .
He didnt have show plot armor...Hes really having a minor deathwish if you think about it...
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Pretty sure he cant be that dense... I guess Changelings dont cooperate openly in you AU ?
9632822
Indeed. Gilda got extreamly mobed here. Physical assault included if one pays attention.
Her reaction was there for perfectly normal.
9633123
This story is pretty nice so far.