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Comments ( 18 )

well... I need to change my pants soon.

That means the story worked

Jest #3 · Sep 15th, 2017 · · 1 ·


This is my fetish, good stuff we need more!

I'd recognise Nekomestiny's artwork anywhere.

I feel this needs one last going-over because the grammar is almost there. You've got a few misspellings due to word similarities, like:

At that rather moreso thought he looked down at the bar before him...

"I was a might bit embarrassed."

Commas and other sentence breaks need to be added, because awkward, run-on sentences are quite common, like:

The mare, meanwhile just licked her lips and did her best sultry walk up to the now stammering stallion trying to stand up while simultaneously hiding his frankly monstrous cock.

There's also a decent amount of telling us details rather than having them woven into the narrative. The initial description is Harshwhinny is a good example of this. What might work better for something like that is to break up when the details get noticed. Like, we don't need to know everything up front - it can come at us over Troubleshoes' interactions with her.

Similar but opposite, we have strikingly little detail about some things, like the bartender. I know she's not a big character in the narrative, but obvious details like what kind of pony she is aren't there.

And finally, there's a lot of repetition of some things. Like, the word 'hole' was used over and over again. Repetition can be useful for emphasis, but other than that, I would suggest giving some thought on how else you might describe something that comes up frequently.

I know this seems like a lot of criticism, but you're actually just about there. The story just needs some sprucing up to be amazing.

Fixed the aforementiomed errors and will give it another once over shortly. Ty!

When griffins mate, they're mates for life?

i want some pics to go with this story

That was a LOT of fun. But yeah, quite a few errors, as Schaza mentioned. Most are not bad by themselves, but the abundance of them... yeah. Maybe ask an editor if you don't have one?

Still, doesn't change the fact that this was a great read.
Heh, she thought she was barren, he didn't want to be a father... got her pregnant anyway. Just his luck :rainbowlaugh:

Yeah, like I said I am giving it another once over shortly, just dont have the time at the moment, my now former editor gave it the all clear and said it was good so I just trusted him without looking (dumb on my part I know) I dont know why he would say that but whatever. Guess I will just go find another one. Blah, this is going to be a pain in the ass, editors who dont mind nsfw are rare enough as is.

Well, as I said, a lot of those were small things, so maybe your editor was tired or something and hadn't noticed them, and greenlit it without giving it a second pass.

I wouldn't mind helping if you want - but the question is when :rainbowlaugh:
I'm quite busy a lot of the time, and when I'm not I'm pretty lazy. But I'm helping one other guy with some of his chapters, so I wouldn't mind helping you if you require some assistance :twilightsmile:
Just, eh... I mostly correct typos and sentences to a certain extent... I don't go into such a detail as Schaza mentioned. Maybe if I get more experience or something, heh.

Well hey id love an extra hand, after you edit something so many times you start to go blind to the smaller errors, PM me when you might be able to work on it and lets talk more there.

Sure! Probably not this weekend, but maybe sometime during the week, when I have a slower moment at work. Those are more plentiful than you'd believe :pinkiehappy:

raunchy and sweet just how I like it. :heart:

Its updated with some tweaks, better spelling and grammer and some quality of life stuff so it should be leagues better!


I'm not big on crotchtits, but I'm in love with the idea of Ms. Harshwhinny being super sexually active and all around cool when off the clock.

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